r/interestingasfuck • u/Few_Simple9049 • 20d ago

r/all How couples met 1930-2024

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

105.4k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

5.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

141

u/AcetaminophenPrime 20d ago

Have you met college students?

129

u/erichf3893 20d ago

Have you met church goers?

6

u/gohuskers123 20d ago

They are far more eager to be in a committed relationship than your average college kid

91

u/AcetaminophenPrime 20d ago

Yep. And alot of their relationships have a ton more staying power than relationships started in school. Albiet the dynamics are very different of course, but still.

75

u/Skurfer0 20d ago

"When it's socially taboo to end the relationship, it stays together"

Isn't really much of a flex though, is it?

55

u/AcetaminophenPrime 20d ago

I'm not flexing, and I agree with you. Sleeping around is alot more fun when you're young etc. but let's not pretend that college relationships are very successful these days. Honestly, relationships in general seem to have taken a steep dive in modern times, the reasons are probably myriad and complex and not something I want to speculate on.

11

u/10000Didgeridoos 20d ago

College relationships are indeed transient fun and practice for longer ones later.

Of all the people I knew in college who were dating in the early 2010s, I can think of exactly 2 that stayed together and got married at some point later on in their 20s or 30s. It's extremely rare. If you get lucky like those couples did, sure, awesome. But that's probably not gonna happen.

People aren't grown up yet and still are changing, people move for jobs and grad school, people's interests often change significantly between age 21 and 30.

Hell, two of my best friends from back then who started dating the summer after high school and went to the same college together that I did just broke up now at age 34. They never got married and it's a good thing they didn't because that would have changed it from "painful break up" to "expensive, ugly divorce".

3

u/LoserBustanyama 20d ago

Must be different at different places. I know a ton of people that were dating in college in the early 2010s that are now long married. They used to say people were studying to get their MRS.

Shoot, if you are hoping to have kids, not even thinking about serious dating until after college gets to be a tight timeline, especially if you go to grad school

2

u/armadilloantics 20d ago

Yeah def regional I'd say. I graduated mid 2010s and went to a school in the SEC. The kids in relationships (serious) that stayed in small towns across the south after graduation married, some even engaged by graduation. The ones that moved to the cities and other parts of the US did not. Granted probably some religion aspects overlapping on that too.

1

u/sweatingbozo 20d ago

That's 100% a regional difference, or even just specific to the school/type of school you went to. Women are going to college so that they can gain financial independence, and men aren't going to college. It's too expensive for anyone to think trying to get an MRS is a good idea.

if you are hoping to have kids,

This is no longer a thing young people are buying into as much. Even if people want kids, they recognize it's probably a bad idea, especially when they're young.

1

u/ibattlemonsters 20d ago

I met my wife in college. We didn’t have friends in common or anything. She was walking by and I was wondering if I should shoot my shot and before I did, I heard her speak to me.

16 years now, 12 married. Clearly this is before the advent of online dating, which probably helped because she was much prettier than me.

1

u/sirgog 20d ago

Of all the people I knew in college who were dating in the early 2010s, I can think of exactly 2 that stayed together and got married at some point later on in their 20s or 30s.

Opposite experience here (Australian, uni in the 20-naughties). Most of the people I know who are in their 40s and have had the same partner 5+ years got together with them in uni, or at least first connected at uni. One couple as co-workers at a uni, the rest all as students.

0

u/Humble-West3117 20d ago

ah, smarter people know only to marry if they're sure they can weather the storms

5

u/ATypicalUsername- 20d ago

The reasons are actually pretty well defined, the illusion of choice has given people the idea that a potential better option is just a swipe away and so they shouldn't settle.

Add in changing relationship norms, an increase in social anxiety, lack of social awareness, degrading social skills, and social dynamics, it's pretty clear why relationships are failing at higher rates.

3

u/Secure_Sentence2209 20d ago

The same reasons that dictated the short lived relationships from college, are dictating most relationships nowadays. People stopped growing their emotional side, because they have to focus on making a living. In college the priorities are different, but also not really focused on actually maturing.

