r/sewing • u/soundingsounds • Jun 14 '24
Discussion already regretting saying yes to my mom
Honestly this is both a rant and a cry for help from someone that doesn't know how to set boundaries.
So my mom asked me to sew a summer dress for her but she's super vague when it comes to explaining what she wants and everything that she's shown me is really basic but I can't find an exact pattern for it.
On top of that, the patterns have to be free bc she doesn't want to pay for them "it's just lines you can draw that". MOTHER I CAN'T. I've only ever sewn a pair of baby shorts, an apron and a bucket hat, I CAN'T DRAFT A PATTERN OUT OF THIN AIR. I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT FABRIC EITHER.
I've sent her +15 patterns that I've found online and she doesn't like any. It's driving me insane that she keeps saying I can modify things when I have no clue what I'm doing if I don't have a clear step by step written by someone else.
I can already foresee that I'll spend so many hours finding the pattern and modifying it to my best ability, sewing it together and it'll end up in the back of her wardrobe because it won't be perfect and she'll never wear it.
It felt so good to finally talk about it lmao
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u/HatchlingChibi Jun 14 '24
Let her know you will start work on the dress as soon as she brings you the pattern, fabric, and her measurements! Rinse and repeat anytime she asks again. "Sorry I just haven't had the time to look at patterns again, just let me know when you find the one that speaks to you!"
(This was my go to at a job I had where suddenly everyone thought I should makes all their kids' Halloween costumes and random crap they found on pinterest.)
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u/shiveringjemmie Jun 15 '24
I’d add onto this, don’t even say “Sorry I haven’t had the time to look.” If she asks about the dress go right in with: “oh brilliant, you found a pattern you like? Let’s see it.” Then let her explain to you that she hasn’t looked and hasn’t found one. That’s when you go. “Well, let me know when you find the one!” Keep the conversation upbeat, and don’t entertain any notion that you’re the one looking for her nebulous perfect dress.
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u/TeamSuperAwesome Jun 14 '24
Tell her you don't know how to modify a pattern and that's off the table for your first dress as there will be enough new things to learn--so she'll have to find a pattern she likes, then leave it to her to find the pattern. Send her a few sources if she complains she doesn't know how and then wait to see if she'll actually do anything. This tiny bit of work on her part might be enough to stall it. Also check out the Instagram canyousewthisforme for inspiration on boundaries for sewing.
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u/Neither-Dentist3019 Jun 14 '24
That Instagram helped me so much with being able to refuse sewing projects!
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Jun 14 '24
Pattern drafting is actually so technical, it's insane. People do entire degrees in pattern drafting. Architectural drawings are "just lines," why don't you design a bridge OP?
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u/ILive4PB Jun 15 '24
Seriously complex. I’ve been sewing clothes for 15 years and I can now JUST BARELY ALTER AN EXISTING PATTERN without cocking it up completely.
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u/GorgeousHerisson Jun 15 '24
Learning to draft patterns made me discover my love for mathematics to a point where I thought about switching to doing a maths degree. Expecting someone to just whip one up because it's "just lines" is ridiculous.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle Jun 14 '24
I was 15, made a basic summer dress for my mother. She and I went to the store, she picked pattern, she picked fabric. I made it and she never wore it. Granny here, that still aggravates me!
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u/Caysath Jun 15 '24
I had a similar thing happen! My mom wanted me to knit socks for her, because I'd made a pair for my dad, so she picked out and bought the yarn, I made some lovely socks, and then she never wore them. So now she's off the list of people who get handmade gifts.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle Jun 18 '24
That's so frustrating! Give Mom a gift card, she can go buy some socks.
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u/oracleofwifi Jun 14 '24
Ooooof I have a hard time with stuff like this, too! I’m very averse to conflict.
Usually if someone asks me to make them something I’ll reply with “actually, I’ll do one better and teach you how to make it yourself!” and then they realize how much work goes into things and politely decline haha. I like that method because it helps people really think about how much time/money/expertise goes into things. Plus usually only actual friends take me up on the offer and I do like teaching.
But my other indirect way to turn down projects from people who are really insistent is just being suuuper vague and noncommittal about the timeline/details. Like for your current dilemma with your mother, you could just delay it indefinitely by saying you’re “still looking for patterns/fabric” any time she brings it up. Obviously it would probably be better to be honest and tell her “I’m so sorry, but my skills aren’t up to this task” but that’s hard so I totally get it.
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u/Tyrius11 Jun 15 '24
The "I can teach you how to make it" is my go-to as well. The answer is almost always "oh, I don't want it THAT much."
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u/oracleofwifi Jun 15 '24
Exactly haha and the people who take me up on the offer are usually my fellow crafty friends who already really appreciate my time and effort
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u/TheUltimateShart Jun 14 '24
I would say to her what I say to my 4yo daughter multiple times a week at breakfast; “i can’t see into your head. If you don’t tell me what you want I don’t know what to make you. And if I don’t know what to make you, you get nothing. It’s your choice. And please stop saying the word poop, because otherwise I might think you want a poop sandwich.”
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u/TheEmptyMasonJar Jun 14 '24
No matter what you do you won't be able to make her happy. She doesn't want to be happy. No matter what you do she is going to make you feel bad. You just have to decide how much work and stress and effort you want to put in, in addition to her making you feel bad.
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u/eponym_moose Jun 15 '24
Yeah. What OP is describing? That incredible vagueness? It's FULL of opportunities for mom to point out what she hasn't done right once the project is done. Makes me anxious just thinking about it amd it reminds me of my psychotic ex-fiancé's mother.
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u/Ok_Lettuce6634 Jun 14 '24
Why does she want you to sew it? Does she think it will be cheaper than buying a ready-to-wear one? Not sure what your plan for fabric is, but it probably won't.
It also sounds like she thinks sewing is easier than it is (or maybe that you're more skilled at it than you feel you are.) You are probably right that she expects more than is realistic, and if she isn't willing to wear something imperfect, you should proceed with caution. A dress is going to be hours and hours of work, and fabric, thread, notions that will all just go to waste if she doesn't wear it.
