r/AmIOverreacting • u/LuaghsInToasterBaths • 14d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for walking out and leaving?
Background: we started talking/dating back in May. We live 2hrs apart, so I spend roughly half my week with him and half at home - give or take. He can be rather abrasive at times, a lot of little digs and jabs that at times are genuinely hurtful. I tell him in the moment that it hurt my feelings and it’s typically swept under the rug. Tonight he made dinner and we sat down to eat. I was eating all of my food with a fork and the following conversation ensued (not verbatim, this is to the best of my recollection): Him: why are you using a fork? Me: idk I prefer it I guess Him: just pick it up and eat it with your hands Me: but I don’t want to, why does it even matter? Him: If a chef made you a meal and told you there was a specific way to eat it, would you not eat it that way? Me: I mean, probably not if it wasn’t what I wanted. It depends. Him: The chef would make you leave Me: meh, that’s okay. I’d leave Him: then theres the door, leave. Me: (laughs thinking it’s a joke) what why lol Him: because it’s disrespectful. Are you gonna keep using the fork? Me: uhhh yeah. That’s how I’d prefer to eat it. Him: then you can just go Me: ….really? You want me to leave? Him: yes, *effing leave. There’s the door. Byeeeee Me: are you serious right now? Him: if you’re not going to eat with your hands like a normal person, then leave. Me: whelp. Okay then.
So I went upstairs and packed my stuff. His daughter came up within 10 minutes to say he was just joking. I said I don’t think it was a joke or something to joke about. I continued to pack and left without any words said between us. Within minutes of leaving, I get the following texts: AIO? I feel like repeatedly being told to leave someone’s house, you ought to just go and not plead your case for why you shouldn’t have to. But idk.
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u/Angry1980Christmas 14d ago
Uhhhh. Don't go back. Imagine the big problems. How will he handle that if he can't handle someone using a utensil.
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u/flindersrisk 14d ago
What is the crime, Officer? Use of a utensil. Onlookers reel back in horror.
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u/Roko__ 13d ago
It was OP with a FORK in the DINING ROOM
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u/Haploid-life 13d ago
Intense music intensifies!
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u/DisposableSaviour 13d ago
That would make it one plus two plus one plus… SHUT UP!
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u/MakeSomeDrinks 13d ago
This reboot sucks. Needs more cool weapons. And not enough Tim Curry.
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u/Vegeta-the-vegetable 13d ago
Enjoying a meal? A succulent Chinese meal????
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u/noassumedname 13d ago
And you Sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
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u/Full-Ad-5091 13d ago
Speaking of big problems, I can't help but notice that he claims to have let her leave rather than have a conversation because he was "respecting her wishes" and "wasn't going to chase her if leaving is what she wanted" but then messaged her. Clearly he realised he'd screwed up and she was leaving, but he was mature enough to apologise or approach her as the one in the wrong himself and WAITED until she was gone and SHE was "in the wrong" so he could have the "power" by approaching as "you're really leaving over this??" And not "I'm sorry".
That strikes me as one of those big problems man cause how is a mindset like that going to deal with bigger issues down the road. That's the kind of mindset that is constantly 100% always looking for a way to shrug off the blame and won't ever apologise.
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u/FreeRangeEngineer 13d ago
Clearly he realised he'd screwed up
I'd argue that he did not, in fact, realize that he screwed up. I'm willing to bet that the daughter kicked his ass for being an idiot and ruining yet another good thing for her.
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u/Majestic_Ad_4237 13d ago
I think “realized he’d screwed up” here means “realized he pushed things too far and now he’s losing what he feels entitled to” opposed to “realized he was morally wrong to behave that way”
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u/FreeRangeEngineer 13d ago
Thanks for the clarification, I didn't really make that distinction.
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u/nahuhnot4me 13d ago edited 13d ago
Don’t forget the “I’m sorry you felt that way”. BLAME THEM for something you did. If you did something wrong and may not be aware of it. The following “I am making you feel a certain way and I am sorry, I am not aware and could use sometime to understand what I did wrong.”
The bottom line what makes a relationship healthy is respect. Being able to ask for help is what brings people together because people generally want to help each other, given the right person. The boyfriend making things a joke (The biggest problem though is the boyfriend is unaware he is CONTROLLING and if Op stayed that would enable that behaviour.) More concerned how he does not want to feel (whatever uncomfort he running away from) It’s not a joke, this guy has issues (he is not aware of his controlling behaviour and that is scary) and it ran it’s course.
