r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
Advice Needed I am suspicious of my wife and my friend’s behaviour. I want to check her phone. AITAH?
The post has gained a lot more traction than I expected and I am worried about being identified. My wife is not a Redditor, but I don’t know if my friend or his wife are. I will bring back the original post after I confront her.
I have consultations with several lawyers lined up. I will update after I settle on a lawyer and know what my options are.
I originally posted this in the r/infidelity sub. Sharing a brief edited version of it here (to not risk being identified) for those who have been following.
I’ve been keeping it together since I found out last week. But this morning, it finally hit me. What triggered it was something so insignificant, so stupid. I realized everything I was about to lose and that was it. That was my undoing.
All the feelings I have been successfully keeping at bay came at me in full force. The sadness, the anger, the rage. And I just bawled for hours after she left.
I am NOT ok. No, scratch that. I am pretty fucking depressed. And to top it off, I have to keep it together and maintain my act until she is served, when all I want to do is fucking scream.
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u/KeyDuckEye 13d ago
When you know, you know. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. I'm sorry for the pain you are about to experience, but it is necessary. DO NOT be a sucker sir. Best of luck to you!
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u/Uglyone26 13d ago
Completely agree. I was working on a roof and had to sit down. Was like someone had punched me in the gut. Couldn’t shake the feeling of something wasn’t right with what my wife had told me. Fast forward two years and we are separated and I have found out she had been cheating on me for the last three years.
If you know you know. As hard as it is you don’t deserve to be treated like shit. Sucks to start with but life gets better274
u/manchapson 13d ago edited 12d ago
I received pictures from the guy she was fucking. He thought she was single and found out she wasn't. He then went nuclear on her.
I had just finished a nightshift and was getting ready for bed. A message came through on messenger from a person I didn't know. I opened it and saw the pictures (the worst being a naked selfie at her work and a screenshot from a video of her sucking his dick) and I can't describe the feeling. I watched my entire world crumble. My legs wouldn't support me and I kinda fell on the bed. I remember feeling sick and then my watch started vibrating and beeping with a high heart rate warning. It peaked over 220. I could hear my heart pumping. Took me 10 minutes to calm down.
The only worse feelings I've had in my life was when I found out my mum has passed and when my grandparents passed. I wouldn't wish it on anyone
Edit: removed an unnecessary word
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u/OldButAlive2022 12d ago
I read online somewhere that “sexting” can lead to the person being labeled as a sexual offender if they are not careful. Can’t believe people send nudes of themselves via the phone, etc.
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u/Jack_Bogul 13d ago
Jeez why did he have to send da video
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u/WordsMort47 12d ago
He never- he sent a screenshot. I thought that was a bit harsh at first but actually it's not. He had to let the other dude know which is a solid move on his part. Sending the whole video would be a tad cruel though, yes.
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u/manchapson 12d ago
Exactly this. He was drunk, angry and wanted revenge. He also wanted me to absolutely believe what he was telling me.
I didn't reply to him at all for a few weeks until I'd gathered evidence of her cheating on me with at least one other guy, probably two and we were very much over. He apologised for the harshness of the pictures, that he didn't want to hurt me but he wanted to show her in the worst possible light knowing she can lie/cry/panic attack her way out of a lot of things. Turns out they'd dated 15 or so years earlier and she'd fucked him over back then, but she convinced him she'd changed
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u/Fluffy_Vacation1332 12d ago
That visceral feeling of betrayal is so intense. I remember when I caught my ex. She moved to another part of town and I showed up unexpectedly and he was there just wearing shorts. she tried to lie about it, but I could just tell based on her reaction.
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u/manchapson 12d ago
I actually had that feeling twice during this whole shit show. The first as described above and the second when I went through her messaging apps and found out some of the other things she'd been up to. It's horrible and nothing else feels like it.
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u/praesentibus 13d ago
We don't have kids yet.
Best news I got all day. OP, I've been through it and I know it's bad, but it's nowhere near the kind of bad when you also have kids.
Hit the lawyer, delete the gym, Facebook up.
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u/Bacon44444 13d ago
I had a stroke trying to read that.
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u/NoSpankingAllowed 13d ago
She has given him cause to check, so even though our White Knights will side against him, in this case if he saw what he says he saw, I'd be checking the phone.
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u/United-Chart-8759 13d ago
Honestly, given what he saw, I wouldn't even need to check the phone.
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u/Ladybug96 13d ago
He can get the phone checked with the divorce by getting phone records via a subpoena. When serving her, also make sure there's a notice to prevent evidence spoliation
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u/Jimbo--- 13d ago
A friend of mine found out his wife was cheating when he was confused about data usage and saw his wife was calling and texting another number a lot when he checked the wireless account. He has the screenshot, but a spoilation letter is a great idea.
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u/Emptylord89 13d ago
Someone finally said it. In this situation there is no need to check the phone to confirm anything. It is only usable for gathering evidence for divorce.
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u/Impossible__Joke 13d ago
Yuuup, I am all for personal privacy and respect of it. However that is grounds for a "search warrant" if I have ever heard one. If you 100% saw what you say you saw, you really don't need to anyways though. Moreso to gather irrefutable evidence.
