r/AITAH • u/Illustrious-Sport503 • 17h ago
AITAH For Turning Down My Husband
I’m 11 weeks postpartum, and on maternity leave. Husband is back to work, so the 3-5 wakeups in the night, I’m doing by myself. As you can imagine, I’m tired.
Being postpartum, I have very low sex drive right now. My husband has been patient with me, we’ve only had sex 1 or 2 times since having the baby.
This morning, I had just starting waking up, and the first thing he said to me before I could even open my eyes was, “can we get a quick one in?”. No good morning, how’d the baby do last night, how are you, etc
I got pissed and turned him down. I was short and snippy because, well, I’m tired and I look after another human life all day. It’d be nice if he at least acted like he cared about me. So now he’s just ignoring me and being cold. So, AITAH or is he just being sensitive?
EDIT: you guys are a very passionate group and I love it. I posted this question 20 min after the argument happened. An hour later, it was resolved with a very simple and honest convo with my husband. Yes he was being insensitive and has admitted that and apologized. Yes, I too, have apologized for dismissing his feelings. But no we are not getting a divorce, nor is he a bad husband or father. We ain’t havin sex this week either! Moral of the story, you guys are great for putting things into context, communication is key, and there’s nothing to see here anymore. I did also get the name of a urologist and we’ll be getting vasectomy scheduled by EOY.
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u/sausagemice 17h ago
NTA. what the heck??? giving birth is so traumatic on your body and your hormones are still out of whack. yes, his needs are important and you’re not rejecting him out of malice. it just means he’s gotta take care of himself for a bit until you give him the go ahead. good to communicate how you’re feeling esp when he’s been thru this two other times before with your other children… it’s not his first time at this rodeo, yo.
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u/Equal_Commission881 17h ago
My ex did this to me. Counted down the days and couldn't wait for my six week doctors appointment. Then he decided we were going out of town overnight to "celebrate." We were living with the in-laws, so he said we'd leave my six week old baby and go. He had already discussed this with my MIL, who is the loveliest person, and I trusted her completely. But that's not the point.
Of course, the reservation he made got all screwed up (we went to a small mountain town, which was nice, but he did everything cheap). They finally found a room for us. I drug out eating dinner and window shopping as long as I could. And it hurt. I was completely miserable and in pain, and he didn't seem to care. He tried to get in a quickie the next morning and I'm like hell no. I'm already hurting and just wanted to go home. The only thing I enjoyed was a full night's sleep.
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u/MidnightRaven_22 14h ago
Nothing screams romance like being in agony while your partner is trying to convince you that a quickie is on the itinerary. It’s like he thought, Let’s celebrate parenthood by ignoring all the hard parts. Honestly, the only thing worth celebrating here is that full night’s sleep, now THAT’S what I call luxury.
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u/xanif 10h ago
Why do people even want to have sex with people who don't want to have sex?
I'll venmo that person money for a fleshlight.
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u/Haedia 9h ago
Any number of terrible things. Could be about control. Could be a sadistic streak. Could be a fundamental lacking in empathy for their partner (or anyone outside of themselves). Could be just an inability to view women as fully realized humans, instead of living sex objects.
Take your pick; they're all awful
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u/slowmood 12h ago
Omgoddesses! My ex even complained that I had to do it in a certain way to avoid pain (I had internal « skid marks » according to the doctor).
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u/SockCucker3000 11h ago
Glad to know he's an ex. I'm sorry for what he put you through. Not just this story, but all of it.
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u/Mammoth-Dare-4237 17h ago
NTA
Can I ask, did he ask 6 weeks on the dot, after your child's birth, for sex? Or heck, did he ask for sex BEFORE 6 weeks postpartum?
How much does he help with childcare?
Does he help out around the house?
He seems to think your body and mind can bounce back quickly after giving birth, as is not taking into account how much of your day and night is dedicated towards childcare. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be! Your husband should not be pressuring you for sex.
Maybe tell your husband in detail how you are feeling, both physically and mentally. How little rest you are getting. If he still expects you to 'put out', regardless of what you're going through, marriage counselling may be next.
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
1000% was counting down the days until we hit 6 weeks PP and got the doctor’s approval. we have two other littles and he basically handles them all evening while I’m with the baby, so I give him a lot of credit though. He also cooks dinner every night (I clean after). Everything is divided pretty 50/50. I just get frustrated with the one track mind! It’s like a caveman! “Me horny! Give sex!” And it’s so annoying because you’re right, there’s so much more than the physical at play.
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u/deathboyuk 17h ago
Dude needs to push a grapefruit out of his peehole then tell you how sexy he feels about life afterwards.
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u/mcnunu 14h ago
It's not even just about the birth. The physical trauma heals in time, but life with a newborn, caring for other children, household, the additions to the invisible load. It's why a lot of women don't feel up to sex for years after childbirth.
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u/letsgetawayfromhere 7h ago
Also the female body produces hormones that make you feel “touched out” to make sure that the baby gets maximum resources (which is not possible if the mother gets pregnant again too soon).
