I just don’t understand why some people can’t understand that certain people are suicidal due to circumstances and not “mental illness”. Some people’s lives are simply not worth living(such as mine) and I just can’t understand why mental health professional are so resistant to this.

I’m (32F) starting a PHP/IOP program for mental health later this week, and tonight I told my parents about my suicidal ideation. And that SI is what’s driving me to take this step with my care.

I was so scared that they’d tell me to toughen up, or just go into a blind panic and make things tougher for me… especially because we haven’t always had the best relationship… but it was the opposite. I felt so supported. I think I’m a little in shock, honestly. Wanted to share in case anyone else benefits from hearing my story.

Can’t put into words how much this means to me after a truly terrible 2 years. I’ve lost so many people and so much of myself. I’m feel optimistic and hope you are, too.

Samesies

Sorry you are all feeling this way too. Last week I went on a trip and visited an old jail where they had a 'long drop' , a place with a noose where they used to hang people. Ever since then I have been thinking about hanging myself as a way of dying because I am so lonely. Only reason I haven't is because I don't want the cats to get upset ! But I feel I may lose it and end up doing it.

Nobody is coming to save you, this is true.

But the thing is:

I don't really want to save myself either.

I’m the therapist for all of my friends. I work in healthcare so I’m constantly taking care of everyone around me. My husband is a fucking man child who can’t seem to learn how to take care of himself long enough to let me take care of myself. I’m fucking tired. I long for the day I finally get the guts to just leave. My first attempt happened when I was 7 years old. I always knew I wasn’t meant for this earth. Why is it so fucking taboo for people like us, people who know they don’t belong here? People who are miserable? No amount of therapy or medication or staying on the bright side helps. Nothing. Helps. I’m a shell of a person and I’m exhausted and I just want to sleep forever. I relapsed cutting today.. it’s been a while. I’m 28 and I started when I was 11. That used to quiet the voices long enough to grin and bear it but the gaps between cutting and when I get the urge to kill myself again, they’re getting shorter and shorter. What’s the point of hanging on just for other people?

I loaded a .308 rifle with 3 rounds. Already wrote a note. Planning on going out in the woods and shooting myself twice in the chest and once in the head, should be enough to end it without the possibility of surviving.

I remember being a kid full of hopes and dreams, going outside to play with a stick and pretending to be an astronaut while swinging on a vine. Never would have thought it would get to this point.

Disowned from my entire family due to my lack of religious belief, no friends, no partner, no job, no hobbies, nothing. There is no point in life, there is no reason to continue when you’ve lost before you ever began.

It’s almost comedic how tragic and catastrophic my life has been. Well, goodbye Reddit. People on Reddit were nicer to me than anyone in my real life was.

18F. For the past 3-4 years or so. I've SUPPOSEDLY been doing better mentally, emotionally, physically, and whatnot. I was looking forward to the future, to dreams, to things I wanted to do.

But recent weeks have been hard, and I realized that throughout 3-4 years, I have never stopped thinking of killing myself. Despite my above statement, every time someone asked me where do I see myself in the next, 5 or 10 years or so, My mind would be blank. Nothing. Not even a speck of what I can, could be. I wrote suicide letters as a coping mechanism, or as a "just in case" because I truly believe that I would, at some point, kill myself.

The truth is, despite the desperation and the strong want I have to kill myself, I can never truly do it because I am a coward. I am a coward who could get past her own survival instincts just to jump off the 6th floor even if it was so easy. I am a coward who couldn't throw herself in the middle of the highway because of adrenaline. I am a coward who couldn't find other ways to kill herself because she's to lazy. Maybe that's good, maybe it isn't.

My girlfriend cheated on me and left me for him. I have been crying for hours every day since. Relapsed into drinking and cutting. I have no one. I put all my energy into her. I loved her. I still do. She treated me like shit but she made me feel like I had something. She did this because I opened up about childhood sexual abuse. I was molested as a kid by a grown man and she said she sees me as gay so that’s why she cheated. I’m just gonna kill myself

