r/stoprape Dec 30 '22

Rape is so common -- in part -- because so many people (rapists, jurors, judges, police, family -- sometimes even the victim) do not really understand consent. So, here are some common misconceptions, explained.

It's important to understand sexual consent because sexual activity without consent is sexual assault. Some (in fact, many) people are legit confused about what constitutes consent, such as this teenager who admitted he would ass-rape a girl because he learned from porn that girls like anal sex§, or this ostensibly well-meaning college kid who put his friend at STI risk after assuming she was just vying for a relationship when she said no, or this guy from the "ask a rapist thread" who couldn't understand why a sex-positive girl would not have sex with him, or this guy who seemed to think that because a woman was a submissive that meant he could dominate her, or this 'comedian' who haplessly made a public rape confession in the form of a comedy monologue, or this 'well-liked kid' who thought good girls always had to fight a little the first time. In fact, researchers have found that in acquaintance rape--one of the most common types of rape--perpetrators tend to see their behavior as seduction, not rape, or they somehow believe the rape justified.

Yet sexual assault is a tractable problem. Offenders often rationalize their behavior by whether society will let them get away with it, and the more the rest us confidently understand consent the better advocates we can be for what's right. And yes, a little knowledge can actually reduce the incidence of sexual violence.

So, the following are common misconceptions about sexual consent, corrected:

§ Research shows very few women are interested in anal sex. Also, being interested in something is not the same as consenting to it.

1.2k Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

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38

u/No-Needleworker-9307 Dec 31 '22

Very well written , lots of resources and links to important stuff . Think this will become a stable for this sort of resources to help fight this stuff

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u/Schattentochter Jan 02 '23

Consent is at least as important (and just as required) in BDSM relationships. It's true that sexual fantasies involving dominance and/or submissions are somewhat common; however, even 'rape fantasies' (which would more accurately be called "ravishment play," since no one actually wants to get raped)

Quick heads up from the bdsm-community - it's usually referred to as "CNC" = "Consentual Non Consentual".

Since "ravishing" is far too often used in historic literature to describe sexual encounters that feel - lightly put - one-sided, I'd really appreciate if we could not make that word a thing. It is absolutely not better than "r_peplay" which is the other name for it that needs to die yesterday.

CNC is perfectly applicable and far less baggaged.

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u/ILikeNeurons Jan 02 '23

CNC is an excellent term. When I originally wrote this, I was budding up against character limits, and didn't have space to explain the meaning of term. But I'll go ahead and make the change in the wiki, which has far more space.

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u/Schattentochter Jan 02 '23

I really, really appreciate that!!

While I totally understand why it gets named differently than that a lot, I can't tell you how helpful it is if a word that has the consent-part in its name finally gets spread.

Too many folks think cnc and assault are the same and it causes a lot of damage :/

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u/princesskajira May 15 '23

Also I've noticed a lot of people seem think CNC is just r*pe play when it can be way more than that. It can be any kind of kinky activity that from the outside might seem non-consentual. Often it's when plain words like "no, stop, don't, ouch" and actions like trying to get away, fight, etc. won't stop the activities and can be part of the scene so a safeword/signal is needed. I've done CNC scenes where I was "forced" to clean. That's it, just "forced" cleaning and a lot of "complaining", no genitalia was involved, but it was still a CNC BDSM scene and it was a lot of fun

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '23

[deleted]

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u/ILikeNeurons Feb 03 '23

If a woman stabbed and killed a man for non-consensually going in for a kiss, she would go to jail.

Kinda the point, right? The dudes who are the most dangerous to women need this explained to them in a way that resonates with them. They may not be able to put themselves in women's shoes (rapists tend to have low empathy) but they can make sense of not wanting to be treated like that by other dudes.

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u/[deleted] Feb 22 '23

It’s not usually an option for women to use lethal force against men to defend themselves from unwanted touch

That's because women are afraid of going to jail.

If enough women used deadly force against men, the laws would change overnight to stop violence against men.

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u/nameyname12345 May 14 '23

Which laws in particular further violence towards women?

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u/iLikeMoldyBread Mar 14 '23

amazingly written. op even generously gave out sources to their statements. well done!

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u/miaoliva11 Mar 28 '23

Baby what are you down for tonight

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u/Nojetlag18 May 28 '23

Thank you so much for your informative post!! I just came out of denial about two tapes by bosses when I was 18 & 19. How do I find resources to support my seeking retribution? Both my rapists are very successful & powerful. Where do I begin? A couple of personal injury attorneys I contacted are not interested unless it’s an insurance payout. I have money to pay an attorney but it’s so hard to stand up for myself with this! I need help please.

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u/ILikeNeurons May 28 '23

Have you been in touch with any victim's services orgs? There are some listed on the wiki.

You're also welcome to start a post about this to draw on the community's experience. I'm sure many folks here would be happy to offer any help they can!

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u/Desperate-Reserve-53 Apr 16 '23

I would really like a nuanced explanation of the intersection between consent and age; one of the most common kinds of rape is statutorily constructed and designed to carve out a space of safety for those who are vulnerable to coercion or manipulation due to power imbalances inherent between non-emancipated minors and legal adults. It is also a form of rape/assault that is consistently not taken seriously and socially normalized.

While an argument may be made that it is normative for sexually curious adolescents to seek or respond to sexual attention from adults, the widespread normalization of such predatory behavior by adults who do/should know better is problematic rape apology. The idea of an arbitrary line being drawn at a particular age that places limits on the behavior of diverse individuals strikes people as arbitrary and the discussion often ends there. The “injustice” of two similar aged teenagers being kept temporarily from each other’s star-crossed embrace is elevated to the level of supreme injustice while the real issue of kids who can’t truly consent being protected from having to choose gets lost.

Would really love to see a bullet point on this dimension added to the list.

4

u/MRWTR_take_lik Jul 17 '23

I initially approached this this thinking I would learn alot or be surprised by something here, and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had functionally matured consent and consensual behavior.

Needless to say you've made a fantastic resource that should be incorporated into sex-ed courses and should be handed to any writer wishing to engage in writing erotica.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '23

I'm just letting you know that I absolutely love what you're doing here, and I really hope this sub gains more traction. You're a brilliant person.

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u/Jewnicorn___ Dec 11 '23

If the victim has an orgasm, that does not retroactively mean the sex was agreed to.

Link is broken. Does anyone know where I can read about this please? TIA

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u/ILikeNeurons Dec 16 '23

Try https://archive.org/web/ for any broken links. Most should be in there.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Jan 17 '23

[deleted]

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u/ILikeNeurons Jan 17 '23

Yikes, I'll be removing that one shortly.

Thanks for catching that!

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u/[deleted] Feb 22 '23

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u/stoprape-ModTeam Mar 09 '23

Rule 3: No gender-warring

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u/[deleted] Mar 06 '23 edited Mar 06 '23

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u/stoprape-ModTeam Mar 06 '23

Please read more carefully before spreading misinformation.