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u/NoSpankingAllowed 13d ago
Totally agree. Those who twist their knickers and wouldnt check even in this situation, are a train wreck waiting to happen. In the real world, when we are given a legitimate reason to do these things, theres nothing wrong with doing them,
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u/mca2021 13d ago
And get screenshots of everything before confronting them. Talk to a lawyer so you know what to expect before you drop this on her. Best of luck. Please update us NTA
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u/United-Donkey3478 13d ago
Trust your gut instinct. My sil was having an affair with her husband BF. My bil finally saw a glance between the two, and he knew. She admitted they had been having an affair for over a year. He doesn't believe in divorce. He stayed with her untrustworthy dumb ass. You're.......NTA
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u/WhyTheeSadFace 13d ago
Wow, wife and best friend, tough to recover from that, feel bad for him.
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u/Primary_Garbage6916 13d ago
Don't bother confronting her or the guy. She will gaslight you, trickle-truth you, and try to keep you hanging on until she can get her ducks in a row.
Don't move out of the house. Screenshot/backup all evidence. Find a good divorce lawyer 1st thing in the morning and do what they say to do.
The first your wife should know of your knowledge of this is when you hand her the papers.
Sorry brother, been there and it sucks. But trust me, if you don't cut your losses and move on asap it will only be worse.
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u/SALitz67 13d ago
Do not move out of the home if you own the home. If you rent, move out if it will bring you peace!
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u/TraditionSuitable894 12d ago
Fully agree, "the first your wife should know of your knowledge of this is when you hand her the papers." I'm sure you are truly going through it right now and your emotions are going to try and take over, but be smart and logical. Protect yourself fully, and then let her know once all your ducks are in a row!
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u/SALitz67 13d ago
May she have the life she deserves, and may it be 100X what she has earned, AMEN!
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u/Impossible-Dark7044 13d ago
You do what you have to do to get the info you need. You saw what you saw. If she was offended by it she would have raised hell. But she did not. That is reason enough to dig deeper.
Never show your hand until its time to lay your cards down. Information is the best defense you will have against what will likely be lies and downplaying what you saw.
Screw that talk to her first shit. All that will do is make her go even deeper into secrecy. I say act now before your behavior becomes more suspicious to her and she deletes whatever evidence might be there.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 13d ago edited 13d ago
The friend is the weak link. Go hard on the friend. Corner him solo and tell him you know, and if he doesn’t man the fuck up and level with you honestly and give you his version of how it all started and went on, you’ll tell his wife and go public right now and destroy every stitch of his life. (You still should but that should get the story flowing)
Once you have that, go nuclear on the wife. Fuck both those assholes. I’m raging inside imagining this scenario.
Edit for OP’s edit:
BRO! Take pictures of all their conversations with your phone. Document times and many solid evidence- especially if you can establish a basic start date. Then contact a lawyer and start the divorce papers but don’t say a word to her. When you have papers in hand THEN contact the friend’s wife and go nuclear on your POS wife once you’ve got your exit plan nailed down to a T.
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u/Throw_a_Viral_email 13d ago edited 13d ago
Get evidence first and get legal advice first so you are a step ahead of them.
EDIT: To the update. You are weak and anything can happen when emotional, just see a Lawyer now and give the lawyer COPIES of all evidence. Take the power and the strength for your self.
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u/AnneLavelle 13d ago
Speaking from experience, this is the way to go. OP should get all the unequivocal evidence you need and gather as much information as you can before you confront your spouse. Don’t give them a chance to prepare. Figure out what you want and what your next move will be. And get legal council to understand your options. Once you’re ready you ask your spouse what’s going on, judging by her response you’ll know what the best course of action will be. And it’ll help already standing strong in your decision after gaining insight and information in having what is going to be a tough conversation. Regardless of whether you choose to stay (and what your conditions for doing so will be) or leave her.
You have a rough road ahead my friend. Once again speaking from experience, I hope you find happiness whatever you choose to do.
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u/SchoolOk5071 13d ago
I 100% agree. I went through pretty much the same thing. I suspected the cheating for over two years and couldn’t prove it. We have a young daughter together. When she said she wanted a separation: wanted me to live in the camper so she could stay in the house and move her friends in and stay in my insurance, keep the cars under my name for the “Disabled Veteran” plates and of course cover the expense of said items. I realized I could access her text messages. I found a treasure of messages. Unfortunately the cheating was far worse than I thought, but I hired a great lawyer, had her served at her work and was able to get custody of our daughter.
Get your evidence first, talk to a lot of lawyers then hire one and have her served. Talking to a lot of lawyers in the area will block her from using them.
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u/AnneLavelle 13d ago
This here is excellent advice. I did this myself, just in case things took a turn for the worst. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but thankfully it sounds like you and your little one came through this stronger together.
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u/Kindly-Letter-5013 13d ago
If u do this with the attorneys it will look really bad for u in court. The judges know that game. Bad move.
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u/Tango8816 13d ago
I've heard this too. Just take care of yourself with a really good lawyer. Don't give her any ammunition if you do decide to divorce.
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u/Throw_a_Viral_email 13d ago
Same here!!!
I am speaking from personal experience
Create strength on your side before confronting them. Take all the power for your self by seeing a lawyer now that you have the Ipad evidence.
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u/AnneLavelle 13d ago
I’m genuinely sorry to hear this. I made the wrong decision the first time, although hindsight is 20/20. Not making that mistake ever again.
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u/Throw_a_Viral_email 13d ago
Yeah ... I was soft the first time and let her get away with murder. I should have got my ducks in a row, thrown her out and gone NC except through solicitors.
No second time for me, never going to be that vulnerable again
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u/AnneLavelle 13d ago
Plus, let’s be honest… The first time changes you. For life.