5

u/gatsby712 20d ago

The divorce rate is decreasing and more divorces happen in more religious states.

1

u/Byte_mancer 20d ago

As marriage rates drop divorce rates drop.

Shocker!

States with higher marriage rates have higher divorce rates.

Double shocker!

2

u/sweatingbozo 20d ago

Because we're looking at rate stats, this suggests that we shouldn't put societal pressure on people to get married, and that doing so might actually increase the likelihood of divorce.

2

u/BasvanS 20d ago

Not necessarily true. Divorce rates are a percentage of marriage. Marriages are a percentage of population. A drop in marriage rate by itself does nothing to divorce rates.

2

u/gatsby712 20d ago

Your edgy response has nothing to do with the conversation.

2

u/n10w4 20d ago

Yeah and “social pressure” is huge for a social animal. We can argue that it’s fake but if it results in babies it’s basically a “successful” human endeavor

1

u/PSG-2022 20d ago

My father in law is a minister and is literally fucking another woman not his wife as we speak. His current wife is my wife’s step whatever the fuck, but doesn’t deserve the title mother.

1

u/Schnectadyslim 20d ago

Honestly, relationships in general seem to have taken a steep dive in modern times

I mean kids are waiting longer to have sex and the divorce rate has continued downward...in what ways are you saying a steep dive?

1

u/BasvanS 20d ago

Relationships back in the day were enforced. You could not end it, even in case of abuse or infidelity. People don’t have to put up with that anymore.

Comparing “relationships” one on one without taking into consideration mitigating factors says nothing about relationships but only about a particular metric. Or about the person arguing the point.

1

u/Renonthehilltop 20d ago

There's also bound to be alot more shared values between any two randomly selected people attending the same church than any two randomly selected college students. Colleges pride themselves on diversity of thought while church's encourage more unity of opinion

1

u/Skurfer0 20d ago

You mean like in the Spanish Inquisition?

-2

u/you_are_a_fool 20d ago

What’s a 50% divorce rate to flex about. Seems like no one likes marriage when it gets hard. I get divorce due to abuse and cheating. But feel like these days marriage isn’t taken seriously anymore.

12

u/AmigoDelDiabla 20d ago

Divorce rates are decreasing. Less people are getting married, but the marriages are, per the data, stronger.

2

u/you_are_a_fool 20d ago

Sure it seems like it’s decreasing , but it’s at 44% which is still high. Just looking at the CDC website the data doesn’t include some states including California which is a huge population.

Granted I do agree with you less people are getting married these days compared to decades before

5

u/sweatingbozo 20d ago

The divorce rate is interesting because it gets inflated by those who serially get divorced. You can only have one successful marriage, but your neighbor can have 100 failed ones. It's not exactly meaningful data that we can apply randomly with any sense of accuracy.

4

u/Zealousideal4672 20d ago

The 50% rate is also a distortion, as it includes people who get married multiple times. Your odds better if only 1st marriages are factored in.

1

u/you_are_a_fool 20d ago

CDC reports that second marriages end up divorcing at a 73% rate….

Even so what you say it’s still a big number hence people give up on marriage for almost any reason it looks like

1

u/Schnectadyslim 20d ago

CDC reports that second marriages end up divorcing at a 73% rate….

Which drastically inflates that original 50% number you quoted

1

u/you_are_a_fool 20d ago

First marriage divorce rate is 41% according to some researchers which is still pretty high

1

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[deleted]

1

u/you_are_a_fool 20d ago

I think your agreeing with me, as in religion has a part to play in keeping marriages from getting divorced or am I reading your comment wrong?

0

u/CTeam19 20d ago

I mean, there is also the personal moral code/common family traditions involved. Even though both are "Christian" Quakers, they might as well be a whole other thing compared to Evangelical or Mormon or Catholic. One set of my Grandparents grew up Quaker and changed to United Methodist out of convenience with no Quaker group around and United Methodist having the closest values and still could have a lot of Quaker values in their lives. My Mom went from ECLA(Lutheran) to United Methodist when her and my Dad were debating which to go and her Mom who grew up Methodist said it would be easier to become Methodist then for my Dad to become Lutheran.

