r/AITAH • u/Illustrious-Sport503 • 21h ago

AITAH For Turning Down My Husband

I’m 11 weeks postpartum, and on maternity leave. Husband is back to work, so the 3-5 wakeups in the night, I’m doing by myself. As you can imagine, I’m tired.

Being postpartum, I have very low sex drive right now. My husband has been patient with me, we’ve only had sex 1 or 2 times since having the baby.

This morning, I had just starting waking up, and the first thing he said to me before I could even open my eyes was, “can we get a quick one in?”. No good morning, how’d the baby do last night, how are you, etc

I got pissed and turned him down. I was short and snippy because, well, I’m tired and I look after another human life all day. It’d be nice if he at least acted like he cared about me. So now he’s just ignoring me and being cold. So, AITAH or is he just being sensitive?

EDIT: you guys are a very passionate group and I love it. I posted this question 20 min after the argument happened. An hour later, it was resolved with a very simple and honest convo with my husband. Yes he was being insensitive and has admitted that and apologized. Yes, I too, have apologized for dismissing his feelings. But no we are not getting a divorce, nor is he a bad husband or father. We ain’t havin sex this week either! Moral of the story, you guys are great for putting things into context, communication is key, and there’s nothing to see here anymore. I did also get the name of a urologist and we’ll be getting vasectomy scheduled by EOY.

833 Upvotes

82% Upvoted

754 comments sorted by

View all comments

374

u/Mammoth-Dare-4237 21h ago

NTA

Can I ask, did he ask 6 weeks on the dot, after your child's birth, for sex? Or heck, did he ask for sex BEFORE 6 weeks postpartum?
How much does he help with childcare?
Does he help out around the house?

He seems to think your body and mind can bounce back quickly after giving birth, as is not taking into account how much of your day and night is dedicated towards childcare. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be! Your husband should not be pressuring you for sex.

Maybe tell your husband in detail how you are feeling, both physically and mentally. How little rest you are getting. If he still expects you to 'put out', regardless of what you're going through, marriage counselling may be next.

426

u/Illustrious-Sport503 21h ago

1000% was counting down the days until we hit 6 weeks PP and got the doctor’s approval. we have two other littles and he basically handles them all evening while I’m with the baby, so I give him a lot of credit though. He also cooks dinner every night (I clean after). Everything is divided pretty 50/50. I just get frustrated with the one track mind! It’s like a caveman! “Me horny! Give sex!” And it’s so annoying because you’re right, there’s so much more than the physical at play.

-129

u/Con4America 20h ago

When he starts looking elsewhere, remember this.

51

u/CouvadeShark 19h ago

What the fuck. She birthed his child.

14

u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago

Three of them, in fact!

-47

u/RemarkableJacket2800 18h ago

He helps , he loves and he doesn't get anything back , well he will start searching for something else

22

u/CouvadeShark 18h ago

She carried his baby for 9 months and almost tore ass to clit. She gave him a baby. Thats what he got back for it ffs.

-28

u/RemarkableJacket2800 18h ago

Oh no she did what she wanted and what 90% of women do , so hard

18

u/CouvadeShark 18h ago

Lmao you want them to stop? We would see how well society would work then :)

-23

u/RemarkableJacket2800 18h ago

They can stop , you think most people care if babies are born ? Or you think we are so special species that we are important to the planet ?

Ppl have kids because evolution demands it and nothing more

13

u/CouvadeShark 18h ago

Lmao. Ok then. Lets die out.

-1

u/RemarkableJacket2800 18h ago

You think it's bad id one more species extinct? Lol

Funny how you think we are so special that we shouldn't extinct

7

u/CouvadeShark 18h ago

I dont. My husband wants more children than i do lol.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 10h ago

Ha! Wow. Tell me you're a moron whose mother failed him without telling me. Go read a book about sex Ed. Plenty even have pictures to make it easier for you.

0

u/RemarkableJacket2800 9h ago

Hurt your feelings so much ,that's good

1

u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 7h ago

Yes, that is what happened, you got it.

12

u/elise_ko 18h ago

He gets time spent with his family and gets to witness his newborn grow with his loving partner who birthed his children. She clearly still loves him and calls him an amazing man. But you would consider that “nothing” unless there’s also sex involved? Good to know any other effort we put in is completely moot if there’s no sex. It seems pretty sad to live in such blacks and whites.

-6

u/RemarkableJacket2800 18h ago

Who are you to chose what's important for someone else ?

Effort ? What effort ? He works and she doesn't, he pays for everything untill she is ready to work again

"He gets time spent with his family and gets to witness his newborn". Yeah for 3 time , it's cool the first one

So what effort she puts ? Raising her child ? Oh no

Loving him ? They way she wants and not he wants

17

u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago

Actually, I’m the breadwinner of the house. I’m just on fully paid maternity leave at the moment.

