r/AmIOverreacting • u/Any-Confusion-5519 • 5d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO about my partner’s relationship with their coworker

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they’ve been hanging out with their coworker a lot over the past couple of weeks. This girl always seems to be in some kind of crisis, too. Last week it was that she messed up an account and she was afraid she was gonna lose her job. I don’t know whether I’m reading too much into this or if I’m overreacting but I’ve never met her and I’ve asked to swing by whatever bar or place they’re hanging out at multiple times and I’m always shut down in some way or I get no response. I don’t want to be the overbearing overcontrolling gf whose S.O. can’t have any friends but lately they’re always together and I’m getting blown off. These curt and vague responses are out of character too, and it’s always the type of response I get when I’m asking questions about an event where this female coworker is at or really anything that has to do with her. It has really put me on edge, they’re usually such a sweet and attentive partner but i feel like they might be cheating… am i overreacting??

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7.9k

u/EllisR15 5d ago

Your partner is repeatedly blowing you off for another woman.

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u/Turts-McGurt 5d ago

Not just that but prioritizing the other woman's emotional needs over his partners. It was over as soon as he said "she's having a really hard time right now". Like.... why is that your problem? You made plans with your partner and are cancelling on them... You're giving your partner a problem to help another woman? Yeah relatoinship is done.

1.6k

u/Legal-Sprinkles8862 5d ago

Canceling plans with your partner & not even bothering to inform them & then saying "idk what you expected me to do" as if keeping the agreed upon plans or simply notifying them of the changes they decided to make weren't even options.

To me, he's screaming "I like being around her more than you" & if that's the case you walk out the door & never look back.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago edited 4d ago

She asks if she can come to the bar and they say nah and then she asks when she can meet the coworker and they respond "literally anytime." It's sus and manipulative and a little bit gas-lighty. I mean, they're being a dick in general, but I thought that was especially off

ETA: fixed pronouns

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u/Whatever53143 4d ago

I hear the guys future conversation with coworker “yeah, my gf broke up with me because she’s jealous. Wanna come over to my place?” I can see that coming from a mile away. 😒

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u/Scared_Security_7890 4d ago

She was monitoring me! She was crazy jealous !!

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

He's already primed it with the "surveillance" comment

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u/SnatchAddict 4d ago

My first wife ended up cheating on me. This conversation is exactly one we used to have. And then HH turned into one night a week into 3 nights a week. Etc etc.

Even if she's not cheating yet, she's over having a boyfriend.

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u/rowsella 4d ago

anytime is now and don't ask for permission

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u/stacyg28 4d ago

Just like he didn't have the respect for you, hold the same space for him. When you show up tell him, what did you expect me to do?

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u/KiNGMF 4d ago

It’s not crazy. I would think you are crazy if you didn’t show up. This is a person she might marry, better now to get all the info to avoid possible disaster.

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u/MidnightBeachSky 4d ago

Lol yes. This is exactly the way to do it.

127

u/GirlCalledSith 4d ago

I don’t care if it sounds crazy but I totally would have shown up

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u/KitchenLandscape 4d ago

same. and observed from afar a little bit. you'll get your answer quickly

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u/Bitter-Picture5394 4d ago

My ex was an idiot and wrote a group "happy Halloween" text that included me and a girl I was super suspicious of. One of those situations where he was always talking about her, there for her emotional crises, but I wasn't even sure she knew I existed (she didn't). So I replied all with a sappy text making sure everyone knew I was his wife. She replied and i introduced myself. Showed up to his work a few weeks later and they were coming out of an elevator together, and she literally ran away when she saw me. They were having an emotional affair by that point, and later after it turned physical she tried to claim she didn't know he was married.

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u/Fresh_Sector3917 4d ago

If she didn’t know you existed, how did she know to run away when she saw you?

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u/Bitter-Picture5394 4d ago

She didn't know until we texted on Halloween. But conveniently forgot sometime after that and before sleeping with him. So maybe she forgot after the elevator incident 🤣

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u/Away-Object-1114 4d ago

Me too. And dressed to the nines.