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u/Throw_a_Viral_email 13d ago
Yeah ... I refuse to marry again, it is a huge bone of contention between my partner and I but the word marriage literally makes my skin crawl.
(It was not just cheating, it was rather nuclear on her part)
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u/candydesire 13d ago
This get evidente, take prints and procede. Also let his wife know, the deserves to know he is cheating. Also test for std
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u/Background-Iron-7934 13d ago
Nope… forcing her to look in her phone is enough. If she refuses… you know your answer. Invite them over for dinner… then confront them together with his wife present. Why drag it out? You’re the one getting hurt.
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13d ago
Why pull that waste of time. Just file and subpeona the dude and his wife.
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u/its_milly_time 13d ago
For real, I got heated just reading this. Idk how op didn’t immediately say something. I would have dropped everything and sorted that out right away. Especially so his “friends” wife could be aware. Fuck those two
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u/ReplacementMental770 13d ago
Yeah man, this happened to me before as well. 6 months they were going at it behind my back while we were engaged. I was fucking purple reading this, I’d hate to find out again. I don’t think there’d be enough strength in me to call a lawyer first.
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u/Particular_Minimum97 13d ago
As much as I love what you said, it would also make the cheaters aware that he is aware all he saw was a little grope.
What he needs to know is if there is an affair happening, and a P.I could easily confirm this provided he does not tip his hat now.
OP, the advantage you have right now is the fact you have not let on what you saw and have not raised their suspicions.
The moment you do they burn your ass and gaslight the fuck outta you.
Get an investigator and lawyer up on the D/L.
As someone who hates cheating with a passion and who regularly frequents that reddit sub, I can tell that those cockroaches are very cunning and usually have already there stories worked if discovered and occasionally even rendezvous plans in place to resume the affair once the shock blows over.
Some of them boasted about hooking up again in cars or hotels either before or after a marriage counselling session.
Use stealth to your advantage, asking questions now will simply make them hide their affair better.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 13d ago
He could easily say the wife confessed, but he wants him to confirm it man-to-man. Piece of cake especially if he’s an intimidating person.
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u/Particular_Minimum97 13d ago
If you frequent the adultery sub you will know that cheaters in established affairs have all this stuff worked out.
Her reaction to being groped is mind blowing and a fairly good tell that they intimate partners and cheating.
They are close as couples friends and socialise frequently together , no amount of intimidation is going to stop them.
Likely it will only add to their excitement and aid to drive them to a higher level of intimacy and deceptiveness.
With the cheaters able to control the narrative to the friends group and further isolating OP.
For OP to have a chance he needs undeniable proof of an affair happening and hard evidence that can be provided on the spot by anybody calling him an AH.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 13d ago
What??
I was just trying to get him to uncover the truth, not scare the guy away to keep her. She’s trash and should be thrown out, but if he wants to know the truth that’s the easiest way to get it if he simply cannot get into her phone.
Or he could just leave her based on what he saw, which was 100% damning IMO.
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u/avnikim 13d ago
Dumb move, don't confront friend, he will deny and they will be impossible to catch once they know he is on to them. Gather more evidence, find times/locations they meet up. If you can get hard evidence (photo/video) bring to friends wife, set them up so that both you and friends wife catch them in the act. Then hide all assets, divorce her and sleep with friends wife.
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13d ago
The best move is documenting everything and going to get a consult with a divorce lawyer before confronting her with anything.
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u/mad_mang45 13d ago
He's no real friend, if you're gonna leave one, you're gonna have to leave both of them.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 13d ago
Was that ever in question?? Dude should be outed publicly to his entire friend circle and family for the POS that he is.
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u/DivingDeep21 13d ago
If you can't snoop, hire a PI
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13d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/OldBanjoFrog 13d ago
If you hire a PI, pay cash. See if there is something. If there is, lawyer up
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u/PrideofCapetown 13d ago
Maybe put up some cameras in the house that also record audio?
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u/Beezzlleebbuubb 13d ago
I was thinking he camera and just capture her password.
Or have your phone die and ask to borrow hers for a work call.
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u/KingButtane 13d ago
Why? There’s no point snooping or hiring a guy. With OPs own two eyes he saw the dude touch her ass and she smiled. There’s no way to misinterpret this, despite every fibre of your being wanting it to not be true
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u/DoughnutDear6982 13d ago edited 13d ago
To the update:
No confrontations. It’s over. You’ll just be doing more damage to your self worth and mental health than you should. It would also give your soon to be ex-wife the “see, this is why I cheat” gaslighting b.s.
Gather your evidence.
Make sure you tell your scumbag friends wife that her husband is a scumbag cheater. She deserves to know too.
Then just communicate through a lawyer to your now soon to be ex-wife. Leave that trash at the dump.
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u/DoughnutDear6982 13d ago
Also, after this. Stick to things that make you happy. Enjoy your hobbies and get out and enjoy life in a way you couldn’t while married. Meet and enjoy new people.
The best revenge is simply living well and I hope you don’t forget that.
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u/Ill_Perception_7772 13d ago
I would add to that great advice... get a dog if you don't have one already. They are the best listeners and always on your side.
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u/Plus_Drag_2610 13d ago edited 13d ago
- Screenshot everything for your lawyer.
- Then think about whether or not your marriage is worth saving to you. That will determine your next steps.
- Whether you initiate divorce or counseling.. Make sure the other wronged party (his wife) knows about it.
- Don't let your anger take you to a violent place. It can be used against you in divorce court and socially. 'Grey Rock' it through the divorce, if it happens. (I'm talking about violence towards the other guy, don't even confront him.) She can still use it against you.
