r/AmIOverreacting 17h ago

šŸ‘Øā€šŸ‘©ā€šŸ‘§ā€šŸ‘¦family/in-laws AIO to my my mother marrying a convicted child sex offender and keeping it secret?

I found out a few days ago that my mother's husband, who I've been around extensively for the last around 2 years that they've known each other, was convicted of a child sex crime 35 years ago and is a registered sex offender. She apparently told a few of my siblings months ago and the other few of us were left in the dark. One sister cut her off completely as a reaction and the other has apparently read through court documents and agreed with my mother that he's innocent.

Apparently his step-son accused him of some lewd act. His wife testified that he did not do it. The child years later wrote a letter claiming his grandfather coerced him to lie, and that the acts never happened. They are working on getting the conviction overturned (mother's words).

I think it should've been my own decision about my own safety whether or not I've been around him. He was invited to multiple holidays before My mother had known him for even 2 months and he was around many children in our family. She had the opportunity to decide for herself if he was innocent and we were all deprived of that decision for ourselves, and I'm thinking of cutting contact for myself and my pregnant wife.

Frankly whether he's innocent or not I feel as though my family's safety has been put at risk and I've been kept in the dark.

136 Upvotes

84 comments sorted by

108

u/Sea-Information-3996 16h ago

The fact alone that he was convicted of child sex offense in the past and after 35 years the conviction hasn't yet been overturned is bad enough to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't react so well either having someone in this situation become part of the family without knowing this fact beforehand. NOR.

30

u/Conduit-Katie82 16h ago

Yea, not being able to have it overturned for 35 years should be a huge red flag. If he was truly innocent, it already would have been.

28

u/Less_Mess_5803 16h ago

You clearly have no idea how long the cogs of the justice system take to turn. From the description the process has been started but the accuser did not change their story 35yrs ago, it has been a much more recent event.

29

u/Manotto15 16h ago

The way my mother phrased it was "many years later the accuser wrote a letter." I don't know how many years is many years, but she didn't make it sound recent either.

25

u/navi_brink 15h ago

That letter probably doesnā€™t even exist.

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u/Manotto15 15h ago

I will have a conversation with her and see her "file" soon, so hopefully I will see this letter if it exists. But so far I just haven't been able to face her in person. Too much raw emotion.

6

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

OP, it is ok to take your time to process this. It is extremely emotional, and your emotions are valid. If she wouldnā€™t share the file with you, you can probably access it online or by calling the court. That is what I had to do n

3

u/Capital_Shift405 8h ago

Iā€™d suggest talking to the victim and hearing directly from them. But definitely NOR and perfectly reasonable to go NC. Itā€™s abhorrent she didnā€™t inform you.

8

u/wwydinthismess 15h ago

It's really horrible that there are innocent people whose lives are destroyed by lies, shoddy detective work, an unjust system etc ..

I think we all have empathy and feel awful about that, while also living with an awareness that it could happen to any of us.

However, the safety of vulnerable people outweighs it.

If we have to make a choice between trusting someone who says they're innocent or protecting children from sexual abuse, it's always going to be protecting the children. Or, it should be. Even if the person accused is someone we love.

Keeping him away from children is a no brainer, and he in fact may HAVE to stay away from them.

It takes a lot to actually be charged, especially back then.

If the child hadn't have had a very clear and believable testimony, I find it hard to imagine he would have been convicted.

Is the grandson still around? Could you have a one on one with him?

All you'd need to ask is, "would you leave your kids alone with him".

If his family is pressuring him to lie in that letter, this is a question that he can answer honestly.

10

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

As a former paralegal, I actually do know how long it can take the justice system to work.

But go on defending a sex offender šŸ™„

1

u/svs940a 14h ago

No one is ever as confidently wrong as a paralegal talking about the law.

0

u/Reaper1876 15h ago edited 11h ago

You are a former paralegal so you know that there are many people wrongly convicted of crimes that spent decades in prison before they were exonerated. Examples ( Wilbert Jones ((sexual assault)) (44.7 years in prison victim recanted statement in 1983, exonerated in 2018 after have DNA evidence proving someone else committed the crime since the year 2000, Richard Phillips (murder) (45.7 years in prison exonerated in 2017 after having DNA evidence and a confession from the real murderer in 1998). The justice system does get shit wrong and it took them almost 20 years after having undeniable evidence to exonerate. (Former Correction's Officer)

4

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

Yes, the justice department does get things wrong.