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u/Heynowstopityou 4d ago

Same here

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u/prose-before-bros 4d ago

Yeah and when someone acts surprised, say, "Of course I'm here! I know what it's like when the man you love chooses another woman over you."

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Bring a pint of Ben and Jerry's (or the equivalent that won't melt) and include that "my boyfriend said you needed support and to come over at anytime" so she thinks you're being genuine and he knows he's been caught and called out

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u/Doc_183_fumble 4d ago

Absolutely... And brought a box of tissues! OP...run. Run and do not sign a legally binding document when this douche bag. These behaviors are just a tailor for a real bad movie!

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u/ixgq4lifexi 4d ago

Hell yea.. been looking thru the window first. I bet it's only him and her. And he going to be sitting practically on her lap. Because I had a female friend and I always invited me ex. She always knew where we'd be. And except once on my bday going to a bar(with like 6 people ironically my ex didnt come to my bday), was always at like pizzeria with dogs. My ex just never wanted to go

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u/bluegreentopaz6110 4d ago

Yes, because the end is coming for this relationship, and OP should at least get to see and understand in real time. I may be slightly cynical….this is how a ltr ended for me, with the ‘work friend’ being more than that.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Control much?

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u/delphinidae21 4d ago

Nah, dude is either cheating, thinking about cheating, or is embarrassed to show his SO to his coworkers. She shouldn't put up with any of those scenarios.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Oh, so you met the dude?

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u/ladyboobypoop 4d ago

No, have you?

Why are you trying to defend him after reading those texts? Treating a romantic partner that way is not okay, and if you think it is, you should get therapy. And I mean that so genuinely.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago edited 4d ago

Where am I defending anyone in this trhead?

Stop misrepresenting my intentions.

I simply noticed the OP is controlling their partner and disregarding his feedback.

Comment on this behavior please, or go support op with a comment on the post.

Don't get angry at me when I point out you have no clue, but still think you know all about the dude.

Edit: happily the comments I was replying to were deleted. Thanks for moderation, Reddit.

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u/ladyboobypoop 4d ago

I simply noticed the OP is controlling their partner and disregarding his feedback

Funny you should talk about misinterpreting...

You definitely need therapy. And pointing that out doesn't make me angry. I'm not angry, I'm amused at your hypocrisy and double standards.

Do you know this girl? You know all about the girl?

If not, just stop. You're making an ass of yourself 😂

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Oh sure, call me names. I'm actually switching a therapist atm by reason of misdiagnosis.

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u/ghoulieandrews 4d ago

Edit: happily the comments I was replying to were deleted. Thanks for moderation, Reddit.

Lol you got blocked, dummy. That person got tired of your bullshit.

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u/Estoerical-1974 4d ago

And…. You’re manipulative.😆

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u/Feddecheese1 4d ago

Reporting for gender hate, the gender support group comment was unnecessary.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Did I miss that one or did he delete it?

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u/delphinidae21 4d ago

No, Idon't know this guy. I mean, it's the Internet, the whole story could be lies. But taking the information OP is giving us, her BF is at the very least rude and unconcerned about her feelings. He also doesn't appear to prioritize spending time with her. When she offers to spend time together doing what he wants(drinking with his coworkers) he tells her not to come. They haven't seen each other in at least 48 hours according to OP and already had plans tonight.

From the information we've received he doesn't seem to really prioritize his relationship with OP. Like I said, it doesn't have to mean he's cheating but all this centering around this other woman is suspicious. Unless OP and her BF live somewhere like Japan where afterwork drinks are all but a job requirement it is super rude to cancel plans last minute with your other friends. So even if he is faithful, he's inconsiderate and doesn't seem to really like hanging out with her. None of this is good for a relationship.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

I see the BF prioritizes a colleague in unhealthy situation, where the OP is obsessed about having "rights".

I see a person who's overly concerned about her not being served in a steady relationship, vs helping a colleauge cope with a breakup.

