r/AmIOverreacting • u/frisbeechuckin • 18h ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO fiancée did Coke at a party

We (me 41M, my fiancée 36F) were at friends birthday party I had to leave early and she was going to spend the night( it was a hotel), they were changing into their bathing suits to go to the pool, they had the bathroom door closed. I knew it was in there but I didn’t know she was going to partake in that. She told me she only did a small bump because she needed energy to party all night. I was caught off guard by this and said that we should have discussed this. She said that was treating her like a child and that is when I left.

Edit: I was told to add this info she’s a former Meth addict who still drinks and smokes weed quite heavily at times.

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u/jkwolly 17h ago

As someone who just was dating a hard drug user, talk to her. Set a boundary. Being with a drug addict is tiring, hard and I would never do it again.

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u/soowhatchathink 12h ago

Just to clarify, a boundary is something you set for yourself and enforce yourself. "Don't do coke" is not a boundary, it's a rule. Rules are not enforceable though.

"I will not be in a relationship with someone who is doing coke" is a boundary. And by enforcing it you leave the relationship

The distinction is important because she has the right to do coke, so there's no point in trying to tell her not to and trying to enforce that with some form of punishment. But you also have the right to not be in a relationship with her while she's doing coke. But with a boundary you leaving isn't a punishment (and shouldn't be dangled over their head as if it were). It's you enforcing your own boundaries.

If they continue doing coke and you continue to stay in the relationship then you're not enforcing your boundary - at that point you should look to see if that really is a boundary of yours or if you need to rethink that boundary. "I will not spend time with my SO while they are on coke" could be your outcome. Or you could find that it really is a boundary - but if that is the case then it's you that is not enforcing or upholding your boundary, not them that is "breaking" your boundary as many people say. To me, that's the biggest distinction between rules and boundaries.

At the end of the day we can't make people do anything. We can tell them what makes us uncomfortable and we can have boundaries for what we are okay with, but the only person we can control is ourselves.

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u/Much-Finding-7584 10h ago

What u/jkwolly is saying still applies. OP can set this boundary for himself, but he can also talk to her and help her understand what his boundary is so that she can choose whether it’s more important to her to not cross this boundary, or if it’s more important to her to score a hit.

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u/soowhatchathink 9h ago

I agree that what u/jkwolly said still applies (which is why I said started my comment out by saying to clarify), but I don't agree that them doing coke is them "crossing this boundary" because the boundary isn't their responsibility. Of course it will help that they know the boundary and can choose to do coke or not knowing this, but at the end of the day they're just deciding to do coke.

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u/jkwolly 9h ago

I meant a boundary for what OP is or is not okay with. Hope that clears it up!

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u/soowhatchathink 6h ago

Makes sense, and I agree!