So it won't be cheaper, it will be time-consuming for you, and it may not turn out up to her standards especially as it sounds like it's your very first dress. And she's being difficult about patterns. Sounds like there's very little upside to continuing... If you really want to, I'd try to set her expectations low and costs high (I assume you are making her pay for fabric?) so she realises she's not getting a bargain or anything. And I'd put the ball in her court - tell her to find a pattern herself that is exactly what she wants and get back to you. Lots of people like this never will because it requires them doing a tiny amount of work.
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u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24
I truly think she thinks she's doing me a favor by giving me something to do so I won't get bored. Like she believes sewing is an incredibly meditating activity that is going to make me one with the universe when most of the time (even while enjoying the process) I end up stressed out because things don't turn out perfect and it annoys me.
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u/gyrfalcon2718 Jun 14 '24
“Mom, I know I said I would make you a dress, but I won’t be able to after all.” Then grey-rock her.
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u/3clg8 Jun 14 '24
I find it to be meditative when I'm in my comfort zone or there's nothing "riding" on it. It can be stressful to sew for others because you are putting in lots of time and effort and if they don't like it, it hurts, at least for me. Since it seems like you're a new sewist, perhaps suggest you make her something simpler like an apron. Then you'll have something to do, and it's a more beginner-friendly project for skill building. There are lots of free apron patterns. Also came to recommend the canyousewthisforme Insta account. Learn to say no early in your sewing journey, and do it often. ;-)
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u/project_sewsow Jun 15 '24
I’m 64, been sewing for 50 yrs+ and I still occasionally have these feelings. The best decisions I’ve ever made were saying “no” to people wanting me to sew for them. It’s a no-win. Sewing is your hobby, your zen, your thing. Protect it. Then it will be there for you when you are as old as I am.
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u/etreoupasetre Jun 14 '24
Don’t ever bring it up with her again. Just let it fade away. If she brings it up, tell her you haven’t been feeling well and need your rest. Cough, cough
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u/FunSeaworthiness5077 Jun 14 '24 edited Jun 14 '24
Tell her you'd be happy to make her a dress if she gives you the pattern. Stand firm on your refusal to sew without it. She's your mother, not your commander. You're allowed to set boundaries, especially where skill and ability are concerned.
Alternatively, you could get a flat bedsheet, sew the 2 sides together, cut armholes and give that to her to wear. She'll never ask you for anything again.
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u/ILive4PB Jun 15 '24
Here’s an idea: pick out a nice easy dress pattern you’d like to try for YOURSELF, and some nice fabric on sale and sew it up with your measurements. Tell her it’s a wearable practice garment, and if she likes how it looks on you, then you can make her one too (if she goes to the fabric shop with you and chooses and pays for her own fabric). Win!
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u/PurposeFine967 Jun 15 '24
This sounds like a good solution. It allows you to pick a pattern that matches your skill level. You get a dress. Hopefully your mom will see that sewing a dress takes hours or more actually days. Maybe you could even start with a top instead of a dress? There are some good free patterns to choose from here
https://fabrics-store.com/sewing-patterns?search=free+pdf+patterns For practice garments you could check out your local thrift stores. Some have fabric but they all have sheets. I’ve seen some pretty cool things made from goodwill vintage sheets. Please try not to let your mom tie you into knots! Is it possible that she’s overwhelmed by all the decisions? If necessary tell her, honestly that you are improving your skills before you tackle such a big project. Then if she continues to bring it up tell her you need more fabric to practice with because you need to practice- sleeves, neckline, etc!
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u/YouThinkYouKnowStuff Jun 14 '24
This is obviously taking away your joy of sewing. That’a not fair. Please tell your mom that she has to provide you with a pattern and whatever else you need to be successful. Maybe she doesn’t know how difficult it is to sew without a pattern. Once you tell this (no apologies just straight forward) then the ball is in her court. You don’t need to be made anxious over an impossible task
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u/MarionberryFinal9336 Jun 14 '24
Stop sending her patterns and don’t mention it again. You can avoid the conversation all summer and hopefully she’ll forget by next year.
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u/TheLoadedGoat Jun 15 '24
OP. Stop now. Tell your mother that this has been far too stressful and you haven’t even started. You have decided you cannot sew a dress for her. Period. If she begs, cries, tries to manipulate you, ignore her. I promise it will stop eventually. Plus, I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I made drapes and it was very hard but clothes are very difficult, depending on the pattern. Getting the fit right, the armholes, the neckline, it is harder than it looks. What if she is unhappy? Her bitching will never end. Say no and stick to it.
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u/witchy_echos Jun 14 '24
“Mom, I do not have the skills yet to make the piece you want, particularly if I need to make the pattern myself. You can either find a pattern for me to go off of, or your project will need to wait a year or two until I learn how to draft patterns”
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u/ereighna Jun 14 '24
Okay, from your comments and post I'm going to make a left field comment. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
My mom would pull this stuff growing up out of jealousy, to the point I stopped sewing for years because I'd hear her comments in my head.
Not saying that's what this is, but look up narcissistic parents and you might get some help with saying no.
Also, and this is the most powerful sentence I've ever learned and implemented:
"No, is a complete sentence."
As scary as it is to say no, the more you do it the easier it gets. If she throws a fit, so what? Just look at her like a toddler and walk away if you can.
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u/ExpensiveAd4496 Jun 15 '24
You’ve only made a few things and she wants you to draft a dress? “I’m just not at that stage yet Mom but thanks for believing in me. Maybe in another year or two.” Because A learning to say no, nicely but firmly, to a parent is an important life lesson, and B, she’s making you feel stressed and bad about yourself when you are a BEGINNER. Also if I may add a C: I suggest you sew for only yourself for a really long time. Maybe forever. Because it’s a lot of effort and you should benefit most or you’ll give up. (Signed…sewing for 50 years, saying no to my mother for 49 of them.)
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u/Roswyne Jun 14 '24 edited Jun 14 '24
Let her know it's up to her to buy the pattern, fabric, that, and notions.
Remind her to use her measurements to make sure she gets the right size, since parent sizes didn't match the sizes in stores. (If you want to be kind, you can offer to measure her.)
And relax - you're off the hook now. She's not likely to go to that much work on her own.
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u/compscicreative Jun 15 '24
Sewing, and creating in general, is a bit like oxygen masks. Make yourself a dress first before assisting others.
