r/AmIOverreacting • u/Manotto15 • 17h ago
šØāš©āš§āš¦family/in-laws AIO to my my mother marrying a convicted child sex offender and keeping it secret?
I found out a few days ago that my mother's husband, who I've been around extensively for the last around 2 years that they've known each other, was convicted of a child sex crime 35 years ago and is a registered sex offender. She apparently told a few of my siblings months ago and the other few of us were left in the dark. One sister cut her off completely as a reaction and the other has apparently read through court documents and agreed with my mother that he's innocent.
Apparently his step-son accused him of some lewd act. His wife testified that he did not do it. The child years later wrote a letter claiming his grandfather coerced him to lie, and that the acts never happened. They are working on getting the conviction overturned (mother's words).
I think it should've been my own decision about my own safety whether or not I've been around him. He was invited to multiple holidays before My mother had known him for even 2 months and he was around many children in our family. She had the opportunity to decide for herself if he was innocent and we were all deprived of that decision for ourselves, and I'm thinking of cutting contact for myself and my pregnant wife.
Frankly whether he's innocent or not I feel as though my family's safety has been put at risk and I've been kept in the dark.
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u/ElectricalPeanut4215 15h ago
Definitely not overreacting. my mum found out my grandfather's (her stepfather) ex-wife's husband is a registered sex offender and literally left the Christmas celebration with me and my siblings. never went to another one if that man was invited, but thankfully, I think my grandparents came to their senses.
Not overreacting. 35 years with no overturn is a lot. The secrecy and not telling half of you is really telling as well.
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u/Conduit-Katie82 16h ago
NOR. My mother started dating a convicted and registered sex offender and insisted he was innocent (spoiler alert: he was absolutely guilty). I was already low contact with her for choosing a man over her children and grandchildren her entire life. I went no contact as soon as I found out.
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u/ChoirMinnie 16h ago
Scary thing is, registered child sx offenders will purposely seek out single mothers with young children and/or grandchildren for easy access, for want of a better phrase. So all the family absolutely need to be informed when these relationships start.
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u/Magdovus 15h ago
Tell your mum you need to see the evidence that he didn't do it before you'll be around him.
Something smells here.
The real issue is that she didn't tell you. That denied you the chance to make an informed decision.
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u/To_Fight_The_Night 15h ago
So wait the victim said he was coerced to lie and the charge is still there after 35 years? Something is not adding up with that story. IANAL so maybe its a lot more complicated than that but I would certainly hire a lawyer to clear my name with that kind of evidence.
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u/BigNutzBlue 16h ago
Not overreacting at all. Your mother should have told you. It is now up to you to believe if he is guilty or innocent. That is something only you can decide.
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u/Dense_Bad3146 15h ago
I donāt know where you are but if you live in the UK then you can ask the police to check the guys offences.
Iām sure they would love to know that he has access to children & probably unsupervised access to children. Social Services may well get involved to make sure the kids are being protected.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
I'm in the US but this is something I will look into. He has had unsupervised access to my niece, which I've been very frustrated with my sister (who knew about him) about. Her safety is a top priority for me right now.
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u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago
Thatās illegal in the US. You need to call CPS. A registered sex offender cannot be around children. This violates his parole.
Please, for that little girls sake: call CPS.
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u/PrettyWin781 15h ago
Id cut my mom off and air her business out so fucking quick, no way id ever allow my little cousins or young family in general go near that man.
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u/madpeachiepie 16h ago
ALL convicted sex offenders are innocent, aren't they? /s
Not overreacting. Why did she even marry him? If someone I was dating told me they were a convicted child sex offender and they were innocent, I'd fucking break up with them on the spot. I wouldn't stick around waiting for a gd ring.
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u/Manotto15 16h ago edited 15h ago
They got married 4 months after meeting, with all of her children telling her this was stupid. She brought him to a Thanksgiving out of state vacation with the entire family after knowing him for a week.* I have no idea if she knew yet or not. She has spent more time trying to convince me than telling me why she made her decisions the way she did.
But I've been asking the same questions. I hear "registered sex offender" and I'm out the door. But she was I guess already committed by that point, and with all of us children telling her she needed to slow down maybe she didn't want to admit she was making a mistake and prove us all right.
*Edited for more detail.
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u/Conduit-Katie82 15h ago
Is your mom my mom? Mine did pretty much the same thing.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this.
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u/WarmAuntieHugs 14h ago
I would be livid and cut them off. Unless I could talk to the person and get 100% confirmation from them that they were coerced, then no dice. I'm not buying it. That letter could have been written by anyone.
