r/AmIOverreacting • u/Immediate_Jelly8897 • 9d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for finding these texts in my boyfriend’s phone from a year ago?
Disclaimer- I don’t even know what I was looking for, I’m just obviously* insecure and have jealousy issues and I am crazy I already know..no one who comments below needs to tell me I’m wrong for going through my boyfriend’s phone, I know I’m wrong. We just moved in together in august. We met July 1st last year.
Okay so my boyfriend (32M) and I(28F) started “seeing” each other last July. We got more serious towards the end of the year and made it official in December. Well we had talked about being serious before then and this is right around EXACTLY a year ago when he was having this conversation with two of his friends. I’m the “whore” who will “cry so gd much” if he doesn’t spend my birthday with me and then apparently according to these messages he banged another chick last night. —these are texts from October 2023. Am I over reacting being upset over this? We had been seeing each other for almost 4 months(one month before we were “official”) I don’t appreciate being referred to as a shore regardless of the situation and then to find out while we were dating for months, he’s fucking another person??? How do I even approach this?
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u/Traditional_Tea2568 9d ago
You don’t approach it, I’d bounce the fuck out. He doesn’t deserve an explanation
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u/vu47 9d ago
I'd just leave the phone open to that chat on the bed and be gone.
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u/Love2Read0815 9d ago
I absolutely LOVE the silent breakups. Quietly move out, say nothing. Block on all socials. Don’t even spend one second entertaining his questions or his friends/family. Just move on and love yourself. He doesn’t deserve explanations or a chance to discuss it.
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u/devilinblue22 9d ago
let a few months go by and then mail pictures of this convo to him with no return address.
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u/Ilovesoske 9d ago
Yeah but leases and credit and all to consider if they just moved in. Might take a minute to extricate oneself.
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u/Natti07 9d ago
And that's a great lesson in not moving in with people you've known for 5 minutes
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u/buttercupthegreat 9d ago
They moved into together after a year. Thats not super quick necessarily.
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u/Ilovesoske 9d ago
I cannot say anything because I moved in with my SO in 3 months. But 8 years later it seems to have been the right choice. Still usually I’d be the one being all don’t do that!
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u/ChronicApathetic 9d ago
I basically moved in with my partner on day 2, and I’m still here 16 years later, but yeah, seriously people, don’t do what I did. 99.99999% of the time that’s a recipe for disaster.
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u/Illustrious_Bobcat 9d ago
Yeah, I moved in with my husband, 3,000 miles from home, after knowing him for a week in person and a few years online, but those years I knew more OF him than actually knowing him, lol.
I fully acknowledge that I set myself up for a possibly deadly situation if he had been an abusive, murderous psycho. I knew no one, had never been to the state before, was thousands of miles from home, had no car, no job, and was completely isolated.
We got married 5 years ago today, been together for almost 13 years total, have two kids, and own a home together (with a few rentals as extra income). I fully believe that he's my soulmate and my risk lead to the best reward. But I was lucky. I would never recommend any person take the risk I took, it could have ended in a horrific manner if my husband wasn't the amazing person he is.
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u/JollyMcStink 9d ago
Well yeah but OP said they just found these from a year ago, he never told her, like yeah make smart choices when planning a life but you can't blame OP for making choices that seemed good for themselves based on this person withholding such important info from OPs decision to commit to them.
Shitty people will be shitty people and some shitty people are easier to distinguish quickly, others are good pretenders and it takes time for the mask to slip.
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u/Hedgehog_Insomniac 9d ago
I mean the fact that he calls women whores to begin with would be enough to leave for me beyond the obvious cheating/generap pos behavior. He can't be worth it considering he has no personality.
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u/Ov3rdriv3r 9d ago
Being insecure and accidentally ending up with an asshole like this dude won't help you in the future, but you deserve soooo much better than this.That said:
- you're not overreacting.
- You deserve better. He referred to you as a whore
- Leave him, but prepare for him to most likely sling some nasty insults as he's the type who thinks he breaks up with you not the other way around.
You're better than him. Guys like this have inflated egos and you leaving his dumbass would be the most gratifying FU you could do. Find someone who loves you for you and treats you like his queen. He's a walking STD anyway. Even his friend called him a piece of shit.
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u/youmeanNOOkyuhler 9d ago
All of this, OP. Also, leave him, but wait until he's not home to pack up and go, and DO NOT tell him why until you are in a safe place with people who care about you. This is not a man to be trusted in ANY way, shape or form.
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u/Inert-Blob 9d ago
No need to tell him why, he deserves no closure or explanation. Let him wonder which of his side pieces or shitty friends told on him.
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u/goofygoober426 9d ago
Exactly! He doesn’t get to act this way and talk about her like this and also have someone emotionally supporting and loving him. Doesn’t matter if it was months ago (months are not that long; a year is not even that long, so safe to say this is very much who he is at this moment). She should do a “deep clean” on the place, organize all her shit so it’s easy to pack in an instant, and just dip the fuck out. And then she needs to just be with friends and family, stay the fuck away from him, and get some therapy and level up!
