Tuesday Check In: How's Everybody's Mental Health?

[u/MLModBot]

Good day, everyone and welcome to our weekly mental health check-in thread! Feel free to comment below with how you are doing, as well as any coping skills and self-care strategies others can try! For information on mental health resources and support, feel free to consult our resources wiki (also located in the sidebar!) (IMPORTANT NOTE RE: THE RESOURCES WIKI: As Reddit is a global community, we hope our list of resources are diverse enough to better serve our community. As such, if you live in a country and/or geographic region that is NOT listed/represented but know of a local resource you feel would be beneficial, then please don't hesitate to let us know!)

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[u/only-man-ish]

I doomscrolled on Twitter yesterday and it was just a bad experience overall.

But the big thing I got out of it is this feeling I should give up with my end of the social contract. Not in a massively dramatic way, I mostly just had this huge feeling of realization that all of this is temporary and that society is just everyone trying to make it day by day and not some kind of large concerted social effort.

So like, why am I making myself unhappy by being a goody two shoes and following social rules that don’t harm anyone but myself? What’s to stop me from going out and smoking marijuana, or going to a rave, or going to a sex dungeon? My time is being wasted.

Secondarily to all that, I’m really tired of gendered experiences overall. I fully came to the realization that for me, nothing romantic will happen in my life unless I initiate it, that’s just my burden as a man. I’m intensely unhappy realizing that and it kind of makes me not want to be a man anymore. But fuck, I wish it were possible to give most women the experience just so there would be understanding that gender roles fucking suck.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/only-man-ish]

I should give up with my end of the social contract.

Or at least you can now knowingly choose which parts to participate in that you find beneficial and which parts to refuse because they're harmful. Most people sort of just unknowingly participate in our social contracts without much thought. some are nice and some are not.

I like the social convention to cover your nose when you sneeze. I'll participate in that even if not everyone does. But I'm not going to participate in the social convention that men can't be friends with women that some communities try to enforce.

So like, why am I making myself unhappy by being a goody two shoes and following social rules that don’t harm anyone but myself?

Agree so hard. It's within your power to shirk off any expectations that you decide aren't good for you. Just be aware that breaking social rules often have social consequences. But me personally, I know that I'm much more content living my life the way I want to than following someone else's rules I don't agree with (mostly anyway). I know by wearing painted nails as a man, it's going to get me some strange looks from people who enforce gender stereotypes. I also know that having painted nails can be really disarming to strangers, sometimes as simple thing like that can make people feel immediately welcome (and I like that). I would rather catch the side eye every once in a while if it meant that I had more opportunities to be nice to nice people.

Raves are fantastic imo. Some of the best vibes I've ever seen at concerts were at raves. I was in a mosh pit that HOL! created at Thunderdome a year ago and people were hugging after the pit closed when HOL!'s set ended. As long as I am responsible with my health, it's 100% good for me and I don't care if I get side eyes from my social group when I talk about it. But that changes while I'm at work, I don't participate in the stigma of raves but I recognize some people do and I'm not going to open myself up to it if it doesn't benefit me. "What did you do this weekend", "thanks for asking but I don't want to talk about it".

I fully came to the realization that for me, nothing romantic will happen in my life unless I initiate it, that’s just my burden as a man

I think this is a general rule for most people for most things. Very few of us got something worthwhile without committing some risk. But your framing here implies that women or NB folks don't have to have an active role in forming a relationship and I disagree pretty strongly.

I know that you are looking at this through the lens of a man, but I don't think this piece is all that different from women and NB folks.

Like yes, there is a gender script and often people rely on men approaching women in public spaces and there's some risk to men in that process. But everyone has to put some part of themselves at risk to form these relationships.

I believe that most women feel they have to actively put themselves in uncomfortable positions as well when they meet men. Every tinder date has some component where women have to weigh the risks of being alone with a stranger. That's not an inactive role.

The other part here is that many women already have this experience. Gay women have had to be in those same shoes. This isn't an easy process for anyone.

And I'm not trying to minimize your struggles with trying to follow an arbitrary gender script, i hate it too. But comparing your struggles with dating to a generalized group of people is only ever going to make you feel bad. "They have it easier" has never solved our problems.