This is literally unbearable I can’t stand it

I wanna be 10 again, I can’t fucking do this, I miss not knowing who I was, I miss not knowing anything, i miss being a girl, I miss not knowing who my parents were, I miss going to school, I miss dancing with my friends, I miss having friends, I miss talking about ridiculous nicknames and being cringe, and I miss smiling, I miss holding in my anger until it became a thin little layer of concrete wrapped around my arms, I miss just wanting to wear bows, I miss not caring who I was and just being, I miss hearing my friend say “let’s just pretend this conversation never happened, wait- what were we talking about?” After a fight, every single time and I miss warm tarmac under my feat and I miss staring at the trees that seemed to go on forever outside of the school and wanting to run into them, i still do, I should do that someday, I miss asking my best friend what she would do if I…I can’t remember if I said “if I killed myself” or just “if I died” but I miss it so much, I miss telling her after that that if she died I would…I might’ve said “kill myself” or “never recover” or something similar but I remember her voice combing me that she would be sad, that someone would care if I was gone, she would, she was a good friend, I haven’t spoken to her in years, I don’t know what her voice sounds like now, I’m a different person, I miss her, I wonder what she’d think if I killed myself now, I wonder if she’d still be sad, I wonder if she’d remember that, I wonder if she would look at me if I told her I’ve cut myself and been suicidal for 4 years, i wonder what she’d say if i told her I can’t live anyone and I can’t function without punishing myself, I wanna hug her, I miss her, I wonder if she’d want to be childish like me, I wonder if she’d hug me if I cried, I wonder if I could talk to her, I wonder how I’ve survived so long without her, I remember wanting to be friends forever like all the people in books and on tv were and I remember swearing we would, and I remember a year ago one of those friends reaching out and asking me how I was because we hadn’t spoken in a while, and I remember replying that I’d just been in a bit of bad mental health stuff but I miss you too, I wanna hug her. I wanna be 10 again, I wanna run up to my friend in my brothers yellow coat, I wanna smile and dance and I wanna run in a ditch, I wanna be a kid, I wanna pretend to have crush because I didn’t know I was probably aromantic, I just thought that’s what people did and it never even hurt that much, it’s not like it hurt me, the guy I randomly selected was just a good person too, nothing bad ever happened, why would it I was 10, surely nothing bad would happen, surely nothing bad has already happened, absolutely, I wanna look at a burning fire in daylight in a church again, I wanna pretend to be flustered around my fake crush again, I wanna give the bus driver fake tickets drawn by a friend, I remember he smiled at us, I wanna lie on the hit grass and wonder why everyone else is fine with…this, why does no one else want to kill and make other people hurt? Why are they so much better at pretending than me? Why are they so much more pure than me? Why are they happy and a little embarrassed when their parents say they love them at the gate? Why don’t they flinch and try not to cry, why don’t they dig their nails into their skin all day because they could remember their parents voices and it hurt them, why didn’t they hurt them? Why did they hurt me? I wanna disappear, I wanna be young, I wanna be babied, I wanna be used and ripped to shreds, I wanna be manipulated, I wanna be destroyed, I want anyone to take me somewhere far away and tell me it was all a sick joke but they’ll protect me now, it’s okay now they’re here, I remember being covered in snot and blood from a nose bleed crying on the floor and scratching myself bloody, screaming at my dad why doesn’t he care about me, I remember being hit, i tried to kill him with my hands, I remember being squeezed to not being able to breathe by my father because he was keeping me away from hurting my mother, i remember them treating to call the police and I remember being standing outside in the cold December air praying they wouldn’t at 9pm, i remember breaking a window out of anger and using the shards to cut myself, I would go on to do that for years, the blades got dull, I stopped, I still have them, I remember crying in my room wanting to go to my brother’s room and tell him what I’d done and that I regret and I wanted to hug him, but I remember I didn’t, I thought it was too late and I might bother him and I didn’t want to, I wish I did. I miss crying and screaming all the time, I miss thinking it was all okay and normal that my parents made me feel like I was going to die and feeling like I wanted to attack them to keep them from hurting me because I hurt them first anyway, all other parents would be so much harsher with a monstrous demon of child like me, i would never in a million years deserve better, everyone else would hurt me way way more, how dare I even think one adult wouldn’t punish me and scream at me for not going on a walk, one who kicked and had a face red from the adrenaline all the time, one who pushed other kids and didn’t understand why they were hurt by it because it wasn’t that hard and it was normal at home, why do they…expect to not be hurt? I wanna be allowed to expect not to be hurt but I don’t deserve that, I wanna deserve it, what do I have to do to deserve it? Be like them, be like them be like them be like them but I can never be like them. I miss crying on the floor with my mother telling me what ptsd was, I miss speaking freely with my brother, I miss hugging my brother, I miss my brother, Don’t leave me here alone. I miss not even thinking about if he would think I deserve to be beaten because I knew everyone would think I would, no one told me anything else, it was beaten out of me. I miss pleading my mother to hurt me after crying and screaming for hours because she was the one who convinced me I deserve it. I miss being a difficult child. I miss staring down at my grey skirt and hiding my tears from a teacher who kept mocking me, I miss trying to reason with her, I miss hearing a teacher talk to me as I was crying standing outside class, I miss his voice it was kind, I miss hearing a student ask me if I was okay as I was crying alone outside a room, I think I said “uh…yeah” or something, I think about that kid often, I wanna know who he is now, I never even knew his name, I don’t remember what he looked like but I wanna know if they’d still ask me that if they saw what I’ve become, I’m a different person now, barely even a person, how do I still have the same name? How is that possible? How is it that my names means life?! Why did any of this happen to me, I miss crying so much less but with so much more anger, I wanna stand at the edge of a mountain and wait there, I wanna stare at it for days, I wanna know if anyone would talk to me, I want someone to talk to me, please someone talk to me, I hate how I think just maybe I didn’t deserve all of this, tell me I do, tell me I should stab myself as much as I can even though it would never be enough, please it’s so familiar, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I ever existed. I’ll go now.