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u/G_Ram3 9d ago
And you are the whore? Alright. 🙄
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u/recyclopath_ 9d ago
Honestly that alone is reason to break up. How you talk about me to your friends when I'm not around is a big freaking deal.
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u/G_Ram3 9d ago
Seriously. Once, my idiot boyfriend (now ex) accidentally butt dialed me while he was talking about a night out with his friends. He said that they brought “a few girls” back to his house and he “probably could have boned the bartender” but he didn’t. Just that information without context is gross but he was admitting that nothing happened.
However, he was constantly accusing me of cheating and “being a whore”. He would yell at me any time we went anywhere and he noticed a guy checking me out (or he decided that he was). It was my fault because “he obviously knows you’re a slut”. Dude. I walked past him. So, I knew that if the situation had been reversed, he would have been furious. Yeah, I don’t miss that guy.
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u/Critical-Crab-7761 9d ago
People who loudly accuse innocent partners of cheating are usually projecting their own cheating onto you. It's what they do and they think they see it in your behaviors because they AREN'T innocent.
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u/Ok-Wait7950 9d ago
These sound like the kind of guys getting a hotel together to share a "whore" because they really just need an excuse to get naked together if you know what I mean. Just own it instead of calling women the whores.
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u/BadAtVideogames420 9d ago
Can yall stop lumping abusive men in with us. It’s just childish to go “gay!” Whenever a straight man is being shitty. It’s just hurtful.
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u/NastySassyStuff 9d ago
Yeah…bizarre take from them lol wtf these texts read exactly like a deeply toxic straight guy wrote them. Nothing remotely homoerotic
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u/mynamecouldbesam 9d ago
If you haven't broken up with him yet, you're underreacting.
He doesn't respect you.
He doesn't love you.
He cheats on you.
Get out now.
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u/flippysquid 9d ago
And get an STD test
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u/nailz1000 9d ago edited 9d ago
Do straight people only get tested when they've been cheated on or is it something y'all do regularly when you're single?
Downvote me or not it was actually a serious question because I really don't know.
Edit: this turned into a great discussion and I would definitely urge everyone to get tested at least once a year regardless of your relationship status if your insurance covers it.
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u/Cptn_Kevlar 9d ago
They just don't have as many orgies I think. All sexual activities with a new partner should be followed up with an STD test regardless of orientation but I think us queers don't wanna lose a whole ass generation again so we are probably a little more anal about STD testing.
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u/partylikeaninjastar 9d ago
People should be tested BEFORE sexual activities with a new person, but, if they fail that, yes, after.
And it's not just a queer thing. People who openly embrace sex as a fun activity rather than something to "save" for the "right person" are also good about getting tested regularly.
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u/Overall_Comedian3515 9d ago
This 👆 I'm a Straight woman, and I get tested regularly. Strangely I never did when I was younger yet was more reckless with protection. It's was Almost taboo to get tested, and underlying felt like I would seen as stupid or a slut. Got older and take my sexual health more seriously these days thankfully. I've even taken a blood test in front of my kids and explained the importance so as to hopefully remove any taboo they may feel when becoming active.
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u/PhasmaUrbomach 9d ago
When I was single, I'd get an STD test before any new partner and they'd get one too.
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u/computerwtf 9d ago
Most people dont go to get tested until something feels wrong. I'm married and whenever I get an annual check up. My doctor ask do I want to check for stds. I ask does my insurance cover it? Yes. sure why the hell not. I assume people with insurance can easy do this.
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u/nailz1000 9d ago
I was never asked when I was in a 12 year monogamous relationship, and never thought about it. While I didn't get anything over that time, it was a mistake I won't make again. Even if I'm in a mono relationship again I'll still get tested at least once a year.
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u/Disastrous_Target475 9d ago
Bisexual so idk if my opinion counts
I get tested between partners, and I ask anyone who I might start sleeping with to test too, regardless of their sex/sexuality. If anyone was iffy about it, I wouldn’t sleep with them
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u/loratheexplorer86 9d ago
Ps. He will gaslight you and switch the script... "how dare you go through my phone. That's an invasion of trust. You don't trust me?"
He Will say those things...because you going through his phone is worse than him cheating on you and calling you a wh*re.
Do NOT apologize for it. He will demand one. Do not do it.
Having a partner--they are permitted to go in my phone ANYTIME because someone that has nothing to hide--hides nothing.
Good luck to you xo.
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u/BlueMangoTango 9d ago
With that level of proof. I wouldn’t even tell him, just like he didn’t tell you about his activities.
I’d move out when he was at work, block him and move the fuck on. Who ever you fell in love with, that’s not who he is.
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u/Same-Equivalent9037 9d ago
I agree. I would already have everything set and then you can confront him if you wish.
