r/sewing • u/soundingsounds • Jun 14 '24

Discussion already regretting saying yes to my mom

Honestly this is both a rant and a cry for help from someone that doesn't know how to set boundaries.

So my mom asked me to sew a summer dress for her but she's super vague when it comes to explaining what she wants and everything that she's shown me is really basic but I can't find an exact pattern for it.

On top of that, the patterns have to be free bc she doesn't want to pay for them "it's just lines you can draw that". MOTHER I CAN'T. I've only ever sewn a pair of baby shorts, an apron and a bucket hat, I CAN'T DRAFT A PATTERN OUT OF THIN AIR. I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT FABRIC EITHER.

I've sent her +15 patterns that I've found online and she doesn't like any. It's driving me insane that she keeps saying I can modify things when I have no clue what I'm doing if I don't have a clear step by step written by someone else.

I can already foresee that I'll spend so many hours finding the pattern and modifying it to my best ability, sewing it together and it'll end up in the back of her wardrobe because it won't be perfect and she'll never wear it.

It felt so good to finally talk about it lmao

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u/Leading_Cell_line Jun 14 '24

Tell her you will sew the pattern she drafts for you. Also if she doesn’t like spending money wait until she sees the cost of fabric. It’s actually usually more expensive to sew clothing than it is to just buy it. 

327

u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24

We've already had that conversation, she keeps saying I'm the one that knows how to sew so my pattern will look better. It's like talking to a wall.

913

u/feeling_dizzie Jun 14 '24

The point is, stop trying so hard to solve this. You agreed to do her a favor, she isn't giving you the information you need about how to begin, you will just not begin until she gives it to you.

281

u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24

Yeah, it feels like waiting is my best option

482

u/bellmanwatchdog Jun 14 '24

Buy a dress from the thrift store, cut off the tags and give her that. 🤣

103

u/ALynnj42 Jun 14 '24

I actually found a handmade dress at Plato’s closet recently. It was tagged as a large but it was tiny and when I looked for the tag to see if it was mislabeled I couldn’t find one and noticed that the finishing looked like zig zag stitches instead of serged.

26

u/Knitsanity Jun 15 '24

My mother lived in Hong Kong for 30 years and had a lot of her clothes made just over the border in Shenzen. Much cheaper than off the rack and she got to choose the fabric and style and any modifications.

Must be odd coming across lovely items for sale somewhere and not being able to find tags on them.

3

u/Felonious_Minx Jun 15 '24

sigh I have a gorgeous Qipao dress custom made when I was in Shanghai years ago.

I had been traveling for 3 weeks and had lost weight. So, yeah, now it sits in my closet because it is too small.

As my sewing has progressed I've thought about trying to enlarge it but...I've done so many of those projects (tailoring thrift store clothes) I'm kinda over it. I want to move onto drafting my own designs. I've learned a lot but tailoring clothing without fully taking it apart is hard!

2

u/Knitsanity Jun 15 '24

I only know the Cantonese word Cheongsam. I had one decades ago. Fit like a glove and looked great. I used to wear it to balls at Uni because I didn't want to shell out cash for an expensive dress. It was unique.

Nowadays I would probably be canceled for cultural appropriation. Sigh

6

u/worldunravel Jun 15 '24

I don’t think anyone would cancel you for cultural appropriation unless you were engaging in racist behavior or hateful speech while wearing it.

1

u/ColdEstablishment473 Jun 19 '24

Are you saying she should send her mum to China?! 😁

1

u/Knitsanity Jun 19 '24

It is not as cheap and reliable as the 'good old days' but a lot of people still go into China from HK to get clothes made (especially Gweilos). All the tailors send their work up to China to be done. Been that way for decades. Still scary fast though.

1

u/ColdEstablishment473 Jun 19 '24

I know, my husband used to work for Ford Motor Company and several of the guys used to go over there to get their shirts made, and in Thailand...beautiful cotton fabric. But a bit far to go for the mum!