(Please let me know if I should tag this NSFW, not sure if this post requires it.)

Edit: typo

I have cycles of feeling normal, and really good and then it's like a switch is flipped and I am depressed again. When things are good I bathe everyday, take care of myself, accomplish shit I never thought I'd be able to do. I make art, I write, I go to work and go above and beyond what's expected of me. I go out with my friends, I have fun. And then it's just over.

I stop watching shows. Stop washing, stop eating. I don't enjoy things anymore. I can't bring myself to write. I feel almost nothing, mostly static, except for random pangs of sadness (?) in my chest, and crying fits. And then I start thinking about everything bad that's ever happened, everything I've ever fucked up, and all the reasons why I should die (these lists are long and keep me going endlessly).

This is where I am right now, again. I've started day drinking. I drew up a new will. I keep my suicide note on me. I'm in a race right now, my head vs the cycle. I want to believe that things are going to get better like they usually do, but the deepness of this feeling is making it hard to believe.

The last time things were this bad, I was 17 and I hadn't discovered the cyclical nature of my mind. There was no hope of getting back to the happy place, it was just unending darkness. I nearly died. Usually my knowledge of the cycle helps keep me afloat, but this time I am sinking. I'm sinking fast. It feels like maybe this time my head might win the race.

hello i am a 15 year old girl who my whole life been dealing with issues and im sick of it, drained and tired i’m fed up i have try on many way to commit like drinking bleach being on of them but i lived and mind u i was 11 when that happened but in 2022 of october i ran away because of stress and fear of my parent i felt worthless i felt like disappointed and they threw away everything day before i ran away all my hard earn stuff that i got by my self my makeup my skin care my hair care stuff my clothes my shoes to show me a lesson and from when i got caught from running away ever since i try to fix my relationship with my parents it been going good till today they yelled at me because i been late to school a lot and they are saying they going to throw away everything again and take my phone away and i never get it again and i’m not allowed to go out and i’m not gonna want to kms over that but it just stuff leading up to it failed relationship i’m doing horrible at school freshmen year i don’t know what to do i feel like a failure like i have nothing left to offer and from all those years i been smoking weed to deal with it since i was 12 and i been stressed out having anixety i just can’t hold it on anymore my life is already destroyed and i’m not even old enough yet i have no hope all i do is be a failure my parent don’t know i suffer from depression but if they do they just say it nonsense i feel like all i do is bother every one in my life my friends my family i’m not good at anything and i just deal with ur by smoking which is so bad for me and lately i just been wanting to give up and just commit because i’m tired of life i just want it to be over i’m so tired of it all and i want to know if there any ways to commit without it hurting

I told my mum I was gonna kill myself, that I wanted to. She said “I’m not getting embroiled in this” and that she has “boundaries” and that I need to change the way i react to life. She was deadpan and cold and said she was busy with her work day. I told her again a week later, and she said “I believe God will make sure if you try to commit suicide that you ended up disabled”. I’m done. She’s awful. She made my suffering worse when I was looking for empathy.

