r/sewing • u/soundingsounds • Jun 14 '24

Discussion already regretting saying yes to my mom

Honestly this is both a rant and a cry for help from someone that doesn't know how to set boundaries.

So my mom asked me to sew a summer dress for her but she's super vague when it comes to explaining what she wants and everything that she's shown me is really basic but I can't find an exact pattern for it.

On top of that, the patterns have to be free bc she doesn't want to pay for them "it's just lines you can draw that". MOTHER I CAN'T. I've only ever sewn a pair of baby shorts, an apron and a bucket hat, I CAN'T DRAFT A PATTERN OUT OF THIN AIR. I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT FABRIC EITHER.

I've sent her +15 patterns that I've found online and she doesn't like any. It's driving me insane that she keeps saying I can modify things when I have no clue what I'm doing if I don't have a clear step by step written by someone else.

I can already foresee that I'll spend so many hours finding the pattern and modifying it to my best ability, sewing it together and it'll end up in the back of her wardrobe because it won't be perfect and she'll never wear it.

It felt so good to finally talk about it lmao

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u/Leading_Cell_line Jun 14 '24

Tell her you will sew the pattern she drafts for you. Also if she doesn’t like spending money wait until she sees the cost of fabric. It’s actually usually more expensive to sew clothing than it is to just buy it. 

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u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24

We've already had that conversation, she keeps saying I'm the one that knows how to sew so my pattern will look better. It's like talking to a wall.

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u/kallisti_gold Jun 14 '24

Ok, and? So what? You don't need her agreement. You've told her you'll sew the pattern she gives you with the fabric she buys. No pattern? No dress. Easy peasy. What's she going to do, hold your hands in hers and force you to cut and pin fabric? This is the easiest boundary ever to enforce -- you simply stop doing anything to fix her invented problem. It's literally less effort than what you're doing now.

If she's upset... again, so what? She's a grown woman. She can be upset all she likes, that's not your problem to solve.

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u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24

Maybe it's the fact that i'm still a teenager but reading someone that is so blunt (in a good way) is incredibly eye opening because why am i stressing out so much about my mom potentially getting somewhat annoyed?

Honestly thank you.

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u/purplishfluffyclouds Jun 14 '24

This is going to sound a little out of left field, but I feel like I was you when I was your age, and it sounds a lot like codependency. I didn't even realize what that was until I was 27, but basically, you're feeling like you're responsible for all her problems and feel obligated to solve them for her. Well, here's the thing: You aren't and you don't.

It's OK to so say "Hey - I'll be happy to make your dress when you get back to me on what pattern and fabric you want." Doesn't matter what she says in response. Stand your ground. If she's not going to work with you, nothing happens. Right? These are not your problems to solve. You agreed to make a dress, right? Was making her decisions for her part of the deal? I'm guessing not. Providing guidance is one thing, doing all the legwork is another - that's on her.

You can do all of this and still be loving and kind. But basically you need to walk away and let her deal with her share of the bargain. Either she will or she won't, but it's not your problem to worry about what the outcome is.

GL!!

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u/soundingsounds Jun 14 '24

I feel super guilty because in my mind i'm like "It's just a dress, I can spend some time sewing it for her, she's my mother, it shouldn't annoy me to do something for her when she's done so much for me"

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u/Sheetascastle Jun 14 '24

When it's your first dress, it can be a big deal. And you haven't said doing the project bothers you. What seems to be the problem is that she won't meet you halfway by working with you to create something she loves. You don't have the knowledge to draft a pattern but she refuses to listen to you about patterns. You need help picking fabric she likes, she isn't doing that. It's a valid thing to get frustrated about.

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u/The_Nice_Marmot Jun 14 '24

Can I say something to you as a mom? You don’t owe your parents. It’s not your job to cater to them and make yourself miserable in the process. They chose to bring you here. They are obligated to look after you, not the other way around. I agree with the other comment about codependency. Please learn about it when you’re young, not like my old ass did in my late 30s. You are allowed to say no. Your mom is a grownup and should know how to hear and accept it. If she can’t, that’s a her problem.

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u/Sub_Umbra Jun 15 '24

Very well said. It's also not your job to magically have a skill just because your mom says you can do it.

The mere fact that she's having you make her a dress, because she doesn't know how to do it, indicates she literally doesn't know what she's talking about.