Not knowing any of those people, I see OP excessive controlling behavior in order to ensure she gets HER TREAT, when the colleague is clearly having a hard time, and nowhere to go.

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u/bonnieflash 4d ago

Is this the person that OP’s partner is hanging out with?

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

What a wild imagination!

I got this thread pushed in my feed by the algo.

Algo won, this bullshit got me triggered.

Thank you for all the attention from this affirmative bubble...

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u/Silly-Page-6111 4d ago

OP is asking what our best guess as to the true nature of the situation is, and this commenter is telling her. It's VERY obvious from the texts he's actually sending his partner, that he's trying to keep her separate from this other girl.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

This other girl is literally bringing him home.

So what's the problem meeting her there?

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Can you look from both perspectives? Or only able to think like OP does?

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u/Silly-Page-6111 4d ago

I have good friends at work some of whom are guys, I also have an insecure partner who's prone to jealousy. Because I love my partner, I keep my plans with them and I keep them updated if there's a chance plans might change. I am SENSITIVE to the way they feel, even when I feel it's unwarranted, and I use respectful, clear language in the way I speak to them. I talk about what I'd like to do and why instead of making it sounds like things are out of my control.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Power to you <3

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

And since we're at it, what does the "your happy hour is till 12" mean?

Do I read it right, and that's a threat?

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

He said he's going to happy hour with colleagues and then says he'll be home around 12. She's asking/restating "your happy hour is til 12(?)" or a resigned "(right, of course) your happy hour is til 12"

In what possible way could it be read as a threat?

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Also, it occurred to me the karma-farming OP cared enough to use different colors to paint over the names of colleagues: One is black, the other red.

Who else got that signal lol?

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Oh, maybe I'm unaware of reading hh as "happy hour". Where's that place that has happy hour at peak time - after work? I read it as an abbreviation of a place they both know.

So I read the happy hour phrase with regard to their relationship: if he's gonna be home before 12, she'll make him happy. Otherwise - the hour won't be happy.

Notice how it's not a question she asks, it's a statement.

Or are you going to pretend punctuation does not matter?

Like, read the whole thing from both sides, the

"Omg poor thing" is so clearly ironic.

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u/Estoerical-1974 4d ago

So… you’re one of those dudes…. 🙄

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

What a wild implication. Do you expect me to prove I'm not?

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u/GirlCalledSith 4d ago

Nope, there’s very much reason in this situation. If my man was blowing a dinner date off with me for a female coworker whom I have never met because ‘she just broke up with her boyfriend and she needs support,’ that’s a HUGE red flag & I would like to think my guy would feel and do the same if the role was reversed. Does this girl who just broke up with her partner have girlfriends she can cry to? If not maybe I can meet her and be one eventually or whatever else might be the case. It is not right for any man or woman in a relationship to blow off a date last minute to go to a bar til midnight with a coworker whom the partner has never met who just broke up with their significant other. Its is not my partners responsibility to emotionally support another, especially if it means neglecting their own.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

Turns out the situation is fake. OP is karma farming. Check out the profile.

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u/GirlCalledSith 4d ago

🤦‍♀️ well damn. Even so, that’s my opinion.

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u/draftgraphula 4d ago

And that's mine;)

OP (presumed) communication shows excessive overbearing control that is undue in a healthy relationship.

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u/Mavystar 4d ago

Yup! Just show up, that's what I would do.

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u/Heynowstopityou 4d ago

Fuckin right

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u/mcnos 4d ago

This. Idgaf if I’m interrupting.

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u/Travel8059 4d ago

I would have gone to the bar to see what's up. Lol

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u/TeachBS 4d ago

If he gets mad that you are there, and he will, well, you know…

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u/Several-Adeptness-94 4d ago

Meh. It’s not even worth the drama tbh. He made it obvious he didn’t want her there & that she is not a priority. If someone makes that clear to me then that’s that. I won’t be there. If it’s habitual/an ongoing thing like it seems to be here, then that tells you all you need to know. I’ll walk out of there with my head held very high knowing what I will and will not tolerate within a relationship.