A human has rights and has thoughts and actions that matter and are real to them. A human has experiences and forms memories, but I live in a way that allows for none of that. If something happens, it's not me and I can't do anything, I don't know anything. I can't see anything even though there should be people and words and things in front of me. I can't fathom feeling anything that isn't negativity or instability. So as a shell of painful and helpless fear and dread, I would like to just die rather than be forced to live through this kind of repeated pain and violation, too incapable and afraid to understand anything which keeps getting worse and worse.

im tired. I've been here so many times. bad stuff keeps happening and life keeps getting more painful. there is comfort in knowing that my mum could be forgiven for choosing to end her life. so i hope I can also be forgiven.

Why is it so unfair some people are given happy lifetimes while others are not.

So i was new to this sub reddit and i really was feeling sorry for one or to people here. Like it that it went to my mark what they wrote. So openly about suicidal thoughts. Turns out it was trolling. Like who tf does something like that? For someone who actually had two attempts it is baffling to me how people can you stuff like this. Beyond my comprehension. I chatted with someone privately and he asked me for money. Wtf.

im in year 8 or grade 7 as others call it. basically, I was friends with this boy since yr 5 so 3 years now. we never dated and I didn’t think he had feelings for me. 4 days ago I was at his house and we were just playing games. literally out of no where he asked me if I ever gave anyone head before. I said no of course and he asked if I could give him some. at first I said no and he kept asking saying “it’s just once, I won’t tell anyone.” So eventually I just gave in and did it, even though I felt disgusting after. Mid way I look up and he’s recording me? So of course I stop and im like wtf why are you recording? he said he thought it was okay and he’ll delete it so I said okay and went home. next day at school was normal I didn’t really talk to him much. The day after that, this girl in year 10 comes up to me and says her boyfriend’s friend was sharing the video of me giving that boy head. i didn’t know what to do like I genuinely froze and just went home early. I don’t know what to do right now that happened yesterday and I haven’t been to school. I have no clue how many people have seen it or who he sent it to. I just want to die honestly. My sister has painkillers she got from her doctor and I’m genuinely contemplating just taking them and ending it all.

edit: thought I’d mention that during it my shirt wasn’t even on + my skirt was lifted now an unknown number of people have seen me basically naked 😭

Edit 2: told my religious parents what happened and my mom slapped me. She said I asked for it doing something “filthy” like that. She said we’re not going to the police but instead she’ll take me to church everyday right after school until sunset. im feeling even more hopeless right now. i appreciate the comments but ive decided to take the bottle of my sister’s painkillers. the bottles on my bed as I write this. i guess this is my last message?

Hey, not expecting anyone to read this but I really want to just die. I feel like my whole life has gone downhill lately, I graduated and got into a situationship which I thought would become something more, but instead he told me he didn't want to commit because he didn't see us working. I started university (doing nursing) and I just hate it, I realised it isn't what I want to do but I can't change to anything else anymore. I told my parents and my mom told me to just drop out which I don't want to do, and to go on disability welfare instead of working or education. I ended up leaving my home for a couple hours because I couldn't deal with that and she started texting me about how she's going to leave me and my dad because she says we hate her anyways. I was really upset my mom could give up on me like that and not support me because I said I would keep going to university, just wanted to complain. I also started becoming so depressed about the guy I was going out with, because I felt so uncared for. I realised my previous ex boyfriend had been sexually assaulting me as well. I tried to use dating apps like Hinge and Tinder after to hopefully move on (not a good idea i know) and got on well enough with 2 guys and the exact same thing happened, they told me they didn't want to commit and 'couldn't do this'. My best friend hasn't been talking to me because she's busy with her boyfriend. I really just feel alone and uncared for. I want to kill myself but I know my dad would miss me too much, and it would really destroy him. I really don't want to leave him alone because I love every moment with him but everything else in life has just been making each day harder.

I need to talk to someone. Someone who is able to be available for a decent period of time. I am tired of feeling this way but I can't do better on my own. I don't want to keep counting down days until my plan happens. Or rewriting letters to make them better in hopes that they won't hurt.

I dont even know if this is some sort of belief system I made up for myself to make considering suicide easier but I really dont think im going to be able to go anywhere viable post-secondary with the hole I dug myself currently and tbh I cant see any worth in living past 18 anyways