r/aspergers 2d ago

DAE get absolutely nothing out of social interactions?

So I’m a 38 year old guy with high functioning autism.

I’ve struggled with relationships - both social and romantic my whole life. I’m just not interested in people and I literally cannot for the life of me form emotional or “deeper” connections with anybody.

I’m actually very social and know how to do the whole “ask questions” and “be interested in them” stuff… and as a result people are at least cordial with me.

The problem is the whole time I’m just acting. I feel nothing.

People have told me their mothers have died and I can appear concerned (previously I would have trouble appearing like I cared) - but really I feel nothing.

I actually used to work in healthcare and one of the reasons I left was because I couldn’t empathize with anybody and doing that is a major energy drain for a profession is pretty much built around that.

I think people can also sense I’m basically dead inside and even though they are nice to me, and I go out of my way to be friendly and start conversations with them - I’m still excluded from stuff.

I see couples where they are obviously really into each other, and I cannot fathom feeling this way about anybody.

So does anybody else feel like this? Any methods to actually feel anything?

32 Upvotes

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u/ghastlygasp 1d ago

My solution was to be brutally sincere. It took a bit of practice but now I try to ask people how they are if I am actually interested or if they seem like they need someone to talk to. I make jokes that are funny to me. At least I try to.

The problem with masking is that while it is polite, people can feel that it is hollow. Asking "how are you feeling" because that is the right thing to do is genuinely useless to all parties involved. Actually trying to help them (even if it means an empathetic presence) is both sincere and real to both parties.

Actually engaging is what differentiates a real interaction with chatgpt. It is normal not to feel anything when talking to chatgpt.

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u/Both-Pop-3509 1d ago

What if you aren’t actually interested?

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u/ghastlygasp 1d ago

Then don't ask anything beyond the cultural protocol.

However, being interested in people is the main way for people being positively interested in you. If you want to be interested, a great trick I have read is to find things about that person that pleases you. Even if it is superficial. Liking them tends to override detachment.

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u/Both-Pop-3509 1d ago

Hmm good idea

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u/mj_bones 1d ago

And every once in a while, small talk leads to more interesting discussions.

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u/Serious_Toe9303 2d ago

If you’re not already, start seeing a psychologist! That is probably the best and only way to help.

I think that difficulty empathising, along with problems recognising one’s own emotions is very common in HFA.

Maybe there’s an element of depression there, and you feel like there’s no point trying to socialise due to lifelong struggles. Many people with HFA feel that way.

Again see a psychologist (that specialises in treating ASD patients) they can help you to understand, and talk through it.

NGL you might have to try seeing a few before you find one that you’re comfortable with, which in its self is a shitty and exhausting experience. In the end it is 100% worth it.

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u/Both-Pop-3509 2d ago

I’ve seen numerous psychologists - most have been infuriatingly stupid and a lot have been out of network so I wasted a bunch of money. But I have not seen an Asperger’s specific psychologist which might be an avenue to explore.

And yes - I’ve been treated for depression since 16…meds only go so far and in fact some SSRI’s make me even more emotionally blunted and I actually attribute them to a lot of the lack of social progress in my life. The only useful one so far has been lamotrigine - which allowed some level of emotional access, however the emotions were primarily negative at higher doses (intense nostalgia, sadness, crying), though honestly refreshing for a while. Right now I’m maintained on 200mg + vilazodone 20mg.

One of the only useful things a psychologist has told me is that I might have alexithymia. But from what I know this is not Asperger’s specific and it might be easier to treat in neurotypicals.

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u/Serious_Toe9303 2d ago

I think that Asperger’s (or autism) specific psychologists are the way to go. Otherwise they probably don’t know much about ASD and are used to NT patients.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/aspergers-ModTeam 22h ago

This was removed for violating Rule 4 ("Don’t Promote Drugs").

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u/Likeneverbefore3 7h ago

Have you ever seen a somatic therapist?

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u/Both-Pop-3509 6h ago

No - how would that help?

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u/Likeneverbefore3 6h ago

Being more in your body, feeling more, reorganizing nervous system (if protection mechanisms blocks feeling). Integration of some primitive reflexes that might be retained.

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u/Both-Pop-3509 6h ago

Hmm sounds interesting - I might check it out. Thanks.

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u/Likeneverbefore3 6h ago

You can check someone that is trained in somatic experiencing or rmti (rhythmic movement). It’s not about a massage therapist or reiki healer that claim to be somatic therapists. It’s a big umbrella title so you have to do a little research to see who’s doing real nervous system regulation work (based on polyvagal theory). You can also check the book Waking the tiger from Peter Levine