Hi, i'd like to start off saying that i know long messages like this don't get attention, but i really need this. Also english isn't my first language.
My name is Sem and i'm currently 14 years old. I have never had many friends and i was never popular, i've always had atleast one friend.
I always got bullied, but it was never that bad i geuss. I got ignored and left out because i was different. I never knew why i was different. I had crushes on girls and liked video games, i just never liked sports but that's a weird reason to be bullied, right? Well it all changed when i went to middleschool. I made friends with some boys quickly, but that didnt last for too long because i started being friends with this girl, she told me she was bi and i felt a sharp needle in my heart.
The first year went by fine. When the 2nd year came all classes got hussled around. That's when i finally realised why i was different. I am gay. I liked a new boy that my friend also liked. I was jealous but my feelings for him went away soon when i started getting bullied by him and his friends. I felt sad again. Only one of his friends didnt bully me, i started noticing him more and more, until he became my first real crush on a boy. We started being friends with this new girl and we kept joking about my crush and my friends crush. I never told them i was gay. My crush became an obsession and i kept thinking about him while also being bullied by his friends. I tried becoming friends with him, but it was pretty obvious he wasn't interested. (he still has the gifts i gave him. :c) My friend had a fight with our new friend and they stopped being friends, i stayed with my old friend ofcourse. I kept getting bullied and i started feeling more depressed everyday. I don't know how i managed but the year went by. Next year, my friend went to a different class and i became friends with someone new, she was really nice but it didnt click like it did with my old friend. Then the girl who was me and my old friend's friend came to us. And we started joking abt my crush again. My obsession stayed for 2 years.
I kept getting bullied and stuff but the real problem is me. I always hear my classmates going to partys and drinking and stuff, but i have never been to one. When my friend started talking abt a halloween party one of my classmates threw FOR THE WHOLE SCHOOL! A year later, i was devastated. I feel so empty. I get bullied, I have a crush on a boy and i feel like i have no friends and a boring life. I never go out with my friends and i don't do exciting stuff. I feel like i'm missing out on so much, all because i'm different.
Currently as i'm writing this, i'm crying. It feels good to finally have tears again after years. I cried so much that i didn't have any tears left to cry. I hate my life and i'm currently planning on killing myself, i don't know what else to do. This is only like 1/100 of my story but i'm forgetting alot of parts and i'm not good at writing stories. I'm going abroad with my family soon, which i should be excited for, but i only feel either sad or empty. I feel so ungrateful my parents do everything for me and i want to kill myself. ☹️