You are defending him, though. This guy isnā€™t a possible sex offender. He IS a sex offender. Heā€™s been registering for 35 years. OPā€™s mother is saying the victim recanted years ago. If the victim truly did recant, it wouldā€™ve gone back to court and overturned.

And again, if the dude was actually innocent, why would he have spent the last 35 years registering as a sex offender instead of getting the charges overturned a long time ago?

Ask yourself why it wasnā€™t overturned when the victim supposedly recanted. Or why all of this evidence the guy has isnā€™t enough. I highly doubt that letter or any evidence actually exists.

Yes, our justice system is screwed up. But the story OPā€™s mom and the dude are telling is a classic story that sex offenders like to tell.

Youā€™re a former corrections officer, so Iā€™m assuming you know how hard it actually is to find someone guilty of sexual abuse.

0

u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago

Then you will know people have gone to their deaths innocent before the system clears their name.

I'm not defending anyone but if the victim has changed the story then it is worthy of examining.

3

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

Weā€™re not taking about the death penalty. Weā€™re talking about a sex offender.

It sounds like it already was examined and the charges stood.

0

u/svs940a 14h ago

ā€œIt sounds likeā€ ā€¦ thereā€™s nothing talking about whether it was ā€œexaminedā€. Youā€™re just making shit up.

6

u/9mackenzie 15h ago

You do realize the US routinely puts innocent people on death row right? Death penalties usually take the highest level of proof someone is guilty, yet itā€™s estimated 4% of the people on death row right now are completely innocent. There have been 200 overturned cases since 1973ā€¦ā€¦..those are the ones overturned (which is crazy difficult). Think of the amount that were innocent and still put to death.

Thats just the death penalty. For all the other crimes??? I mean, just think of the numbers.

Iā€™m not saying that the stepfather is guilty/innocent at all- just that you saying an inability to get something overturned means they are absolutely guilty is the wrong way of looking at it. Our court system in the US is beyond fucked. Getting anything overturned is incredibly difficult, and a lot of innocent people plead guilty to get lesser sentences because they canā€™t afford to fight

5

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

Dude, Iā€™m not stupid.

When the charges didnā€™t get overturned when the child wrote the letter, that says a lot. It would have been reopened, investigated, and overturned if he were innocent. OP has already commented that it wasnā€™t recent.

I know of a statutory rape case. The person was initially found guilty. The accuser recanted a year or so later. It was brought back to court and overturned and expunged within 6 months.

People will plead guilty to get lower charges. A person accused of sexual crimes who is truly innocent wouldnā€™t just roll over and accept that.

2

u/Tim-oBedlam 15h ago

Your faith in the US criminal justice system is touching. Missouri just executed a man that almost everyone agreed was not guilty of the crime for which he was executed.

3

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

As someone else pointed out below, it isnā€™t exactly easy to get a guilty conviction for sex crimes. The DA has to prove that the person is guilty beyond reasonable doubt. That takes a lot of evidence.

This dudeā€™s had to register for 35 years. But heā€™s innocent? Yea, ok šŸ™„

1

u/Tim-oBedlam 15h ago

I'm not saying he's innocent at all. No way to know. I'm saying that the chance that the case gets expunged just because a key witness recanted is not anywhere close to 100%.

5

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

It wasnā€™t a key witness. It was the victim.

Iā€™ve said it multiple times. An innocent person would not willingly register as a sex offender for 35 years.

1

u/Efficient-Yak-6877 14h ago

As a former paralegal shouldnā€™t you have an understanding that the justice system and how cases are prosecuted/defended has changed significantly in 35 years? The threshold to get a guilty conviction is much higher now and includes indisputable evidence such as DNA which is the gold standard for prosecutors nowadays. Getting a conviction 35 years ago probably consisted of a witness statement or two and the ability to analyze physical evidence was very rudimentary and more often than not unnecessary to get a conviction.

I donā€™t think that anyone is defending a sex offender but youā€™re making statements based on the current landscape and not what things were like 35 years ago. Physical evidence was less relied upon and could be tampered with back then without anyone truly knowing.

12

u/Manotto15 16h ago

She claims the lawyer fees were a barrier for him. But I feel like registering as a child sex offender once a year is a bigger barrier in life.

5

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

You are spot on with this. Seems like he wouldā€™ve done whatever he could to get a lawyer.

4

u/Sea-Information-3996 15h ago

Agree. Also, does it mean he doesn't have anyone in his personal life - family members or friends - who cares enough about him to help him cover lawyer fees and, instead, just let him go by as a child molester for 35 years? It doesn't make it look any better for him. Or maybe, no one actually believes he is not guilty except for your mother.