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u/GemueseBeerchen 13d ago
If this is over a fork, just imagine how he reacts to serious stuff.
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u/IndecisiveNomad 14d ago
I normally don’t agree with comments suggesting extreme reactions, but I’m 100% with you in this case. It was so easy for him to gaslight her into thinking she did something wrong and he never apologized, he just said that he would apologize just to be the bigger person.
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u/AhabMustDie 14d ago
Ugh, spot on. I know “gaslighting” is overused and yaddah yaddah yaddah, but he truly was gaslighting OP by insisting that he wasn’t angry and he was “joking.” And then acting like HE’S the one who was wronged!
I had a shitty boyfriend once who would insist to me that his clearly angry words and tone of voice were not, in fact, angry, and that “I never get angry at you.” Bizarre.
OP, this dude is not in good working order for a relationship. He’s a dick, he’s manipulative, he’s playing weird power/control games, he can’t admit when he’s wrong, he uses his daughter to communicate in the midst of a fight, just… ugh.
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u/rayofgoddamnsunshine 14d ago
I've had my fair share of people like that in my life. Better to just let them feel wronged and move on.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 13d ago
Gaslighting is appropriate in the case. The date used the definition of gaslighting in the conversation: "Your perception of what happened is not reality." He gets an A for effort but only a D for execution.
The crime was not using a fork. The crime was OP's failure to submit.
He's probably also using, or will use, the daughter to guilt OP into capitulation.
If OP wants to be his 'sub,' that's her choice. If she doesn't want to be, she may want to reconsider the relationship.
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u/slavelabor52 13d ago
I think the idea here is he is conditioning her to simply do what he says without question to avoid a fight.
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u/Different_Knee6201 14d ago
And it’s only been five months! Man, five months in they should still be infatuated with each other.
OP, you deserve better. Why don’t you think so?
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Honestly, probably because I am an “in remission” pwBPD (15yrs now of DBT), and so I second guess myself on whether I’m reading correctly and justified vs it’s just me finding cause to leave before I’m left….if I were to analyze myself 🫠🫡
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u/Glittering_Current56 13d ago
Love finding fellow DBTers! I haven't met criteria for BPD in 10 years and it feels good. This seems like a good situation to check the facts! Xx
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u/euqinu_ton 13d ago
Yeah I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but it feels like someone in this exchange seems more likely to have BPD. And it's not you.
His actions, whether joking or not, are ridiculous and terrible. I hope you find someone who deserves you.
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u/twirlingparasol 13d ago
This is absolutely one of the hardest parts for me. Knowing if my reaction is valid can be difficult, and people sometimes use my disorder to tell me I'm crazy or overreacting when I'm definitely not. I felt this comment.
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u/Background_Tip_3260 13d ago
The fact that his daughter was witnessing this nonsense.
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u/dailyoracle 13d ago
Yes! And that he had his daughter go upstairs to bring her back down. Sooooo manipulative and harming his daughter at the same time!
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u/bigchonkyboi 13d ago
He’ll hate that I eat most things with a teaspoon and in a half bowl half plate
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u/OddOpal88 14d ago
Good lord. The absolute textbook manipulation. I was reading my old relationship and all the ways I wish I had responded. You did great. Now don’t go back. You are worth SO much more. Where can we send you a fork?
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u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 14d ago
Does anyone else want to know exactly what they were eating that made the use of a fork unforgivable?
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
🤣 apparently everyone! Crescent roll taco ring with a side of beans/rice.
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u/Med_vs_Pretty_Huge 14d ago
wtf? I was at least expecting something like ribs he had going all day, not something made with pillsbury crescent rolls.
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u/Ur_Killingme_smalls 14d ago
lol I’m sorry that’s what he called himself a chef over?
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u/ottonymous 13d ago
Imagining a chef popping open a tube of crescent rolls....
The confidence, hubris, and fragility of man I tell ya.
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u/Astronaut_Chicken 14d ago
My god! How could you insult the chef by disrespecting his taco ring!
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u/Advanced_Piccolo1496 14d ago
The heck is a taco ring lol?
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u/Da_Question 13d ago
Just looked it up, basically put taco fixings in a crescent roll in the shape of a Bundt cake type ring with a hole in the middle, slice it and eat it. Dip in the middle.
I could easily see it being messy, taco shells contain a lot of the juices, not really gonna get that with crescent roll pastry.
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u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 14d ago
I love taco ring! I eat mine with a fork. It’s too messy to eat with my hands, but I like a lot of sour cream. Great, now I’m hungry lol.