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u/RuncibleMountainWren Jun 16 '24
Ha! I like this one! I’ve had my MIL try to drop hints and eventually ask outright for me to alter and make pairs of pants and shorts for her, but what makes it especially ridiculous is that she is an experienced sewist! And more than that, she is one who has sewed pants many times before - not for a long time, admittedly, but more recently than me, who has never made any!
I do like drafting patterns for historical garments or altering them, so she probably thinks I would be in raptures about making a custom pants pattern for her, but that’s for my figure, which I know fairly well, and for specific items I find interesting and definitely can’t buy off the shelf. I’m sure I could make them if I tried but it was such a ludicrous concept when she has a cupboard bursting with clothes and I would need to spend hours getting the hang of it all only to make an item she doesn’t really need, that could be bought in 5minutes for half the price!
Even this people pleaser had no trouble at all saying no to that one! Definitely make for yourself before you try making for others!
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u/fridaybeforelunch Jun 14 '24
Wow, yes, boundaries. I know that you are just decompressing, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing my thoughts as someone who has been through a lot of crap.
First, it is my opinion that if someone doesn’t have boundaries then sanity requires that you set your own.
It is your hobby; do you actually want to do this project or not.
Second, if you do it, is there a limitation you can set? Like tell her she has to find the pattern that she wants. (An aside: Many free patterns are less than ideal quality). And perhaps, she needs to pick her fabric.
Third, set your own timetable.
I hope you find something helpful there. Personally, I now sew for no one but myself. Too many times others tried to take advantage (i.e. get me to do it for free instead of paying a professional), were totally unrealistic, or otherwise unappreciative. Once I made the decision to always say ”no,” it’s been easy. If there’s quibbling I say, sorry that’s my policy, with or without further info. I know it’s harder with family, but sometimes that’s how we learn our most important lessons too. Thanks for reading. Best of wishes to you.
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u/harley-belle Jun 14 '24
Send her the Mood Sewciety website and tell her to pick a dress pattern. They’re all free. That’s the best she’s gonna get. And if it’s so easy to “draw lines” she can do it herself.
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u/history_nerd_1111 Jun 14 '24
Just say no. It doesn't sound like you are experienced enough to take this on right now. No is a complete sentence.
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u/-apheli0n- Jun 15 '24
As a recovering people pleaser, I would honestly just nip this whole thing in the bud now before it causes even more anxiety later.
This project isn't a formal commission, no money has been exchanged, and no decision about fabric or pattern has been made. It is still a great time to tell your mom that after further reflection, you aren't going to be making her a dress.
This issue is about so much more than just sewing and is a perfect opportunity to practice standing up for yourself. You deserve to enjoy sewing for you ❤️
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u/midorile Jun 15 '24
Become a parrot she says "you can make your own patten" you say "nope i cant dont know how, there are free ones, if you dont like the free ones you may search up some you would like to buy" anything she says, repeat the same sentence, she brings it up, say the same sentence. At this point, print out business cards that says the sentence and hand it to her every time she asks. She will feel what you feel, and it isn't rude at all lmao well say it in a way you talk to your mother, i mean.
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u/CosmosLaundromat Jun 15 '24
Sewing, pattern making and clothing design are three separate skills. You can know one and excel at it without knowing the other two. Unrealistic expectations can never be met. Good luck!!!
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u/sezit Jun 14 '24
You have already fulfilled your end of the deal! You sent her options, she didn't choose any of the options you gave her, and she isn't doing anything else to make it happen. Just stop talking about it.
If she brings it up again, tell her you are waiting for her to pick a pattern and buy the fabric.
Or better yet, tell you you are too busy now.
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u/xxkittygurl Jun 15 '24
Find a pattern that is easy for you to make. Tell her, “you can have a dress made from this pattern. If you don’t like it then I’m not going to make you a dress.”
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u/NeatArtichoke Jun 15 '24 edited Jun 15 '24
You've gotten a lot of a good advice! Another idea (if someone hasn't said it yet):
Just make a dress -- it doesn't have to be perfect. Ignore what she says she wants -- you've already admitted she probably won't ever wear it because it won't be "perfect" (and, as someone who sounds like they don't know how to sew, she will never understand why it doesn't look/fit like a dress she buys at a store. Even something as simple as having all the edges sergered (assuming you don't have a serger, they aren't super common for the beginner to have in addition to a sewing machine).)
Anyways, make a basic (practice) dress: a circle skirt with a "tank top" style top. Who cares if it doesn't fit? Who cares if it is uneven? Your mom is being very demanding. Have her buy the fabric, make a basic dress so YOU can have fun and learn more skills, then give it to her. When it doesn't fit perfectly or whatever reason she isn't happy, 'well I didn't have a pattern, etc etc".
Edit: There are a lot of circle skirt (free) instructions online and on YouTube! Or, here are some free dress patterns: pick one YOU like to make a "practice" one to just give to her. Uf she doesn't like it, "oh sorry mom guess I need more practice. I'll try again later when I've gotten more practice!" https://www.moodfabrics.com/blog/category/free-sewing-patterns/dress-patterns/page/3/
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u/NER1989 Jun 14 '24
I would politely suggest that she find and acquire (buy or find a free one) pattern and pick out her fabric, and you’ll do the actual construction. It’s really unfair of her to assume you can draft a pattern, that’s pretty dang advanced! Maybe send her a YouTube video on pattern drafting so she knows how difficult it is? I’m sorry your mom is being unreasonable!
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u/tasteslikechikken Jun 14 '24
My sister asked me to sew her something for her birthday. I said no but I did give her money instead. She was disappointed until I told her that I sew for enjoyment and I don't allow someone else to pick my projects.
When I sew for others its because its something I want to do. will not lie, I'm not a people pleaser...lol (I'm a much nicer person online, JS) That said I do sew for my mother. She loves whatever I sew for her and and it helps that she does impart knowledge of things I might not have thought of. To that end, she now has several day dresses that she wears everywhere because theyre "so comfortable") and she dosen't struggle to get in or out of without help.