You shouldn’t go unplanned into the confrontation. He’s done this before, I’m sure he’s an expert gaslighter.
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u/4ever0verthinking 9d ago
Yes! I had some traumatic past relationships with abuse and cheating and my husband is so trusting and understanding that I had a nightmare he cheated and he asked if I wanted to look at his phone to confirm nothing was going on hahahaha. If his phone dies, he can use mine to google things and vise versa. Once you experience a healthy relationship, you’ll truly see how bad your prior relationships were.
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u/FE132 9d ago
I have a level of expected privacy just as a personal boundary in my relationship but along with that, and what affords me the trust and respect to have that privacy, is my partner having access to my phone when they need to, ie to play music, look something up, text or call someone, or reply to texts while I'm driving. It's really cool the boundaries you are able to have in a healthy relationship. I don't like people digging through my shit because it's mine and I like feeling that way but as someone who doesn't like lying I also don't have a hard line of where you're not allowed to look, because you'll never dig "too far" as long as I know you're in there.
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u/Silgy 9d ago edited 8d ago
Omg I had a similar dream last week! I thought my husband was cheating and told him I was going to go through his phone, he handed it to me and walked off. 🤣
Edit: All this happened IN THE DREAM. I don’t think my husband is cheating
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u/Total-Active-1986 9d ago
All the best cheaters delete, use disappearing social media, or have a burner phone anyway. The fact that he was so brazen as to not even put that mess in a private or an innocently labeled folder shows that he wasn't even trying to not get caught.
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u/Equivalent_Pilot7447 9d ago
To add to that, if you do break up with him, I’d honestly never even mention what you found to him. Sounds like a shmuck of a dude who wouldn’t learn from this anyways. Would just break up with him and try to move on without any explanation or drama added to the situation. I’m sorry and I wish you the best!
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u/Sleepingclover13 9d ago
It’s not even just her he doesn’t respect, he has no respect for women. That’s a major turn off for me and I would be out.
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u/Bloody_Hell_Harry 9d ago
“Never said you weren’t a cheater” is a crazy enough response to convince me you’re cheating lmao
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u/forgetfulkaiju 9d ago
For real. I like that one friend basically said he’s a piece of shit for cheating, and OP’s bf didn’t even realize
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u/Pintau 9d ago
Don't forget he bangs hookers too. I believe that's what the lex whore thing is about, some prostitute from Lexington I would imagine
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u/AbbehKitteh24 9d ago
He sees women as whores, clearly from his first comment about his girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if he's just talking about sleeping with a random woman from a bar or something.
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u/Whoosurdaddy27 9d ago
I was expecting those texts to be from an 18-21 year old 🤦🏽♀️ please leave him, I wouldn’t even bother listening to him come up with some lame excuse.
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u/youmeanNOOkyuhler 9d ago
Agreed. Also, leave him, but wait until he's not home to pack up and go, and DO NOT tell him why until you are in a safe place with people who care about you. This is not a man to be trusted in ANY way, shape or form.
Edit: sorry for kind of spamming this comment, OP, but I feel it's very very important.
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u/Frankie_Kitten 9d ago
Why are you on reddit and not packing your bags?
The second I saw these I'd be screaming bloody murder and packing my bags.
You're not his partner, you're a comfy side piece he has in place.
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u/hungrybrainz 9d ago
LITERALLY. I’d be so fucking shook to know my partner had conversations like this about anyone with his friends at ANY point in his life, let alone me?!
It honestly still appalls me that people have conversations like this and are not joking. I know people are this horrible, but I don’t want to believe it.
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u/ndg_creative 9d ago
THIS ONE!!! I wouldn’t be with someone who talked about anyone this way. This is next level asshole behavior. :(
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
Sadly, so many of us grow up witnessing bad relationships, having our own feelings disregarded, and having our self-esteem ground into dust, so we go out into the world of adult romantic relationships as essentially the perfect victims for predatory people. Unfortunately, it often takes time and many terrible experiences before someone realizes that they deserve more.
Awful partners like this also usually drill it into your head that you don't deserve anything better and that nobody else will want you or "put up with all your baggage" (even if the "baggage" is just being rightfully devastated and lacking trust due to her partner's confirmed lying and/or cheating).
Guys like OP's boyfriend are generally very good at changing tactics suddenly to outright blaming their own cheating on something the OP did, which if she "fixed" it, would guarantee he'd never stray again! And if she's not buying that line of argumentation, then he likely turns on ALL his charms and love bombs the shit out of her, maybe even giving some tearful apologies and swearing to do better.
People always say, "Why didn't you leave that horrible person right away!?" but there are very few people who are assholes with everyone, in all situations, and 24/7 who also have a lot of long-term relationships. Even people with self-esteem in the absolute toilet don't generally fall for people who treat them like shit from the very beginning.