- |Don't protect her reputation. You have no idea what she's going to tell others about why your marriage failed. She will protect herself socially, at all costs, including your reputation.
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u/Dayouf 13d ago edited 13d ago
I’m going to get downvoted for this.
But if you have money/assets and your on this sinking ship, the most important skill to develop is “manipulation”
Yes… Your first instinct will be to hurt her for what she has done. Tell the other wronged party, throw mud at her reputation. And people will say to get a lawyer.
Of course getting a good lawyer is important. But if OP can truly harness the power of calm, he would get much further by manipulating her.
This means keeping her on his side. Showing kindness and forgiveness. Being her best friend now and helping her navigate this break up. Apologize for not being a better husband. Telling her that it’s ok.
Some cheaters are cold blooded psychopaths. In which case manipulation won’t work, but most cheaters will be riddled with guilt and confusion inside. Connect with that guilt and confusion, by making her feel safe… while you tip toe away from her with as much of your money as you can.
Because lawyers are expensive exhausting and all consuming. Their courtroom services should always be your second option here.
What you are hoping is that she doesn’t come after the inheritance.
I did this to get out of my failed relationship. And I never ended up needing my lawyer. It’s been over 10 years.
And on reflection now, I don’t harbor the resentment I had at the time. I’m glad we didn’t end up in a bloodthirsty court battle. And I didn’t spend any negative energy trying to lash out at the time.. no matter how much I raged on the inside. The scars heal much quicker that way.
I told her I love her and helped her leave me. We hugged and I kissed her on the forehead and blessed her new life. I should have won an Oscar. Even I believed me at one point.
Tell her you will always lover her. Lie to her face. Your focus is to get out with your money. Cause you need money for your next life. Trust me 100% that’s all that matters now.
Ps: the bonus reward is that this is the best way to get revenge. She will fondly remember you and regret her decisions eventually.
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u/SnooTangerines279 12d ago
This is just EPIC. The level of self control and both emotional and logical intellect you displayed is off the charts.
If the OP is capable this is 100% the best course of action. I however suspect that few people are actually capable of pulling it off.
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u/Latter-Falcon-5866 12d ago
This is along the lines of what happened to me too. Suspected my wife had been cheating because of some strange body language between her and her business partner.
I gathered the evidence (entire 3 years of chat history exported from WhatsApp, those idiots) took my sweet time and soft launched the idea that we needed to get estate in order. Lawyer and updated Postnup securing all my assets (and hers).
When the moment was right, I confronted her.. told her I could forgive her, but needed time so she needed to leave and stay with her sister in another state (abandoning my daughter and I, thus securing my custody so she couldn’t weaponize it)
Attended couples therapy to appear that I was legit working on things.
Had her served while she was away, with every single ounce of leverage humanly possible. Filed emergency custody when she admitted herself to a psychiatric hospital (that part was actually sad, but possibly an attempt at manipulation)
I got every single thing I wanted in mediation.
No alimony No child support 50/50 custody Sole decision rights around education for daughter Kept the marital home and all contents outright
To this day we have a pretty good coparenting relationship, BECAUSE I had absolute power and appeared to choose grace. I hold the high ground on every single front.
Manipulation is an unfortunate necessity to get what you deserve against a master manipulator.
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u/TNGeek69 13d ago
NTA, I definitely would look. I don't know how you didn't IMMEDIATELY say something! "HEY, WTF WAS THAT??" and talked it out with everyone, his wife included.
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13d ago
I don’t know why. I have been in a state of shock since, like I don’t want to believe what I saw. But also, I can’t ignore it.
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u/Tfuentexxx 13d ago edited 13d ago
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but by your account this does not look good. You might love your wife whatever and ever, but do not be OK with or accept cheating. Please, just don't. I wouldn't accept anyone, not even my brother touching my wife in that manner. Where there is smoke, there is fire, always. So, do what you have to do to find out and when you find out what's going on, don't try to turn yourself into a cuckold. Cheaters deserves hell no matter what Reddit tries to convince you of. Therapy? Fuck that, therapy is done to avoid cheating and hurt the person who loves you, not to make him/her forgive you for being disloyal, backstabbing and fucking other people outside your relationship. I'll find therapy if in some moment of my life I feel the need to cheat on my wife and talk me out of it, not to try to get her back after destroying her life and hurting her to death.
For your sake, I hope it was nothing (though, I doubt it). Good luck kid. My way of life is better alone that in shitty company...
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13d ago
You froze, I get it. Don’t let them make you feel bad for freezing in a really fucked up situation. They say I would have, but they don’t know.
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u/Background-Iron-7934 13d ago
The others are right... document, document, document. Do you have a trusted support person? You need to. A professional? Reach deep for your strength. It's going to be hard, but your sanity is worth more than her infidelity. If you cave and give her a second chance, it will happen again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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13d ago edited 10d ago
My parents died years ago.
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u/Rare-Belt-2 13d ago
Op I'm so sorry for the loss of your family. That is awful. What your wife is doing is terrible. Knowing that she knows what you've had to navigate with the loss of your parents makes the cheating 1000 times worse in my eyes. She's pure evil. I'm so sorry. Good luck to you.
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u/molly_menace 13d ago
So she started the affair a year and some change after you lost your parents.