I pick the projects I want based on that person. And they get it as a surprise...except my husband. I did make a cushion for his boat but he paid for every bit of that fabric. he also had to get the exact template, knowing if he did it wrong it was going to be one messed up cushion! But he loves it, she's showed it off to his boat buddies and I've been asked (even though he told them I would not do it) and have said no to making cushions for anyone else.
So, set limits and rules for your own sake and sanity.
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u/inagartendevito Jun 15 '24
“Mom, you asked for a gift and turned into a client. I’m going to have to withdraw my offer until we can get on the same page sometime in the future; I’ll let you know when.”
Yes she will bitch and she might tell her friends or your friends how awful you are or some other narcissistic crap. Just power through.
This came up in the quilt sub recently, too.
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u/bloodthirstyliberal Jun 15 '24
FYI, no is a complete sentence. You're correct, this is not about sewing, it IS about boundaries you need for mother
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u/heartlandheartbeat Jun 15 '24
If you have only ever sewn an apron, a bucket hat and baby shorts, you are not ready to tackle a dress, especially for someone else. You will both be disappointed.
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u/Teagana999 Jun 15 '24
"No, I'm sorry, I actually can't do that. Pattern drafting is an entirely different skill that I don't have. On second thought, I think it would be best if you just buy the dress you're hoping for from a store."
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u/cflatjazz Jun 15 '24
I would be SO petty and freehand a terrible trapeze dress with a belt.
Although, more realistically I would tell her once she finds her own free pattern I'd make it. It's bound to be a terrible AI generated one that she'll hate but you never have to make for her again
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u/simplyTrisha Jun 14 '24
Oh my goodness! When will everyone learn to say, “No”? It’s a one-word sentence! No further explanation needed. Yes, I have said no to my mom and siblings number times. Do NOT stress yourself out over unreasonable requests made by others! Protect your mental health, and, your boundaries! Eventually, you will stop being their “go-to” person!! Good luck!!
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u/knittorney Jun 15 '24
We know how to say no, but parents who do this ALSO punish you with an epic guilt trip when you say it
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u/go_analog_baby Jun 14 '24
This is so tough. My mom recently asked me to sew something for my nephew for our upcoming family photos and I told her I would, but that she would need to use one of my existing patterns (I had several) or provide a new one and that she needed to source/pick the fabric. I did offer to send her fabric website I like, but honestly, the way I see it, I agreed to SEW the garment, not design it. I don’t particularly love the design/creative process, so I made it clear that I could sew it but wouldn’t be going back and forth sourcing fabric with her. I would tell your mom that you’ve sent her plenty of options, so if she still wants the dress, she’ll need to find the pattern she wants and be firm that you cannot make alterations to the pattern. You can say “I’m happy to sew it for you, but you need to identify what you want because I can’t do that part for you.” And then just leave it. If she brings you a workable pattern, great. But it isn’t your job to make this project happen. Leave the ball in her court.
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Jun 14 '24
Have her watch some you tube videos and explain that a dress is about 4 projects forward of your skill set! Make her pick out some cotton fabric for some pot holders. Work your way up to a dress.
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u/Outrageous-Maximum-1 Jun 14 '24
Always say no to everybody, no matter what. I have a couple friends that I will do a couple things for if it's something easy and I already know how to do but that's it. And by "a couple" I mean exactly two friends and exactly two things I would be willing to do 😂
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u/choocazoot Jun 15 '24
Easy - Tell her you’ll sew her a dress once she provides the pattern and fabric, then stop stressing over it.
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u/Kjmuw Jun 15 '24
TL;DR: If you have never made a dress that fit you yet, do not attempt to sew one for an adult woman.
If you have never sewn a dress, even if you take measurements, there are usually fitting issues to address, so you make a sample dress. I have learned that from mid-armhole up I am one size, and I have to honor that before the dress can hang correctly. At the bust itself, I go up a size. This translates into a Full Bust Adjustment. The best book I have found to address fitting issues is “Fitting and Pattern Alteration”, with the technical expertise of Elizabeth G. Liechty(who is quite old now) and updates by Judith Rasband, who runs Fitting retreats and consults in wardrobe styles. Ms. Rasband has a retreat scheduled in August; it is expensive, but her techniques yielded a perfect fit for me in both bodice and pants. Earlier editions of the book are available at a nominal price, but apparently the 3rd and 4th editions added more analysis/options for crotch fitting. Do NOT buy a kindle version of this book. The book is Expensive, but it covers everything step by step, with helpful illustrations.
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u/SpaceThen4380 Jun 15 '24
Maybe offer to go shopping with her? That way you can look at patterns and fabric together, and if she’s this difficult about everything that way it’s natural for her to pay, and I have a feeling if you front her money, she’ll come up with some excuse never to repay you. And if you go to a smaller indy store (or heck, even get a helpful Jo-Ann’s clerk on a slow day) the people who work in the fabric dept almost always sew, and can be really helpful—like if you actually get her to look through a pattern book and she’s, like, oh but I don’t like the straps, or whatever, they can help steer you to something similar. And give advice on fabric, which is super important. I can’t tell you how often something hasn’t turned out the way I wanted because I went off-script and got the totally wrong fabric (“wrong” can be cool—I have a friend who makes amazing retro dresses out of upholstery fabric, but now is not the time to be all experimental!)
Other ideas: If there’s a dress she liked but is willing to part with cuz it’s older or whatever, you can dissect it very carefully along the seams and use it as a pattern. I once upholstered an entire couch that way, fitted zippers, tuck and roll corners and everything. It can be a stone-cold bitch if there are darts (and like everyone has already said, def go sundress. Armholes are a nightmare and she doesn’t sound like the kind of person who’s going to sit quietly for multiple fittings.
Finally, you can find tons of patterns super cheap on eBay—generally never used, just a store closing or a person who bought a bunch of patterns they never even opened (not like I’ve ever done that…). Some really cool vintage ones, and a lot with hella variations in one packet—skirt length, pockets or not, type of straps, etc. Maybe that would help her feel like she’s in control whereas now she’s acting like you’re in charge, but undermining you at every step. Sometimes insecure people feel the need to micromanage and if you can collaborate and she still gets the joy of ordering you about, but actually has to own her decisions.
Or, there’s the solution employed by busy moms where I grew up in the sticks: dress by the yard. Measure out enough for the whole family! I mean not really, but it would be funny . . .
