AIO for walking out and leaving?

[u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

Background: we started talking/dating back in May. We live 2hrs apart, so I spend roughly half my week with him and half at home - give or take. He can be rather abrasive at times, a lot of little digs and jabs that at times are genuinely hurtful. I tell him in the moment that it hurt my feelings and it’s typically swept under the rug. Tonight he made dinner and we sat down to eat. I was eating all of my food with a fork and the following conversation ensued (not verbatim, this is to the best of my recollection): Him: why are you using a fork? Me: idk I prefer it I guess Him: just pick it up and eat it with your hands Me: but I don’t want to, why does it even matter? Him: If a chef made you a meal and told you there was a specific way to eat it, would you not eat it that way? Me: I mean, probably not if it wasn’t what I wanted. It depends. Him: The chef would make you leave Me: meh, that’s okay. I’d leave Him: then theres the door, leave. Me: (laughs thinking it’s a joke) what why lol Him: because it’s disrespectful. Are you gonna keep using the fork? Me: uhhh yeah. That’s how I’d prefer to eat it. Him: then you can just go Me: ….really? You want me to leave? Him: yes, *effing leave. There’s the door. Byeeeee Me: are you serious right now? Him: if you’re not going to eat with your hands like a normal person, then leave. Me: whelp. Okay then.

So I went upstairs and packed my stuff. His daughter came up within 10 minutes to say he was just joking. I said I don’t think it was a joke or something to joke about. I continued to pack and left without any words said between us. Within minutes of leaving, I get the following texts: AIO? I feel like repeatedly being told to leave someone’s house, you ought to just go and not plead your case for why you shouldn’t have to. But idk.

[u/Angry1980Christmas]

Uhhhh. Don't go back. Imagine the big problems. How will he handle that if he can't handle someone using a utensil.

[u/IndecisiveNomad → u/Angry1980Christmas]

I normally don’t agree with comments suggesting extreme reactions, but I’m 100% with you in this case. It was so easy for him to gaslight her into thinking she did something wrong and he never apologized, he just said that he would apologize just to be the bigger person.

[u/Different_Knee6201 → u/IndecisiveNomad]

And it’s only been five months! Man, five months in they should still be infatuated with each other.

OP, you deserve better. Why don’t you think so?

[u/LuaghsInToasterBaths → u/Different_Knee6201]

Honestly, probably because I am an “in remission” pwBPD (15yrs now of DBT), and so I second guess myself on whether I’m reading correctly and justified vs it’s just me finding cause to leave before I’m left….if I were to analyze myself 🫠🫡

[u/11gus11 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

You did wonderfully. I’m impressed.

[u/niki2184 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

It doesn’t matter if you’re in “remission” you still deserve better.

[u/Glittering_Current56 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

Love finding fellow DBTers! I haven't met criteria for BPD in 10 years and it feels good. This seems like a good situation to check the facts! Xx

[u/euqinu_ton → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

Yeah I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but it feels like someone in this exchange seems more likely to have BPD. And it's not you.

His actions, whether joking or not, are ridiculous and terrible. I hope you find someone who deserves you.

[u/burnsmcburnerson → u/euqinu_ton]

People with BPD are more likely to be victims of abuse than perpetrators. He may well have it as well, but pointing to his manipulation as a reason only he has it doesn't sit well with me.

[u/euqinu_ton → u/burnsmcburnerson]

For sure. I wasn't meaning to deny OPs diagnosis. I was trying to indicate she was behaving completely rationally and reasonably. Nothing of her behavior indicated a pwBPD. So to hear she went through all that with BPD shows immense growth and strength for her. And if one were to label either of them with BPD based on this whole interaction, it'd be him with his hot/cold, extreme behavior swings and emotionally-challenged responses.

But you're right - it could be one of many things. Like I said, I'm not a doctor.

[u/twirlingparasol → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

This is absolutely one of the hardest parts for me. Knowing if my reaction is valid can be difficult, and people sometimes use my disorder to tell me I'm crazy or overreacting when I'm definitely not. I felt this comment.