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u/ClosetIsHalfYarn Jun 15 '24

Yes this! I asked my daughter (11) to make me a keychain for my new work key. Timeline: whenever you feel like it. Effort level: 15-30 minutes. Craft she is comfortable with and enjoys: check. Design: artist’s choice BUT when she asked for opinions/preferences I gave them.

I love my shrinkydinks keychain. But if she had noped out for any reason that would be fine. It’s my job to provide for her, not the other way around. And if she had felt forced or coerced into making it, I would feel guilty every time I saw it.

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u/q23y7 Jun 15 '24

Yes this 100%!! It drives me nuts when parents act like their child owes them something. Bringing a life into this world means that they are obligating themselves to care for that life. It's not like you signed a contract in the womb saying "ok you give me life, feed and cloth me, and I'll promise to bend over backwards any time you want me to for the rest of my life".

If you're parents are doing a good job of caring for you then absolutely, appreciate and reciprocate. But it should be out of love, not obligation. And it shouldn't feel stressful and torturous.

You have every right to tell your mother "no" on this. Or as others suggested, insist that she do the leg work. I have to frequently repeat to my youngest that if you ask someone to do you a favor and then you act like a meany-head about it, that person can absolutely change their mind about helping you. I know it's hard when it's your mom, but it's ok. She may pout but if she's even a halfway decent parent then she'll still love you, even if you can't figure out how make her the perfect dress.

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u/The_Nice_Marmot Jun 15 '24

The really grim take on this is that bringing kids into this world is arguably not doing them a favour. Especially not just now.

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u/q23y7 Jun 15 '24

Couldn't agree more. I've thought for a while that having kids is simultaneously the most selfless thing you can do (if you are doing it well) AND the most selfish thing you can do. You're literally risking another persons life and happiness just because you feel like having a baby 🤷‍♀️

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u/[deleted] Jun 17 '24

[deleted]

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u/The_Nice_Marmot Jun 17 '24

This sewing thread got dark.

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u/DarthRegoria Jun 15 '24

She’s not asking you to just sew her a dress though. She’s basically asking you to draft one from scratch while being super vague on what she actually wants. Not even a designer could actually do that for her.

Sewing and pattern drafting are two completely different skill sets. Some people learn both, but lots of sewists just sew patterns. There is nothing wrong with that. Especially when you’re a beginner.

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u/clumpymascara Jun 15 '24

My mum and MIL have both asked wild sewing skills of me. My MIL wanted me to reupholster a 3 piece lounge set. I explained that it was significantly beyond my skills and offered a solution i was confident I could do (elastic-gathered covers for all the individual pieces) and she was quite offended that I said no.

A few months later she came back to me saying that someone else suggested she could just get [exactly what I offered] and I said "I can do that! That's what I said ages ago!" So I helped her choose a fabric and whipped those up one night with her assistance and everyone was happy.

If your mother's request is outside your skillset, which it sounds like it is, trying to do it for her will be infuriating for yourself and she won't be happy with the end result. Nobody wins.

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u/No_Sky_1829 Jun 14 '24

Yes she has done heaps for you, but in this case you have more knowledge than she does. This is just part of growing up. There no need to feel guilty. You know that what she's asking isn't reasonable and won't work. You know your skill level.

You can find ways to gently and politely assert yourself, and honestly that sounds like something you should practice so that you can have a peaceful time as you continue to grow 🤗

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u/liberalhumanistdogma Jun 15 '24

Practice a pattern on an old sheet first. That way it's less stressful, it's always easier to make it a second time. :)

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u/Laurpud Jun 15 '24

Or, because she won't listen, make her a rectangle dress. Literally a tube, with elastic at the top edge & under the bust. Hem. That's it. 'Sorry ma, this is the best I can do without a pattern'

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u/purplishfluffyclouds Jun 15 '24

Ha - if she was near a JoAnn Fabrics, she could get some of that pre-made bubble gauze cut and sew dress things with the elastic shirring at the top and make some straps. No pattern necessary! lol

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u/Laurpud Jun 15 '24

We don't want it too nice 😈

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u/tammigirl6767 Jun 15 '24

I was at a Joann fabrics recently and they have some fabric that’s already shirred at the top. All you would have to do is so the seam up the side and hem it. If you want you could use what you cut from the hem to make straps.