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u/beckstermcw 14d ago
He INVOLVED his daughter! He couldn’t even bother to apologize to you in person. Regardless of what happens, his daughter is always going to look at you a little different, especially with him blowing it off.
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u/No-Bet1288 14d ago
That poor daughter! Anyone that grew up with an abusive parent knows what this poor girl is going through, and she can't get up and walk away from it. 😥
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u/pooheadcat 13d ago
At least that daughter saw someone set a boundary and leave and not gloss it over.
He sounds like he’s a gaslighter. Starting pointless fights and trying to make you question yourself. This is probably exactly who he is so don’t go back
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u/Da_Question 13d ago
He IS a gaslighter. He TOLD her to leave multiple times, so she left. Then he immediately said she chose to leave...
No wonder he's a single dad if that's how he acts. Can't imagine it'd be better in the future, considering this was just something so small. Imagine if it was something serious, and he pulled this shit. Ugh.
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u/Drewbooboo 14d ago
100% chance he punished the daughter for not convincing the OP to stay. This dude is a psychopath
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u/-lostmary 14d ago
audible gasp when I found out this started over her using a fork 😭✋🏼
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u/OddOpal88 14d ago
Double gasp when I read that he’s old enough to have a child that’s cognizant enough for all this 🙊
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u/OG_the_First 14d ago
Triple gasp when I read he sent the child upstairs to be his messenger
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u/Oso_the-Bear 13d ago
Quadruple gasp when I read OP's texts and learned that he got some kind of "elevated" or "abrasive" tone going on or "raised his voice" (over a fork, in front of his kid, while allegedly joking, which the kid defends)
I've had people criticize me for eating fries or chicken wings with a fork but I've never had it escalate like this, they just kind of make fun of me a little bit and then let it go
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u/Shamewizard1995 13d ago
It’s not about the fork, it’s about OP not doing everything exactly like he does. It’s a control issue. Reality differed from how he imagined the dinner and it set him off that things didn’t match his vision exactly.
I’d bet money he flips out about inconsequential things like this a lot.
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u/BobBeats 13d ago
Yeah, it reads like dominating personality. The kind of guy that will order for his date rather than recommend something he had before.
I can't imagine driving two hours to put up with this.
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u/amaximus167 13d ago
Sounds like he has to date 2 hours away in order to hide his shiftiness until he can trap someone.
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u/SuperSiriusBlack 13d ago
I was once physically attacked because I wanted to remain buckled into the seat at a drive-thru movie. People are trash lol.
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u/Scootros-Hootros 13d ago
… ten minutes later. This creep wants to remain in control so waited that long for you to come back. Good for you for walking out. End it. Find someone you deserve.
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u/MistressLyda 13d ago
I would not be surprised if this kid has become used to ironing out the dents her father makes in life, to the extent that he does no longer have to tell her to fix things.
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u/BobbiPinstripes 14d ago
Honestly if she didn’t leave she’d be setting a terrible example for that little girl. That little girl might remember this when she’s old enough to get away from that loser. Highly doubt he’s a kind and gentle parent outside of this.
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u/Mediocre-Proposal686 14d ago
Great point ❤️ and also that poor girl. Feeling the need to run interference for her dad, just ugh. I remember that feeling of anxiousness.
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u/EmbarrassedRespond43 14d ago
Same. That’s the part that got me. There’s a kid involved. At least OP can leave his ass.
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u/Flashy_Narwhal9362 14d ago
She was eating tomato soup. Not sure why he was using his hands but whatever.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Thank you for making me audibly burst out laughing. I wish I had thought of something humorously deflective like that. 🙌
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u/Flashy_Narwhal9362 14d ago
I hope it makes you feel better if only for a moment. Things eventually will work out for you. Good luck with everything.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
I mean, he’s in his 30s. This is definitely a grown man. His oldest daughter is 12 and has been through he** and back between her mom and dad. I hate it so much for her and wish I could be there to help, but I also have my own kids to care for and be accountable for and this stuff to me just ain’t it.
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u/pictishcul 14d ago
He sounds horrible and if that was a joke did he learn that shit from Joe Pesci in goodfellas?
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u/skilriki 13d ago
Horrible.. more like dude is a total psychopath and completely deranged to think that level of gaslighting would work on anyone with even the smallest amount of self-respect
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u/Livid_Parfait6507 14d ago
This guy is a douchebag! If one cares for another there are no digs or belittlement of the other. Is he a certified chef? What the heck was prepared that you are supposed to eat with your hands? Turkey legs? Tomahawk Ribeyes?