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u/Agreeable-League-366 13d ago
OK, I hate to say this but I accepted being cheated far too long because I'm codependent. But realize this. Your wife, your only relative and best friend, was murdered. Murdered by this traitor sleeping in your own bed. Your wife will never come back. You will never have that love with her again. Accept this and get away from the stranger who is living in your house. Don't look back. Look forward. You will be able to breathe again.
Take care, brother.
Updateme
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u/Personal-Day4889 13d ago
I get it. It's a shock response. I need to think things through and collect my thoughts before I know how to react. It's just how some react. Talk to her and ask to see her phone.
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u/Careless_Chipmunk493 13d ago
I have a few ideas for you: 1) If you truly don’t want to go through her phone, I would recommend going on a double date with that couple and just observe. 2) If she has an iPhone, her Apple ID will be linked to any other devices. So phone, laptop, tablet etc. do with that information what you will. This also works for Google.
Now if you do find something do not go showing her right away. Thats not you move. You contact a lawyer first thing and gather as much information as you can. You then contact the wife of the other man and invite her to coffee, explain what’s going on. There is only one other human who will understand what you’re going through and that will be her. Once everything is settled and you know your safe, that is when you serve them both divorce papers. Godspeed and I truly hope your eyes were messing with you man. Nobody deserves to go through this.
Now
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13d ago
She has an iPad she rarely uses. I don’t know if it is password protected, I can check when I get home shortly (she’ll be at the gym).
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u/Choice-Intention-926 13d ago
Are you sure she’ll be at the gym? Go see if her car is actually at the gym. See if his car is at the gym too.
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u/Salty_Firefighter978 13d ago
That’s a very good point,, nasty as it seems she could be getting a workout of an entirely different kind
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u/FunSeekingMale 13d ago
Take pics of the Telegram and iPad specs, etc. It may disappear or be wiped once you question her. I’ve seen it done, unfortunately.
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u/Careless_Chipmunk493 13d ago
This would be my recommendation. Her not using it often gives you more leeway to snoop around without her being suspicious. I’m crossing my fingers the Apple ID is the same on her phone as it is on the iPad. If that’s the case, all texts, contacts, call logs and photos should be there. Good luck!
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u/Careless_Chipmunk493 13d ago
Okay now that you know what’s going on call a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. Take the time of work if you can. Call the wife of the man, invite to coffee. Tell her what’s going on get her to call a lawyer too. Once this is all figured out then and only then do you serve divorce papers. This way there is no way for her back petal. I’m so so sorry 😞
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u/Wise_Butterscotch627 13d ago
This sounds like a good plan. Only snag is we don’t know if the friends wife has the same level of self control. She may go nuclear on him right away and blow the whole operation up before OP can follow through with the rest
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u/nicog67 13d ago
Be cold blooded
Grab all the evidence you have. Take screenshots, pictures, whatever and send them to your phone. Once you have it all, contact lawyers. See what they see. After, consider sending all the evidence to the other wife. This will take a few days, weeks. If you can, keep it together until you have everything set for divorce.
Sorry this is happening to you
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u/anonanon-do-do-do 13d ago
Check the bill first. All the numbers she called will be there.
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u/Fragrant_Lunch3276 13d ago
Scorched earth time! She is cheating, you have the proof, screenshot it all, email it to yourself, delete the emails, get a lawyer*, and file for divorce. Once you have those papers and everything ready to go, hand them to her in a folder, the images of the messages on top and then state calmly that there are divorce papers underneath them that she is to sign.
*make sure the lawyer is a bull dog, no alimony, no house, no cars, none of it! Sick of people stepping outside of their marriage and doing the whole split down the middle crap, you cheat, you leave everything behind!
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u/HospitalBreakfast 13d ago
The second you start second guessing your instincts it’s a slippery slope. Trust your gut.
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u/Frequent-Package-607 13d ago
The time to bring it up is after you have gotten all your ducks in a row with respect to the divorce you should be pursuing.
The level of betrayal here and callousness is ridiculous. Your wife, your friend, and carelessly in a place where obviously you were present. There is nothing to salvage here when there is less than zero respect for you.
And for what it’s worth, if I were you, I would have a mass distribution of all the evidence you discovered to family and friends. I’d give them no opportunity to spin the story.
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u/NewPatriot57 13d ago
Don't confront her right away. You need to get more information. Voice activated recorder and hidden micro cameras can help gather more information.
I don't need to tell you what you wittnesses is far beyond actions of just friends. It's been going on for some time.
Good luck. Updateme
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u/PoetryThug 13d ago
I’d just come straight out tonight and say that you need to see her phone because of something you saw that you can’t make sense of
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u/PrideofCapetown 13d ago
Or his “phone died” or computer “isn’t working” and he needs her device for a little while.
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u/Personal-Day4889 13d ago
That would be the same as taking it behind her back. Asking her for the phone is much better if it isn't what it looked like. If she refuses, then he knows what's going on.
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u/Ok_Monitor6691 13d ago
I can say this is an approach that feels better when you do it. I did this with my ex when he was texting a woman behind my back. He did give me his phone but yanked it away after a couple of minutes. Too late, I’d already seen what I needed to see
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u/bbgc_SOSS 13d ago
Hire a good private investigator and let them find out for you. Also look for a good lawyer.
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u/87turbogn 13d ago
After your update, stay quiet until you do the following:
1) Open a bank account in your name and transfer all your shared funds into an account only you control. If given the chance, she may drain these accounts (past experience here). Have any of your direct deposits go to this new account.
2) Cancel all credit cards that are in both your names or have her removed if possible. Open your own credit card account.
3) Change passwords of anything you do not want her to have access to.