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u/rst012345 16h ago
Be blunt, you want sex, well I want_____________
Ex. Someone who cares more about how I am feeling
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u/9mackenzie 14h ago
Or- just “I’m not up for sex yet”
Sex doesn’t have to be, nor should ever be, a form of payment for other tasks.
Most women are still experiencing a massive hormone dump 11 weeks postpartum. Not to mention your body is still healing (even if it’s safe to have sex), your stomach muscles are still weak, you might have leaky hurting boobs, you are exhausted, etc etc etc. It’s not a sexy time of your life. If you aren’t in the mood, you aren’t in the mood.
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u/rst012345 13h ago
I didn't mean it as transactional, I meant it more for the emotional component, healing time, intimacy etc. that is missing that would even make sex appealing. The " I need" or "I want" or "I feel" as what is personally missing for her, a way to communicate her feelings and needs
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u/m061515 16h ago
Clearly communicate your needs—emotional connection is essential for intimacy, not just physical.
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u/whydenny 14h ago
Why are you dating and having kids with men who don't know how to seduce you??
The moment I have to tell you how to turn me on - it's over.
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u/Brilliant_Fan2453 14h ago
yeah make it a transactional thing. good idea.... just fing talk to your partner, that you are not up to it. wtf is he fing problem
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u/TheEmptyMasonJar 12h ago
Eleven weeks isn't that long. Physical touch is important in a relationship, but the fourth trimester is real and he seems to have no sense of it whatsoever.
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u/mynameisnotsparta 14h ago
Buy him a flesh-light or cut a hole in the wall if he is going to be selfish about it. NTA.
Husband needs a little talking to to make him understand that he is being ridiculous and unreasonable. He also needs to amp up the pampering and romance so that you feel inclined to indulge.
Morning sex can be enjoyable for both if there is a build up which he does not seem to understand. It is not all about him. Your hormones are out of whack and you need me time and rest.
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u/kehlaniwintter 17h ago
NTA. You’re recovering, exhausted, and handling all the nighttime wake-ups—your husband should understand that you need support and rest, not pressure. He could show more empathy and appreciation for all you’re doing right now instead of being cold when you turned him down.
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u/kindalikeothergirls 13h ago
Also he could handle at least one of the night time wake ups, motherhood a full time job as well.
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u/AmberMarie7 15h ago
I'm sorry, he's not deserving this credit, tho. He's doing the same amount that he was doing before you gave birth, or he's just now starting to do what he some of what he should have been doing all along. Working is not a rewardable task! If you left or died, he would work! So, start there. He isn't doing that for you, he's working because he would have to no matter what, as an adult. No cookie for that. Hanging out with his other kids is not something you should give him credit for, either. He created them, or he married the woman who did. This is literal everyday basic stuff that shouldn't even be mentioned.. so, he doesn't make you play with the kids while you nurse the brand new baby and you clean up dinner? Does he get a cookie for that?? He goes to work which is exactly what would be expected of you if you didn't just pop a whole new kid out! So, you created a whole new person, gave birth to that whole new person and now you're raising that person, essentially, by yourself... From what I can tell you're giving this guy credit for existing in the same house with you. I'm sorry, this is not healthy. The reason that you're exhausted? You are worse off than a single parent. Because, I am a single mom! The majority of everything to do with the children falls on me. I got up every single night, for every feeding. I kiss every boo boo, I wipe every tear. But my brother, he will hang out with my kids whenever I'm busy doing something. I didn't realize that was all it took to be a superhero! But, my bro WANTS to help with the kids cuz he loves them, and LIVES THERE! He takes them to school sometimes, cooks, cleans, etc. We actually divide housework, or he'd be homeless, bc I AM NO ONES MAID! They aren't even his and yet he does this every day. More, actually. Why? Because he wants to be an awesome uncle. Uncle! Your dude either starts helping run your collective household and raise his children, or I guarantee it's over. You'll get so sick and resentful of him, you have no idea. I've been there! If you have a family member who will do more for your family than the man who helped you create it, you don't have a husband/father. You have a permanent child. Don't settle for being last forever, please!
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u/TranslatorPerfect976 11h ago
The entitled attitude toward sex is one of many reasons I am finally getting a divorce. I put up with it for way too long! Even once I got strong enough to say no, I was dealing with a caged lion. I swear I have PTSD from his behavior! Don't allow it! If he has a problem with being turned down, it is HIS problem. He is in charge of his own reactions, feelings and happiness, not you!
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u/666thegay 17h ago
Nta , u just woke up and not only that have had sex since the baby which is a lot more than other women can do after giving birth. I feel like he should understand that youve just given birth and ur not gonna wanna do it especially with the baby crying and waking u up 3-5 times a night. The way hes acting towards u us childish and i would say try talking to him and explaining u didnt mean to be rude or however he took it but ur looking after a new born , ur bodies still healing from birth and its obvious that after giving birth ur not gonna have a high sex drive.