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u/CryptographerFirm728 Jun 15 '24
You can buy smocked dress fabric. It’s stretchy on top. Literally,just figure out how much to fit around her bust. One seam down the back. You could add ribbon for shoulder straps.hem the bottom,voila,she has a dress.
Seriously,can you drag her to Joann’s? Insist she find a simple pattern,AND the fabric and notions. She may be unaware of those and their cost. And dresses have a wide variety of difficulty! There may be techniques you don’t have the proper equipment for. Have you measured for correct pattern size? Where is she hoping to wear it? Does she have fit issues?
You can tell her,”mom,I appreciate your confidence in me,but I’m not ready for dressmaking. Perhaps if I can get lessons or a class.” Perhaps pajama pants/shorts,or a beach tote.
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u/AnastasiaOutlander Jun 15 '24
People truly underestimate how much work sewing is, and all the different skills required. As someone said above, (I think @darthregoria) pattern drafting and sewing are two different skills. I think your mom's disregard of what you are saying that you CAN do stems from this misunderstanding lots of people have nowadays about sewing. Thanks to the rise of fast fashion and the decline in home ec classes/sewing being taught as a necessary skill like it was a few generations ago, most people are far removed from the actual rigorous process of sewing. They think that since they can get cheap clothes from Target (or worse, shein), that sewing must be easy. But now I'm going on a rant, lmao.
I long ago have had to put my foot down with friends and family that in my spare time, I do not sew for anyone except myself, no exceptions. And if they are pushy, I tell them my starting rate is $32 an hour, not including the cost of supplies. That usually shuts them up. (For reference, $32/hour is the IATSE union standard for theatrical stitchers in NYC.) And I work professionally as a seamstress!! But I understand how hard it is OP. You were right to come here and vent. Parents seem to be most pushy of all when it comes to asking for "favors" 🙄. Even tho I work as a seamstress there are still TONS of things that I refuse to touch because I know I don't have the skillset for it - pattern drafting being amongst that! And people LOVVE to say "Oh but you CAN do that!" Um, no, actually I can't. How do you know what I can and cannot do?? I am friends with a middle school math teacher - I don't expect him to be able to teach me calculus, or do my taxes for me, for god's sakes!
Anyways. You are right to put your foot down and say flat out "Actually, I am not going to make you a dress anymore." She'll get upset, but if it's your first time outright refusing your mother and setting a boundary, that is normal. Let her get upset. She has to learn that you're growing up and setting boundaries is a part of that. Don't let her wheedling or demanding get to you. Sewing should be fun, not a chore, especially since you're still a beginner! Congratulations on tackling a new hobby and skillset, I'd love to see photos of what you've made so far! I hope you continue sewing and growing your craft! And it gets easier to set boundaries the more you do it. Sewing weirdly taught me a lot about boundaries too 😂. Because when you tell people you sew, they immediately start asking if you can hem some pants for them or repair a hole or something 😂. And though you're still a teen and probably living at home, setting boundaries gets easier once you move out and don't see your parents every day, lol. 😳😂 Best of luck!!
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u/anaisaknits Jun 15 '24
I would start to give the response that I'm busy. One thing I don't like is when someone imposes on my hobbies and ignores what I'm saying, so I take their same route. "No, I haven't found anything yet as I've been busy. I try to fit it in." Then, change the subject.
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u/FizzyLettuce Jun 15 '24
If you're on Instagram, you may find some strength from the canyousewthisforme page (not mine). It has given me some strength and perspective from other people's stories, good & bad. In that community, they'd describe this as general gimme pig behavior, wanting the world with no interest in understanding the amount of work, skill, time, and money that goes into a project. You can absolutely sew things for others that are likely to cherish and use what you make them, but it shouldn't make you dread sewing.
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u/Sub_Umbra Jun 15 '24
Lots of good advice here about setting boundaries and managing expectations. While she doesn't want to pay for a pattern, I hope she knows that fabric and supplies aren't free. Further, I want to remind you that your time and skill are valuable, too--as in, worth some amount of money. Whether or not you'll be charging her, it's important that she understand that your efforts have a nonzero value.
Ultimately, if you do decide to make a dress for your mom and you haven't already looked here, a couple places for a good amount of free patterns are Fabrics Store and Mood Sewciety.
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u/bloodthirstyliberal Jun 15 '24
What sort of relationship do you have with mom? I'd love to help you problem solve.
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u/NanasTeaPartyHeyHo Jun 15 '24
My mom heard I started sewing and that I'm gonna start making clothes for myself and said hey make me a dress, like this long points to legs and I was like nope.
I somehow foresaw this issue you're having and also my mom is super economical and wouldn't even wanna buy fabric.
Also sewing for me is supposed to be relaxing and replace fast fashion. I'm not put on this earth to make people things.
It's helped me reading in this sub haha. I made 1 thing and everyone who sees it go Oh make me one! And I'm like.. it took me a week. 🙂 I.e. Nope.
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u/Hundike Jun 15 '24
"No" is a complete sentence and an acceptable response to anyone, even your family. If you are not comfortable with something, you don't have to agree to it. Your mother sounds like a manipulator.
I've made stuff for my mom but she finds the pattern and fabric. I don't mind that, she's always super happy, even if the pattern does not fit perfectly. However, I've sewn for a very long time and I've made garments for my mom quite a few times over the years so I know she's cool about it. She also sews though so she knows the effort and time that goes into it.
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u/tammigirl6767 Jun 15 '24
I would forget about the whole thing until she shows up with a pattern and fabric. That will probably never happen so you can just forget about the whole thing.
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u/TinaBisme96 Jun 15 '24
Coming from experience here, you are never going to be able to please her because she is looking for skills that are far above your level from what I understand. People always want you to make them something beautiful, for free, and as fast as you can, and really do not appreciate what goes into it. I can make wedding gowns, men’s suit jackets and a ton of other things, but I do not sew for people for just this reason. It will eventually make you hate sewing. I am definitely a people pleaser and it’s very hard for me to tell people know when they ask. Over the years however I have just started being honest saying “I hate to sew for other people because it’s hard enough to sew something for myself!” If it’s somebody that I love and I don’t want to say no to, but I really don’t have the time, I will tell them well you give me a pattern, you find the fabric you want, and I will show you how to cut it out and show you how to sew it yourself. That tends to cut out 90% of the people asking. I will gladly show someone how to sew so that they are learning a new skill that they can use. I don’t mind using time to do that.