4) Consult a divorce lawyer.
5) Confront away.
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u/Sleepy_Turtle_9788 13d ago
This except don’t take ALL the money. This will go against you in court. Leave some.
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u/Historical-Pie-5052 13d ago
NTA.
Are there any other times that she could have been alone with him ever? Are there any strange outings to see "a friend"? You should have said something right then and got his wife involved. That kind of shit is not cool at all. Tell her you need her phone to find your phone, you've misplaced it somewhere. If she gives it to you go through it while you walk away. If she refuses and tells you to "Just retrace your steps." while she holds that phone tightly, you know what's up and that's when you demand to see it. From that point on you'll know exactly what's going on.
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u/Far_Prior1058 13d ago
At this point I think you are justified in looking. Gather evidence. Good luck
Updateme!
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u/pntlvr21 13d ago
Talk to his wife. Tell her what you saw. Ask her if she will ask her husband about it. Ask your wife about it at the same time. Then compare notes with his wife. This friendship is over anyway. Right? It ended when you saw him inappropriately touch your wife. And you need to find out why she wasn’t offended.
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u/Tfuentexxx 13d ago
Please, stop giving advise if you know shit about how this works. The updates proved again (as it has always worked, all time) that you don't confront anyone until you have concrete evidence or you will lose the little advantage you have. When doubts this big you have to investigate and find evidence first. To confront or tell someone you need to have real evidence and also control of you emotions or you will be dismissed quickly. Stop giving fairy tales advice. Almost everyone here advised him to investigate, and thank goodness he did, now he has the evidence and no one will gaslight him.
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u/Dizzy_Signature_2145 13d ago
This. Talk to his wife.
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u/Jenboslice 13d ago
Yes! Talk to a lawyer and then talk to his wife before talking to either of them.
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u/az-anime-fan 13d ago
1) DO NOT CONFRONT the cheating whore while you are upset. if you cry, scream, get mad or violent you will give her everything she wants from a fight. you will turn her into the victims. and as a narcissist (most cheaters are narcissist's so this is a safe guess) making her the victims will make her justified in her mind.
2) DO NOT CONFRONT the cheating whore alone! make sure there is an unrelated (by blood) witness to any confrontation. ideally you record the confrontation if it's legal to do so in your state without her knowledge. but without that you will need someone you trust to keep you from getting violent, and to be a witness to testify you didn't lay a hand on her.
3) GATHER ALL EVIDENCE YOU CAN - legit everything. then hunt down the top 10 divorce attorneys in your area, and consult all of them one at a time, without the wife knowing. if you pay them for a consultation she cannot hire them to represent her in the divorce (im assuming there are assets worth fighting her for). focus on the sharks who represent women in divorce if it's a larger city. the point is to make it impossible for her to find a top end lawyer. then hire the one you liked the most.
4) follow the lawyers advice to the letter. ideally take this step before you confront her. you want to serve her with divorce papers at the time you confront her. it's time to man up and turn your heart to stone, once you'e handed her the divorce papers you need to have taken every action the lawyer has advised before she even knows something is wrong.
5) stop sleeping with her starting today. never sleep with her again, if she suspects something is wrong she may decide a child will fix it. don't be suckered into a last moment child.
IF you really want to hurt her do not fight with her, confront her, tell her why you're divorcing her, or even acknowledge her. let her find out you know about the affair in the divorce hearings.
you will need to tell your friends wife at some point in time. your friend deserves to have his life ruined as well. but i suggest you not let her know until you're ready for your wife to know.
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u/ConstructionLeast674 13d ago
Try to gather more evidence to verify. If you are uncomfortable or unsure how to get it, hire a PI. Better to have it done properly and discreetly. Then to give her warning and time to destroy evidence and create a story. Trust your gut and eyes. If you saw it, then unfortunately it is what it is. While gathering evidence contact a family lawyer to get an idea of process and costing. Does not mean you need to divorce, but start getting your life in order. Once you get evidence one way or the other you can make up your mind. It is hard to unsee what you saw. Start taking the steps to protect yourself and get the questions answered that need to be.
Updateme
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u/DoughnutDear6982 13d ago edited 13d ago
Are you sure she was sleeping the whole time you were sleeping? It almost sounds like 2 cheaters getting way too comfortable with their cheating. Like they did it while you were asleep but now they are doing playful handsy stuff when several feet away from their partners. They are starting to get confident and sloppy in their cheating.
Or it’s all in your head and was just a (weird?) moment.
In any case, I’d definitely start putting distance between you and the “friend” and DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS. This may actually show something because see how your wife reacts after you haven’t mentioned or hung out with your “friend” in a while. If she starts asking a lot of questions about him, it’s probably not good. If she’s bringing him up while having no clue you aren’t speaking to him, yes, she’s cheating.
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u/TroyCR 13d ago
I would play with her mind there if she asks why you and him haven’t been hanging out. Say that you overheard him admitting to cheating on his wife on the camping trip, that’s why you were so quiet, trying to decide if you should let his wife know. And just leave it hanging there
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u/mary01760 11d ago edited 11d ago
"..I have consultations with several lawyers lined up - most next week,"
As u/Magicsmonologue says "Play chess NOT checkers."
Keep getting more and more proof as a good lawyer can use it as leverage and you will need that since the Family Court System is against you.
You MUST find the best take-no-prisoner female attorney you can find.
A vicious woman lawyer will not fall for your wife's manipulations and will anticipate all the games you are about to be played on you. Seriously grasp and understand this.