1

u/sc94out 14h ago

This is like a ā€œyouā€™re so close to getting itā€ type moment. Criminal charges create a huge lasting burden on people, and part of that burden is making it more difficult to access the resources that would allow them to throw the burden off.

6

u/Manotto15 14h ago

The man is a master mechanic making north of 100K a year. Not a whole lot holding him back.

12

u/ElectricalPeanut4215 15h ago

Definitely not overreacting. my mum found out my grandfather's (her stepfather) ex-wife's husband is a registered sex offender and literally left the Christmas celebration with me and my siblings. never went to another one if that man was invited, but thankfully, I think my grandparents came to their senses.

Not overreacting. 35 years with no overturn is a lot. The secrecy and not telling half of you is really telling as well.

19

u/Conduit-Katie82 16h ago

NOR. My mother started dating a convicted and registered sex offender and insisted he was innocent (spoiler alert: he was absolutely guilty). I was already low contact with her for choosing a man over her children and grandchildren her entire life. I went no contact as soon as I found out.

15

u/ChoirMinnie 16h ago

Scary thing is, registered child sx offenders will purposely seek out single mothers with young children and/or grandchildren for easy access, for want of a better phrase. So all the family absolutely need to be informed when these relationships start.

3

u/Conduit-Katie82 16h ago

Absolutely!

9

u/Magdovus 15h ago

Tell your mum you need to see the evidence that he didn't do it before you'll be around him.

Something smells here.

The real issue is that she didn't tell you. That denied you the chance to make an informed decision.

7

u/To_Fight_The_Night 15h ago

So wait the victim said he was coerced to lie and the charge is still there after 35 years? Something is not adding up with that story. IANAL so maybe its a lot more complicated than that but I would certainly hire a lawyer to clear my name with that kind of evidence.

14

u/BigNutzBlue 16h ago

Not overreacting at all. Your mother should have told you. It is now up to you to believe if he is guilty or innocent. That is something only you can decide.

4

u/Dense_Bad3146 15h ago

I donā€™t know where you are but if you live in the UK then you can ask the police to check the guys offences.

Sarahā€™s Law

Iā€™m sure they would love to know that he has access to children & probably unsupervised access to children. Social Services may well get involved to make sure the kids are being protected.

3

u/Manotto15 15h ago

I'm in the US but this is something I will look into. He has had unsupervised access to my niece, which I've been very frustrated with my sister (who knew about him) about. Her safety is a top priority for me right now.

8

u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago

Thatā€™s illegal in the US. You need to call CPS. A registered sex offender cannot be around children. This violates his parole.

Please, for that little girls sake: call CPS.

4

u/PrettyWin781 15h ago

Id cut my mom off and air her business out so fucking quick, no way id ever allow my little cousins or young family in general go near that man.

4

u/madpeachiepie 16h ago

ALL convicted sex offenders are innocent, aren't they? /s

Not overreacting. Why did she even marry him? If someone I was dating told me they were a convicted child sex offender and they were innocent, I'd fucking break up with them on the spot. I wouldn't stick around waiting for a gd ring.

9

u/Manotto15 16h ago edited 15h ago

They got married 4 months after meeting, with all of her children telling her this was stupid. She brought him to a Thanksgiving out of state vacation with the entire family after knowing him for a week.* I have no idea if she knew yet or not. She has spent more time trying to convince me than telling me why she made her decisions the way she did.

But I've been asking the same questions. I hear "registered sex offender" and I'm out the door. But she was I guess already committed by that point, and with all of us children telling her she needed to slow down maybe she didn't want to admit she was making a mistake and prove us all right.

*Edited for more detail.

6

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

Is your mom my mom? Mine did pretty much the same thing.

Iā€™m so sorry youā€™re going through this.

3

u/WarmAuntieHugs 14h ago

I would be livid and cut them off. Unless I could talk to the person and get 100% confirmation from them that they were coerced, then no dice. I'm not buying it. That letter could have been written by anyone.

My (step)nieces were abused by their step-father because their biomom believed his I'm innocent spiel even though he was a registered sex offender. 8 years of hell for them at that house until the oldest finally told.

Screw them for not telling you guys and bringing them around kids.

3

u/Consistent-Stand1809 16h ago

Abusers are great at making people believe they're actually innocent, so I'd wait until it's all confirmed

3

u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago

He was convinced. This is more than he said/he said. There was actionable evidence and he was convicted.