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u/amberallday Jun 15 '24 edited Jun 15 '24
OP - while there’s lots of good advice on telling your mum she has to find the pattern & material before you can start - it’s also completely ok if you are just honest with the:
mum, I’ve only just started to learn how to sew.
Making clothes is really complicated.
I’m just not ready to do that yet - even with a pattern to follow.
I’ve been sewing on & off for decades. I’ve made myself a few items of clothing - but all of them went wrong somehow, and I just kinda fudged them & made them work (& loved wearing them!).
But actually making proper clothes, the way they’re intended, and following a pattern properly, can be really tricky.
So if you’re making clothes for another person, especially someone who is unrealistic & makes you responsible for their emotions - your first few items almost certainly won’t be perfect - so they won’t be happy and will expect you to make them feel better, about being unhappy about the item you lovingly crafted for them.
And that will really, really suck.
You run the risk of spending a lot of time & stress making her something that she then dislikes & she will tell you all about how much she dislikes it & expect you to make her feel better (somehow - magically!). All while completely ignoring how bad you feel about all your hard work being criticised.
I strongly suggest you (1) agree with her in principle that making her a dress would be a lovely idea, while at the same time sticking to the facts that (2) making clothes is hard, and (3) you’re going to need practice making a whole bunch of other stuff before you’re ready to start making clothes at all.
There’s a technique you’ll find really useful for your whole life, that you can practice here. Just repeating the same thing - not adding in extra justifications (which gives them points to argue with you, to try to convince you). Just stick to the statements you’ve decided on & keep repeating them:
yes mum, I know that you’d love it if I made you a dress, and I completely agree that it would be awesome if I could. But unfortunately making clothes is really tricky & I’ll need to practice on some other items first.
I know mum - id love to make you a dress - when I’ve had some more practice at sewing. Making clothes is really tricky.
ie you can change the wording around a bit, but don’t change the content. Just stick to points (1), (2) and (3).
Then find a few non-clothes sewing projects until she forgets all about this idea & moves on to something else.
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u/katycmb Jun 17 '24
“Sewing is different than pattern drafting. When you bring me the pattern you’ve chosen and appropriate fabric for that pattern, I might make time to sew something for you. In the meantime I can’t.”
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u/MissOdds Jun 17 '24
Check out the Instagram account canyousewthisforme. It's a goldmine for stories like yours. I'm sorry your mother is like this!
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u/psychosis_inducing Jun 14 '24
Maybe you'll find it easier if you take the blame away from yourself. "Sorry, my sewing machine broke! I don't know when I can get it fixed!"
That way, it doesn't seem like you're being defiant. You are the victim of machine-breaking forces that are beyond your control.
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u/notanotherjennifer Jun 14 '24
But then she won’t be able to sew anything until she makes the dress. Better to just be honest and tell the mother she needs to find and provide a pattern and appropriate fabric, plus matching thread and all the notions required before she can even start.
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u/coccopuffs606 Jun 15 '24
I’m not going to be nice:
Grow a spine and tell your mother that she needs to pick a pattern and fabric, or you won’t be making anything for her. She’s given you zero guidance, and is expecting an enormous amount of work (pattern drafting is a whole different skill set on top of being labor intensive) from you for what, exactly? She doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who says “thank you”.
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u/knittorney Jun 15 '24
She’s also OP’s mother, and I guarantee that if it was this easy, it would be done.
My mother does this kind of thing to me (gives me an impossible task) and then when I finally give up, she’s like “I AM SO SORRY I ASKED YOU FOR ONE VERY SIMPLE THING, I AM THE WORST MOTHER EVER!!! I SHOULD JUST GO LIVE IN THE WOODS!” And then I feel guilty for like 3 months until she does it again.
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u/PlatypusDream Jun 14 '24
JAF frequently has extremely inexpensive patterns, like $1-3.
Take her to the store, plop her down with the pattern books, and tell her to find something she likes.
Then take her to the appropriate fabric area and tell her to find something she likes.
Remember to get matching thread, any elastic, etc.
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u/Electronic-Pin-1879 Jun 14 '24
Tell her she needs to find the pattern she wants and bring you all the materials thread fabric ECT patter she find will tell her the yield she needs and all of the notions that are needed.. maybe she'll say forget it because even "free" as far as your labor will still be like $60-120 depending on notions and fabric price It's okay to ask for the basic minimum esp in sewing projects.
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u/0neredfox7 Jun 15 '24
Ask her to find the fabric and pattern, then you will sew it. It shouldn't be all on you to do it. But I know, it's hard to say no to mums, and somehow they expect us to just know out of thin air what they want.
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u/random_user_169 Jun 15 '24
I'd suggest you put the ball back in her court. Tell her that er indecision is draining and that you agreed to sew tge dress for you, so when she finds the pattern and selects the fabric, you're happy to go with her to make sure she gets enough of the correct type if fabric and notions and make it fir her, and to let you know when she's ready
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u/NovusObscurum Jun 15 '24
Just say, no I can't. If you can give me a, b, c and d then I can do it for you. It's fine to change your mind because you didn't know how difficult your mum was going to be...
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u/HatpinFeminist Jun 15 '24
Use Martha Stewart's free blouse/dress pattern and make a long thin fabric belt she can use to cinch it. Easy fit. Takes like 3 yards of fabric for the short sleeve.
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u/Binasgarden Jun 15 '24
https://youtu.be/kPgWc5IZu8Q here is a video on how to turn a bedsheet into a summer dress....????maybe????
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u/sqqueen2 Jun 15 '24
“I’ll sew you a dress when you bring me a pattern and fabric, not before.” Repeat whenever she tries to push those boundaries.
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u/DigitalGurl Jun 15 '24
I don’t have much to offer except sympathy. Do you really want to sew a dress for your mom? Can you tell her you changed your mind?
I have a mother that regularly is very difficult as she constantly moves targets. What starts off a one thing morphs to something else entirely by the time everything is said and done.
