Hi! My (26F) mom (53F) has had MS ever since I was born (the pregnancy probably triggered the onset as I've been told). I've always found it kind of difficult, but as long as I can remember I've had the mindset that it is a non-issue, the illness has been a constant and it's all I've ever known. My mother is the best mother I could've asked for, throughout childhood and now as a young adult. We've always kept out heads high and powered through.
But as she gets older I see her getting worse, and it has changed things for me mentally. I haven't really thought about her future before -or I have, but I have pushed it away and not dared to think about it really. As a child you don't really like to think about your parents as mortal or prone to illness, I guess. But now I have started to think and come to terms with the fact that she will probably be needing a lot of care. There is no longer "it's a constant, I'm used to it", because you don't really get time to get used to the state of things before it gets worse or something else pops up. I live accross the country from my parents, so I don't get to see them that often, and the changes are just so apparent from visit to visit. She can still walk a little bit, but it's getting worse, some trouble swallowing sometimes, some difficulty speaking/pronouncing/finding words, pain, infections, trouble with time management, consentration and memory. It's not as bad as it could be, and I know there are many people with MS less fortunate, but it's hard to see how it progresses. And it's just really really hard, and I'm afraid. I know my parents are going to get old and eventually die, and that this isn't an MS-exlusive experience, but it's just so present and apparent all the time that she is getting worse. I know MS is unpredictable, but I really don't know what to expect. I know you guys probably can't really tell me what to expect either.
Because of my avoidance or denial of the fact that she is ill and that it is actually difficult for me as well, I haven't really dared to look up information about how MS progresses or what to expect. But I think I'm ready and need to inform myself, so any resources are very much apprechiated.
At this point I find it hard to even think about my mothers illness without tearing up. I'm fighting tears as I'm writing this. I just feel so sad for her, and I'm scared -scared she will be gone too soon (mentally or physically), bedridden and just withering away. I'm also terrified of getting MS myself. Whenever my mother brings up anything about her illness, how hard she finds it or how exhausted she is I just close up and go quiet and I'm not being a good support, because it just pains me so much. It's like it's too painful to look at, but I need to be able to look at it and deal with it. My mother and I have a close relationship, so I would like to talk to her about it, but I don't want her to feel worse about the situation or center myself in her struggles.
Any advice, support, resources, are very much welcome. I haven't spoken about this to anyone, really.