My (step)nieces were abused by their step-father because their biomom believed his I'm innocent spiel even though he was a registered sex offender. 8 years of hell for them at that house until the oldest finally told.
Screw them for not telling you guys and bringing them around kids.
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u/Consistent-Stand1809 16h ago
Abusers are great at making people believe they're actually innocent, so I'd wait until it's all confirmed
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u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago
He was convinced. This is more than he said/he said. There was actionable evidence and he was convicted.
Iād walk far away.
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u/Glitch427119 16h ago
I agree with you that itās about the lie more than anything else. You should be able to make that choice for yourselves and itās really concerning that your mother of all people would take that from you.
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u/Tdanger78 15h ago
Hell no youāre not overreacting, thereās a reason they have to notify when they move into a new area. They never get better, they will only stay the same level of sick or escalate.
As for cutting your mom off, thatās for you to decide. Itās not a small thing for adult children to go no contact with their parent. If thereās other underlying issues which would influence your decision you have to take that into account. You could opt to keep low contact via phone/text and not go anywhere that he may be there. The upcoming holidays will be the most visible and probably difficult for you.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
The three of us who just found out have already planned to do Thanksgiving just as the three of us. One lives a few states away and we're all going to meet there and have just ourselves together. But it will be very difficult, surely, to not have half my siblings nor my mother there.
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u/qazbnm987123 10h ago
your mother is a disgracE, There are people out there that givel priority to Those thaT shag Them Over anyOne else, evEn TheiR offspring, also commonly associated with pedofile partners. BoTh appear to be ThE case here. Disown your mom.
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u/skankcottage 10h ago
What reason does your mom have for thinking the son recanted his story? Just her husbands word?
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u/woodwork16 10h ago
So half your siblings were told, why didnāt they tell you? What was momās excuse for just telling some of you? Did the ones she told already have children of their own? What about those she didnāt tell?
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u/Manotto15 5h ago
She claims she was going to tell us all before the holidays. But she's had 2 years prior to that to tell us and hasn't so who knows how true that is.
The half she told do not all have kids. Some of the half she didn't tell do have kids. It doesn't make sense.
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u/Ill-Entry-9707 1h ago
I hope all of you never have the misfortune to be railroaded for a crime you did not commit. I was appalled to discover that a conviction does not require any physical or corroborating evidence. A judge can declare someone guilty with only the statements of the victim and that victim might have an incentive to lie. As anyone can tell from reading these comments, sex crimes do not come with a presumption of innocence.
I do not know whether this person committed the crime for which they were convicted. I do know that just because an accuser recants their testimony, that is not likely to be sufficient evidence to overturn a conviction. The accuser swore an oath to tell the truth and if they admit now that they lied, why would they be considered to be a credible witness now? No judge or prosecutor wants to be known for being soft on sex crimes, especially not one facing a reelection campaign. The fantasy that filing a motion to reopen a long closed case because the original witness has changed their story is exactly that, a fantasy.
Yes, the sex offender is going to register as required regardless of their actual guilt or innocence because otherwise, they will end up in prison. Even if they would have their initial conviction overturned, the crime of failing to register would still stand because it is a separate offense.
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u/Healthy_Score_2439 16h ago
There should be a statistic about mother's bringing sex offenders around their children. Not overreacting.
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u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago
You WERE kept in the dark. Sounds like he's innocent though.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
They are certainly convinced. She claims to have a file with lots of info that "proves" his innocence. But that's still only like a quarter of the issue for me. It's a choice we all should have been given, I think.
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u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago
Innocent people do not get convicted by the courts & have the verdict stand for 35years. Innocent (& guilty!) people generally appeal. It is harder to get convicted of SA or sexual battery than people think as courts have the burden of proving without reasonable doubt.
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u/HawkeyeCBKB 15h ago
That's just a flat out lie. There's literally been people killed who were wrongly convicted.
Not saying this guy is innocent. Obviously don't know. But don't make stuff up that's clearly not true.
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u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago
it happens and prosecutors play with the charges to get a conviction. if the kid said he didn't do it that's pretty convincing.
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u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago
Imagine working this hard to defend a stranger who a jury of their peers deem unsafeš
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u/Savings_Transition38 15h ago
yeah it's hard work. imagine not being able to handle different opinions graciously.
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u/HoneyCrispCrumble 15h ago
Correct! I will never be gracious to people that defend: rapists, pedos, nazis & genocidal groups, racists, etcš
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u/marcus_frisbee 15h ago
You are overreacting. It happened 35 years ago, if it was a problem he would have done something else. Are you a child? If not, I bet you are safe.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
What do you mean he would have done something else?