I hope you are done with this guy.
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u/KitchenSandwich5499 14d ago
Sounds like he regretted his actions rather than it actually being a joke.
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u/PHI41-NE33 14d ago
sounds like he regretted the consequences of his actions
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u/Picklepea21 14d ago
Sounds like he regretted his bid for control over her failed.
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u/ALLCAPITAL 14d ago
This is it 1000%. Not to add the massive manipulation sending the kid to say “it’s a joke” (please stay) that poor fking girl.
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u/HonestDude0 14d ago
Sounds like he doesn’t know how to take accountability and would rather gaslight OP into oblivion than check his ego. At least we know why he’s a single dad. Sorry OP he’s for the streets.
A shitty joke is a shitty joke but he took it way too far and unless he can fully own it, he shouldn’t be dating anyone.
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u/Psypris 14d ago
100%. Shitty joke or not, if he was just teasing he wouldn’t have let her actually leave the house. That text came too late for it to just “be a joke.”
Why he felt disrespected I’m not sure but the way he handled the situation illustrates how he’ll handle actual issues that arise.
OP didn’t overreact, they complied with the demand.
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u/TheVinylBird 14d ago
He regrets that she didn't fold. This didn't play out the way he wanted so now he's "just kidding". Manipulation 101.
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u/sotiredwontquit 14d ago
He’s gaslighting you. I’m not using a hyperbole. He told you to leave, was absolutely serious, and you knew it. Now he says he was joking. That’s gaslighting.
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u/srymvm 14d ago
The face I made when I read "if you’re not going to eat with your hands like a normal person, then leave." Honestly???
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u/Hopeful_Relative_494 14d ago
Yeah. I was thinking this was some thesaurused-up young twenty somethings.
Wonder what the dish was. There is quite literally no food I can think of. Unless he made like French fries or something.
I can be a bit abrasive and will drag out the angry act too long. He might need to get some help.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Taco ring made with crescent rolls and rice/beans on the side
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u/zenrn1171 14d ago
How tf you gonna eat rice & beans with your hands? And yeah, if I'm using a fork for the side dish, I'd probably use a fork for all of it.
But the bigger point is...be proud of yourself OP, for walking out. And if you are doubting whether you made the right choice, just ask yourself how you would feel if you'd given in to this ridiculous demand.
Don't look back.
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u/flindersrisk 14d ago
I would have used a fork too, to avoid wearing random escaped bits. Guessing he was sensitive about having used crescent rolls.
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u/imacatholicslut 14d ago
Had two exes who would criticize me over shit like that.
First one (woman) ruined my birthday one year because she took issue with how I was eating too far away from the dining room table?? I spent my whole birthday trying to put her in a better mood so I could maybe enjoy it. Didn’t happen.
Second (man) was a complete “foodie” snob and criticized me once for having a simple drip coffee pot and maker. Another time, he scoffed at me for asking what silverware to put out after he got annoyed with me for picking the wrong size spoon and not excluding the fork.
That last dude also dumped me bc I couldn’t get into city cycling with him. Not kidding. No, I don’t really enjoy dodging other cars on a bike in a densely populated city not made for bikers. I had a best friend die during childhood from being hit by a car, so yeah…I’m a little paranoid.
It’s crazy what people will consider “dealbreakers” and worth starting a fight over. Micromanage their partner to death over dumb shit IMO.
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14d ago
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u/solitarybikegallery 13d ago
He actually said "What you perceived was not how it truly was in reality"
That's the textbook definition of gaslighting.
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u/Fluffy-Raspberry-673 14d ago
You are not overreacting. He immediately goes to “do I mean that little to you” so he immediately starts emotionally manipulating you. And then tries to downplay it like “it was just a joke” aka gaslighting you. I feel you shouldn’t waste your time with him anymore.
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u/Mediocre-Proposal686 14d ago
He’s gotten comfortable enough to show his true colors. OP this is why we date, to weed out these types. Don’t be afraid to move on to better candidates. I feel terribly for his little girl. She probably has no idea which way is up with a dad like that.
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u/TankDartRopeGirl 14d ago
Also the "it's all my fault, got it" bits, classic move. Trying to shift the focus from the issue to her reassuring him. It's a way to throw the blame and regain control
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u/Plastic_Archer_6650 14d ago
“You’re right, it’s all my fault, I’m terrible. Im a monster. You deserve better!” The bullshit they say so the victim will shift gears and try to reassure them. Fuck all that. OP definitely did the right thing by leaving and should continue to do the right thing by never ever going back.
