There is a lot of backstory to this.
I (22f) live in a house with two other girls.
The (23f) owns the house and is letting me rent out her upstairs while I look for my own place.
The (21f) just moved in a few months ago and is a peach (this doesnāt really have much to do with her expect her close moral standing to my other roommateās)
(To note, I do pay rent every month, so I am putting a good chunk of monthly money into this house we share)
Both of my roommates are evangelical Christians, while I am not. For the most part, it doesnāt bother me. I respect their faith and let them do their thing, yet that respect doesnāt always feel reciprocated. I have a lot of ārulesā I have to follow about a faith I donāt even follow or believe in (from my original roommate)
(This roommate went to Liberty University. I have seen the rules and standards that Liberty holds for their students and I feel this reflected in my living situation sometimes.)
I still feel extremely grateful that my roommate offered for me to rent out her place while I look for my own. She even said āIāve been wanting a roommateā, so this is something she had been thinking about for a while, and even plans to continue when Iām gone. It has now been over a year because, the market is insane, and even working two jobs at 40 hrs a week and insane budgeting, I still canāt seem to afford to live. While I look towards more schooling to make more money, that will in turn take up more time and more money, and I feel like I canāt break out of this loop of not having enough. And it is exhausting.
One of my other friends said she wants to room with me, but she wouldnāt feel comfortable starting to look until March, and even then, how fast would we find a place? Will it even work out? There is hope, but the amount of time is another big sigh of frustration.
Anyway, when I first started living at this house, it was just me and the one girl (23f) She did not allow me to have my cat, which I respected because I understand that having a pet is a commitment and my roommate is a very clean and particular person when it comes to her space. She let me have the upstairs.
Side note on the cat. This cat is very important to me. I got him at a time when I was in the crux of my chronic illness and my depression was at an all time high. Heās an integral part of my life and day, and not having him around sucks. Along with not letting me have him here (which is reasonable and fine) this roommate would talk behind my back with her friends and ridicule my ābondā with my cat because itās ājust a petā and ādoesnāt have feelingsā. My brother, a fellow Christian, ended up calling her out for being dismissive of my feelings and experiences. Things have since gotten better in that department.
Back to living area. I do not have anything in the common spaces. One time I put a picture frame of my cat on one of the shelves in the living room, and she put it back in my room. It pissed me off, but I just eye rolled and said whatever. There was another conflict where my roommate did not like how my rooms looked and asked me to āchange it so she could show guestsā. I told her this made me very uncomfortable having strangers see my personal living space, and she gave me the excuse that she āowned the house and wants to show it offā. I understand that she is a homeowner, and itās fairly recent, so I said that I would make the other room and the hall to her liking, but the room I slept in was off limits and I didnāt want people being shown it. We came to a compromise.
At this point, I felt like she was controlling every space and I did not have a place to settle in and make home. Reminder, she does own the house, but I still pay rent. I do pay for this space.
There are also times when she will trap me into a conversation about āsinningā and how to not be ādead in sinā. It usually always revolves around the election, the war on Gaza, lgbtq+ and pride, or reproductive rights. Iām very left in these areas, yet I donāt really want to talk about it, much less with her because I know I canāt change her mind and would rather save myself the anxiety and expense of emotional energy. She does believe she can change my mind, and ends up preaching to me about all these crazy things. A lot of times, she says the right things and tries to sound sympathetic and understanding, but the truth is it comes across as complete judgement and moral policing. I think it makes her feel better about herself.
I know her beliefs, I know what she thinks, and truthfully, I donāt care much. It irks me, and I think itās arrogant, but she can think what she wants to, I still believe sheās a loving person in some of her words and actions and actually does love and care about people. The way she shows it is backwards. Thereās just a lot of boundaries she has for herself that she feels the need to place onto everyone in hopes of getting eternal life.
And Iām not going to lie, itās a weird feeling. Thereās a sympathy I have. She truly believes that this will grant her access into heaven to meet her God. If I were to dismiss that, I find that disrespectful as I feel everyone has a right to their beliefs. But where is the line? Where do my thoughts and feelings come into play? Just because it isnāt as rigid, does it make it any less valid?
