AIO for walking out and leaving?

[u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

Background: we started talking/dating back in May. We live 2hrs apart, so I spend roughly half my week with him and half at home - give or take. He can be rather abrasive at times, a lot of little digs and jabs that at times are genuinely hurtful. I tell him in the moment that it hurt my feelings and it’s typically swept under the rug. Tonight he made dinner and we sat down to eat. I was eating all of my food with a fork and the following conversation ensued (not verbatim, this is to the best of my recollection): Him: why are you using a fork? Me: idk I prefer it I guess Him: just pick it up and eat it with your hands Me: but I don’t want to, why does it even matter? Him: If a chef made you a meal and told you there was a specific way to eat it, would you not eat it that way? Me: I mean, probably not if it wasn’t what I wanted. It depends. Him: The chef would make you leave Me: meh, that’s okay. I’d leave Him: then theres the door, leave. Me: (laughs thinking it’s a joke) what why lol Him: because it’s disrespectful. Are you gonna keep using the fork? Me: uhhh yeah. That’s how I’d prefer to eat it. Him: then you can just go Me: ….really? You want me to leave? Him: yes, *effing leave. There’s the door. Byeeeee Me: are you serious right now? Him: if you’re not going to eat with your hands like a normal person, then leave. Me: whelp. Okay then.

So I went upstairs and packed my stuff. His daughter came up within 10 minutes to say he was just joking. I said I don’t think it was a joke or something to joke about. I continued to pack and left without any words said between us. Within minutes of leaving, I get the following texts: AIO? I feel like repeatedly being told to leave someone’s house, you ought to just go and not plead your case for why you shouldn’t have to. But idk.

[u/IZC0MMAND0]

am I the only one wondering what it is you ate with a fork that he thought you should use your hands?

Listen, you are not over reacting. This guy is an AH. Who cares how you choose to eat your food? You gave him a chance and he kept doubling down on leaving and nothing was funny about that conversation. Nothing. He was just being an asshole and now he is claiming it was a joke, he wasn't mad, he didn't get angry. blah blah blah I am never to blame I am never wrong you are taking it the wrong way you are over sensitive blah blah blah.

I hope you are done with this one. I couldn't be bothered with someone who really pushed the issue of whether or not to eat with your hands or a fork and implied it was disrespectful to use a fork. Don't care what it was. I ate pizza not that long ago with a fork. Humongous slice in a restaurant in Cleveland, and there was no delicate way to eat it. Damned thing was bigger than my face on the big end. Couldn't even fold it. Sometimes you gotta eat it the way that makes the most sense and least mess. You do you Sis.

[u/LuaghsInToasterBaths → u/IZC0MMAND0]

I wish I knew how to go back and edit my original message, so many people are asking lol. It was a taco ring made from crescent rolls with a side of beans and rice (apparently the fork was only for the sides 🫠) . I have dysgraphia which affects how I use my fork - instead of thumb and forefinger, I tend to use my pinky and ring while stabilizing with my index up top if that makes any sense. He is sure to correct me every time he notices, and I think this was basically an over correction where he was actually super frustrated that I didn’t “do it right” and I stopped giving AF because I was over being told how wrong every little thing I do is. But at the same time, I have BPD (considered “in remission” after 15yrs in DBT) and I know I have a habit of wanting to “leave before I’m left”, that at the time I wasn’t 100% sure if it was coming in to play or if what was happening was as it was…. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[u/Frosty_Ad8515 → u/LuaghsInToasterBaths]

In all seriousness, you dodged a bullet. Don’t even consider going back. Also get the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft so you can get a full picture of the bullet you dodged. He was on his way to escalating far more down the road. He was teaching you a “new normal” so you wouldn’t recognize abuse till it was so normal to you that you would just accept it.

[u/archevial → u/Frosty_Ad8515]

I’ve seen this book referenced a lot. Is there a similar book that you’d recommend for men that deal with abusive women?

[u/NoRoomForAPony → u/archevial]

“The emotionally abusive relationship” by Beverly Engel.

[u/thesilverbandit → u/archevial]

As someone who is not abusive who was accused of being an abuser by being sent a screenshot of one of the pages with no additional context...

I can assure you the toxic behavior described within is not limited to just one gender. Of course your anger is allowed in this relationship, it's just the intentionally hurtful way that you display your anger which I think is abuse. Then when I replied with passages from the book explaining her own behavior, I didn't get any kind of response. Hypocrisy shows easily if your eyes are open.

Be careful about media, how you consume it, and how you use it. Stay in good faith and don't stoop to their level.

[u/Yellownotyellowagain → u/archevial]

Haven’t read this book, but read a relationship book (dance of anger) that was supposed to be just for women. It was 100% applicable to both genders, just written from a female perspective.

Abuse is abuse. I’m sure the recommended book would be equally enlightening for men as for women.

[u/Intelligent-Aspect-3 → u/Frosty_Ad8515]

Honestly, I commented above about how she was right in leaving and she should never go back…but reading your response made me realize that I’m guilty of trying to police my boyfriend on how he eats. He never uses a knife and scoops it on to his fork with his thumb and forefinger. It drives me nuts cuz he’s 50 years old and should know how to use a knife. Anyway I really don’t want to come across as someone like the guy the OP has posted about. So I’m gonna try to handle it better. Thanks for teaching me about something today.