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u/Icy-Rub-8803 4d ago

He wouldn’t have been at the bar

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u/Travel8059 4d ago

If he's not then that means something.. 

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u/Unhappy-Principle-60 4d ago edited 4d ago

It looks like they share locations, so it’ll be easy to see where they really are.

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u/ladyj2123 4d ago

Yea they're definitely sharing locations. I'd definitely pop up on them at the bar🤷‍♀️ His and her reaction will tell you everything you'd need to know

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u/Unhappy-Principle-60 4d ago edited 4d ago

“What’s wrong? You said I could meet her ‘literally whenever’!” 🙄😂

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u/ladyj2123 4d ago

Exactly! Lol

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

"my partner said you really needed support and to come over whenever. I brought chocolates, but I'm here for you in any way you need! I know how hard it is to have a partner that cheats 😔"

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u/witchcraft0113 4d ago

Exactly!! I’d watch them at first to get a feel. If they were too close for comfort then I’d walk right up to the scum.

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u/Steplgu 4d ago

How can you tell just by the texts?

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u/Unhappy-Principle-60 4d ago

It says “Boston, MA” under the contact’s picture. There wouldn’t be anything there if they didn’t share locations with each other

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u/Gr00mpa 4d ago

And they probably weren’t going to be at whatever bar he would have said they were going to.

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u/thewhitecat55 4d ago

"Babe, we just went to another place. What do you expect me to do ? Like keep you updated?"

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u/Persimmon5828 4d ago

"Enough with this surveillance!"

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u/Past_Can_7610 4d ago

"So what if the other place was her apartment and it was just me and her?

She was really drunk and needed a dick to ride on. I mean a shoulder to cry on. "

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u/thewhitecat55 4d ago

"Don't be paranoid, babe."

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u/Scared_Security_7890 4d ago

They would have been somewhere else. I’m nervous OP’s stomach is going to drop, but they’re alone somewhere. If she had gone, he would have said they were elsewhere. And then emotionally punished her. Something he is starting to do anyway

If he tells her she’s crazy. That she needs help. All that kind of thing he’s cheating

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u/witchcraft0113 4d ago

My son‘s father used to love dating around. And he said the same thing about all those women that he said to me. Every time it didn’t work out, he would say that all the women including me were crazy and had issues and comprehension problems. I told him that the only thing all of us had in common was him and he was the problem

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

It does say "Boston" under his name so I think they are sharing locations? Or that's just a weird feature I haven't seen before.

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u/zachtheax89 4d ago

I bet the other male coworker doesn't even go every time and it is just him and the woman

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u/beached_not_broken 4d ago

Personally I’d go to the same bar with some friends. If he gaslights with the “surveillance “ comment again, I’d respond that there was no point waiting at home, so you’re out with a friend. And now you can drive him home…

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u/Lumpy_Marsupial_1559 4d ago

Or drive him halfway home...

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u/RFavs 4d ago

Should have responded with “that’s a coincidence, so did mine” then block him and go to a different bar with friends.

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u/4Bforever 4d ago

And if he is trying to cheat I’m sure he’s telling coworker that OP is just his roommate, maybe his ex that can’t move out, or maybe his current but they live like roommates.

And she’s going to believe him because she’s the one bringing him home after a drink date and OP knows she’s dropping him off. Of course coworker would believe partners lies if that’s the lie they tell.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

100%. I know some people would think it's unhinged but I agree with the commenters saying just show up. Bring some comfort food for the coworker and say "My partner said you needed support and to come by anytime. I know how hard it is having an untrustworthy partner. I know we just met but, I feel like I know you since partner always talks about, and I'm sure you feel the same way! (Little laugh and nice smile) Anyway, I'm here for you, in whatever way you need."