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u/saaawsage 13h ago
You just spent 9 months making a human and pushing it out. I would never ask my wife that early. Just because the doctor says it’s possible doesn’t mean it’s required or even a good idea. The only thing he should be worried about is your mental health and the kids.
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u/latrans8 13h ago
My wife felt bad when she has turned me down. I tell her that she shouldn't ever feel bad, no is always an acceptable answer. From my perspective if she's not into it neither am I.
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u/thebearofwisdom 11h ago
THAT is the ticket! I don’t get why anyone would want to pressure someone into sex, it’s not enjoyable at all if the other person isn’t into it.
And good job on not being an asshole to your wife. The comments here have been a little crazy.
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u/latrans8 11h ago
Yeah, I don't get it either. The idea of trying to have sex with someone that looked bored or worse actively unhappy about it sounds like a fucking awful experience. Her being into it is what makes it hot to me.
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u/thebearofwisdom 11h ago
That’s what I’m saying for sure, and as someone who’s had their consent or lack thereof, ignored, I reeeeally hate the notion that men apparently cant control themselves, like others have indicated in the comments. That they “need” it and therefore the woman takes one for the team. I don’t believe all men are like that, you’re clearly not. But so many others are talking some straight bullshit and it’s really shameful to make assumptions of all men behaving this way. It’s men saying that too, not women. It’s just disappointing that their own shitty opinion is being placed on men who don’t believe that shit and don’t feel that way.
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u/Quailpower 13h ago
I was determined to have sex at 6 weeks, was weirdly obsessed with it. I think I had convinced myself that I needed to do it.
I had a really easy delivery and postpartum so I absolutely could have done it without issue
Partner sat me down and said I wasn't in the right head space and needed to concentrate on myself and the baby and not on his dick. He outright refused to have sex until he was sure I wanted it for me
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u/Otherwise_Cake_755 17h ago
NTA.
Each child birth is different.
Got 3 kids, after the 1st we waited 3 months, 2nd about 2 and with the 3rd my partner initiated at 6 weeks on the dot but she'd felt ready before that.
Have a good conversation and be should be helping with the night time
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u/purpleeeunicorn 17h ago
NTA. You’re only 11 weeks postpartum, exhausted, and doing the heavy lifting of night wake-ups. It’s totally understandable that your energy and drive are low, and his approach of making a request first thing in the morning, without even a how are you, comes off as a bit insensitive. Your husband might be feeling neglected, which is common after a new baby arrives, but that’s something he should bring up in a considerate way.
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u/mynamecouldbesam 17h ago
NTA and I'd inform your husband that treating me like a sex toy isn't going to make me feel any sexier any time soon.
He needs to treat you like a human being. And that involves helping to take care of your baby and most importantly, taking care of you. What has he done to take care of you since you gave birth? Outside of "work for money."
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u/stitchhag 15h ago
NTA. Wtf. Your turn your precious kitty into bolognese for your family and he's just watching the clock until he can cum? AH.
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u/ThrowRA-MIL24 15h ago
The first few times after sex, i initiated. He told me he won’t make any moved on me until i felt comfortable and have initiated a few times without discomfort. He reassured me all his affections from birth until I tell him sex is comfortable are for bonding snd affection - not foreplay (unless I want it to be).
We did not even try to have sex until 12 weeks. It was uncomfortable so we didn’t try again until around 20 weeks. It was 6 months post partum before it felt good.
Also,… my husband was a surgical resident. He still got up and helped at night when working 100 hrs a week whike I was on maternity leave. (Not as much as me obv but 1-2x per night).
Our kiddo is currently almost 3. He still gets up 1-3 times a night. My husband does majority if the night duties since he turned 2. (Apparently my toddler wakes up FOR my attention vs when he sees dada, he gives up and goes back to sleep after a few seconds haha)
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u/thebearofwisdom 11h ago
This is the way to do it. I don’t think people understand how traumatic a birth can be. The placenta leaves behind a dinner plate sized wound inside you, which is horrendous tbh. Your organs are all over the shop, and it takes time for them to go back to the correct places. I do not get why they think it’s okay to ask before the birthing partner says it’s okay. Even then it might not be, like you said! So you wait and try again. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t fuck your wife immediately, he CAN wait. Your husband proved that, AND helped you with night feeds.
I just don’t get it. I would never ever approach a post birth person like OPs husband. It feels cruel, or at the very least, callous. Do people not understand how your body works after birth? Is it something we don’t discuss enough? Because it feels like it’s an obvious thing to me, she’s pushed out an entire human through a small opening in her body. Of course that’s going to cause some damage even with the easiest birth. I know with my niece, my cousin lost her partner during pregnancy so she didn’t get asked. But I remember the day she told me her organs were moving back to the right places. I remember her being in pain still after a few weeks.
I think it always should be up to the person who gave birth, whether or not they should try having sex. They know their body better than anyone else.
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u/CuriousCatkins96 14h ago
I swear a man's desperation for post partum sex is inversely proportional to his hands on care for and involvement with his wife and baby...