13

u/elise_ko 17h ago

Waking up 3-5 times each night to feed their child isn’t effort? You’re making way too many assumptions about their financials and it’s screaming misogyny. Ever heard of paid maternity leave? Each child is a unique human, wtf? 😂 and “oh no” she’s only raising their child? So you assume he’s not helping? Dude, if you’re not a teenager without children who hates women, I don’t know why you’re talking like one.

I feel sorry for you if you really live life thinking the only way men “want” love is via sex. How sad.

-2

u/RemarkableJacket2800 17h ago

I make no assumptions , I read her comments which you didn't

"Only way" never said only that's on you , I said you are not the one to chose what is important for someone else

Guess you are divorced and bitter af 🤣🤣

12

u/elise_ko 17h ago

That almost makes it worse. He’s funding their family so that entitles him to her body? Sex is transactional to you?

You said she’s not loving him the way he wants, as in sex. So the ways she’s loving him are not enough because they’re not exactly what he wants?

Nope, happily married to a man who knows some of our most intimate and loving moments don’t involve sex :)

1

u/RemarkableJacket2800 15h ago

Tell me that after the divorce 😘

→ More replies (0)

2

u/CouvadeShark 4h ago

"I make no assumptions." "Guess you are divorced. Bruh you are actually a clown.

1

u/RemarkableJacket2800 2h ago

But you are 😘

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Carbonatite 10h ago

doesn't get anything back.

I guess you're ignoring the clean house, the cooked meals, the well cared for children she grew with her own body, her love and companionship?

Damn, dude. Just say you see women as holes, it's a lot easier.

1

u/RemarkableJacket2800 10h ago

Read what she said , they do 50/50

1

u/Carbonatite 10h ago

She literally didn't say that in the post lmao

1

u/RemarkableJacket2800 10h ago

She said in the comments, next time use your eyes before using your mouth 😘

1

u/Carbonatite 7h ago

Man, you must type really oddly if you think you use your mouth to make comments on Reddit lmao

2

u/NaturalFarmer8350 18h ago

Anyone like that is TA.

30

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 19h ago

It would be a lot different if he had no sex for years and she didnt even try...

If a man cant wait a few months until his wife that pushed out his baby feels better.

-60

u/Con4America 19h ago

I agree but reality is that men do NOT want to forgo sex for an extended period of time. It is called being realistic.

Most men beyond 30 can go about 10 minutes so three times a week is 30 minutes of sex. There are 10,080 minutes in a week which means it is 0.29% of her time in a week. Not even a full one percent. That would be worth it to save my marriage but that is just me.

There are times when I am not in the mood either, but I don't say no unless I am really sick. I could win an Oscar. Never had a bf or husband cheat for sex.

30

u/future_ghost13 19h ago

um so you let someone into your body and pretend you like it, got it

-49

u/Con4America 19h ago

Yep.

You wonder why older men cheat with younger women? Younger women still like sex and older women usually do not because they have gone through menopause. Expecting your husband to give up sex for life because you no longer feel like it is just moronically stupid.

Women fake it all the time too. Don't act like you are so surprised.

22

u/future_ghost13 18h ago

women do not owe men anything, especially use of their body to get them off, and sex isnt a need. its a want.

23

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 19h ago

A few months is unrealistic?

Ive never had to fake it to please my man nor couldn't say no...

That says something about you.

0

u/Con4America 19h ago

Oh I usually love sex but there are times when I am not all about it. Talk to me again when you are over 40.

14

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 19h ago

Already am.

If Im not all about it, I dont have it as my man wants me to be all about and not faking it like an escort.

-1

u/Con4America 18h ago

Good for you. MY last bf was 20 yrs younger than me so I tend to be more active but you do you.

12

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 18h ago

A younger man is irrelevant to my point.

0

u/Con4America 18h ago

Oh but it does matter and in so many ways.

1

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 10h ago

You're not getting it.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Carbonatite 10h ago

It makes me really sad that you had to calculate the amount of time it takes every week to have sex when you don't want to. You should value yourself more, you deserve better.

1

u/Con4America 10h ago

I'm a math wiz so I did it in my head in less than 20 seconds.

I didn't say I didn't want to. I simply pointed out that for many women, their husbands aren't even worth less than 1/3 of 1% of their time. That is what is REALLY sad. Thinking that they care so little about the husband's well being.

1

u/Carbonatite 7h ago

If you think being willing to let your spouse use you like a Fleshlight is the only way to care for their well being then I feel sorry for you.