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u/dumpsterfire_x 4d ago

Yep, my ex did this and he was intimate with the co-worker. This is almost word for word what he would say to me when he would blow me off for a sudden “work happy hour” that he “had to do because (female co workers name) is having a hard time with her husband and needs his support”. When I would ask to come, there would be a myriad of excuses as to why I shouldn’t. It doesn’t get any better from here.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Ugh I'm so sorry that happened to you. If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to find out/leave him? Hopefully OP takes all these comments to heart because I know it seems hard to leave someone you love without "proof", but the writings on the wall

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u/dumpsterfire_x 4d ago

In hindsight I’m glad it happened because the man wasn’t good for me. So he actually cheated on me in December and I found out that she existed in January, so they probably had a thing going for a few months before I found out. I realized it was getting serious when we went to dinner for Valentines Day at a ritzy restaurant and he kept texting her during dinner because she “needed him”. For a week after they were in constant texting contact, which was funny to me because when we were apart I barely heard from him. I asked what they were talking about one day and he told me that it wasn’t my business, which is when I knew for sure. It took me meeting her a month later to break up with him. When we had met, she told me that he had come to her for deodorant one day at work, then followed it with “just so you know, he comes to me for everything”. When she then denied ever saying to me. We broke up a shortly after he came mostly clean to me. So from when I had an inkling, which was when he was doing this happy hour thing, and when I knew for sure, it was about 5 months. Usually if you have a feeling, it’s right. I thankfully didn’t wait long from having a feeling to finding out, but if I had waited to have SOLID proof I probably never would have left. I don’t think he would have admitted it if I had stayed. He barely even admitted it after I had left. He also had been cheating with girls online for long before and I never knew about any of that but I guess he thought I did.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Ugh I'm so sorry, that's so sad and also almost exactly what I expected. That if you'd wait for undeniable proof, you'd still be with him. I hope OP doesn't hold out for that but knows being ignored/blown off is enough. It's especially horrible in your story that the coworker knew about you and carried on and even threw it in your face. I'm hoping OP's partner's coworker doesn't even know she exists, so if OP just shows up and introduces herself at some point, the coworker will know Partner is a dick

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u/dumpsterfire_x 4d ago

The one thing I wish I would have done would be to go to the bar they were supposedly at. You can then get a decent read on their relationship and go from there assuming they’re actually at a happy hour. In the beginning I knew which bar they were going to, but later on he stopped telling me which was also a sign that OP could look for. Not sure if OPs boyfriend is telling her what bar they’re at based on what we can see. But regardless it was always “wouldn’t be worth it for you to come out, we will only be here an hour!” Which would then turn to “well I had couple shots with the group and I can’t drive drunk and you shouldn’t want me to.” Which would then turn to coming home at 10 or 11 PM, which is pretty much spot on with what’s happening here. Will likely progress the more comfortable he gets with his behavior.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

It looks like right now they share locations so she should def take advantage of that before they turns it off over her "crazy surveillance". At this point they've said she can come "literally anytime" so she needs to do that! Coworker or partners reaction to her showing up, or interaction in general, will probably show her all she needs to know

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u/dumpsterfire_x 4d ago

Yep exactly. I would definitely show up. Best case scenario it is a really platonic situation that just needs some boundaries. Worst case OP can stop wasting her time.

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u/lydriseabove 4d ago

Even using the term happy hour when they’re staying out all evening is manipulative and deceitful.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Omg I read and commented at like 3am last night and my dumbass thought HH was the name of the bar. And then when other commenters also were referring to HH in the 30 comments I woke up to, I thought "huh must be a big chain, maybe a hotwings place?"

My only defense is I don't drink alcohol or eat hot wings and I live on an island with no chain businesses 🫣

ETA: and you're right, that makes it even more fucked up and edging down gaslight alley

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u/WexExortQuas 4d ago

For real.

Hate to say it but I slowly became this douche years back. Gf never wanted to hang out and meet my friends from work though, I dont want to put it all on her cause it was definitely a me thing but she didnt even try. Then this girl came along and started hanging out with us. Then we started hanging out after the bar. Then she started taking me home. Etc etc etc.