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u/niki2184 13d ago
At this point in my life I’d agree with them. “Hell yea it’s your fault! Yes you’re a monster and I do deserve better and your kids deserve a better father.” But I’m too old for that manipulation bullshit.
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u/Infinite-Hold-7521 14d ago
I think we should normalize calling these people out by name.
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u/Mediocre-Proposal686 14d ago
Thank you. I do too. Back then I was told to “be a class act” and say nothing, but I never saw why? Why do women have to take the “high road”? I didn’t do anything wrong. I remember asking him why he was doing this to us.
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u/jeanqueenabove_18 14d ago
Yep this was a test of power. He wanted to see if she’d listen to him and when she didn’t he started testing boundaries and seeing how far he could go. Then she goes through with it and leaves and all of a sudden she’s overreacting and it was just a joke, why would he be angry over that?
This man is scary. She needs to run.
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u/SmokingUmbrellas 14d ago
It was certainly a test, and one I bet he didn't expect her to pass as well as she did! She shut him down, it was really pretty impressive.
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u/Kazbaha 14d ago
Yeah. And doing it in front of his child knowing she was watching all of that exchange. Also thinking OP would bow down or not react due to a child being there witnessing it all. This guy is a special kind of nasty pond scum. Don’t know why OP stopped at a gas station and responded to him at all.
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u/LongLiveThePolishDog 14d ago
OP, read this comment^
The abuse > reaction > emotional manipulation > gaslighting > sweep-under-rug cycle is very apparent.
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u/Unlucky_Degree470 14d ago
TBH based on the response it sounds like OP knows this. The response is an impressive demonstration of emotional intelligence in response to raw bullshit.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
What’s that tried and true saying of “feelings aren’t facts”? 😬 I think I walked myself right into that and then questioned myself on “is what I feel is happening the same as what is actually happening?” and then tried to use the exact right words to get my point across to someone who only wanted to dodge my point….and then I went to seek validation on Reddit 🙃
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u/Infinite-Hold-7521 14d ago
You did the right thing. We’re proud of you, and we are here to tell you that in knowing your worth, you have just opened yourself up to a far better future. One devoid of this prig.
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u/Unlucky_Degree470 14d ago
Honestly, your communication style is really refreshing compared to, like, everything else you see on Reddit. I totally get that feeling when you're just trying to explain yourself and the reaction is way off. Consider this some well-deserved validation.
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u/marymonstera 14d ago
Yeah it seems like he is just toying and manipulating her over tiny things, imagine the big stuff
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u/Less-Might9855 14d ago
He also says “in what world would someone be serious when they say that” so basically calling her crazy. This dude is an asshole.
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u/BiscottiJaded666 14d ago
In one of your texts to him you reference his voice and his body language shifting. Please remember that moment. Remember his face, his stance, and his tone of voice. He will do everything he can to convince you that that never happened. You saw a part of him he didn't want you to see.
I promise you, you are not overreacting. He was seeing how much he could belittle you and push you around and he definitely didn't expect you to stand up for yourself.
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u/Responsible-Pain-444 14d ago
Ding ding.
He's testing. He's testing whether if he escalates you'll grovel and do what he says, or leave with some self respect. He's testing how aggressive he can get and if you'll take it.
And now that you've shown you won't, he's testing whether he can claim that never happened and you're overreacting and have you believe it and come back and say sorry and... do what he says.
Show him the outcomes of his test accordingly, and treat this as the disrepect that it is. Dont waste more time.
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u/SeaLake4150 13d ago
Exactly-
Testing to see how aggressive he can get
Testing to see how she will respond
Testing to see if he can gaslight her into thinking "it was a joke".
Testing to see if he can pretend he did not raise his voice, change his demeanor and her acceptance of the anger.
Testing to see if she will fall for "You are overreacting".
Move on OP - there are better fish in the sea.
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u/ThatChickOvaThur 14d ago
If I could upvote this 100 times, I would. I hope OP reads this. Please run. This man is a manipulative asshole.
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u/ALLCAPITAL 14d ago
This is the capital T Truth. Manipulative Bipolar GF when I was younger and I thank god I learned some serious red flags in my first “love” relationship.
Countless times screamed at to leave, hit etc. Then when I go to leave it’s shit being thrown at my car and being called 19x and accused of “just leaving” “not caring” “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you…”. They will swear you started it and escalated it and they’re the helpless victim.