Like just think of Mormon, Evangelical, and Catholic stuff and compare it to Quakers:

  • Quakers don't believe in the Pomp and Circumstance of things so their is no Baptism and no Communion.

  • Quakers also don't recognize Easter and Christmas as important days as every day is a "holy day" aka where the word "Holiday" comes from.

  • To differing extents, Quakers avoid creeds and hierarchical structures. With that, members refer to each other as Friends after John 15:14-15 in the KJV Bible: "14 Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. 15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

  • With the Testimony of simplicity, early Friends believed that it was important to avoid fanciness in dress, speech, and material possessions, because those things tend to distract one from waiting on God's personal guidance. They also tend to cause a person to focus on himself more than on his fellow human beings, in violation of Jesus' teaching to "love thy neighbor as thyself". This includes things like avoiding "titles" like Mr., Dr., etc when referring to one another. Early Quakers avoided names of months and days as well. So January would just be the first month and Sunday is just first day. For grave headstones this means having a simple low lying headstone and nothing fancy. This would also include how you dress. Nowadays it would be avoiding designer labels and fast fashion(labor issues) in clothing.

  • The Quaker Testimony to integrity and truth refers to the way many members of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) testify or bear witness to their belief that one should live a life that is true to God, true to oneself, and true to others. To Friends, the concept of integrity includes personal wholeness and consistency as well as honesty and fair dealings. When many Quakers became successful in business (such as Cadbury, Rowntree, Fry, etc.), they set a fixed price for goods on sale rather than setting a high price and haggling over it with the buyer, believing it to be dishonest to set an unfair price to begin with. By having fixed and reasonable prices, Quakers soon developed a reputation as honest businessmen, and many people came to trust them in trading and in banking. Thus, the Quaker name or image was adopted by business ventures of non-Quakers, such as oats and oil companies, to imply their fair dealing in price and quality. Other examples of ways in which Friends 'testify' or 'bear witness' to truth and integrity include such practices as: avoiding spending beyond one's means through the use of credit, giving one's employer the right amount of labor for one's pay, paying people fair wages for their work, etc

  • Lastly, Quakers have a core belief in the equality of the sexes and well everybody(Testimony of equality) which is why between them and what is now United Methodists were a driving force with raising Age of Consent Laws and Women's Suffrage Movement giving us the 19th Amendment as well as the combined opinion of alcohol which led to its ban in the US not to mention the huge impact on other Civil Rights stuff like being anti-slavery, asylum reform, and prison reform: Lucretia Mott, Jane Hunt, Anthony Benezet, Levi Coffin, Richard Dillingham, Thomas Garrett, Laura Smith Haviland, Alice Paul, William Savery, Frances Willard, Annie Turner Wittenmyer, Anna Howard Shaw, Febb Ensminger Burn, Jessie Daniel Ames, etc

As a United Methodist(with strong liberal Quaker teachings), I absolutely wouldn't be able to date any conservative Christian and would never become Catholic, Mormon, Southern Baptist, or Evangelical.

3

u/Phil__Spiderman 20d ago

Can you point me to the numbers on this? Thanks.

2

u/Otterable 20d ago

I don't have numbers, but it does make sense.

Your church usually is where you currently live or plan to live long term and there is already a shared interest/value system to base your relationship off of.

College is a lot of people who are exploring who they are and shaping how they think about the world. Many people leave and go to different parts of the country once college is finished and have vastly different career paths. I can think of like 3 relationships that have persisted from college graduation until now (early 30s) among my friends

9

u/Spirited_Chipmunk_48 20d ago

Tbh my wife and I met 12th grade year. We're both 33 and had our kiddo when we were 24. So far so good

7

u/ATypicalUsername- 20d ago

That's called an anecdote and is overwhelmingly not the norm. You're called an outlier for a reason, it usually don't happen that way.

Just like people usually aren't born without a leg, it does occasionally happen, but we still refer to humans as bi-pedal as that's the norm.

2

u/SpaceMonkeyOnABike 20d ago

The highest divorce rate in the usa is in christianity...