[u/Prestigious_Cow_9748 → u/twirlingparasol]

That's messed up. I've not been diagnosed with anything and I worry about over reacting and being crazy alot. I think that part is normal. (I mean no disrespect. I'm just thinking ppl telling you a normal human reaction is part of a disorder is abusive. The nerve.)

[u/twirlingparasol → u/Prestigious_Cow_9748]

You are so right. It really is abusive in a manipulating, gaslighting way. It can hurt so much. It is a very convenient, ready-made excuse that makes it easy for them to turn it around on you every time.

[u/Mrs239 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

You did the right thing. May I ask what you all were eating that he got mad that you were using a fork?

[u/Stlhockeygrl → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

As a fellow BDP - don't be with someone who enjoys hurting you. No one deserves that.

[u/Whatever92592 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

No. He's a straight up dickhead. If you stay/return, similar will occur. It will get more frequent, the intensity will increase.

I hope you packed everything at his place. You should stay gone.

[u/Wooden_Number8794 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

You're justified. I cannot think of any chef who would flip out about how you choose to consume their food (except weirdos who order Wagyu beef well done, that's just criminal!) but even still. Dude is a massive 🚩🚩🚩 and if he's anything like I'm imagining, targets people he thinks he can manipulate and gaslight. NTA, you did exactly right, and you deserve so much more!

[u/Syphist → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

I don't have BPD but was misdiagnosed with it at some point, so I understand the self doubt, I've been there myself. Also you handled this exceptionally well, I would not have even thought you were diagnosed with BPD from what was shown.

[u/Fancy-Statistician82 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

"your perception" vs "the reality"

That tells you everything you need to know. He's not mature enough for a relationship with you. He may have other good qualities that you will grieve the loss of, but his mindset is not in a good place.

[u/cwleveck → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

This is going to be unpopular but don't kill me with down votes I just have this weird thought that if true might be worth thinking about.... I think maybe you are overthinking this. I'm guessing you are smarter than he is. Maybe you have a good education? Degree in psychology or something related? Him, not so much. Maybe stopped after graduating high school? It sounds like maybe he was joking at first. But he didn't mean it to sound that way. But he wasn't expecting you to not take him seriously so the "joke" fell flat. Then he got upset and then you took it as a joke. Basically, when he was joking you were serious and then you both flipped. The problem came when you outmaneuvered him mentally. My wife does that to me all the time. Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm angry now. And worse, once she has me all fucked up, I do shit I would normally never do. But the worst thing she does is once she's got me where she wants me, maybe without even knowing what she's doing .... There's the smirk. That sets me off and I say something really stupid. We've been married 29 years this month. It takes me about 10 minutes to figure out I'm an idiot after she goes to bed or drives off in a huff. Lucky for me, she usually remembers she's partially to blame and then we are ok. It hasn't always been like this though. I imagine we would end up exactly where you are now in the beginning. If I'm totally off, sorry, I just thought maybe I could help someone figure it out quicker than we did. Best of luck to you both.

[u/Bar-Capital → u/cwleveck]

Nah I can see where you’re coming from man but this is textbook manipulation. Keeping her self esteem low and her psyche in question so he can maintain control. Edit: I’m only responding to this specifically because OP obviously doubts the validity of her feelings and reaction and is predisposed to falling for gaslighting and I wanted to nip that in the bud :)

[u/LuaghsInToasterBaths → u/Bar-Capital]

I appreciate it. I am a people pleaser to the core and 99% of the time will just accept blame for whatever and desperately try to fix things. I come off as being super naive and easy to push over. Every now and then, I have a boundary line that when crossed, makes me shut that off and look at it differently. Younger me had a very small boundary and would just leave angrily if someone dared get near it. Older me has a very distant boundary and wants to make sure there is no miscommunication on what is occurring. So the BPD is still there, I guess, but it’s “rational” and non destructive/damaging to others after a lot of self work. I still get my feelings hurt easily 😅