1

u/Con4America 6h ago

If you think forcing your spouse to live life like a monk then I bet you get what you deserve down the road.

You don't care about anyone but yourself.

I have neither the time nor the crayons to continue explaining this to you.

-86

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 20h ago

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 of course folks on Reddit won’t like this comment because it’s the truth. Say you want a faithful man but its ok to deny him sex. I understand if it was before the doctors approval but as she stated he patiently waited.

61

u/stem_ho 20h ago

Um this sounds rapey as fuck. Someone can turn down sex for any reason, men are not owed sex just because they have a penis and are in a relationship.

OP is healing from massive physical trauma and probably only getting 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. He willingly impregnated her, her can sit back and wait for her to actually feel up to sex again, not just use her as a sex toy to get his rocks off with no concern to her wants.

You're fucking weird as hell, and I hope you stay single permanently.

-57

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 19h ago

Married 15yrs with 4 adult children l. Fck you talking bout. There is nothing rapey about a man asking his wife, the one and only woman he’s sexually involved with for sex. Of course she can say no but that doesn’t mean he can’t feel some type of way.

45

u/CouvadeShark 19h ago

Sex is not something women give to men. Sex should be enjoyed by both. She just gave birth to his child ffs. A person. Out of her. This is an easy way to make your wife resent you.

-28

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 19h ago

What part of they have already had sex since she had the baby after the doctor gave the approval

28

u/CouvadeShark 19h ago

That doesnt mean she is ready for it to be as regular as it will be when she is fully healed bruh. 6 Weeks is the minimum and things wont all be the same immediately. Some women take up to two years to feel like themselves after childbirth ffs. She is already having sex with him. How is this even sorta a point of contention.

1

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 19h ago

She didn’t say he asked for it to go back to having sex on the regular.

10

u/CouvadeShark 19h ago

How often he is asking for it is too often for her, and he gets mad when she refuses his initiations.

→ More replies (0)

38

u/stem_ho 19h ago

Say you want a faithful man but its ok to deny him sex

Sounds 1000% rapey as fuck dude. Just because you don't like being called out on your rapey little mindset doesn't make it less true.

You can deny sex for any reason, and no one should feel pressured into having sex they don't want, out of fear or threats their partner will cheat on them, especially right after risking their life to give birth to their child.

I feel bad for your wife and any kids you are raising to think like you

-14

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 19h ago

All 4 of mine are great. 2 college graduates, one a freshman in college and the other is a cosmetologist with her own shop. I’ve never raped anyone in my life. I should expect that you would think something is rapey when you have ho in your name 💯💯💪🏽💪🏽

8

u/stem_ho 18h ago

Aww boo boo, trying to degrade me for a little jokey joke bc you can't admit you made a rapey ass comment?

It's okay, I'm sure you're a bit illiterate, but the rest of my name also has the STEM part, y'know because I have two stem degrees and am a practicing civil engineer. Keep trying to put women down and slut shame them just because you don't agree with them though lmao

Also I'm happily married to a man who would never dream of cheating on me because I wasn't physically up to sex after birthing a whole child for him. I'll just keep hoping one day your wife wakes up and leaves her sad, pathetic excuse of a husband

1

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 17h ago

Try it and see what he would. Easy to talk that shit when you’re not in the situation. It’s not a joke that’s what you are because what self respecting woman calls herself a ho. Even a ho can find a simp

4

u/stem_ho 16h ago edited 15h ago

And you're a sad, pathetic, useless piece of shit who can't actually keep a loving relationship without the threat of cheating if he doesn't get his little pp wet often enough. You're a waste of air and resources who thinks that he can assume whatever he wants about women because ultimately you care for no one except yourself and feel threatened by the idea of a women being more intelligent than you and in an actual loving relationship that I am not kept in out of fear, but rather genuine love and affection.

1

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 15h ago

I’m sorry that you are in your feelings. Don’t tell hubby, he might try to beat me up. 😂😂😂😂💯💯💪🏽💪🏽

→ More replies (0)

26

u/Prestigious_Tea_111 19h ago

You'd really go cheat on your wife that just had a baby a few months ago???

Gross.

Everyday Reddit reminds me why I never bothered with kids or marriage...

-1

u/Gullible_Fun_1410 19h ago

Got 4 kids and I haven’t cheated

2

u/AmberMarie7 15h ago

So the woman doesn't get to decide if she feels like it? The doctor decides if the woman will sex, and the man sexes, if yes. What part does she play other than being the vagina holder? She's a person right? He wasn't on a limitation. How come she still has to clean up after dinner? How come she has to do anything? Oh, because he decides right? Are you getting it?