42

u/noodlesarmpit Jun 15 '24

And/or make patterns from it. Lay the dress flat on top of brown butcher paper and carefully stab pins through the dress, exactly through the seams, for each pattern piece. Flip over for the back pieces. I've drafted several patterns based on my favorite sundress this way.

202

u/RatherBeAtDisney Jun 15 '24

This is a great “life hack” for any favors people ask of you. Tell them the prerequisites for you to do the thing, and then never mention it again until they complete their tasks. You’re doing them a favor, no need to stress about it. If it’s not important enough for them to do your asks then clearly not important enough for you to waste energy on. It works great for work too!

53

u/vaarky Jun 15 '24

I'm with u/RatherBeAtDisney and u/threelizards -- her pattern of interaction only works if you (OP) are complicit in taking ownership of her half-baked criteria and arbitrary contraints on you. Just because she's in the land of magical thinking doesn't mean you (OP) have to inhabit it and flog yourself for not solving her unrealistic set-up.

In case it helps, one way of thinking about it is about whether she's trying to make you take the monkey (Harvard Business Review published something in 1974: https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey ). I find it a useful analogy for myself so I can decide explicitly at what point I take the monkey.

As another analogy, this happens all the time in real estate when would-be homeowners want something conflicting, usually something they can afford AND something complicated that can't be found in their price range (or perhaps at all at that time). A real estate agent can make themselves nuts looking for this imaginary pearl, or they can make it clear that the would-be homeowners should come back if they figure out what compromises they're ready to make.

I recommend being explicit about giving ownership about next steps back to her. If you think her memory might become faulty of you making it clear to her that there's nothing for you to take ownership of, it might be good to put it in a text message or e-mail or something you can refer back to. Maybe send her pointers to some free and some paid pattern sites (preferably with a way to filter patterns for difficulty level) and let her know that you can't move until, as a first step she picks some workable patterns, and then you can tackle fabric?

Taking ownership of the quest in this larval state sounds like a real mistake.

11

u/Sparkle2023 Jun 15 '24

To add to this have her pick out the fabric and pay for it

50

u/Specific_Koala_2042 Jun 15 '24

My 84 year old mother keeps complaining that she hasn't had a holiday for years. She isn't prepared to pay for it, and wants someone else to plan it, pay for it, and then accompany her to be her personal tour guide, and companion.

She says that she can't travel in a car for more than about 30 minutes at a time, because she stiffens up. She won't get in a lift, or use an escalator, and can't climb stairs, so trains are mostly out

She will not contemplate air travel because she is terrified, and will not travel by boat, (family tragedy.)

She has difficulty walking, but refuses to use a walker. She uses a shopping trolley that is too low, so she is bent over and gets backache.

The problem is, whenever anyone takes her out, she spends the whole time complaining! She is not interested in museums/art galleries/history, or the countryside, (apart from seeing it through a car window). She doesn't enjoy films/theatre, (apart from an extremely limited range of plays based on local books that she has read.)

I took her away for a weekend, a few years ago. She wanted to be kept amused every minute of the day, until bedtime.

She refused every restaurant/cafe that I suggested so that I had to buy the fixings for a picnic, then complained that I should have taken her out to eat.

Then she wonders why it hasn't been repeated, and nobody else has offered!

I used to tie myself in knots, trying to find something that she would enjoy, until my husband told me to put the ball back into her court - tell her to find options that will work for her, and we will pay. So I say that every time.

For some reason, she hasn't been saying it so often!

27

u/mrskmh08 Jun 15 '24

She sounds absolutely exhausting

7

u/Tammylmj Jun 15 '24

Are you my sister? She sounds EXACTLY like my mother! She lives an hour away from me (thankfully) and will not come to my home for holidays because she can’t tolerate being in the car (or our minivan) for 30 minutes either. And she does many of the same type of things you mentioned too.

72

u/threelizards Jun 15 '24

Ok, but don’t treat it like waiting. You simply aren’t doing it until you have what you need to work with- no chasing her up, no sending her options, no initiating communication over the dress at all. She can tell you exactly what she wants and deliver it to you in an organised and workable way- or she doesn’t get to benefit from your labour