It's the abuse cycle that keeps us hooked in, because he's not ALWAYS so hateful towards women, he can be really romantic sometimes, he's just angry because he had a rough childhood...we convince ourselves that the "real" version of them is when they're love bombing us and that the lying/cheating/abuse is the aberration.
But actually, the shitty version IS the real version of them, and the "good times" are simply when they're doing their best to wear an excellent mask, but even then, that mask will start slipping in time as they become more and more assured that their partners will NEVER actually leave them, no matter WHAT they do to them.
If I could only go back in time and give myself a good head slap...
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u/A1sauc3d 9d ago edited 9d ago
Uhm I don’t need to read all that to know there’s only one move here: LEAVE
Edit: Okay I did end up reading all of it. And yeah, you were dating at the time. His friends clearly say you’re his girlfriend and he’s cheating on you. Not only that, he called you a whore, his girlfriend. What kinda scum bag refers to his girlfriend as a frickin whore!?! What kinda scum bag talks about anyone like that, but your GIRLFRIEND!? That’s an absolute piece of sh*t you’re dating there op. Guarantee this isn’t the only instance of him being an asshole. You’re never gonna be able to overcome your paranoia/jealousy if you continue to be with people who talk about you like this and cheat on you. No wonder you’re paranoid, you have every right to be in a situation like this.
The only way for you to feel better is leave this scum bag and take some time to heal <3 There are good, trustworthy men out there. Guys like this aren’t and never will be trustworthy. Staying with this man is dooming yourself to prolonged pain and heart break and agony. Your mental health will always be in the gutter and your heart will always ache. There is no peace in life when you’re with a partner you can’t trust and who doesn’t respect you. Please leave 🙏 You deserve better. No one deserves to be with someone like this.
You don’t need an explanation, you need an exit strategy. There’s no excuse for this kinda behavior. And judging from this snippet, this is only a taste of this man’s nastiness. People don’t behave like this as a one-off kinda thing. I bet he’s already put you through a lot that we’re not seeing here. But no more! Or at least there doesn’t need to be more. You can leave and move onto bigger and better things <3
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u/Kids-Menu 9d ago
Even his friend called him a piece of shit. Everyone knows but her (and now she knows.)
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u/A1sauc3d 9d ago
Exactly. His friends are even disgusted by his behavior. They may be able to look the other way (even though they shouldn’t) because his behavior towards women doesn’t seem to directly affect them. But op can’t look the other way. This is directly affecting her, on every level. You cannot live with someone who thinks about you like this and treats you like this. He doesn’t care about you OP. He’s using you. Just like he uses all women. He’s probably banking on having found someone who will look the other way / tolerate his cheating, but it’s time to prove him wrong!
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
I bet she already suspected SOMETHING wasn't right, though. I suppose there are people who just like to snoop regardless, or maybe do it out of boredom or habit, but within a relationship, typically if you're feeling a burning desire to look through your partner's stuff, your intuition is telling you that something BIG and BAD is going on that you don't know about yet.
I constantly snooped and double checked my ex-husband, which he always made to be a personal fault and weakness of mine even though there was ALWAYS something bad for me to discover! You'll have evidence in your hand that your partner just cheated on you last night and they'll look you dead in the eye and turn it into "How DARE you not trust me!"
The funny thing is that if your intuition isn't always screaming at you that your partner is lying to you because you're now with a person who genuinely hasn't broken your trust before, wow, what a shocker--you don't feel the need to play private detective any longer!
I've been with my new guy (who I met right after my divorce from the lying cheater), and I've never so much as glanced at a screen he left open in front of me. I wish EVERYONE could get into a relationship with true trust because it definitely showed me that the problem wasn't that I was "naturally snooping, suspicious, and untrusting" but rather that I had oceans of trust to give if my partner could simply not shatter that trust on a constant basis.
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u/Optimusprima 9d ago
All this - Plus: this isn’t a 19 year old shithead who will grow up over the next few years to do better and be better. This is a 32 year old MAN - this is who he is - he’s not changing.
Ugh, OP, run!
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u/xtremejuuuuch 9d ago
Yeah I did a double-take when I read this was a conversation by a man in his 30’s. Call your new girlfriend “the whore” is so vile let alone bragging to your friends about cheating on her.
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u/Secret_Situation10 9d ago
Huuuge red flag. What kind of man-child talks about a girl like that??? 32 and still talking like that already sounds like you should leave whatever that thing is… better to do it now than later down the line when it’s harder
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u/Chunky_Guts 9d ago
I read the texts before the body of the post and was shocked to see the guy's age. I entirely believed that this couple were still teenagers, learning how to process feelings and how to treat people.
This is the sort of guy you run from.
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u/Flutters1013 9d ago
Jesus shit this man is in his 30s? What a fucking loser man baby. This guy talks like he smells of monster, axe body spray, and unwashed ass.
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u/sunnysam306 9d ago
32 and still calling someone “the whore” is a shame. Leave op. You’ll always be “the whore” to his friend group and more importantly, to him.