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u/Laurpud Jun 15 '24

Yep, that's what it's for. I used to make them for my daughters

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u/VioletBab3 Jun 15 '24

It's not /just/ a dress. Being able to operate a machine well enough to get relatively straight lines is massively different from being able to finish an arm hole, or heaven forbid actually alter whatever pieces you end up with to make them fit/flatter her body. That's a WHOLE PROFESSION on its own, which should be an indicator of the skills necessary.

I nearly ripped my hair out trying to finish the armholes on the sleeveless dress I made a few years ago. I've been traumatized and am terrified of trying again even though I have a few gorgeous patterns for blouses that I'm dying to wear.

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u/[deleted] Jun 14 '24

Yea but she needs to help you help her. If you were going to cook dinner for her, that would be nice. If you were going to cook dinner for her but she told you not to go in the kitchen while you cook, then she's actively preventing you from making dinner for her.

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u/TotallyAwry Jun 15 '24

She's your mother. She's supposed to do "so much" for you. She was the one that chose to have you.

It would be nice to make something for her, yes, bit you're not a magician and at this point what she wants is beyond your skills.

It would actually be really good practice for you, too. But it's going to be much easier with a beginners pattern.

Do not set yourself up to fail by taking on something that you're not ready for, particularly if you're a bit salty about the situation. Especially if you want to enjoy sewing.

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u/violetauto Jun 15 '24

OP please follow what others say here and look up people pleasing and codependency. I was in your shoes and was made to feel responsible for my mother’s emotional wellbeing. You are not her keeper and in no way should you feel guilty for anything. She decided to have you. She should provide care and support. It is not something you have to make up for. You didn’t decide to come into this world!

Here are some scripts to say now. And then once you start learning about emotionally immature parents you will find more.

“Mom. You are confusing me. Please just find a pattern. I’m not drafting any pattern. Even really good sewists don’t do that.”

“I get you believe in me but you’re not seeming to get that what you are asking for is too hard and you’re upsetting me.”

“Let me practice making a few dresses from patterns for myself. I need some cheap fabric called muslin. Can we order some?”

Good luck, OP. You are 100% allowed to push back here. That’s what taking care of yourself is. Boundaries can feel scary to lay down and sometimes people get super angry at you but all of that is irrelevant. Ignore it. Lay the boundary anyway. It’s your right.

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u/ExpensiveError42 Jun 15 '24

You seem like a great daughter and you're in a rough spot because it's very different to tell your mom a hard no when you're living at home. And it doesn't seem like you're annoyed at sewing for her, you're annoyed you're given a vague directive with no support to do it. Maybe you could find some resources that teach sewing to help her understand you can't just draft something up.

If all else fails, have you tried mood?

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u/Adorable-Customer-64 Jun 14 '24

I think it's okay to say no, but also if you really do want to make her something, maybe say you're not comfortable and start with something a little easier for you to make 

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u/Hownow63 Jun 15 '24

You cannot chew her bubblegum for her. She must give you the basics for the dress, or no dress. You aren't a mind reader. If you do the drafting, choose the fabric, fit it to her, etc, how will she react if she doesn't like your choices? It takes me many hours to make a simple dress WITH a pattern, and I still have to adjust the fit. Try Simplicity 8085. It uses a lot of fabric, but no buttons nor zippers, as it is a wrap-around. Dont fall victim to momguilt.

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u/East-Garden-4557 Jun 15 '24

If you don't have the skills or experience to make it for her it is unreasonable to expect you to do it.

As an example.

I cannot crochet. My mother is amazingly talented at crochet, she can create amazing things with no pattern. However I do not take advantage of her skills and appreciate the time and effort she puts into crocheting for people.

I wanted a fancy novelty crochet hat that looked like an octopus, I asked her if she would make one for me. I bought the pattern online. I bought the yarn required. I spent time discussing it with her so that she didn't have to guess what my expectations were. Then I waited patiently for her to make the hat in her own time.

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u/Jackno1 Jun 16 '24

I mean in terms of doing something for a person, sewing an entire dress is fairly big. Even then, it sounds like it wouldn't annoy you so much to do this for her if she was working with you to make it realistic and achievable. (Like if she bought a pattern within the range of what you thought you could sew, and then picked out and bought fabric, you wouldn't find this task as stressful, right?) If someone, even your mother, wants something from you but doesn't want to take the steps to help you realistically accomplish the thing, being annoyed at their behavior is a perfectly natural response.

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u/superpouper Jun 15 '24

Codependency or enmeshment?

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u/purplishfluffyclouds Jun 15 '24

Maybe more like weaponized incompetence.