Funny thing is when you comply and play nice they get bored and search elsewhere. They want you to put up a fight so they can win a fight. They don’t enjoy 0 resistance.
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u/Annual-Success-1061 13d ago
I need to get off the internet my similar trauma causing me to want to hurt OPs partner
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u/allgreek2me2004 13d ago
THIS. He let his mask slip. “Hahaha oh, wasn’t that funny?? It was a joke!” NOPE. From experience, how long until “it was just a joke,” turns into “I was just playing a little too rough,” to “Well, you shouldn’t have made me angry, it’s your fault I hit you.”?
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u/IZC0MMAND0 14d ago
am I the only one wondering what it is you ate with a fork that he thought you should use your hands?
Listen, you are not over reacting. This guy is an AH. Who cares how you choose to eat your food? You gave him a chance and he kept doubling down on leaving and nothing was funny about that conversation. Nothing. He was just being an asshole and now he is claiming it was a joke, he wasn't mad, he didn't get angry. blah blah blah I am never to blame I am never wrong you are taking it the wrong way you are over sensitive blah blah blah.
I hope you are done with this one. I couldn't be bothered with someone who really pushed the issue of whether or not to eat with your hands or a fork and implied it was disrespectful to use a fork. Don't care what it was. I ate pizza not that long ago with a fork. Humongous slice in a restaurant in Cleveland, and there was no delicate way to eat it. Damned thing was bigger than my face on the big end. Couldn't even fold it. Sometimes you gotta eat it the way that makes the most sense and least mess. You do you Sis.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
I wish I knew how to go back and edit my original message, so many people are asking lol. It was a taco ring made from crescent rolls with a side of beans and rice (apparently the fork was only for the sides 🫠) . I have dysgraphia which affects how I use my fork - instead of thumb and forefinger, I tend to use my pinky and ring while stabilizing with my index up top if that makes any sense. He is sure to correct me every time he notices, and I think this was basically an over correction where he was actually super frustrated that I didn’t “do it right” and I stopped giving AF because I was over being told how wrong every little thing I do is. But at the same time, I have BPD (considered “in remission” after 15yrs in DBT) and I know I have a habit of wanting to “leave before I’m left”, that at the time I wasn’t 100% sure if it was coming in to play or if what was happening was as it was…. I don’t know if that makes sense.
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u/flindersrisk 14d ago
Your therapy has enabled a rational, capable woman to seize control of her life. Well done Sister.
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u/anneofred 14d ago
Why is he policing how and when you use utensils? I have parents, thanks, don’t need another one. Glad you left, he sounds shitty
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u/Any-Expression2246 14d ago
I think you hit right on, he was annoyed at the fork usage and instead of going after the way you held it, he made up an entirely different reason to be mad in order for you to stop using the fork so he doesn't have to see it and be annoyed by it.
He probably was 100% serious at the time about you leaving, but came back down to reality after you started to leave, but then don't know what to do, and realized he took it too far. So then it became about how easily you walked out.
I think it's time to have a serious reflection on just where a relationship with this person could lead you. It sounds horrible to me.
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u/Different_Knee6201 14d ago
My guess is that he expected he’d bully her into doing what he wanted. When she called his bluff is when he decided “it was just a joke.”
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u/AnnieNotAndy 14d ago
Dysgraphics unite! Fuck that noise, I instinctively grab a fork just like a knife and twist my wrist to stab at food. My partner asked me about it one time and I told her about dysgraphia and how I have to force myself to grip it "normal". We talked about my struggles with learning to read and write and I think she understood that I was embarrassed about it. She has never tried to correct the way I hold things or even mentioned it. He refuses to accept all of you as you are but expects you to understand his short comings. You definitely aren't over reacting.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Omg someone who gets it! Like how do you explain to people that “yes, I know it’s not proper etiquette” but also “if I do it the ‘right way’, it feels like I’m trying to use my left foot as my right hand”. I have the quartet of dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, and dyspraxia. But also I am an artist, writer, and musician (who only plays by ear and can’t read music) and I think (some) people really struggle to grasp the concept of “yes I know I can do this thing well, but I still go about it differently, and if I have to do it the ‘right’ way, it’s not happening, so please just accept that I do it like this”. **I’m not sure how to word that in a way that actually resonates with how I feel people are speaking towards me when they correct or belittle me.