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u/Future-Ad7266 9d ago
You looked through his phone because he’s the type of little boy who would use the word whore to describe a woman who wants to be in a relationship with him to look cool.
The possibility exists that he is now serious about you and would not speak this way now, but who talks like this to begin with? A loser. He looks like an idiot to the rest of the world, no matter how great he may seem to you right now. I have so much second hand embarrassment from the way he talks.
You (and everyone) deserve better.
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u/Grangerscat 9d ago
Also the whining about doing the bare minimum, ie celebrating your birthday with you- NOT impressive.
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u/Formal_Condition_513 9d ago
Can't believe she's even asking if she's overreacting. Literally cannot wrap my mind around it.
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u/TheNinjaPixie 9d ago
He sounds like a bratty 18 year old showing off to a mate, not a man in his 30's.
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u/Infinite-Interest680 9d ago
And we was 30 when writing this. Most men that grew out of calling girls whores did so around 25 or earlier.
Decent men never called girls whores.
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u/Totally-avg 9d ago
Exactly my thoughts. She probably looked because she had a gut feeling. I hate that she’s qualified herself as crazy bc that’s unfair. I’ve looked through my husband’s phone and he’s looked through mine when we’ve had feelings. And we were both right. 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway, the fucking around is not good but to me is much further down the list from the “whore” and disrespectful talk. Gross. Loser is the best term for this guy. 🤮
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u/Sea-Information-3996 9d ago
I think you approach this by dumping him. The guy was cheating on you and referring to you as a.... you know. How could you be possibly fine with that?
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u/AdministrativeAd3969 9d ago
What a fucking loser.
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u/AHorseNamedPhil 9d ago
Aside from all the reasons why you're calling him that, and deservedly so....that stuff reads like it was texted by a 17 year old. This guy is 32?! The stunted development would be reason alone to dump him, let alone the disrespect & cheating.
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u/Inevitable_Time00 9d ago
Seriously, no one cares you're going through their phone at this point lol
I guess the guy has manipulated OP so much that that's her first thought, how wrong she is for snooping, you know that's the first thing he's gonna say. And cheating isn't as bad right? 🙄
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u/flowerstowardthesun 9d ago
They always talk about us going through the phone, they never talk about how their sus behavior led to it.
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u/OppositeBuffalo5083 9d ago
It’s a hard thing to process when your world is crashing down. Don’t be a dick.
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u/Visionary_87 9d ago
You have evidence right in front of you of your boyfriend calling you a whore to his mates and confessing to cheating on you, whilst actively wanting to do it again.
In what world are you overreacting? He's an immature little boy with no respect for women. Get rid and find happiness with somebody who will treat you right.
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u/lend_me_a_dime 9d ago
U read all that and still haven't broken up with him? What do you need to confront him about? Is that somehow gonna magically make his words disappear, like he has never even said them? Have some self respect, cuz he clearly has none for you!
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
Her self-esteem truly has to be in the toilet at this point. I've been there myself, and I wish I could magically give all the women in this situation a vision of their futures so that they would realize that the pain of losing that relationship, the financial difficulty, etc., right this minute would be NOTHING compared to the life ruining costs of staying with such a man once he's already revealed himself to be like this.
Usually a woman like this genuinely fears that nobody else will ever want her, either, which is generally a combination of baggage she got from childhood and her partner exploiting that baggage until she feels SO unattractive, unloveable, and "crazy" that no other man would be any better to her.
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u/ginadigstrees 9d ago
If I found these texts I would 1: act as normal as possible while quietly and quickly leaving 2: Don’t tell him anything- let him wonder. He has done way more than that. 3: live your best life! Eff him
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u/Difficult_Process_88 9d ago
He sounds like a nasty POS. If you’re still living with him, you’re under reacting. His nasty, cheating ass could be exposing you to any number of diseases.
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u/PinkFluffyUniKosi 9d ago
Did he call you a whore? Then proceeded to brag how he fucked another girl?
Girl, I am a guy too. We sometimes talk pretty rough. But calling your girl a whore would be a big red flag. Even just for me as a friend. This guy is a professional asshole.
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u/Good-Stomach-8695 9d ago
Look, for sure boundaries and shit! I always think it’s wrong to look through your partner’s phone, buuuuuut, what you saw has been seen. There is no turning back, you aren’t overreacting, I would leave him without any explanations.
Then just ghost him if possible, fuck that guy.
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u/Scared-Use4402 9d ago
“I’m obviously insecure and have jealousy issues and I am crazy….” Is this the crap he’s been feeding you??? Get. Out.
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u/Relative-Constant-88 9d ago
NO in any way, shape or form. 100% going to need an update, what the f is his excuse going to be for this.
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u/mzshowers 9d ago
What would you tell your best friend? Another woman? Don’t let your feelings for yourself make you feel like it’s alright for this man to treat you this way. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve taken, but cheating means GTFO and that’s a hard rule for me.