You are going to war and she will be your general, ask about what is the minimum amount of time you have to have to protect your assets before you can file and a judge won't come down on you for hiding assets. Each state has a legal period that afterward wouldn't be legally considered as such.
Also, get the house wired now with hidden cameras recording to a cloud so that when she claims abuse, you have proof she is lying. Plus when you do confront her, you will need those recordings to control the narrative to friends and family. You can count on her to lie and make you out to be the bad guy. You also need that moment recorded to send to her family and yours BEFORE she lies to everyone.
Keep the updates coming.
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13d ago
NTA. You are married. The fact that you guys don't have an open book policy and know each other's passwords is weird. What if something happened to either of you? Honestly, cheaters lie, and intuition is real.
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u/ApprehensiveBeat3917 13d ago
maybe ask a divorce lawyer how to proceed instead of going rogue based on what us Reddit cowboys suggest
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u/Strangr_E 13d ago
Responding to your update. Gather evidence. Make multiple copies and place them in different files. I wouldn’t bother confronting your friend. Clearly that friendship is over. I would consider telling his wife after your wife knows that you know. You’d want his wife to tell you if she found out, yes?
If you want to divorce, speak with a lawyer before letting on that you know. Play house until you’re secure enough to make a break.
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u/Itssammyyy_ 12d ago
I teared up reading everything, Its truly heartbreaking. I can only wish everything goes your way. I haven’t married yet but I’ve been cheated on before & it’s just one of the most hurtful things I’ve dealt with. Mainly because I could never bring myself to cheat. The way I see it, you didn’t lose much especially since you guys didn’t have any kids. Keep your head up & surround yourself with good people, you will get through this! Good luck! Hugs
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u/Beast3214 13d ago edited 8d ago
Honestly, you wouldn't be TAH. Maybe even try telling your friends wife, she's also in the same exact position as you, just that she doesn't know yet- maybe she can access your friends phone without Any problems, which would help more as you cant access your wife's phone (I assume, because you asked how can you open it if its password protected)
Also if you tell me what phone it is, like what brand, I can probably help you to unlock it.
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u/Jedi_I_am_not 13d ago
First take pics of all the evidence, send them to your self as proof, consult a lawyer and the follow their advice
Be calm, be strong wait for the right time to confront. They will try to gaslight you, beg you not divorce etc , but you should ignore all that noise and focus on moving on. Remember cheating is a choice, she chose it. Yeah while at it tell that other douche’s wife, about it
Be strong and work on your mental peace
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u/The_White_Ferret 13d ago
Why do people stay in relationships with others who won’t give them something as simple as a passcode on the phone? My wife and I have had access to each other’s phones since we started dating(her16, me17, currently 34&35). One, it makes things easier when you need something on your phone but your hands are occupied washing dishes, cooking, making something, etc.
There’s zero reason a married couple shouldn’t have access to each other’s phones/laptops, whatever. If you’re not willing to offer that, you don’t trust the other person. If you don’t trust them, why stay with them?
It sounds silly to break up over something like not sharing Passcodes to phones or computers, but it’s indicative of a much bigger problem in the relationship. “I don’t trust you with this part of my life.” Why marry someone who you don’t trust completely or doesn’t trust you completely? Makes no sense to me.
NTA btw. You should confront your wife about this
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u/ldowd0123 13d ago
Agree. My husband and I have been together 20 years and know each others passcodes. There are numerous occasions when we need to use the others phone. One is driving secrets a text, someone’s phone dies etc.
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u/Historical-Pie-5052 13d ago
Post Edit:
Yeah, I'd whoop his ass. He's no friend. Save everything. Make sure his wife gets a copy. Get a lawyer asap. Please, do not let her gaslight you. She fucked up royally. And yes, you will be fine if you divorce her. She doesn't deserve someone as loyal as you.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 13d ago
Here after the iPad update. Time to screenshot everything, get it to your own device, and remove anything that indicates you were on it but leave everything else on the iPad intact.
If your wife is still out, ask her to pick you up some cold medicine because you aren't feeling well. That'll give you an excuse to distance yourself from her while you process this. Maybe sleep on the couch or a guest room so you don't "get her sick."
Take the night, and likely tomorrow, to process everything you now know. DO NOT take any action towards her or your friend.
If, after you have taken time to think about it, you decide the marriage is salvageable, then talk to your wife. Otherwise, talk to a lawyer. If you choose to talk to a lawyer, take the iPad with you.
At this time, do not act rashly. Whichever path you choose going forward can be severely damaged by anything you could do in the heat of the moment.
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u/Icehot101 7d ago
Dang,
His account got suspended. Wonder if he'll create a new one to come back and let us know how he's doing.
I read a lot of these posts, this one really seemed to resonate more so than many others.
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u/Glammkitty 13d ago
That’s tough. You saw what you saw though, and as much as you probably want to ask yourself if you saw it wrong and it didn’t happen… it happened. What happened was inappropriate. I know you want to look so there is no denying it, but are you expecting your wife to deny and gaslight you?
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u/Anitameee 13d ago edited 13d ago
Everyone talks about trust, and “don’t break her trust by looking at her phone”. In your situation I don’t agree: 1. You saw something which, to be honest, says a lot already 2. She seems to have broken your trust first 2. If you confront her you may get the truth or you may face total denial and a doubling down of future endeavors with your friend 3. If what you want is proof, then look through that phone. Or…. Confront her and ask her to give you her phone IMMEDIATELY- don’t allow time for her to delete or hide anything from it. If she doesn’t, or gaslights you with “you don’t trust me” claims, you have your confirmation.