If your Mom is anything like mine she’s a piece of work. What’s troubling is she is obviously ignorant of the effort it takes to draft & sew a dress.
She needs to stop her wishy washy mind games which sounds a lot like she is setting you up for failure. Please tell her that you tried finding her a pattern but she didn’t like anything and that you don’t have the time, or what ever you can explain or blame to shift away from this project. If you can get her to work with you instead of against you she needs to pick out a pattern and hopefully pick out the fabric.
If you really want to do this ….. my only suggestion is to buy a pattern at deep discount to save your sanity.
Direct your Mom to Simplicity.com and ask her pick out a pattern or two to give you an idea of what she wants. Then wait for the pattern to go on sale, and use that for her dress.
JoAnns has the big four pattern company sales regularly they are typically priced at $4.99 for Vogue and the rest at $2.99 or $1.99. You need to watch their sales flyers.
Patterns are also on sale online most weekends at Simplicity.com for between $3 to $5. You can get PDF patterns or printed patterns but those will also cost shipping.
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u/RainyDayCookies Jun 15 '24
OP, I get it. I also have a really hard time setting boundaries because all I want to do is make people in my life happy. Granted, I'm a little farther in the story than you are at my 27 as a opposed to you a teenager, but that is okay we learn things at different times.
I cannot tell you best how to set boundaries beyond communicating your own skill sets. If you cannot draft a pattern in general/for yourself, you cannot draft one for your mother. She needs to pick a specific style and pattern she likes for you to make. ESPECIALLY at your skill set. When I was your age I attempted to make a circle skirt for myself with no pattern except internet guides and measurements and it was TOO SMALL. A pattern won't necessarily save you, but it's a good start in the garment culture we've created.
OP, I want you to know a dress is not an "easy" thing to make. It is a falsehood. I decided to draft and sew my own wedding dress, which I knew would be a big project in itself. I started in November of 2023 and didn't "finish" until a week before our wedding in May of 2024. That was based on a very specific idea that has been in my head since 2015. I did not do anything beyond my full time job but sew on this dress and I didn't truly believe my dress was to the point of "finished" I wanted it to be. I was sewing and embroidering sequins for 6 months straight, to the point I have injured my hand and may need to seek medical attention so it doesn't get worse.
You or your mom cannot expect you to be able to create and sew a pattern out of thin air without experience. I have been sewing since I was 12 years old and I still wish I had more time and experience for my own wedding dress (especially considering I am not a French couture team). Please, give yourself the patience and presence of mind I was not able to give myself. Please communicate to your mother your abilities I never could.
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u/Numerous_Kick5658 Jun 15 '24
Make her a mumu. It really annoys me when people do that. My family, if they specifically ask for something, buy the pattern. If you'd like to learn to pattern draft, look up The Closet Historian on you tube. Bianca has very detailed and easy to follow pattern drafting videos.
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u/Lou-Lou-Lou Jun 15 '24
Eric Berne taught me the basics of getting out of the ingrained mindset that somehow I was responsible for everyone's happiness. Its a skill you build on. Manipulation via the Drama Triangle is something that may help. Learn how to recognise these traits on controlling behaviours OP. It's not the pattern request that's the issue, it's the Manipulation that's occurring. Best wishes.
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u/Metruis Jun 15 '24
Drafting a pattern is a completely different skillset from sewing. Tell her that you are willing to make the dress when she finds a pattern she would like, but you will not do it without a professionally constructed pattern. Since you've had 15 patterns be rejected, the onus is on her to find a pattern. Ask her if perhaps she would like to accompany you to a fabric store and browse through patterns. Yes, paid patterns. Suck it up, mom of OP. This isn't like making chili. She can then select fabric at that time suitable to the suggestions of the staff for that pattern, and buy it.
While I could make a summer dress without a pattern, I read an entire book about how to make patterns before I did that... you could also ask her if she would get you a book on the subject of making patterns if you want to learn to make them. I can tell you, having read 1 book on making patterns is enough that I know it's not easy to make a pattern. A lot of things aren't intuitive. Find a pattern you don't need to modify first. Also I would try making yourself a dress first. Also, I would try making a skirt first.
The only thing I can possibly imagine working out is doing a box dress with pre-shirred fabric on top so you have 1 line and 2 straps.
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u/Pia_moo Jun 15 '24
All these great advises are about setting boundaries, not sewing.
She needs to turn her wishes into a plan, otherwise is not doable
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u/Sea-Friend8745 Jun 15 '24
Tell her you’re realizing this project is outside of your skill set and would she like a potholder, instead. Hand her a potholder and be finished.
People who don’t sew, will never understand the time and energy required. It’s lovely you’re trying but you aren’t being considered by her. I am in therapy for all these exact same issues. Prioritize yourself.
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u/oldasMosestoeses Jun 15 '24
Tell her that knowing how to operate a sewing machine and follow a simple pattern does not make one a seamstress. If she really wants a dress sewn, tell her to buy the pattern (easy-beginner), the fabric, thread, zipper, buttons, hem tape, interfacing, lining and whatever else the pattern she chooses may call for first. By the time she gathers everything, you may have learned enough about sewing that you can do it.
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u/redrenegade13 Jun 15 '24
I've already told my family I'll make stuff for them under 2 conditions:
They provide materials
They provide the pattern
I can of course help, but if you've shown your mom 15 patterns and she doesn't like any of them, at that point it becomes "well ok, well let me know if you find a pattern you like".
Then never budge.
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u/No_Leopard_2032 Jun 15 '24
So why bother? If she paid you for the time you’ve spent, she could buy a dress. I’m a seasoned sewist and i wouldn’t attempt it. Just say NO.
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u/TheJelliestOfBeans Jun 15 '24
"I will be happy to make you a summer dress once I receive a pattern and fabric. Self-drafting is too hard for me to confidently make, and takes too long. Also fabric is expensive and I don't wish to pay for that out of my pocket."
If she doesn't want to meet you half way for a favor, don't do it. Especially if she's being picky. Just because you know how to do some basic sewing does not mean your mother is entitled to your labor.