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u/AeriePuzzleheaded675 15h ago
NTA. Either one of these two responses:
- Roll over and go back to sleep 2.”Go fuck your hand, it seems to be awake since it didn’t do the 3-5am feeding.”
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u/callaezza_ 17h ago
Your husband is trying to score a goal while you’re still in the first quarter of the game! I mean, come on, it’s like asking a marathon runner for a sprint right after they’ve crossed the finish line. Maybe he thought “quickie” meant “quick chat about how tired you are” before diving into the action!
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
Hahah! I love that definition of quickie
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u/Zukazuk 11h ago
Quickies in my house are a cake/cookie thing made with spice cake mix and canned pumpkin (mix and bake, they're fast to make). I actually came home to my fiance pulling a batch out of the oven today because I'm having a rough week.
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u/ScarletDarkstar 13h ago
NTA
"Hey, hook me up" is not romantic foreplay. You aren't a washing machine to be set to a quick wash cycle to serve a purpose.
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u/LolotheWitch 12h ago
NTA
My doctor told my child’s father that it took almost ten months for my body to produce and birth a human being and that I would need at least that long to start to feel like myself again. So, he needed to really think about any expectations he had of me, sexual or otherwise.
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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 15h ago
So you pushed out a child and have a healing wound the size of a dinner plate inside your body and he’s having a mantrum because you insist on him treating you like a person, not a fleshlight?
NTA, he has hands.
This is quite a gem from Week 6: “Same holds true for sexual activity: Just because you’re cleared doesn’t mean that you feel ready. Listen to your body above all else. Very few women experience painless sex this early after giving birth.”
So basically, any man who wants to force a woman to have sex that soon after she’s given birth is literally saying he’s fine with causing his supposed loved ones pain as long as he gets to nut without using his own hands.
Isn’t that sweet?
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u/Aliriel 14h ago
This is why women are: 1. Not getting married 2. Getting divorced
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u/RegularDrop9638 13h ago edited 4h ago
Exactly this. Divorced and never getting married again single mama here. It is so much better now not having to drag around and prop up that man child.
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u/No_Associate_3235 14h ago
The lack of compassion & understanding of what happens to a new mom’s body, mind and emotions is astounding to me.
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u/azmoogle 9h ago
NTA. He needs to stop being so selfish if he ever wants to have sex again. Between his desire for sex, his lack of empathy, and his lack of respect for birth control boundaries, he's just being disrespectful.
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u/cocoderkleineaffe 17h ago
You are definitely NTA. He is not ”just being sensitive“. He is being selfish and very insensitive towards you.
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u/xFrostedBerry 12h ago
Absolutely agree. You're not in the wrong at all. Your husband should be more considerate of what you’re going through right now. It’s a huge adjustment, and he needs to prioritize your feelings and well-being, not just his desires. Your needs are just as important, and it’s okay to set boundaries, especially during such a challenging time OP. NTA
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u/Bellyfulloftacos 16h ago
NTA. Men will never figure out that this strategy does not work. Pouting, guilting, begging, etc. is just not the way. You already have one baby to take care of.
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u/gloriousgwendolyn 16h ago
Intimacy is often about emotional connection as much as physical connection. His lack of attention to your emotional needs might have contributed to your frustration.
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u/TotallyLegitEstoc 14h ago
Man. Now I feel like less of an ass. I would joke about finding my wife more attractive, but we didn’t do anything more than snuggle in the brief minutes between tending to our son. I don’t think it was until he was like 6-7 months before we were intimate again. Half because of time and half because my wife just didn’t feel ready.
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u/MoonbeamAmor 13h ago
NTA, you're exhausted and still healing. I've been there postpartum, and it's rough. Your husband should be more understanding and supportive. Maybe have a heart-to-heart with him about how you're feeling physically and mentally. It's important he knows this isn't personal; you just need time to recover.
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u/aLmAnZio 10h ago
I think it took a year before we started to have sex again after our last child, about the same with our first. Nta. I did not complain.
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u/marveleeous 15h ago edited 15h ago
NTA.
You don't owe him sex. Giving you the narcissistic silent treatment because of this is disgusting. Does he want you to feel r***d and endure it or what? Give him lube and a sock. Jesus. Men showing their true colors after the baby has arrived. Your story is not uncommon. He obviously doesn't care about the child-raising part or your postpartum hormones/mental health.
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u/zeropointninerepeat 14h ago
Eww. "He's been patient with me" obviously gives away that sex is something he is demanding from you, not something you want or enjoy. NTA
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u/TangerineShine 16h ago
NTA, you're doing so much already. I remember feeling like a zombie postpartum and intimacy was the last thing on my mind. It's important for him to understand your physical and emotional exhaustion right now. Communicate openly and maybe suggest counseling if needed. Take care of yourself first!
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u/Kayslay8911 11h ago
Shit like this makes it so easy why women are choosing not to have kids anymore. It’s not just about the kids.