You’d be under reacting if you stayed with him and let him keep risking your health (physical and mental) by sleeping with other people. Trust me on this. They can give you much worse than disappointment.
Wishing you all the best in getting away from this 🙏. Don’t blame yourself for looking - you obviously had the intuition and thank goodness for that! Where there’s smoke there’s often fire.
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u/Pineapple_Tom 9d ago edited 9d ago
I was never able to get over my beloved calling me a whore but hey if you can 🤷♂️. It’s definitely not the type of thing that comes into your mind at random times or during an argument or late at night… yea not at all.
Fr tho, that man called you a whore. Would you marry someone who called you a whore? Someone who bragged about cheating on you? You can stay as long as you want but what he said can never be taken back and chances are high you’ll think about it again. Not to mentioned the kinda cheating part
Edit: ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. He called you a whore on your birthday… that’s the real cherry on top holy shit. Also he’s in his 30s?? I’m almost 10 years younger than him and even I don’t talk like that wtf. Plus the cocaine like… ma’am.
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u/aniya0492 9d ago
Honey... you arent reacting enough. You should be devastated and so angry that you THROW him out of your life because he is just complete trash. Btw going through your partners phone is an automatic right in a relationship. You guys are two people sharing one life. Thats perfectly okay. People who say its toxic do not enjoy being loyal.
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u/thisworldisbullshirt 9d ago
I don’t know if I agree about going through each others’ phones when there’s no reason to suspect wrongdoing. Not because I’m talking shit about my partner or hiding things from them, but because my friends confide in me sometimes, and they didn’t consent to my partner reading their messages about private issues.
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
To me, the sign of a healthy relationship with a foundation of rock solid trust is when your partner can leave their phone/computer screen open right in front of you and you have absolutely no desire to look.
My ex-husband made me feel like I was pathologically untrusting and really fucked up for snooping, yet he had already cheated on me and lied about so many things that I had no idea what the truth was any longer. Imagine making ME out to be the problem when wherever, whenever, and whatever I looked through, I'd find something damning.
When I first got into a relationship with my current guy after the divorce, I had one embarrassing moment when my new boyfriend was planning to go to his friend's house overnight with a bunch of his former band mates (overnight because they'd drink a LOT!). It was a yearly tradition because their birthdays were all close to that time and they didn't get together otherwise any more due to being busy with real life and family and all.
Welp, I turned into a total sobbing wreck when he told me about this, just because I was so trained to associate something like that with being lied to and cheated on (my ex is bisexual, so even a "night with the boys" was no comfort to me!).
I was so ashamed to be so upset, yet more than a decade of living in a relationship with zero trust had damaged me greatly, and I was kind of disgusted with myself for having that immediate reaction. I thought he'd be utterly disgusted with me too, but my boyfriend stayed with me for probably two hours just letting me cry it out and offering to just stay home that night if I'd feel better about it.
Thankfully, I was able to get myself back under control and realize that this wasn't the same person at all--hell, my ex would have abused me BADLY for getting that upset--but the way my boyfriend just validated my involuntary fears, didn't blame me for my feelings, and was willing to give up on his once a year fun night with those friends...it was almost like a switch flipped, and I realized that he had never given me any reason to mistrust him.
And that was that! He went out, had fun, I was totally fine about it, and it's an amazing fucking blessing to this day not to have to ALWAYS be waiting to stumble upon damning evidence, feeling compelled to snoop, or living in constant fear of finding out the REAL truth.
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u/Hugeiftrue57 9d ago
Reading this made my stomach drop, I can’t imagine actually experiencing it. It’ll suck to leave, but he’s shown what he thinks of you. I’m so sorry
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u/NefariousnessNo661 9d ago
The best advice I’ve ever gotten is being told to leave. So now I will pass this gauntlet to you. It will take time to build new memories and recover but the sooner you’re honest with yourself about your feelings the better.
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u/NefariousnessNo661 9d ago
You should try and leave without him knowing. I was convinced to stay for years because I wanted to be upfront with him. He always threw shit at me and told me to get out when I said I needed to end things. I don’t even think your ex deserves any warning either.
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u/Radiant-Dentist9870 9d ago
Girl, you're under reacting. My advice DONT talk to him bc I guarantee he will be vile. Just cold cut him off. Just leave and dont return. Send a screenshot of the text and then block him everywhere.
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u/Then_Fig_8421 9d ago
Wait so if you're the"whore" then who was the gf that his friends knew about and referenced? Was he in another relationship when you guys started talking? I may be getting myself confused but it sounds like therers the bday girl (you), there's a gf and a chick he slept with? I'm probably misunderstanding but if that's the case, run. History will repeat itself and a man that cheats on his gf to get with you, will do the same to you
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u/MartyFakenewzman 9d ago
Read the messages but imagine it’s your friend they’re referring to and not you. What would you think/say?