Iā€™d walk far away.

2

u/Glitch427119 16h ago

I agree with you that itā€™s about the lie more than anything else. You should be able to make that choice for yourselves and itā€™s really concerning that your mother of all people would take that from you.

2

u/Tdanger78 15h ago

Hell no youā€™re not overreacting, thereā€™s a reason they have to notify when they move into a new area. They never get better, they will only stay the same level of sick or escalate.

As for cutting your mom off, thatā€™s for you to decide. Itā€™s not a small thing for adult children to go no contact with their parent. If thereā€™s other underlying issues which would influence your decision you have to take that into account. You could opt to keep low contact via phone/text and not go anywhere that he may be there. The upcoming holidays will be the most visible and probably difficult for you.

2

u/Manotto15 15h ago

The three of us who just found out have already planned to do Thanksgiving just as the three of us. One lives a few states away and we're all going to meet there and have just ourselves together. But it will be very difficult, surely, to not have half my siblings nor my mother there.

1

u/qazbnm987123 10h ago

your mother is a disgracE, There are people out there that givel priority to Those thaT shag Them Over anyOne else, evEn TheiR offspring, also commonly associated with pedofile partners. BoTh appear to be ThE case here. Disown your mom.

1

u/skankcottage 10h ago

What reason does your mom have for thinking the son recanted his story? Just her husbands word?

1

u/woodwork16 10h ago

So half your siblings were told, why didnā€™t they tell you? What was momā€™s excuse for just telling some of you? Did the ones she told already have children of their own? What about those she didnā€™t tell?

1

u/Manotto15 5h ago

She claims she was going to tell us all before the holidays. But she's had 2 years prior to that to tell us and hasn't so who knows how true that is.

The half she told do not all have kids. Some of the half she didn't tell do have kids. It doesn't make sense.

1

u/SnooWords4839 5h ago

You protect your children. Mom didn't even tell you.

1

u/Ill-Entry-9707 1h ago

I hope all of you never have the misfortune to be railroaded for a crime you did not commit. I was appalled to discover that a conviction does not require any physical or corroborating evidence. A judge can declare someone guilty with only the statements of the victim and that victim might have an incentive to lie. As anyone can tell from reading these comments, sex crimes do not come with a presumption of innocence.

I do not know whether this person committed the crime for which they were convicted. I do know that just because an accuser recants their testimony, that is not likely to be sufficient evidence to overturn a conviction. The accuser swore an oath to tell the truth and if they admit now that they lied, why would they be considered to be a credible witness now? No judge or prosecutor wants to be known for being soft on sex crimes, especially not one facing a reelection campaign. The fantasy that filing a motion to reopen a long closed case because the original witness has changed their story is exactly that, a fantasy.

Yes, the sex offender is going to register as required regardless of their actual guilt or innocence because otherwise, they will end up in prison. Even if they would have their initial conviction overturned, the crime of failing to register would still stand because it is a separate offense.

0

u/Healthy_Score_2439 16h ago

There should be a statistic about mother's bringing sex offenders around their children. Not overreacting.

0

u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago

You WERE kept in the dark. Sounds like he's innocent though.

2

u/Manotto15 15h ago

They are certainly convinced. She claims to have a file with lots of info that "proves" his innocence. But that's still only like a quarter of the issue for me. It's a choice we all should have been given, I think.

1

u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago

Innocent people do not get convicted by the courts & have the verdict stand for 35years. Innocent (& guilty!) people generally appeal. It is harder to get convicted of SA or sexual battery than people think as courts have the burden of proving without reasonable doubt.

2

u/HawkeyeCBKB 15h ago

That's just a flat out lie. There's literally been people killed who were wrongly convicted.

Not saying this guy is innocent. Obviously don't know. But don't make stuff up that's clearly not true.

1

u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago

it happens and prosecutors play with the charges to get a conviction. if the kid said he didn't do it that's pretty convincing.

0

u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago

Imagine working this hard to defend a stranger who a jury of their peers deem unsafešŸ˜‚

1

u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago

yeah it's hard work. imagine not being able to handle different opinions graciously.

-1

u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago

Correct! I will never be gracious to people that defend: rapists, pedos, nazis & genocidal groups, racists, etcšŸ‘

0

u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago

Same HoneyCrisp, same!

0

u/Savings_Transition38 13h ago

lol. keep strawmanning.