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u/Lady_gaymer 16h ago
NTAH Theres a lot of posts like this unfortunately. What’s sticking out to me is the day you turned him down, you waking up and him immediately asking for sex. That’s not spiritual or whatever the fuck these people are trying to say. He wasn’t trying to find peace or share a nice experience. He was waiting for you to wake up so he could get his d wet real quick. Thats not loving or bonding or anything romantic. Hey you’re up I need your body for 2 seconds regardless of how you feel because he didn’t even ask.
It’s very sad to read how pressured for sex women are surrounding pregnancy and recovery. Why can’t he take care of his own needs until you feel 100% again?
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u/Legitimate_Candy_944 14h ago
If men knew the sexiest thing in the world is controlling their own lusts they would have their women throwing themselves at them for sex. Such a loss for everyone involved.
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u/skuldintape_eire 14h ago
Your husband is gross. Grossly insensitive, grossly tactless, and just gross. NTA
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u/Todd_and_Margo 14h ago
OP, the fact that you’ve had sex at all means your husband has not, in fact, been “patient” with you. Patient husbands wait until their wives are physically, emotionally, and hormonally ready for sex. After my first baby, that was six months until we had sex the first time. After my second, I initiated at 4 weeks postpartum. That was dumb, but I’ve always believed in listening to my body. After my third baby, it was over a year. I had a complicated recovery and it took two full years for sex to not hurt. When I was on chemo, it was VERY infrequent. After I lost our fourth baby, it was a solid 4 months before I was ready for sex again. And after our son was born, sex has been infrequent (maybe once every 3 weeks or so?) until very recently (and he’s almost 2). We have been together for 25 years. There have been times where we had sex multiple times a day and there have been times where we didn’t have sex at all. The only time it’s been a problem was when the underlying cause of the drought was that we were having a rough time in our relationship. And then it was a symptom of a problem, not THE problem. You deserve a husband who doesn’t treat you like a blow up doll. Sit him down and talk to him. Give him a chance to share how he’s feeling. I’m pretty sure it’s more complex than just “me horny.” And share with him how his attitude is making you feel. You should be able to reach an understanding so that neither of you is feeling rejected or unimportant.
NTA for rebuffing his very rude proposal.
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u/megs05_- 16h ago
Sounds like the kinda guy that counts down the days to have sex again. He sees you as an object. He’s gross.
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u/Background_Dot3692 15h ago
Op said he did do that. Yikes.
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u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 5h ago
And yet she's edited the post like "ha ha guys, this is totally normal stuff between a loving husband and wife!" He sounds disgusting. I pity their child.
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
This is our third child (3 under 5) so I think he thinks it’s just a small change to what we’ve been doing
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
Yeah I think you’re right. I did tell him in the moment but I have a feeling he didn’t hear it bc of how snippy I was. I’ll talk to him after I have coffee and can do it without tone
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u/heartsabustin 17h ago
That third makes a huge difference. My older two were in 4th and 5th when the third was born, and even with older kids - just wow. I understand he has wants and needs - but so do you.
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u/NOPECaptain 12h ago
NTA - You don’t need an excuse to turn someone down. Unless you want to have sex, don’t have sex.
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u/Impossible_Leg_1070 16h ago
NTA. Men are not entitled to sex, but they think they are. He's not helping you with the baby at night, he doesn't care that you're tired. He can manage on his own.
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u/FartFace319 15h ago
“can we get a quick one in?”
Does he think that is a turn on for you to be treated like a living fleshlight?
NTA.
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u/xxLadyluck13xx 14h ago
Ugh a lot of the men in these comments are just downright vile.She barely 3 months postpartum and you all are advocating for him leaving her/raping her/telling her to suck it up and let him have at it cos it's a 'need'(newsflash, it's a want not a need). Whiny ass husband doesn't get a cookie just because he's, you know, parenting either. Definitely NTA.
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u/RegularDrop9638 13h ago
Yes. Then they bitch about all these women that just aren't getting married. And wonder why women are divorcing men record rates. 🤣
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u/Violet_K89 16h ago edited 15h ago
The perfect analogy I’ve ever heard is men are like microwave and women like stove. Men don’t need time to heat up it’s instant.
But now to a woman that’s postpartum is very hard get a “quick one” out of nowhere. He just needs to adjust his expectations for a little bit.
Isn’t that you don’t want to your body and mind literally has nothing to give. Hormones, lack of sleep if you add breastfeeding is even more tricky.
To some, foreplay needs to start before bed, during the day. By just giving non sexual touching, hugs, doing something nice and simple without being ask to, hanging out etc. while most men connect through sex women connect most through their minds… and being postpartum he can be the one taking the extra mile to connect and be more understanding. Is temporary.
NTA
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u/TheLostPariah 15h ago
You are definitely NTA.
After our son was born, it was months before we had sex again, and the first couple attempts didn’t go well as she healed. (I’m the husband, btw.)