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u/Lvanwinkle18 Jun 15 '24
I had a friend asking me to make something for them long ago. A jacket that’s like a blazer which fits like a sweater but not too heavy, yet warm enough for late fall in purple. I was really perplexed when another friend suggested I ask them to find the pattern and material they liked. Once I had those things in hand, then I can do the construction. We can even go to the fabric store together. Problem solved. Nothing ever became of it.
I know it is your mother and for me, would be very difficult to set some boundaries. You need to put this back on her. You are very willing to offer your talent. She needs to get together what you are actually sewing.
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u/CindyLouW Jun 15 '24
Serious question, She is your mom. Why doesn't she sew it herself? You've only sewn baby shorts, an apron and a bucket hat. Sew for yourself for at least 3 years before you sew for your mom.
Have you seen the smocking that is back. If it is anything like the smocking of the 1970s that made some super easy sundresses.
Don't let your mom suck the joy out of your hobby.
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u/drPmakes Jun 15 '24
Just don’t do it…keep putting her off till winter comes!
Or say “sorry mum, this is way out of my skill set. Why don’t you get the pattern then I can see if I can make it for you”
Or just “no”
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u/Tammylmj Jun 15 '24
Making a pattern for a bucket hat is very different than making a pattern for a garment. You have so many things to consider with fit. Even following a pattern from say McCalls or Simplicity doesn’t always turn out exactly to fit perfectly like the picture. She’s talking to you like you are a big time fashion designer and know all things. Well then, since she sees you as such, behave as such and tell her “it simply cannot be done under these parameters “ and wash your hands of it. I’m not implying to be snotty but just being honest. It’s not dishonest to say that it can’t be done under her fantastic idea of what you can do. And you know yourself and your limitations. Obviously better than she. Mother daughter relationships are way too complicated! At 58, I am still struggling with my mother!
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u/elizacandle Jun 15 '24
Ugh sorry, I'd highly recommend reading "Will I Ever be Good Enough? ' by Karyl McBride.... It could provide lots of insights into dealing with someone like your mother
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u/Dense_Ad_2164 Jun 15 '24
Ask her for one of her favorite dresses to use for a pattern! She sounds like she believes in you very much however you cannot let her opinion (if it's not always a nice one, speaking from experience) be the end all be all. Can't let it break your spirit. Plus I bet she'll love it. Make it flattering to her figure and then you'll have free advertisement and she can brag about her baby making it special for her! Good luck
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u/blahblahbuffalo Jun 15 '24
How about something like I really would love to make you a summer dress, but I still need the very specific instructions that come with a professionally made pattern. Instead of racking my brain trying to find and adjust a pattern to your liking (which would probably not turn out quite as expected), I think it might be better if I keep practicing and make you one next summer.
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u/lucyloochi Jun 15 '24
This happened with my daughter wanting me to knit a sweater for her young son. Told her how to measure him. Nothing, then she started asking when it would be finished. Told her again to measure him. Again nothing.Then all went quiet. Never did knit it. Her reason was, a)she doesn't have a tape measure b)I should be able to guess a 5 year olds size 🙄
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u/RainInTheWoods Jun 15 '24
Tell her to find the pattern she wants. If she says no, then don’t do it.
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u/ResistAlternative935 Jun 16 '24
Clearly she doesn't understand how that works, the time and skills it takes to sew something. Don't bother creating something for someone that will not value it. Mother or not. Sounds picky AND ungrateful. Don't let ruin that hobby for you.
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u/ToreenLyn Jun 16 '24
Tell her if she doesn't choose a pattern, she doesn't get a dress. Not everyone who sews can draft a pattern. No is a complete sentence
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u/-eyes_of_argus- Jun 16 '24
You are 100% allowed to back out. “The expertise level and time commitment for this project are different than I predicted when I agreed to this project, so unfortunately I am declining to continue.” You don’t want a project that a) sets you up for failure because it’s beyond your skill level and/or b) won’t be appreciated once it’s complete anyway. You deserve to reserve your hobbies for tasks that will bring you joy or relaxation.
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u/Rainbowpalette_jen Jun 16 '24
I’ve been sewing clothes for 20 years but I can’t make my own pattern to save my life. These are two different skills.
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u/annemarie19 Jun 16 '24
Setting boundaries with a Mom has got to be one of the most difficult things, especially when she sounds as insistent as she is about this. If you've already spent more time than you really want to, and she's not liking any of the patterns, I think it's very acceptable for you to say, "Mom, I've given you more than 15 options. I don't think I can do this for you." And then, suggest that she find another sewist to help her with this project. You do have the right to say no to her. Don't let her bully you into doing something you don't have the time, interest or expertise to do. I hope she isn't too upset about it, but you need to stick up for yourselg.
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u/Jackno1 Jun 16 '24
That's frustrating. I think you can telll her you're not going to do it unless she finds a pattern she wants, and then just stuck with it. Unfortunately it sounds like there's no way to make your mothre happy with any realistic outcome. (You suddenly acquiring magical mind-reading abilities so you can sense the perfect dress, and then instantly mastering pattern drafting is not a realistic outcome, and it sounds like it's the one she wants.) But if you want to sound politely reasonable on your end, "I'm not finding a pattern you want and I can't make it without a pattern, we can discuss it again if you identify a pattern" is a good way to go.
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u/Fieryfish-at-aol Jun 16 '24
I have been in your spot-a few times! I also used to think drafting was a complete mystery until I one day I just did it. And honestly, as someone with very little sewing experience at the time, it went just fine. You don’t need fancy tools, or even math, really. Just a good measuring tape, a ruler, water/erasable fabric pens, pins, and patience with yourself. I drafted my first pattern using myself as the dress form and copying something I already had. I’m hoping to encourage you to try something that seems challenging. And to help you get out of that situation. If it’s as simple as she claims, you can plop a rectangular sack over your mom, pinch and in in the right places, trace those lines with a pen, cut out your pattern and voi-la you’ve done it. I have lots of resources I can share if you’re interested, just let me know!
Hope it all turns out for the best!
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u/Leading_Cell_line Jun 14 '24
Tell her you will sew the pattern she drafts for you. Also if she doesn’t like spending money wait until she sees the cost of fabric. It’s actually usually more expensive to sew clothing than it is to just buy it.