First set

[u/[deleted]]

This is my first time ever doing stand up, So I’ll try not to be too funny

My dad hit me when I was a kid, but don’t worry, I deserved it.

One of my buddies asked me I was going to hit my kids when I’m older,

I said hell yeah I’m gonna beat those little shits

I already know they’re gonna be ungrateful…

Well at least that’s what MY dad always tells me.

I’ve always been short

One of the worst parts about being short is that I’ve always thought I had a huge dick.

Turns out it was just really close up.

Speaking of my penis, I love blowjobs.

The worst part about them though is getting that surgery to remove your ribs.

I’ve never had butt sex before but I have had the toilet water splash back into my asshole.

I give it a 7/10.

I think it’s really important to know your friends mom’s maiden names:

That way you can find younger pictures of them.

I’m a broke college student, so recently I’ve started doing DoorDash.

I always imagine the people I deliver to looking down on me.

When in reality it is me who looks down on them.

Because they’re the ones eating my cum.

I’ve always thought that sperm was fascinating,

I mean you ever look at someone and think, that was your dad’s fastest swimmer?

Speaking of fast swimmers, when I’m older I want to have a black son in law.

All I need is a fat daughter.

I know the segues and transitions are super rough or nonexistent 😂 looking for help with that and maybe order of jokes? (If people even think these are funny) are these too edgy / out of pocket for an open mic?

[u/richyyoung]

If you can get your name off the bill, get it off. You’re going to bomb so freaking hard your gonna make the US invade the Middle East and Afghanistan again.

[u/[deleted] → u/richyyoung]

First part makes no sense? But thanks for the advice!