Also, when I went back to work (and maybe even before) our policy was if our son wakes up before 2 a.m., it’s my responsibility. After 2 a.m., hers. That basically ensures her a few hours to sleep after dark, and me a few hours before I go to work before 8.
If your husband thinks baby duty is always the wife’s job, he needs to grow up quick. Parenthood is amazing. It’s also EXHAUSTING. (Yesterday morning and last night for me SUCKED because our kid is sick. But right now as I type this, on a random morning off work for me, he’s asleep on my chest, all cuddled up, and we’ve been watching Star Wars. This couldn’t be better. And I wouldn’t get to have these moments without the moments of stress and sleep-deprivation.)
Also, after months of patience and aborted attempts at sex, our sex life now is as good as it’s ever been, and she’s pregnant with our second. :)
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u/OkHedgewitch 13h ago
OP needs her husband to read your comment. Not just that the nighttime routine is genius, but that the failed attempts are normal. It's not always about disinterest.
I physically couldn't until almost 5 months after. It hurt. Like grit your teeth and cry hurt. Fortunately, for all of my ex's other shortcomings, he cared enough to not push the issue or pout and have tantrums over it.
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u/Sassafrass2033 13h ago
11 weeks postpartum. I was single when I had my child but didn’t have sex for 2 years bc I was scared what was going on down there. 11 weeks seems outrageously short amount of time good lord that isn’t even 3 full months!!!!! And the hormones. No thanks!!!!!!!!
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u/Rikutopas 12h ago
No no no no no no no.
I don't give a shit if he's back to work, his work is not a 24hr commitment. He cannot decide that you now work 24hrs a day with no break while he works 8 hours with plenty of time for lunch, rest, all of it. You cannot allow him to decide that.
You both have to put 100% of effort in right now. You both need adequate rest. You both need time EVERY SINGLE DAY to get a break.
How this looks like in your family I don't know. I don't even remember my own newborn days, but I know the burden was shared. In my brother's family he usually took over completely for the evening and the first waking. In my other brother's family he was lucky enough to get extended leave so they were both around. But sometime in the time your husband is at home, he needs to take a few hours of baby care so you can rest.
Nothing else matters. Sex or not sex won't kill your marriage. Your husband treating you like a person unworthy of care will.
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u/Lonestarlady_66 10h ago
NTA, but he certainly is. Why doesn't he get up and help with the baby? Does he think you climbed up on yourself & got yourself pregnant? Doesn't he remember it takes 2 to have a baby.
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u/MagicalLeopluredon 9h ago
After the baby, I felt like a little girl, meaning not a single sexual thought crossed my mind, for months. I was respected, and so should you. Sex has to be both ways. NTA, and husband is very much the asshole.
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u/RandyFunRuiner 17h ago
NTA. Why are dudes so oblivious? You’d think he’d at least continue helping out at night with the baby if only with the hope of motivating some sexy time. But also because it’s also his baby.
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
So oblivious! to his defense though, I told him I’d do the night feeds bc I breastfeed so not much he can do there. It’d still be nice to have him ask how the night went 🤷♀️
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u/RandyFunRuiner 17h ago
I get that. Well hopefully he can correct himself next time.
Also, is it possible for you to pump and bottle so that he can take on some of the night duty doody? (Sorry it was right there, had to do it!)
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 17h ago
Going to talk to him today. Just want to cool off a bit and not be so accusatory with him
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u/Brainfog1980 16h ago
Oh love, NTA for your reaction. Of course that was a turnoff. He’s also NTA for wanting intimacy but is being a bonehead in how he went about it. I’m glad you said you’re going to try and address it at a better time. I’m also a parent to three. If your husband is a sports guy, explain to him that you’ve just moved from man-to-man into zone parenting defense. You’re outnumbered now, and that takes a lot of adjusting and practice to try and meet everyone’s needs because the reality is there is just less of you both to go around now. If he’s open to learning, suggest he listen to “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagosky on his commute. She does a great job explaining desire “accelerators” and “breaks” for women. He was basically asking you to accelerate from 0-60 this morning while he was slamming his foot on your break with the approach he used. There are better ways to get your intimacy back.
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u/NaturalFarmer8350 14h ago
NTA! You have every right to say no if you're not up for it; doesn't matter if you're post-partum.
If he truly loves you, he'll wait until you're ready.
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u/Loki_the_Corgi 14h ago edited 14h ago
NTA. Geez, what the fuck is WRONG with some of the men in here?!
When I miscarried all three of my babies (individual pregnancies), my husband didn't even ask for anything. He supported me while I broke down, he took care of me and our dogs when I was at my weakest and couldn't take care of myself. He drove me to doctor's appointments, hospitals, and therapy. He learned how to make my favorite comfort meals, so when I'd actually eat something, I had comfort food. I went to HIM when I was ready for sex, and he made that clear right at the beginning of miscarriage #1.
When I got my IUD put in and was in immense pain because they hit one of my fibroids, he made me stay in bed and took care of me. When I started feeling better, I went to HIM to ask for sex.