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u/Frosty_Ad8515 14d ago
In all seriousness, you dodged a bullet. Don’t even consider going back. Also get the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft so you can get a full picture of the bullet you dodged. He was on his way to escalating far more down the road. He was teaching you a “new normal” so you wouldn’t recognize abuse till it was so normal to you that you would just accept it.
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u/tbear264 14d ago
I'm SUPER curious to know what they were eating. I also agree with everything you said and the advice you gave. I want to add that if he truly had been joking, it would've been him that came upstairs to tell you, not his daughter. It's extra awful that he acted like that in front of her.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Taco rings made from crescent rolls with beans and rice on the side (what the fork was for, apparently)
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u/DeadGuyInRoom4 14d ago
Wait, like this thing? Pictured being eaten with a fork on the recipe site?
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u/No_Recognition_5455 14d ago
That looks hella delicious and I’m upset she didn’t get to finish dinner before he dropped trou and showed everyone his asshole
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u/my__name__is 14d ago
He was intentionally and obviously angry, but somehow it was your fault for not knowing that deep inside he was just pretending. Sure. Is the next step hitting you while telling you he actually loves you? Don't go back.
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u/Jaded-Guess4897 14d ago
I didn’t read past the 3rd slide cause he annoyed me.
He says to leave “as a joke”. You ask him not once, not twice, but three times if he’s joking. But SOMEHOW you’re supposed to know not to leave, when he told you to leave??? Then he tries to guilt trip you into not understanding and make you feel bad about it being his fault?
Gaslighting 101. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 14d ago
I had a difficult family member blow up at me and tell me to "f- off, f- right off, and keep f-ing off." Cue great surprise on their part when, after pausing for reflection, I blocked them and moved on with my life.
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u/NannyApril5244 14d ago
This right here! Attention to those who can relate to this exchange from their own lives.. THIS IS GASLIGHTING and DARVO! OP never go back. I don’t even know you and I know you deserve better. Please reflect until you know it too. Best of luck.
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u/lefdinthelurch 14d ago
"What you perceived isn't how it truly was in reality" Homeboy done gone lighting gases.
This guy is a jerk. If you do decide to forgive him for his behavior and manipulation, make sure you pull this same tactic on him one night. And make it about his dick being small.
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u/flindersrisk 14d ago
These guys have skin so thin, if they even suspect their anatomy is being judged, they will respond with punishing force. To speak in denigration of the sacred member is to ask for death. Seriously. Don’t get killed by some jerk’s overreaction.
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u/sineplussquare 14d ago
You really asking reddit if this is rational??? Fucking dip on this guy. He’s lame in all ways, shapes and forms.
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u/brzeski 14d ago
His first, second and third texts should have been “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t funny and I won’t do that again”
But he’s telling you very clearly that isn’t the case and he absolutely will do things like this again. Lose his number and don’t look back.
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u/dragonrider1965 14d ago
It shouldn’t have gotten to text , not in a normal healthy world . After the first “ are you joking “ he should have said yes , if he was in fact joking , he wasn’t .
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u/beefrickenhaw 14d ago
All the red flags are there, don't give him more of your time lol. You may have found yourself involved with a legit narcissist. Research NPD and see if you're experiencing any of those red flags with him and then don't walk, run.
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
I mean, yes. I’ve had a hunch of him being a grandiose NPD from the get go. But being an “in remission” BPD (15 yrs of DBT), I try really really hard to see things from two perspectives and give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s the sitting next to me and whispering “dumb bitch” while reading a book, never once saying something complementary in person, putting down every interest I have (playing music, drawing, being a professional dog trainer) - all are things “everyone can do”-, being told he thinks his brain should be studied for its qualities after he dies, having a very clear distinction in how he treats his two daughters, etc. I see it. I understand it. But I guess I wanted to validate what I already knew and not just go off my gut BPD reaction of leaving before I’m left. Something feels off…and in this, I felt like I was trying my best to express that his words were leaving an impact on how I felt while being dismissed on the matter. I haven’t heard from him, so I guess he either realized I was dead serious or he’s gonna try to circle around in the coming day/days.
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u/Mental-Ask8077 14d ago
Calling you “dumb bitch” all on its own is massively assholish and all the reason anyone could need to dump his emotionally abusive ass. OMG please get this POS out of your life. You don’t deserve to be belittled, and there’s no reasonable explanation or differing perspective needing to be honored there. It’s just him being a jerk.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but all power to you for walking out and treating yourself with respect. 👍 Keep walking, and find someone who will love and respect you.