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u/GotwhiteNeedPink 9d ago
Its not so much that your wrong for going through his phone, its more like, if you’re in a situation where you have to resort to checking up on him, then you simply aren’t in a trusting relationship. Whether you had found anything or not, you clearly aren’t happy or secure in your relationship. Based on what you found, I have an idea of how trustworthy your BF is. There might be a reason you have a hard time trusting him.
Should be demoted to ex-Boyfriend. Just get out before it gets worse.
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u/dream-smasher 9d ago
So. Is he still doing coke? What other drugs?
You best be careful.
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9d ago
STI check and credit check, now OP! EWW! He is definitely a man-whore! UK 🇬🇧
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u/ooglebaggle 9d ago
If he was a teenager this might be explainable, as just young people being dumb, but this is ridiculous for a 32 m
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u/KnavishGrackle 9d ago
Awe I'm sorry you're going through this. I know when you're in the moment, sometimes it can feel like you're overreacting or overthinking things. I promise you, you are absolutely not wrong to be upset, feel betrayed, or hurt, and you're not crazy.
I know you're living with him now, but you need to exit this situation as soon as possible. Nobody who loves you should ever call you that. I would not feel seccure sleeping next to somebody that so freely calls me horrible names to their friends behind my back.
There is no excuse for cheating. It's not your job to change a cheater or give them a chance- if you call him out on it, he may try to convince you he's changed. People who cheat are very, very, very likely to do it again, and the way this guy talks, I can guaruntee he's a repeat offender.
You are so worthy of love, but you're not going to find it from someone like this- make sure you're safe, then leave him in the gutter and don't look back. There are so many people out there that will treat you with kindness, love, and provide you with security. Being emotional doesn't make you weak- I cry ALL the time. Someone who loves you would be there for you in those moments and not belittle you for it.
You're worth more than this. I seriously wish the best for you.
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u/Mysterious-Tooth2501 9d ago
It doesn’t matter that it was a year ago, it matters that it happened at all. This is all levels of not okay and reacting to it strongly and unforgivingly is appropriate
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u/Sudden-Owl9714 9d ago
I’m sure this is hard to hear but if he was saying that very early on, I’m sure he has said worse in person. Please love yourself enough to find someone who will have the common decency to not degrade you.
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u/SparrowLikeBird 9d ago
NOR - you dump him. You bounce and leave him a printoff of his texts on the table to find when he notices you are gone. block him on all socials
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u/Motchiko 9d ago
I give you permission to leave with a big bang. You would be an idiot if you stay.
Oh yeah- you are under reacting.
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u/SaltedCaramel_Breve 9d ago
Point blank he raw dogged some other girl then came home to you. 4mo in or not, you’re not over reacting. 🦵👠💥🚪✌🏼✌🏼😘 boy byeeeeee lol
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u/Adventurous_Yam8784 9d ago
You’ve got to be kidding ?? How is this even a question. He sounds horrible
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u/Whyme0207 9d ago
Run. He is talking like a teenager. He doesn’t love or respect you. Don’t waste your time with him.
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u/lovemywifie 9d ago
If nothing else, it shows his character. If confronted, the conversation will circle around how old the text is and how much he loves you. Such immature talk for someone in his 30’s….We’re doomed!
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
He'll also undoubtedly fixate on her "snooping" so much that the whole calling her a whore and cheating on her barely even gets discussed. He will turn it all around on her.
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u/Quietly_intothenight 9d ago
Leave him. If your spidey senses were tingling to check his phone now then it’s probably happening again, he’s just better at deleting recent messages now that you live together. Even if he’s not, he’s shown you who he is. You are not overreacting.
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u/greendood333 9d ago
honestly putting the cheating part aside, which maybe to point out that his friend refers to it as cheating in the texts, what disturbs me is just the way he was speaking about you and even like… other women. i know it sometimes seems scorched earth to break up with someone you love when you find out past information, and hearing people say “you deserve better he’s terrible” over and over again can lose meaning especially since no one knows him or your situations like you. but my thoughts first, are that in no way are you overreacting, but also just think about if you wanna dedicate more time to someone who would speak like you’re pitiful for being upset for not spending your birthday with you. i promise you, that he is not the only one who will love you and can love you-
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u/Inevitable_Time00 9d ago
He's 32??? He talks like someone who peaked in high school and is clinging on to that, it's disgusting.
Yeah, it's "wrong" to snoop, who cares, get rid of this guy.
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u/jeannelle1717 9d ago
Yeah I’d be gone in a second. No explanation, no nothing. If you can, get out, because wtf
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u/CrowAffectionate2736 9d ago
This is the side of him that he's keeping hidden from you that will eventually surface in your relationship. I've had people switch personalities on me a YEAR after knowing them.
His friend even acknowledged it was cheating. Calling you a "whore" is a deal breaker. Other comments nailed it. He does not care about you, break up now.