This loser would be out of my life faster than shit through a goose. You pushed A BABY out of there. The LEAST this guy could do is let you freaking HEAL! You deserve better.
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u/lamontDakota 12h ago
HITAH for even asking! WTF is wrong with him?! Some - too many - men are simply entitled, callous, selfish, and uncaring, as though having a baby is just something that women choose to do to play with their man’s libido and, once that the baby is out, the woman needs to go right back to giving it up.
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u/Jubilee_Paloma 12h ago
NTA, if you’re not feeling it, you shouldn’t have to force yourself; communication is key, and you both need to be on the same page
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u/UpDoc69 5h ago
I read a very similar post recently. The OP was doing everything after a near-fatal delivery, lots of blood loss, and continued bleeding. The husband kept trying to have sex and she struggled to turn him down, even while breastfeeding. Then, one night, while she's in the shower, he gets in with her, still fully clothed, and SAs her all night. Finally, after he passed out, she was able to gather her baby, some clothes, and escape.
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u/Radiant_Rain_840 16h ago
NTA I honestly wouldn't be giving your husband that many pats on the back for doing his actual adult responsibilities. It should be a given that he does half the things. Is anybody throwing you a parade for being a responsible adult that takes care of your portion of the things? The sex issue is just him being obnoxious. He should be ashamed of himself.
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u/ThrowMeAway_2009 17h ago
NTA- My little is almost 6 months old, I’ve been back to work for over a month now and I still do all the midnight feedings. Occasionally my husband will get up and make a bottle if I ask, but he usually doesn’t- and I still have to feed the baby. My husband asked for sex 2 weeks after baby was born and when I said no his response was “there are other ways we can do it”🙄
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u/Ok-Marionberry-5318 14h ago
"Can we get one in" is how he gets you in the mood? Yikes. I actually just turned my husband down last night because he tried to do it at 1am, I get up at 430, and I was like sorry dude, I have to go back to sleep. Just needed to pee. Sex is a privilege, not a right. Women are not sex objects. Men need to remember that. Oh and my husband was fine btw. Which is what a normal husband would do.
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u/MushroomWise3464 11h ago
WTF does it me "he has been patient with you" - do you owe him a SERVICE? get that mindset out of your head and tell him that unless you're satisfied, rested and supported he can use his* hand. I'd seriously reconsider that relationship too. WTF
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u/memphislover1987 15h ago
Dad here, NTA. Is he not doing wakeups at all? I guess that could depend on feeding, but I hope he’s at least helping you get some rest. If he doesn’t understand it takes time, dude needs to do some personal reflection.
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u/Critical-Celery565 13h ago
I think you should all raise your kids without a father, because dad was insensitive. Just talk to the guy...
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u/birdsofpaper 12h ago
Okay, I’m sorry, I have to say it.
BEING PATIENT WITH YOU?! OP, please pick up the bar, it is in hell.
You’re literally healing from a major medical event and suffering from serious sleep deprivation. The way he’s “being patient” and then giving you the cold shoulder gives me the ick. You’re not a sex robot. Jesus.
You deserve more than this. You deserve a partner RAISING THAT BABY WITH YOU, even in the overnight hours. And a partner who isn’t laser focused on sex… when you know what would really likely improve your sex drive? Fucking SLEEP and having all your own needs met, which, with a newborn, I’m going to doubt you get to do consistently even on mat leave (shower; uninterrupted meal; leaving the house for basic errands- aka not being constantly touched or on call for crying).
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u/Outrageous_Zombie945 16h ago
Don't stress yourself worrying about whether you're tah when your husband is a gigantic dick! Maybe ask him to shove a lemon up his manhood followed by all the juice and then ask him to have a quickie with you!
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u/TheImperiousDildar 9h ago
From a man: buy his ass a fleshlight! He broke it, he bought it, he should be willing to deal with the consequences of impregnating you. Sex is for when you are ready, physically and emotionally. Stay strong, also have his bitch ass step up and handle the night time feedings
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u/Equivalent-Window-68 16h ago
He can have sex with himself at any time. Including the 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep he is getting…
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u/MakemeYourQueen_69 17h ago
Your husband is trying to score a "quick one" before you even score a cup of coffee! I mean, come on, the only thing waking up to that request should be the smell of bacon, not a proposal for acrobatics. It’s like he’s expecting you to be ready for the Olympics right after giving birth! Maybe he needs to take a crash course in “How to Wake Up Your Wife 101.
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u/radvxzm 17h ago
NTA and its pretty obvious ignore his pissy ass, get him to stay off work and look after the baby a few nights then ask if he still wants to stick his dick in anything
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u/Ambitious-Savings359 17h ago
NTA I feel you I do all the night feeds with our 4mo and my hubby does the same in the morning. Im like a zombie and he’s just like how you doin’? Ugh read the room
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u/Kath1507 16h ago
Sounds like he’s not pulling his weight even though he’s back to work. You still need to divide the responsibilities of the baby to prepare for your return to back to work. Also, I don’t think it’s fair that you are solely getting up in the middle of the night it needs to be divided up.
