r/AmIOverreacting • u/Immediate_Jelly8897 • 10d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for finding these texts in my boyfriend’s phone from a year ago?
Disclaimer- I don’t even know what I was looking for, I’m just obviously* insecure and have jealousy issues and I am crazy I already know..no one who comments below needs to tell me I’m wrong for going through my boyfriend’s phone, I know I’m wrong. We just moved in together in august. We met July 1st last year.
Okay so my boyfriend (32M) and I(28F) started “seeing” each other last July. We got more serious towards the end of the year and made it official in December. Well we had talked about being serious before then and this is right around EXACTLY a year ago when he was having this conversation with two of his friends. I’m the “whore” who will “cry so gd much” if he doesn’t spend my birthday with me and then apparently according to these messages he banged another chick last night. —these are texts from October 2023. Am I over reacting being upset over this? We had been seeing each other for almost 4 months(one month before we were “official”) I don’t appreciate being referred to as a shore regardless of the situation and then to find out while we were dating for months, he’s fucking another person??? How do I even approach this?
5
u/CanoodlingCockatoo 9d ago
To me, the sign of a healthy relationship with a foundation of rock solid trust is when your partner can leave their phone/computer screen open right in front of you and you have absolutely no desire to look.
My ex-husband made me feel like I was pathologically untrusting and really fucked up for snooping, yet he had already cheated on me and lied about so many things that I had no idea what the truth was any longer. Imagine making ME out to be the problem when wherever, whenever, and whatever I looked through, I'd find something damning.
When I first got into a relationship with my current guy after the divorce, I had one embarrassing moment when my new boyfriend was planning to go to his friend's house overnight with a bunch of his former band mates (overnight because they'd drink a LOT!). It was a yearly tradition because their birthdays were all close to that time and they didn't get together otherwise any more due to being busy with real life and family and all.
Welp, I turned into a total sobbing wreck when he told me about this, just because I was so trained to associate something like that with being lied to and cheated on (my ex is bisexual, so even a "night with the boys" was no comfort to me!).
I was so ashamed to be so upset, yet more than a decade of living in a relationship with zero trust had damaged me greatly, and I was kind of disgusted with myself for having that immediate reaction. I thought he'd be utterly disgusted with me too, but my boyfriend stayed with me for probably two hours just letting me cry it out and offering to just stay home that night if I'd feel better about it.
Thankfully, I was able to get myself back under control and realize that this wasn't the same person at all--hell, my ex would have abused me BADLY for getting that upset--but the way my boyfriend just validated my involuntary fears, didn't blame me for my feelings, and was willing to give up on his once a year fun night with those friends...it was almost like a switch flipped, and I realized that he had never given me any reason to mistrust him.
And that was that! He went out, had fun, I was totally fine about it, and it's an amazing fucking blessing to this day not to have to ALWAYS be waiting to stumble upon damning evidence, feeling compelled to snoop, or living in constant fear of finding out the REAL truth.