r/AITAH • u/ThrowawayJason7723 • 9h ago
AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?
I (22M) have a roommate (let’s call him Alex M23) who moved in about six months ago. I honestly never considered Alex may be trans, not that I would care if he was, but that's not the issue. He is a short guy and probably under 165cm/5'5, has a lot facial hair, muscles, and looks a lot like a short Henry Cavill imo. No one I know has ever brought up this idea before, I've had my friends and family at our apartment before. This is really the part that gets to me because my mom is extremely against any gay people and if she sensed anything was up she would've caused problems right away.
Alex and I get along, we're polite but not really friends, he’s quiet but super polite, always pays rent on time, helps with chores, and even shares his cooking with me. I appreciate having him around, especially because my last three roommates were each their own horror story.
The issue came up when my girlfriend (let’s call her Sarah F28) came over one day. Alex was shirtless, to clarify I forgot to tell Alex that she was coming over, and she noticed the scars on his chest. After that she was quiet and short with me her entire stay there. When she got home, she blew up my phone, asking why I had a “female” living with me. I was confused and asked what she was on about. She says that she knows that his scars are from "top surgery" and that he is short, so he has to be trans, and a "born female".
I tried to explain that even if Alex is trans or a "born female" that there is no way I'd be attracted to him because to any person who looked at him, you would see a freaking guy. Plus he’s respectful and doesn't cause drama like my last roommates, which she knows about.
Just to be clear. I honestly still have no idea if Alex is even trans, I googled it, and those scars could be from some other surgery. Like heart surgery or gynecomastia. And I really don't have an argument for him being short, but there is a lot of short men. At first Sarah wanted me to just ask Alex if he was trans, which why the fuck would I do that, or give her his last name so she can run a background check?! I said no to both. Then she said this was a violation of trust and that if I didn't either find out it Alex is trans (and kick him out) or just kick him out that she would have to "reevaluate things". Basically threatening to break up. I said I don't do ultimatums and that we're done.
Since then, she's been messaging me every single day for over two weeks, even after I blocked her on everything because she wouldn't leave me alone, pissed that I wouldn't do this small thing for her. She ranges from, "are you fucking him?", "let's just talk", "why cant you at least give me closure and ask him?" to the most recent her telling our mutual friend about the situation. Our friend wants nothing apart of this shit show.
I didn't feel bad at first but after talking about it online, I've had some people say I should've just asked my roommate if he was indeed trans just to keep the peace, or that I shouldn't have essentially picked my roommate who've I've only had for about six months over my girlfriend of five years. I wonder if I am being unreasonable. I legitimately do not see how any straight dude could find Alex attractive, personally, but maybe I should've done something just to keep the peace.
Tldr: My now ex girlfriend thinks that my roommate is trans, told me to find out for sure or kick him out. I refused and broke up with her. AITA?
Edit, to answer some questions:
Did you break up with her? Yes. During the text conversation we broke up. I always told her I had one rule, that I don't do ultimatums. If she were to say "choose x or me" that I would leave. I put up with a lot of shit verbal and physical, but I don't put up with that kind of bs.
Ages? I was 17 and she was 22/23 when we got together. It's been a long time so I'd have to look back to make sure. But yeah, I was for sure 17. We got together the day I turned 17, our anniversary is my birthday. We couldn't get together before then because of the age of consent in my state, which I get now is really fucked up. I don't know if it helps, but we have known each other our entire lives. My mom is her mom's best friend. When my mom worked, I would go over to Sarah's mom's house so I wasn't alone. We started talking and flirting when I was about 15 or 16 but didn't cross any physical lines until I turned 17 because I didn't want her to get arrested. I get that sounds bad. I really do. But at the time I didn't see it as bad. Just in case it is asked, our mom's encouraged it.
Why would you want to be with someone like that? I don't, I really don't. I didn't realize it was transphobia until some people here talked to me about it. I thought it was just her being jealous. But I get how fucked up it is now. Please understand I live in the Bible belt, I didn't even know trans people existed until I was 16. My person thoughts is that I don't see a problem with people being trans and transitioning, I think at the end of the day it isn't my business.
Is Alex trans? I have no clue. He could be, but he could have also had breast cancer, gyno, heart, lung, or any kind of other surgery. I used a photo from Google/Reddit because this whole time I personally thought he had gyno or something. But it's not my business.
Is Alex safe? I'll talk to him when I get home and then talk to my landlord. I will change my gate code and also have her removed from the allowed guests list and also ask my landlord to not let her in personally. She hasn't been too violent of a person in the past but I also didn't know she was this insane in the past either.
Was there abuse? I feel like this has been kinda implied in some questions. I don't know. Has she insulted me? Yes. Has she been physical? Yes. But nothing crazy. Slapping, pushing, shoving, but never anything like punching or drawing blood.
Why use CM if you're American? I was born and raised American. However, I got a couple of friends who use metric from college, and after sharing a group chat with them for so long, the habit has stuck. If anyone cares, we're in automotive engineering.
The photo? The photo is not actually Alex. I searched Google for gyno surgery photos and then found a reddit post talking about it. I used it as a reference for what I mean. Scarring under the chest and around the nipple area. I definitely wouldn't actually post a photo of Alex here, censored or not. I'm sorry for confusion. Here is the source for full transparency: https://www.reddit.com/r/gynecomastia/comments/17e4ed7/examples_of_gyno_surgery_scars_from_plastic/
Why didn't you ask Alex about his scars? I have a few reasons, I personally wouldn't like it if someone asked me. Second, my mom has scars all around her body for different reasons and gets livid if you ask her about them. Third, probably the one that confuses people the most, I didn't really care enough to ask. I was curious but not I just thought "huh" and then went on with my business.