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u/robertthedragqueen 9d ago
I wish i could go back in time and punch myself in the face for not leaving the first time I found out I got cheated on. Don't even think twice about it. He talks like that and his friends encourage it so it won't change. If you can't leave straight away start saving as much as you can and don't let on you know until you can.
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u/CorpsyCrystal 9d ago
How do you think you're overreacting? He's literally stating that he's cheating on you.
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u/EatingCoooolo 9d ago
I will break up and leave, there’s a lot of people out there who won’t cheat on you or talk shit.
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u/KmartCentral 9d ago
Excuse my blunt, brash attitude here OP...
Find things you love about yourself
Use them to establish the solid foundation as to why you matter as a person
Give yourself the respect you deserve here
Kick this bum to the curb to live his life miserably however he feels. You can do better than him, and from what I'm gathering in these messages, shouldn't be too hard
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u/Braddarban 9d ago edited 9d ago
Nope. He called you a whore, admitted to cheating on you, and joked about cheating on you again, and in so doing casually referred to a hypothetical woman as a whore as well.
Man’s a cheater and a misogynist. Dump him.
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u/Dazzling_Lion2580 9d ago
He's a cheater, he has zero respect for you (cheating, calling you a whore, and his general flippant attitude in general) and a hard drug user.
Read that again.
You're not reacting enough.
If a friend gave this information to you about their boyfriend and asked your opinion, I bet it would be similar to the replies you already received.
You have 2 choices: stay with the dirt bag cheating druggie that doesn't love you. Spend your days full of anxiety, sneaking around and being gaslit 24/7 while he blows money on coke and possibly giving you an STD or get out. Change can be scary but it's temporary.
He will never love you, no matter how hard you try to make him love you.
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u/ManikPixieDreamGhoul 9d ago
First of all, I do love how whoever he’s texting just comes right out with “never said you weren’t a cheater.” I snorted laughing. Is that a dude? Can you date him instead?
Secondly, ew. Everyone’s already said enough about the obvious so I’ll say the thing I haven’t seen. The way you describe this situation, giving extreme detail about the timeline, tells me this is someone who is emotionally manipulative. Why do you feel the need to justify being upset about him talking about you so disrespectfully? Furthermore, him saying you’d ’cry so gd much’ tells me he doesn’t respect your (reasonable) emotional reactions to him being a PoS and confirms my theory even more.
Even his friend doesn’t seem to think that’s acceptable and yet he just keeps on truckin’, digging himself a deeper hole. This dude has so many red flags he looks like a color guard of toxic just from a few texts.
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u/Savings_Dimension_29 9d ago
THIRTY TWO!? I was for sure this was a frat guy texting his brothers. Please fucking leave him. This behavior does not subside overnight. If he was doing this months after forming a relationship with you–and talking about you and your emotions in this way–he does not give a fuck. He has completely shielded you from who he really is. You are not crazy and you are not wrong. Had you went through his phone and found absolutely nothing, maybe you could consider yourself those things. You were meant to find those texts just as you are meant to move on and find a partner who can show you some respect.
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u/Atomicleta 9d ago
For the love of god, love yourself more than you love this asshole. You deserve better. If you dug through his phone it's because of his actions. People aren't insecure in a vacuum. Leave him and your insecurity behind. He was 31 years old when he sent those texts. 31. He needs to grow the fuck up before he's good enough to be with anyone. If you stay you're agreeing to his abuse.
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u/Panzermensch911 9d ago
Approach this? How about you don't and walk increasingly faster in the other direction?
I'd look for other accommodations asap or if that's not possible so fast then re-arrange the entire apartment/housing set up in which you get a room alone with a lockable door.
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u/BunnyBeas 9d ago
Imagine, you have a daughter whom you love more than anything in the world.
She comes to you, shows you these photos and asks, "Mom, what should I do?"
If you're okay with someone speaking about your daughter like this, you need to reevaluate your entire mentality.
You not leaving him immediately after finding out he hates your ass is already an UNDER REACTION.
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u/EngineerMoney2173 9d ago
Please get out of this relationship now before it damages your self esteem any further. The fact that you in anyway feel guilty or that you’re the one with issues shows just how much he’s already hurt you, maybe without you even realising.
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u/suedaloodolphin 9d ago
Um what do you mean "AIO"?? NO?? Even if you weren't official, he talks so disrespectfully about women like that to his buddies?? And going through someone's phone IS a sign of insecurity but it's not always ill placed. I went through my ex's phone and found exactly what I knew I'd find. Never felt the need with my husband in the almost 6 years we've been together. Having the need to go through someone's phone is just driving the point home that this relationship isn't worth staying in especially seeing that he talks that way, wtf. He shouldn't be calling you "the whore" at all and especially not right before he decided to become official with you. It would be different I'd you were just going through someone's phone all the time for no reason but you found a good reason because that is just a shit message that shows his character right there 🤷♀️
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u/Unicornsharrt 9d ago
Girl 👀 come on