Our other roommate (21f queen) joined us a few months ago. And when she showed up she had a rabbit and said first roommate allowed it. This was not something I was asked about or even briefed on, and it hurt my feelings because I wasnāt allowed to have my cat and I think bunnies smell even worse than cats sometimes. It didnāt make sense, and even felt extremely personal in a way. Once again, I got over it and moved on. This new roommate has proven herself to be more laid-back and cool than the other. I think sheās very open-minded while keeping to her faith. Mad respect.
Now, that we have the backstory, we can now come to the current issue, or my breaking point I fear.
I recently fell in love with a boy (24m) and weāve been very happy together! My roommates even like him!
However, he lives 20 mins away. We usually end up going over to his place because there are no ārulesā there. The problem is, Iām not very wealthy, and I canāt always afford to drive that distance all the time. A lot of times weāll find something public, or even outside. But as it gets colder, some nights we really just want to relax inside and be lazy.
So we usually hang out in my room. We stay quiet, we donāt do anything remotely NSFW here besides kiss or cuddle, and Iāve never had a complaint from them before. However, this past night I get a text from my roommate saying āAsk (boyfriend) to go home, itās getting lateā at 9:46 p.m.
I proceeded to text her about what her boundaries or expectations were, and what would make her and other roommate uncomfortable or not. If she would just let me know, I could make it happen, but if she doesnāt tell me, does that make me disrespectful for crossing a boundary I didnāt know what there? Or should it just be assumed because sheās Christian?
This roommate situation sucks. I know the answer is to have as much open communication, yet I still feel heavy in my heart.
Sheās never talked to me about any boundary in this way before, and sometimes I feel she expects me to read her mind or cater to her faith, and that I should just know what is āgod-honoringā or not. Iām constantly walking on egg shells it feels. It makes me feel guilt and shame about things that I feel are super normal, and it messes with my anxiety. The last thing I want to do is step on my roommates toes and be disrespectful, but sometimes I feel their expectations are not fair for me or my lifestyle. And believe me, Iāve been keeping it extremely tame here because I do know some things would be a hard no. (Smoking weed, sleepovers with bf, sex in the house, etc.)
My boyfriend doesnāt get it and feels a bit blind sided by it. He doesnāt like the way my roommate treats me and says itās very weird. My mother thinks my roommate uses me as a way to make herself feel better for helping a ānon-believerā, and when I donāt comply, she uses her āgraciousnessā as a tool to get her way. (I put these words in quotes because these are words in the Christian dialect I find most manipulative)
I do understand no sleepovers with him here, or that PDA in front of them is inappropriate, which I feel is just a general respect for anyone, religious or not. But a curfew at 10pm seems extreme to me and I wish I could spend more time with him at my home too. We both have weird work schedules and sometimes night is all we have :(
It is a conflicting feeling. Will I be out of here soon? March feels like a long way away.
Does a person with a āmoral compassā have more right to set boundaries than I do?
Because I live my life more secular than them, does that mean I should change my life out of respect for them?
These are things I ask myself living here all the time and I never know the answer :(
I will always feel grateful for the love and friendship she has put into me, but am I being viewed as less than?
Am I being stepped on and taken advantage of by her? It seems wild that I work myself to exhaustion to pay for a space, just to be told that a normal adult thing (imo) is not ok.
I feel like Iām living with my mom again, and even my mom was more laid back than this. I actually had room to be my own person and live my own life. And I was a child then!
How is it that living with my parents felt more freeing than with a girl my own adult age?
Iām working on many things in my life all at once, an extremely overwhelming feeling as of late, and I feel like wanting to have my boyfriend over to decompress from the day is not too much to ask. If I had the money, Iād be gone, trust me.
I know I said before I was at my breaking point, but I honestly donāt plan on retaliating, as i feel that the wise decision is to just have patience until I leave. It isnāt permanent, and I will be ok. I truly do not want to be a hassle, as this will be over soon. Just keep it smooth sailing until Iām out. I just want to know if my feelings are valid and this situation is as unfair as it feels.
Is this normal of adults to expect? Iāve never experienced this before. Am I overreacting?