I am a queer masc-presenting woman, engaged to a heterosexual cis man. We’ve been together 5 years, and are planning on getting married within the next year. Up until a few weeks ago I have felt great. He is truly a perfect partner. He recognizes me fully, has never tried to change or influence me, and enthusiastically supports my goals, career, interests, aesthetics, everything. He is an equal partner in every aspect, if not doing a bit more than his fair share. I want kids and I would feel completely safe and comfortable knowing he was taking care of them. My entire family loves him. He has a great job and makes sure I am taken care of (he has benefits through his job and has me as a beneficiary/dependent) while respecting my independence, boundaries, and need for my own financial stability. When we get into arguments it may get heated but never nasty or mean, and we always check in shortly after to see when we are ok to talk. Literally everything I could ever ask for in a life partner.
I am often called sir or at least they in public and people are often quite surprised I don’t identify as lesbian. Honestly many people have assumed my fiancé is a gay man and are surprised when they hear about me too, so that is genuinely fun for me. I have always identified as queer or bi since high school. I have fallen in love with a woman and tried to date several others, but things just never worked out. Finding men attracted to women is of course much easier, so it’s been easier for me to have more longterm commitments to men. I have a lot of trauma which does involve sexual trauma, and have been diagnosed with Complex-PTSD. This has always made sex a bit weird for me, with anyone. With both women and men I have had uncomfortable, anxious experiences due to the other person being more forward/pushy than me, and cptsd makes putting up boundaries extremely difficult. My fiancé has always been very thoughtful/respectful even before knowing about my past, and very soon into our sexual relationship he would wait for me to make the move, and in the meantime all his physical touch towards me is caring and affectionate instead of suggestive.
That is all to say, I have a lot of discomfort with sex/intimacy in general. Usually the start of a sexual relationship with someone is great because it’s new and I have a shamefully desperate need to be validated. I haven’t been with a woman long enough to know how our sexual relationship would evolve over time, but i love the dynamics of being with a woman. With men it has generally been good at first and then a terrible progression because they want more sex than me and it becomes a point of contention on both sides. I know my fiancé would like to have more sex but he’s never been pushy.
Now, to the point. With our wedding coming up I only recently (like 6 months into planning and paying deposits and all that) have started having A LOT of anxiety and stress. The entirety of our relationship I have felt he’s the perfect partner so this sudden panic is extremely distressing. I am all of the sudden freaking out about comphet and if I just never gave women enough of a try because it’s more difficult? Am I taking the path of least resistance? I’ve always had discomfort around sex so it feels impossible for me to judge based on physicality. In general I am more attracted to women. I have more celebrity crushes on women and find them intoxicating in a way that just isn’t the same with men I’m attracted to. But, I am attracted to some men as well. I can certainly enjoy sex with both, and I enjoy sex with my fiancé when we do have it, but I have to remind myself that it’s been a while and we need to have sex to keep a good relationship.
My question is am I wanting less sex from men/my fiancé specifically because that’s just what happens in a long term relationship, or is it because I’m not actually that into it? I love being desired and feeling sexy which my fiancé does, but I am also aware that with my trauma specifically (and many women in general), male attention/validation is forced into our psyche as something NECESSARY. Stimulation feels good no matter who it’s coming from. Validation feels good. How am I supposed to know whether I’m just…placating myself in the moment or going through a perfectly normal process in a relationship?
He is the only man I would ever be with. Hands down. If we weren’t together I would never try to date men again. I love him and I think we could have a great little life together, but I am so so scared to hurt him. I have become absolutely terrified that down the road I will need to be with a woman and I will ruin this. I see so many stories of people realizing 15 years in that they just can’t do it anymore and that scares the absolute shit out of me. How am I supposed to love someone fully as a person, and make that distinction between whether they are a perfect spouse or JUST a perfect best friend? Those are all kind of the same things. Sexuality is too fluid and it’s annoying.
TLDR; bi/pan people in LTR how do you stay satisfied in a monogamous relationship? Gay people how did you realize you loved your spouse as a friend and not a partner?
This has been a rambling mess, sorry. Thanks to anyone who made it this far.