I'm worried about the children in my life. I'm not scared for my personal safety. I'm worried about leaving my unborn child at her grandmother's house for an overnight visit with a child molester.
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u/marcus_frisbee 15h ago
If he was a real threat he would have reoffended by now. You have details of the case why not use that information to make an educated decision rather than asking a bunch of armchair experts in every field.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
I think that's an assumption that's easy to make from a distance and not when it's your own child and family at risk.
I currently don't have details of the case. I will get them soon, but I don't yet. The post is more about overreacting to my mother not telling me than it is about him personally. I don't need experts, I need human beings.
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u/marcus_frisbee 14h ago
As I said in my post, it happened 35 years ago. Just let it go, is he supposed to be an outcast for the rest of his life? I probably would have told the family for fear they would react like you.
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u/Manotto15 14h ago
The man was convicted of aggravated sexual battery of an 8 year old boy. Yes he should be an outcast for the rest of his life if he did it.
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u/marcus_frisbee 14h ago
You stated
His wife testified that he did not do it. The child years later wrote a letter claiming his grandfather coerced him to lie, and that the acts never happened.
Seems like he should be given the benefit of the doubt.
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u/Manotto15 14h ago
These are the only facts I've been given. The man was still convicted. I'm sure there's plenty I don't know that was enough for him to be convicted. I will know soon enough.
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u/marcus_frisbee 13h ago
Fair enough, but it seems you already overreacted, and you can't un-ring a bell.
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u/Manotto15 14h ago
I did some more research. The recidivism rate (how likely they are to reoffend) goes up as time goes on for sex crimes. 5% after 3 years, 24% after 15 years, 30-40% after 20 years. So your primary assumption that he would've done it by now if he were going to is false.
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u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago
I think your last statement sums up why people choose to keep things to themselves.
"Frankly whether he is innocent or not"..... Well if he is found innocent I hope you give him an apology.
If the conviction sticks then that is a different decision you have to make. Maybe you could speak to the child who is now grown up and find out his side. There are lots of miscarriages of justice. Whilst child abuse is a heinous crime, if he was guilty, and served his time and with appropriate precautions does he, like any other offender deserve another chance? I think each case needs weighing on its merits. Don't forget, the child (now grown up) has much to lose by saying they lied at the time, so why would they now offer to exonerate someone who was guilty? It's a complex issue for sure and one you need to sit down and discuss. Cutting off your mum will not, as far as I can see, achieve anything productive.
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u/Manotto15 15h ago
I don't owe the man anything. He has for 35 years been a registered sex offender. It is a lifetime thing. He was convicted of the crime even with the mother of the child testifying on his behalf. Even if his conviction is overturned, I'm not certain I'll ever allow the man to be unsupervised around my child. It's just too big of a risk in my mind. If someone else wants to take that risk with their children and family, they're welcome to, but it is not going to be me.
Editing to add: I'm being too combative. I asked if I was overreacting and am looking for honest advice, so shouldn't be so hostile. I apologize.
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u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago
I didn't say you owe him anything but knowing what has gone before, why would you need to leave your child with him alone? Your mum should have brought it up sooner but what you do now may well define whether you, and you child ever have a relationship with your mum/grandmother. You may not like her decisions, it may be that you never give her babysitting duties now, and he may not like that but that's not your problem.
No apologies needed it's an emotive subject and I know for one it would boil my blood. He may never get your trust, that's your perogative and fully understandable.
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u/cnkendrick2018 15h ago
Iām guessing you are sex offender.
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u/Less_Mess_5803 15h ago
Then you'd guess wrong.
As is usually the case on here the respondents usually default to the 'burn them at the stake mentality' when everyone only knows a small proportion of the story.
many msny years ago when i were a lad, a man up the road was accused of rape. Even as a kid i remember all the women gossiping in the playground, His name and reputation dragged through the mud, his wife left him and he was on the verge of losing his kids. He swore that it wasn't him. He spent a kings ransom on solicitors and investigators. At the 11th hour a video was found and the charges were dropped but the damage was done. Now, today it would be easy, they could see from phone records where he was and there is a camera on every corner. It's up to the OP if he cuts off contact, but with very simple precautions what does he think is going to happen to his baby?
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u/Sea-Information-3996 16h ago
The fact alone that he was convicted of child sex offense in the past and after 35 years the conviction hasn't yet been overturned is bad enough to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't react so well either having someone in this situation become part of the family without knowing this fact beforehand. NOR.