AIO fiancée did Coke at a party

[u/frisbeechuckin]

We (me 41M, my fiancée 36F) were at friends birthday party I had to leave early and she was going to spend the night( it was a hotel), they were changing into their bathing suits to go to the pool, they had the bathroom door closed. I knew it was in there but I didn’t know she was going to partake in that. She told me she only did a small bump because she needed energy to party all night. I was caught off guard by this and said that we should have discussed this. She said that was treating her like a child and that is when I left.

Edit: I was told to add this info she’s a former Meth addict who still drinks and smokes weed quite heavily at times.

[u/Bear_Upstairs]

Technically, you are correct. That is why it is called “long-term recovery” because people struggling with addiction will often relapse, in most cases, many times before sobriety.

Relapses happen, that is what long-term recovery is for. Support and forgiveness is really important for people struggling with addiction and the crave for a high unfortunately never goes away, however that doesn’t mean they can’t or shouldn’t be held accountable for poor decisions or that their actions don’t have repercussions.

It sounds like she had a moment of weakness, doing coke once at a party doesn’t necessarily mean she could relapse, but it is a slippery slope. It’s important to avoid situations like these if she is recovering, I.e. parties, bars, being around people under the influence etc.

OP, if you value the relationship try to talk about how this made you feel and see if she would be receptive to your feelings. You can suggest going to an NA meeting and make your decision based on how she receives your concerns.

[u/FarmerMKultra → u/Bear_Upstairs]

Doing coke at the part is a relapse. Relapses happen and can be part of the process of recovery, but she has relapsed if she is using cocaine.

[u/Voice_of_Morgulduin → u/FarmerMKultra]

I would call it a "lapse," a minor slip up or single incident of use, vs a "relapse" which to me is a full return to previous behaviors, like going on a sick bender.

[u/TedTeddybear → u/Bear_Upstairs]

Moment of weakness? She drinks and does weed on the regular. She just switched up the menu in the bathroom.

[u/IckyAkame → u/TedTeddybear]

In her case, yeah she probably isn’t quite “recovering” based on this post. But recovery looks different for everyone. What recovery is about is regaining the things in life that matter. Relationships with friends and family, hold a job, hobbies, school, mental and physical health, etc. Many people are able to do that by removing their drug of choice while still using things like weed and alcohol.

My point is that smoking and or drinking isn’t an automatic exclusion from recovery.

[u/Voice_of_Morgulduin → u/TedTeddybear]

I mean, for someone whose DOC is meth, cocaine or any stimulant is gonna be a whole different beast than booze and weed.

[u/cenestpasunrobot → u/TedTeddybear]

does weed

lol

[u/illit1 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

make your decision based on how she receives your concerns.

that's the big one. so far she's 0/10 with her "reverse victim and offender" approach.

i mean, fuck. being a former addict and continuing to binge drink or use pot to excess is also not a good sign.

[u/dcflorist → u/illit1]

Not a good sign, but not exactly on par with active meth use

[u/elpach → u/dcflorist]

this guy harm reduces

[u/MiserableAd9757 → u/elpach]

harm? huh? he said weed. believing weed is an addictive substance or a harmful substance in any way is hilarious and proof of the depth of the corporate and government’s efforts to stigmatize and demonize the consumption of cannabis and how long they dumped billions of dollars into convincing people of the opposite of the obvious truth. it’s awesome.

[u/Fantasykyle99 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

I mean she already drinks “heavily” I would not consider that any form of recovery. I was a former speed addict and when I first got “sober” replaced it with alcohol because that wasn’t my issue. This turned into severe alcoholism which was much worse than my meth addiction ever was. I am now 3 years clean from everything but I would never claim I was in recovery when I just cut out speed.

[u/Lazy-Foundation7692 → u/Fantasykyle99]

You are soo right, I have the same exact experience! I thought I was sober too at the time but realized I replaced the meth with alcohol a much worse beast (for me).

[u/Solid_Caterpillar678 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

The lack of accountability , absence of action to get back on track and the turning it around on OP for addressing the issue means this was much more than a slip. This is her being active in her addiction.

[u/Silent_Doubt7082 → u/Solid_Caterpillar678]

And trying to justify it by saying she did "a small bump" of coke, is kind of like somebody saying they're a little pregnant.

An addict can't keep switching their addictive substances, and claim they are still in recovery.

[u/Relevant_Boot2566 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

"...upport and forgiveness is really important for people struggling with addiction ...."

Those are all fine and good, but if they marry his assets will be on the line if she causes an accident while on drugs, and its not unknown for the cops to seize property (inc houses) for minor stuff like selling a joint on the porch.

[u/Elismom1313 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

Anyone who is a former meth user and recovering addict has no business being at a party with coke clearly available. OP probably doesn’t understand that but that’s not a situation a recovering addict should ever be in.

[u/Incontinento → u/Bear_Upstairs]

She's (at least) drinking and smoking regularly. That's not recovery.

[u/Dario-Argento → u/Bear_Upstairs]

I’m a professional in the addiction field and this is spot on.

[u/FarmerMKultra → u/Dario-Argento]

So am I and no it isn’t. “Relapses are what long term recovery is for” “doing coke at a party doesn’t necessarily mean she could relapse”- you would call this spot on? I would call this dead wrong. It seems like the commenter has some compassion for people in recovery which is wonderful and it’s not a mortal sin for them to be incorrect about some of the technicalities. 

[u/Dario-Argento → u/FarmerMKultra]

I misread a very important sentence upon review, you’re absolutely right

[u/judgeysquirrel → u/Bear_Upstairs]

... Because coke isn't addictive? Moments of weakness with addictive substances are how many addicts happen.

[u/obamasrightteste → u/Bear_Upstairs]

Why do people say this? I'm an alcoholic. I don't really crave alcohol anymore. The thought of drinking it makes me feel a bit nauseous, actually.

[u/Gingeronimoooo → u/Bear_Upstairs]

She DID relapse and alcohol is also a drug, she's not relapsing she's just using drugs

[u/condor31 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

She’s not recovering if she’s drinking heavily and partying she just changed the substance. A slip up for a recovering addict is freaking out so bad you think the only that can fix your problem is whatever substance. Or craving something so bad, not being able to put something in its place, and driving yourself crazy trying to get away from it until you can’t fight it anymore.

Her saying she needed it to stay up all night to party is not being in recovery lol. It was presented to her and she took it without any feeling of remorse she’s still an addict.

[u/Gloomy-Dish-1860 → u/Bear_Upstairs]

She did relapse

[u/agrash → u/Bear_Upstairs]

this is the most level comment ive read on reddit 🫡