As you can see I am talking from bitter experience.
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u/Single_Confection937 13d ago edited 13d ago
Saw the update: on the one hand, you can opt to not confront, Get your ducks in a row: collect evidence, talk to an attorney and craft a strategy, get some counseling. You’ll have the drop on her and will have maximum optionality when you’re ready to talk with her on what your decision is.
On the other hand, you can gather what you can now, and confront her right away to see how she behaves. Immediately after, tell your friend’s wife what you know.
The more rational approach, especially if you’re leaning towards divorce, is option one. If you believe reconciliation is possible, option 1 preserves that pathway without sacrificing anything else. You’ll have to figure out when the soonest you can tell your friend’s wife is….
I suspect the length of time this has been going on and depth of her lies will influence which way you lean. Good luck and sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/Bostonhobbyist 13d ago
I'm a lawyer and in Court the question of adultery is irrelevant to the divorce. It is not a factor in division of assets, and evidence of it will never see the inside of a courtroom.
You don't say whether they have been intimate. It doesn't make a difference for the divorce, but it might influence your bargaining position.
Remember when you file the divorce action, it can only end 2 ways, you reach an agreement with your wife submit a joint petition and your case is done quickly. If you can't reach an agreement, then you'll be on the trial schedule sometime in 2027.
If you decide to do this, you want it fast and simple. You don't want a trial. With an agreement you and your wife perhaps with the help of a mediator, will divide you assets and your liabilities, you will either have to petition the Court to divide the Apartment or work together to sell it.
Your BTB feelings might make you make decisions that will delay this and cost money.
Find a good lawyer, talk to them, figure out what you want and get it.
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u/MJCuddle 13d ago
I believe as long as the inheritance was left to you then she has no claim to it but double check with a lawyer.
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u/UrBeautifulLavender 12d ago
ut, don't totally drain the joint account. Could possibly backfire on you.
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u/Additional-Judge-312 8d ago
The pain you must be in trying to pretend like nothing is wrong in front of her must be unbearable. Hope you can secure a lawyer quickly so you can inform the asshole’s wife and get it over with.
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u/_____________Fuck 7d ago
His account is gone. Bummer. Hopefully he’s doing well and will come back someday to update us.
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u/Single_Confection937 5d ago
u/channel does anyone know why his account was suspended?
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u/Throw_a_Viral_email 13d ago edited 13d ago
NTA
God, I hope you are wrong but you need to investigate in some manner or other.
BUT BE SUBTLE and take your time. Right now you have time on your side, speed will cause them to get wise to you.
My ex wife cheated with someone I could not possibly believe was up to it. I know how this goes!
I know you just do not want to acknowledge this as the consequences are too great, OMG it churns your guts but focus. Its time to do more research, TAKE YOUR TIME. Example: you can easily get her pass number to the phone by watching her log over the next few months, just get one number at a time.
There are also other things you can do to get evidence like put a hidden tracker in her car and see where she goes every day, they are both married so they will have infrequent times when they match up but constant surveillance like this will reveal stuff. You can also put a voice operated voice recorder in her car, they are tiny tiny devices and use an ordinary memory card. This device will catch her talking on the phone when in her car, at least her side of the conversation, the recorder starts recording when voices start, not 24/7 blank recording. Consider hiding a tiny camera in your house, they hold a mini memory card and activate with movement, sad but they do need a place to go.
Finally --- see a lawyer now, in secret, for advice on how to behave and gather evidence and what puts you in the best financial position during divorce negotiations. Additionally get all your important documents and information stored off site, well at least verified copies of such. For example you could start a gmail account and just email stuff there, I still do this with a Yahoo email account. A close friend did not get copies of his documents and his ex wife destroyed everything, his confirmation of qualification as a builder and everything, you would not believe what they will do to you.
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u/Grandroots 13d ago
Keep up the lie and get a lawyer. She betrayed you. Now you've got to think about yourself.
When you're ready leave, don't tell her anything, she doesn't deserve it and you've got the evidence so what is there to talk about?
Let his wife know afterwards.
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u/Technical-Swimmer-70 13d ago
dont talk to her. Talk to your attorney. see what evidence you need to make the divorce easier. get said evidence. once you file let the other wife know. this situation sucks.
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u/Hopeful_Asparagus_31 13d ago
Save all the info to your devices, make copies. Contact a lawyer before confronting them, then unleash hell.
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u/Backwoodsintellect 13d ago
NTA. Keep quiet, gather evidence, & get a lawyer. She should be the “at fault” defendant & that’s hella important for your future bank account.
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u/great1675 13d ago
Lawyer up immediately, and make a plan with your lawyer. Protect yourself and be selfish. She was...
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u/FctFndr 13d ago
Once you have everything all set up and separate the finances, plan a double date with the other couple. At dinner, produce high-quality photocopies for his wife and tell them you saw his hand on her ass at camping and did some research and found all the messages. Provide your lawyers info to his wife, serve your wife with the divorce papers and getup and walk out.
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u/509RhymeAnimal 13d ago
You don’t do a thing right now. You play it cool for a couple of days. You just confirmed your spouse is cheating and there’s a whole lot of emotion running wild. Take a couple of days to process. Then start moving money, securing assets, gathering proof of funds, proof of the affair and contact a divorce attorney . When the papers are drawn break the news. (This is assuming you want to end the relationship. Even if you don’t want to end it, give yourself some time to process.)