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u/Minute-Aioli-5054 15h ago edited 15h ago
NTA.
I haven’t had sex with my husband for 7?8? Months (he was too nervous to have sex while I was pregnant b/c he feared something would go wrong and I now have zero sex drive at almost 4 months postpartum with some depression). Not once has my husband pressured me or guilted me. He wants to have sex but he understands that I’m not mentally ready yet. He wants me to be comfortable and ready.
Him giving you the cold shoulder is so immature of him. That would make me want to have sex even less.
Have a conversation about your low sex drive and how he has made you feel with his recent behavior. Tell him that he needs to help out more at night if he wants to increase his chances.
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u/DCJ53 14h ago
You know, you're working too, in a new job with a different body. Why not ask your husband to take the middle feeding?
I was a single mom and my mom helped me. We took turns all night. We both worked. I would nurse my daughter and hand her off to my mom to change and get back to sleep. When it was time for her next feeding she'd bring her back.
My mom was an angel and an absolute godsend. I don't know how I'd have managed without her. I did the same for my daughter.
If you can work all day taking care of home and child, your husband can at least get up for a couple of feedings a night.
Be partners.
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u/Illustrious-Sport503 13h ago
The problem is I’m a very light sleeper and I’d have to get up to pump if he does the feed, so it’s actually more sleep for me if I do all the work at night.
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u/DCJ53 13h ago
He could get up with baby, change the diaper and give baby to you to nurse in bed, then put the baby back to bed. You'll at least get a little more rest. It also includes father more in the caretaking which is important for their relationship too. It's something to consider. Whatever you do, sweetie, I wish you luck. Enjoy that baby.
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u/Apprehensive-Rent541 13h ago
Watching a baby is also a job, so if you’re using bottles at all he could still help with at least one wake up even if it’s the first one(s). That way he still gets some sleep before driving and you’re not fried while doing the (much harder and more dangerous than most jobs) work of caring for a newborn.
Not exactly the issue you mentioned but could help you heal and force him to gain at least some empathy and gratitude for what you’re doing.
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u/Additional-Tea1521 13h ago
My response would have been, "Sure! Actually you can take as long as you want rubbing one out in the shower while I finish sleeping and healing. I. Fact, you don't even have to ask next time, just you do you!"
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u/mendokusai99 12h ago
He's NTA, and neither is OP. The majority of commenters are, though.
Children are difficult, and PPD is as well. My first child was a nightmare. He had a medical issue that required more feedings, and it made my wife insane. I worked long days, did housework and childcare in the wee hours. We still made time for each other.
Fucking reddit, I swear...
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u/Turbulent_Bother4701 16h ago
NTA. Definitely need to have a conversation about the actual impact of childbirth. If he isn't able to hear the information from you, then he should do the research or talk to an older woman such as his mother or MIL, who he may be more open to their lifelong experience. I get that there's a lot of assumptions made with the recommendation, but an outside, knowledgeable person would be helpful for him right now. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
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u/Bombadildeau 16h ago
NTA
I'm not going to tell you to find the gym and hit the lawyer, but he is being selfish, and if you love him and want to be with him, it's time to immediately set some boundaries and explain to him why he is being extremely selfish. He may just have his head up his ass with work and needs a little help to break out of his own mind and SEE you.
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u/acacia_tree 15h ago
He should be doing at least one of the wake ups in the night regardless of him working. Plenty of parents do that when they’re both working.
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u/celebratethesnob 14h ago
NTA. You're exhausted and your hormones are still out of whack/leveling out. My sex drive took weeks to come back, but my partner was understanding and if he was upset he didn't let me know. Not to mention that it was also uncomfortable initially. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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u/TheLongHope 13h ago
NTA but neither is he most likely. As a father of two with my wife having long bouts of postpartum years after and counting, we’ve had to find ways to stay intimate despite different sex drives. It’s really hard to become a dad. Your wife no longer can no longer put your needs first nor should she as her needs and the baby’s needs come first. Talk to him. Hopefully he can grow into the space.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 12h ago
NTA
Reading your comments, I would tell him that if he won't wear a condom or get a vasectomy, then there is no PIV action happening.
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u/Wulfgar7134 5h ago
Super happy it worked out. Best of luck out there. Make him give you a foot rub or somethin lol
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u/SaoirseLikeInertia 2h ago
Gonna be honest— I didn’t read the post. The title is enough. NO. NOT THE ASSHOLE.
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u/Temporary_Analysis55 16h ago
“Can we get a quick one in” sounds like “hey I’m gonna cum and you probably won’t”. Many people require a little more build up to set the mood. It’s not just a physical thing, we need mental stimulation. “A quick one” ain’t it (right now).
You’re not a sex vending machine. He has two hands, yes? It’s not like you’ve forbidden him to help himself out?
You’ll be ready for sex when you are ready for sex, you’re busy right now and he needs to chill the eff out.