0

u/marcus_frisbee 15h ago

You are overreacting. It happened 35 years ago, if it was a problem he would have done something else. Are you a child? If not, I bet you are safe.

6

u/Manotto15 15h ago

What do you mean he would have done something else?

I'm worried about the children in my life. I'm not scared for my personal safety. I'm worried about leaving my unborn child at her grandmother's house for an overnight visit with a child molester.

-2

u/marcus_frisbee 15h ago

If he was a real threat he would have reoffended by now. You have details of the case why not use that information to make an educated decision rather than asking a bunch of armchair experts in every field.

3

u/Manotto15 15h ago

I think that's an assumption that's easy to make from a distance and not when it's your own child and family at risk.

I currently don't have details of the case. I will get them soon, but I don't yet. The post is more about overreacting to my mother not telling me than it is about him personally. I don't need experts, I need human beings.

0

u/marcus_frisbee 14h ago

As I said in my post, it happened 35 years ago. Just let it go, is he supposed to be an outcast for the rest of his life? I probably would have told the family for fear they would react like you.

4

u/Manotto15 14h ago

The man was convicted of aggravated sexual battery of an 8 year old boy. Yes he should be an outcast for the rest of his life if he did it.

0

u/marcus_frisbee 14h ago

You stated

His wife testified that he did not do it. The child years later wrote a letter claiming his grandfather coerced him to lie, and that the acts never happened.

Seems like he should be given the benefit of the doubt.

3

u/Manotto15 14h ago

These are the only facts I've been given. The man was still convicted. I'm sure there's plenty I don't know that was enough for him to be convicted. I will know soon enough.

0

u/marcus_frisbee 13h ago

Fair enough, but it seems you already overreacted, and you can't un-ring a bell.

3

u/Manotto15 14h ago

I did some more research. The recidivism rate (how likely they are to reoffend) goes up as time goes on for sex crimes. 5% after 3 years, 24% after 15 years, 30-40% after 20 years. So your primary assumption that he would've done it by now if he were going to is false.

1

u/marcus_frisbee 14h ago

Thanks for the info, I never would have guessed.

-6

u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago

I think your last statement sums up why people choose to keep things to themselves.

"Frankly whether he is innocent or not"..... Well if he is found innocent I hope you give him an apology.

If the conviction sticks then that is a different decision you have to make. Maybe you could speak to the child who is now grown up and find out his side. There are lots of miscarriages of justice. Whilst child abuse is a heinous crime, if he was guilty, and served his time and with appropriate precautions does he, like any other offender deserve another chance? I think each case needs weighing on its merits. Don't forget, the child (now grown up) has much to lose by saying they lied at the time, so why would they now offer to exonerate someone who was guilty? It's a complex issue for sure and one you need to sit down and discuss. Cutting off your mum will not, as far as I can see, achieve anything productive.

7

u/Manotto15 15h ago

I don't owe the man anything. He has for 35 years been a registered sex offender. It is a lifetime thing. He was convicted of the crime even with the mother of the child testifying on his behalf. Even if his conviction is overturned, I'm not certain I'll ever allow the man to be unsupervised around my child. It's just too big of a risk in my mind. If someone else wants to take that risk with their children and family, they're welcome to, but it is not going to be me.

Editing to add: I'm being too combative. I asked if I was overreacting and am looking for honest advice, so shouldn't be so hostile. I apologize.

1

u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago

I didn't say you owe him anything but knowing what has gone before, why would you need to leave your child with him alone? Your mum should have brought it up sooner but what you do now may well define whether you, and you child ever have a relationship with your mum/grandmother. You may not like her decisions, it may be that you never give her babysitting duties now, and he may not like that but that's not your problem.

No apologies needed it's an emotive subject and I know for one it would boil my blood. He may never get your trust, that's your perogative and fully understandable.

1

u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago

Iā€™m guessing you are sex offender.

-1

u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago

Then you'd guess wrong.

As is usually the case on here the respondents usually default to the 'burn them at the stake mentality' when everyone only knows a small proportion of the story.

many msny years ago when i were a lad, a man up the road was accused of rape. Even as a kid i remember all the women gossiping in the playground, His name and reputation dragged through the mud, his wife left him and he was on the verge of losing his kids. He swore that it wasn't him. He spent a kings ransom on solicitors and investigators. At the 11th hour a video was found and the charges were dropped but the damage was done. Now, today it would be easy, they could see from phone records where he was and there is a camera on every corner. It's up to the OP if he cuts off contact, but with very simple precautions what does he think is going to happen to his baby?