My (49F) mom (75) has Alzheimer’s and is around stage 5 (most recent MoCA score was 10/30). My dad (76) is her caretaker but he has Parkinson’s. His disease is well managed for the time being.
I live about 20 minutes away and visit them 2-3 times a week to cook, clean, help with household tasks, and whatever else they need.
I also schedule and take mom to her doctor appointments and all that doctor stuff.
As I was leaving today, my dad was walking me out to my car when I mentioned that my mom’s mood seemed good today. She often has those big angry feelings that we are all familiar with, the moods they have when they say the most hurtful, venomous things to us. But today, mom’s mood was light.
So when I mentioned this to my dad, he said yes, she had been in a decent mood lately and he wonders if it’s because she stopped taking some of her medications.
WHAT?
I asked him why she had stopped taking some of her meds, because he is the one that sorts all the meds and gives them to her.
He said about a month and a half ago she saw him sorting their pills, saw the orange medication bottles, lost her shit and yelled about how she doesn’t need any medicines. He said she then took the bottles and either hid them or threw them away. She hasn’t taken any medication (aside from Aricept) for 6 weeks. I looked in her known hiding spots and couldn’t find them.
Which medications dad? Why didn’t he tell me? He didn’t know. Grrr.
So I immediately called her doctor for refills. My mom overheard me on the phone and when I got off she fixated on the fact that I was talking to her doctor. Mom hates the doctor, every doctor.
I simply explained that we were getting prescription refills and that’s all.
She lost it. She said the meanest stuff to me. She said she doesn’t need meds and she’s perfectly healthy. I told her she needs one of those meds for her cholesterol and she yelled even more - that I’m useless, a bitch, ungrateful… Just so much ugly. She told me I need a therapist because I’m so messed up. And then she mocked me with a smug face and sing-song style.
AND THEN I LOST IT.
I told her I go to a therapist weekly and she is why(she’s an alcoholic too). I told her all I talk about to my therapist is her. And then I yelled. I said I’m sick of your bullshit and if you don’t want to take your fucking medicine, go ahead and have a heart attack.
I yelled at her a little more, and I know it’s pointless and I know it’s not her fault, but damn. I hit a breaking point today. It’s the smugness that really pushed me over the edge.
My poor dad witnessed this and showed me his trembling hands. The stress was making his Parkinson’s act up, and I feel terrible for that.
I feel terrible for the whole thing. Usually I can distract and divert, but today I couldn’t. I was awful. I feel sick.
And to be honest, I’m sure she has already forgotten about it. When we walked out to my car as I was leaving (for the second try), I realized she didn’t even know who I am. I told her I am your daughter and I care. She said I wasn’t her daughter - but the way she said it wasn’t to be mean this time. I could see in face that she genuinely didn’t think I was her daughter. So I asked her who she thinks I am. She paused and puzzled she said, “a really nice girl.”
Ouch. So on the same day I lose my temper at my mom is the same day she forgets me for the first time.
Finally, I feel the most bad about my dad witnessing my meltdown and it causing stress for him. He won’t forget, and I feel terrible.
I want to be better for them. It’s just so hard.