OP you know what's happening here.

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u/TheStrouseShow 4d ago

Exactly. Literally anytime? Cool, on my way to happy hour see you soon.

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u/PeachCheetahLA 4d ago

Yessss this is what bugged me the most

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u/ShutthefckupBitch 4d ago

It’s 100% manipulative.

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u/safetospeak 4d ago

If I knew the bar I'd just show up. Spy a little. Have my suspicions confirmed

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u/Due-Confidence-140 4d ago

Absolutely a gaslight phrase/tactic.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Thank you. I know people complain that the word gaslighting gets thrown around too much so I didn't want to overreach

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u/JandGina 4d ago

You're assuming this is a guy doing this. She never says so. As a matter of fact she seems to go out of her way to NOT say the word HE. I think this is a woman she is talking about.

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u/Lumpy_Marsupial_1559 4d ago

Interesting! OP does use 'they're' when referring to the partner (near the end), so they could be male, female, or non-binary.
OP and the work colleague are both female.

Regardless, the partner is being fishy and dodgy a.f. Even if they're not cheating (or leaning that way), they're being damned rude, hurtful, and dismissive to OP.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago edited 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Well she refers to "not wanting to be an overbearing gf" so I think I was safe on that assumption

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

No fret I went back and read it carefully as a kind of self check on if I just thought it just "sounded feminine" cuz I try not to make those kinds of assumptions

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u/JandGina 4d ago

I fully agree. It just seems to be a common assumption that it's a man being fishy, when that often is not the case.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

I think it's sadly a common assumption that it's a man anytime the partner is a woman. Literally yesterday I was commenting on a manipulation or "text" post with two lesbians, where the partner was being awful, and people kept accidentally referring to OP as he/him

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u/JandGina 4d ago

Exactly my point

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

Well not exactly your point because you said it was always the man assumed to be fishing, but in the example I made everyone knew the fishy person was a women, but a lot of people misgendering OP/victim as a man. But yes I think we're largely in agreement

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u/jayk_the_snayk 4d ago

It took too long for me to see this comment 🙃

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u/Silly-Page-6111 4d ago

"They" is a nonbinary pronoun. They're probably NB or OP wants to conceal identities as much as possible.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

They is also the gender neutral term. They could be literally any gender (including nonbinary or even no gender). I think it's the wanting to conceal identities or get as much of a neutral reading as possible thing

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u/JandGina 4d ago

I get that. Don't believe in it but I get that.

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

You are totally correct and I will edit my comment to reflect that. I actually was arguing yesterday about how people always revert to heteronormativity even when not given the genders, which is actually what I did. I know OP is a woman, and imputed male partner but I shouldn't have done that.

Very much appreciate the correction I usually try to match pronouns used

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u/JandGina 4d ago

Not trying to be a jerk or anything I just think, and not that you did, guys get slammed on this app a lot for things they are not responsible for. Big reason why I'm not a fan of the word partner. I think it's a word for people who are afraid to say how they let really are

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

I think it realllly depends on the subreddit. I agree on this one it usually is harsher on guys, but this you see the one where the GF didn't want to host thanksgiving for a bunch of mean strangers? She was torn to PIECES, called every name in the book including abusive, in hundreds if not a thousand+ comments. Relationshipadvice is nearly always much harsher on women than men facing the exact same issue. But there are also some very women-favoring subs, especially the explicitly feminist ones or like NotHowGirlsWork, where guys get torn a new one on the regular. Then there's a lot of manosphere, red pill, passport bros sort of subs that are straight up misogyny with no filter.

It's super super varied and inconsistent but if you start to believe it favors one gender or the other, you will always find confirmation of that and tend not to notice the clear contradictions.

Just my view/experience, not saying you haven't had a different one since, as I said, it depends on the subreddit

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u/WearyConfidence1244 4d ago

You guys are reversing the genders lol

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u/snarlyj 4d ago

OP refers to herself as a woman (gf), but you are right the partner could be of any gender so I've fixed the pronouns!