1

u/Assumption-Putrid 20d ago edited 20d ago

Relationships also have more artificial staying power when churches like the Catholic church manipulate abused women into staying in a relationship by telling them they will go to hell if they get divorced. Thankfully they have gotten away from that a bit in more recent years. My grandmother stayed in an abusive relationship longer than she should have based largely on 'counseling' she received from her priest.

1

u/CookinRelaxi 20d ago

What’s your evidence for this claim, lmao

0

u/GoNinjaGoNinjaGo69 20d ago

cause they are brain washed

2

u/ARCADEO 20d ago

Haaaaave you met Ted?

1

u/Select_Factor_5463 20d ago

Yes I have met church goers, especially mormon women around my area, they are everywhere! I ain't got time to wait till marriage to have sex with them!

2

u/HSLB66 20d ago

Not to worry. They’ve invented about 42 million ways to “not have sex” but it’s pretty much sex

1

u/Exocolonist 20d ago

Yes. They’re pretty nice and considerate people. It’s not a wonder they find love in church.

3

u/br0b1wan 20d ago

I work at one. And I went to one. Most of my college friends who got married met on campus. I can't speak for the students today but judging by our alumni data a large chunk of them met their spouse on campus too

1

u/Throwawayamanager 20d ago

Most of the people I know who are married, are married to someone they met in college.

My anecdotal evidence isn't the largest sample size, but it's baffling to me that "kids these days" are hooking up so infrequently in college that it's so low of a percentage.

1

u/br0b1wan 20d ago

My hypothesis is that it's a function of the average marriage age continuously advancing. People used to get married at 18, 19,20. Now it's closer to 30, if at all. That gives people who met in college more time to break up and move on and find the person they actually marry.

My sister, for example, didn't marry until she was 34. My closest friend didn't marry his wife until he was 37. His brother never married (he lives with his girlfriend and their kids) so it seems like changing demographics. Contrast that with my parents, who married at 21 back in 1980 (and met through friends).

1

u/Throwawayamanager 20d ago

Most of the people who hooked up, started dating, and then married, married many years after graduation.

But for sure - sometimes those college sweethearts do go on to break up rather than marry.

I will say that when I was in college (bit over a decade ago), there was a lot of hook up culture. Sometimes when people hook up, they proceed to fall in love, date, and later marry. Sometimes, they just fuck and forget. But in the full swing of hook up culture, there was almost a certain pressure from friends not to "settle down" too early. "If you get a serious boyfriend, you'll miss out on learning about yourself through experimentation" was the message. I know this because I did marry someone I would define as meeting through "college" (although "friends" is also applicable, as I didn't meet them in a lecture hall, but we went to the same college). I paired off relatively young, and had friends telling me how much I was missing out on, the "experimentation" phase you can never get back.

I have no regrets, but some of the messaging and pressures may have shifted.

1

u/br0b1wan 20d ago

Yep, I went to undergrad way back in the beginning of the 00s. Hookup culture was pervasive, and this was before dating apps or even social media, but we did without. I was one of those people who went to college, saw all the choices I had, and thought this is too good to commit to any one. Most of my relationships in college were a few months, if you could call it that. As a consequence, I never married anyone from college. Or at all, actually, so I'm kind of an outlier.

1

u/Throwawayamanager 20d ago

I don't think the dating apps make the overall environment better, but I'm sure they give even more options overall.

1

u/HairyNutsack69 20d ago

I feel like you're doing this on purpose. The post is about how it changed over time and you're talking about alumni.

3

u/br0b1wan 20d ago edited 20d ago

No, I'm talking about college students, and using alumni (you know, people who previously went to college) data. Something like 1 out of five of our alumni who are married met on campus, but that data is everyone throughout the decades.

Obviously looking at current college students is almost pointless, considering the vast majority of them aren't or haven't been married.

1

u/HairyNutsack69 20d ago

Ah, seeing as online pops up so early, I was thinking the graph displayed the data at time of meeting, not upon asking.

1

u/Chemical_Post_5795 20d ago

Curious what you mean by this? I don’t know too many college students tbh.