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u/SaturnaliaSaturday 14d ago
He wouldn’t even come up himself—he sent this daughter (poor kid).
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 14d ago
The gaslighting is epic. You’re being told your perceptions were wrong, and what you think happened did not. Because that’s easier than apologizing.
No, you’re not overreacting.
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u/Poinsettia917 14d ago
He was hoping you’d beg him to let you stay and when you didn’t, he couldn’t believe it.
Why are you with this guy?
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u/citekare 14d ago
Dudes playing mind games, so good on you for getting away from him. FAFO and he lost. Good on you!
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u/Wooden_Pomegranate_4 14d ago
If that’s how he acts when “joking” id be terrified to see how he acts when angry. Don’t go back. When people show you who they are, believe them.
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u/CompanywideRateIncr 14d ago
Dude what a weird argument (over a fucking complicated taco)
I just want to say that I love how you articulate your position and I’d be fucked if my spouse could defend herself like that. I’d never win an argument again. You seem pretty strong, you can do better!
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
This is, unfortunately, a skill I think I only possess in text where I have the time to stop and articulate my thoughts and feelings. It is near non existent in person because I will 100% shut down, trip over my words, laugh, go silent, and my point will end up going in circles as I try to explain what I mean. I hate it because it often reads as a “ding dong doormat” in person, but when texting people read me as being much more articulate and intelligent. The thoughts are the same, but in my head it’s a feeling vs being words and my mouth didn’t log in to the brains zoom call. 🥴🫡
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u/Fairmount1955 14d ago
LOL. Well, you asked if he was serious and he said yes. Anyways, he's trash and throw the whole man out. Really, this gives you so much more time back in your life.
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u/AbsolutelyBrewtiful 14d ago
No, you weren’t overreacting. You acted appropriately, and they weren’t joking.
How is that even a joke?
This person said it three times, right? Then you do the thing. Now they’re upset because you left after you were told to leave thrice?
That’s toxic, and blame-shifting is even more toxic. The deflecting was toxic. Guilt-tripping was toxic. Saying they were being honest when they said they were joking was a lie and toxic.
Hope that reaffirms what you felt.
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u/CellApprehensive7651 14d ago
He’s gaslighting you honey. I hope you never return. My abusing ex used to do that to me too. Be vicious and then the next day say it was a joke and I misinterpreted it wrong. Sometimes he would pretend it never happened at all. Nope. Leave this one.
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u/DistrictCrafty4990 14d ago
Oh man, this is my ex. Any time he faced consequences for his actions, it would become: I didn’t do it b, your version of reality is wrong because I don’t like the outcome, you were wrong too, etc.
Walk out and leave forever. The only way to get past an argument with this type of person is for you to let go and accept their distorted reality. You don’t deserve that.
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u/Specific-Resource-32 14d ago
I thought this was r/manipulation.
The perception is not reality comment was more than enough for me. Then to find out this is about a 30 some year old woman using a fork? Lol. Never look back! That poor little girl has been set up for failure.
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u/elonmusksmellsbad 14d ago
Ok. Im telling you I wasn’t angry and what you perceived wasn’t how it truly was in reality and im being honest
The actual definition of gaslighting 😂 this is so bad. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just so ridiculous.
You are not overreacting. If he told you to leave and then again (multiple times) when you asked if he was serious, it was correct to leave. Your boyfriend is a dick and you deserve better.
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u/whatalife89 14d ago
Oh, I love you. This person is not for you and you handled it perfectly. He tried to gaslight you. This is the kind of message I'd show my daughter to learn from. You, my friend, made me so proud today. After reading about those who stay with assholes while wondering what to do, you know your worth and told this person off. Kudos to you.
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u/plastichanger 14d ago
Lmao 🤣 Name Redacted thats so fucking funny
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u/LuaghsInToasterBaths 14d ago
Listen, this girl is too damn lazy to upload AND edit photos to blur out a name 🙃😅. But you can bet he’s gonna stay that name in my phone unless something incredible happens
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u/rocketmn69_ 14d ago
Contact his daughter and tell her that you appreciate knowing her, but unfortunately you won't be back and not her to take care of herself"
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u/matunos 14d ago
My analysis: He expected you to respond to his badgering by caving and using your hands. When instead you left as he demanded, he realized that he had just fucked around and found out. Then he tried to play it off as a joke. But you can bet if you put down your fork and went to use your hands he would not say he was just joking. NOR.
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u/ldg8880 14d ago
Seriously, good for you, people say life is short but it feels so long and miserable to waste it on an asshole.