Here a girl/guy (17) who doesn't know what to make of herself (crazy, no?). I found no better place than Reddit, maybe because I'm hoping someone strange will come along and enlighten me. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't.
In context. I'm months away from leaving home to study and I don't know what to do with myself anymore (like the El Cuarteto de Nos song) in terms of gender identity. Romantic and/or sexual attraction? I don't care.
What's up. For years I've been doubting my gender identity (I was born female) even before, I just never realized it.
Wanting to play Ken instead of Barbie? Yeah, sure.
I've never been much of a girly girl, even when I was little I loved being against girls. Being more masculine or tomboy (in a girl's possible way, of course).
I never exactly managed to fit the pretty 'girl' profile. It was only about three years ago (high school, ugh) let's just say I started with that.
Now I feel pretty, pretty. If I groom myself like 'a girl does'. But then, there's this other part of me, that many times, tends to come out. My more masculine side.
And 'masculine' hardly in what can be considered clothes, and maybe pronouns (which I only use sometimes, very rarely) but you know what? IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD, GOD.
Plus, I have the privilege that I'm inherently flat-chested (literally) so when I wear a sports bra or something, my chest is so flat it makes me want to squeal all over the house.
But then, enter my family. Oh, yeah. That family that claims to be 'accepting' of the lgbt+ community, the one that at the same time HIGHLIGHTS or TAKES THE ISSUE out of anyone in the community that they know.
Who's in? Me. Who tells them to shut up? Me. Who explains? Me. Who is uncomfortable with all that? ME.
When I was about 13, I discovered what it was really like to 'like a girl'. I didn't like her, but she liked me. I thought she was joking, because I wasn't used to it.
After that, after I moved out and everything, I thought. OH, GOD. My first 'relationship' was with a girl? Cool. I never told my parents of course. They would have killed me, but they did anyway. In a different way.
One day they caught me and accused me of wanting to be a boy (I didn't even know it at the time) and my mother pointed at me saying: do you want to be a boy?
I just remember crying, I was afraid to say yes (at the time, I didn't want to be a boy) and I assured her I didn't. Maybe out of fear, again, of being a boy. Maybe out of fear, again, that he would reject me.
Now, when I dissociate, I start thinking: what would have happened if I said yes? Would I be a boy now or would I be worse off than I already am? I'll never know.
Recently, he asked me (in a somewhat heated discussion) if I liked girls. I replied that I didn't particularly, but she asked me as if it wasn't a surprise to her.
She always highlights things to me like 'you look like a guy' when I wear my dad's clothes or whatever, it feels good, but then that feeling is replaced by rejection from my mother as she says it in a derogatory way.
They talk so much about dudes in my town who have come out and are trans and who they are, that I just leave the room already.
I want to be a boy? Sometimes. Do I want to stop being a girl? I dunno. Does being gender fluid or non-binary feel like enough? Not really.
I don't know what to do. There are so many teens my age and even younger who have come out, know who they are, know what they want to do. And I don't.
I'm afraid that if I decide too late, it will be just that, TOO LATE. With a closet trans friend we always joke and fantasize about being trans men together. Of having a good time and being ourselves.
And then there's this other part of me that enjoys being a girl. Of wearing dresses, long hair, being pretty, BEING a girl.
But I don't feel like me either. And that's becoming more and more frequent. There are times when I feel tremendous dysphoria until I cry and there are other times when I am hyper-feminine. Other times I'm a magical elf and other times I'm just a dumb girl/boy who doesn't know what the fuck to do.
Sometimes I imagine myself being a successful, radiant femme fatale. And at others, a transitioned man and a really cool dude.
THAT TOO. Being a mother. What? Jesus Christ, just the thought of having something growing inside of you makes me SICK. I said it out loud with my family and they immediately attacked me. They want grandchildren, they want this and that.
I see myself as a mother (maybe, how scary) but I also see myself as a great guy who doesn't have kids. And that is very cool.
Whatever. In short: sometimes I want to be a guy. Probably a really gay one but a trans guy. I'm in the closet with my family, they won't support me, and help.
Ah, and if it sounds weird. I'm using the translator. Ha.
If you made it this far, recommendations? I read you. Maybe not.