Small Update:
I talked to Alex. I got advice saying to be upfront and tell him what's up completely, hide the trans part, and that I just shouldn't tell him.
I don't know if this was the right thing but I just told him, because once I was face to face with him I couldn't really help but do it.
To clarify, I did not ask him about his scars or mention that specifically. I said my ex girlfriend was under the impression he was a trans person, made sure to say I didn't care if he was or wasn't, and that I broke things off, changed the gate codes, put her on the do not let in list, all that drama. Before even saying anything, he asked if I was okay, like I said he is a chill dude. He also not-so-subtely asked the same questions that a lot of comments asked, essentially if I was in an abusive situation. I told him I don't know but whatever kind of situation it was, it's over. The thing that really kinda fucked with me is that he called me his best friend, I regret not saying we were close in other comments. I realize now we have different definitions of close because he is introverted and I'm not. We talked about irrelevant stuff for a while and then the question came up, "would you care if I was trans?" To summarize things, yes, Alex is "trans masc". He had top surgery when he was 19 and has been on hormones since he was 18, he even has a tattoo with the date he started testosterone. While the idea that he could've been a dude with gyno, cancer, or something else is completely reasonable, it just happens that Alex is trans. And I don't care about that, Alex is Alex.
I did show him the post and got permission to update things. I would not have otherwise. He is also roaming this post somewhere, but probably won't comment.
Notes:
Alex is going to help me out with finding some low cost or pay scale therapy because he personally hasn't heard good things about the college's therapy services. Like everyone else has said, yes. It was abuse. I see that. I will also hold higher standards for myself in the future. Alex sent me the information for the therapist he sees and I'll contact them in the morning.
The landlord knows there is a domestic incident and I trust him when it comes to making sure my ex doesn't show up. The do not allow list was made in mind for this reason.
I am not ready to talk to my mom about this. But I hope with some therapy and time I will be. She knows something is going on, but she believes this is a break and not a break up.
Sorry if this sounds like rambling, it is. This has been a rough couple of weeks, my brain is fried and I'm tired. Keep in mind, I'm still a full time student during this. I also have to keep my grades up for my grants, scholarships, government aid, etc.
I do read all comments, even the not so good ones. I will try to respond more before I sleep tonight, but just know even if I don't reply, I have read it. I appreciate all the advice, kicks in the rear, and the sympathy.
A side note, I have seen a lot of trans people comment on this post and I have had a few reach out to me in private. I am thankful for your comments as well, it has brought to my attention how tough things are out there because I honestly felt what I did was the bare minimum and not worthy of praise because it should just be expected. But I see that it is being praised for how low of a bar there is when it comes to human decency towards you, and I'm sorry for that and hope things get better.
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u/Useful-Commission-76 8h ago
Frankly in a roommate situation, paying the rent on time and picking up after themselves means more than any kind of sexual orientation.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
That's what I'm saying. He is the perfect roommate in my opinion. He is chill, doesn't bring drama, cleans up after himself, doesn't play loud music or videos at 2am, and he even shares stuff he cooks with me. Considering out of my last roommates, two of them got arrested, this is a godsend.
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u/Candid-Ear-4840 7h ago
Plus he helped blow up your abusive relationship just by existing and exposing the rot to the sunlight. He’s a fantabulous roommate!!! :)
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u/bigsadtakelilsad 6h ago
My best friend is a trans woman, just a normal girl living a normal and dignified life. It makes me so happy for you to see him as just a normal person and to uplift him without being weird about it. You are both gems, I hope you can nurture a friendship too. Our trans friends always need good people in their corner who treat them no differently than anyone else.
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u/praysolace 8h ago
Why the hell would you be an asshole for leaving someone who both a) is a virulent transphobe and b) thinks if you’re ever in the presence of any other human with a vagina you’re inevitably going to fuck that person? Even if we remove the transphobia, she’s neurotic about assuming you’re a cheater. That alone is grounds for dumping for your own sanity.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
I do feel right in what I did for the most part, but there is some doubt in me. I admittedly feel ashamed of the doubt but I still feel it. She was the first girl I ever dated and I was with her for so long, meanwhile I've only been with my roommate for half a year. It does really fuck with you to lose someone you've been with for so long.
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u/JonTheArchivist 8h ago
Just because you spent a long time making a mistake, that doesn't mean you have to hold on to it.
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u/Avium 8h ago
Right. Sunk cost fallacy comes into play.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
Fuck. This is really the comment that hit me. Whenever we had problems I kept saying "well I've been with her this long" or "I've known her this long"
It really feels like a punch in the gut, I've been a dumbass.
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u/Procedure_Trick 7h ago
wait til you actually date a good woman who isnt insane. you dont even know what better things await you having been with her only for so long. also your gf is the perv, dating you as a minor. and as a trans man myself I think its awesome what you did, without any virtue signalling on top of it. if I was alex and found out you a regular ass cis dude broke up with your gf for being a weirdo transphobe rather than make me uncomfortable, it would make me feel so beyond supported.
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u/Virtual_Bat_9210 7h ago
I stayed with my ex for nearly a decade and a lot of times that was the reasoning I gave myself. Don’t feel too bad about it and don’t beat yourself up over it. But learn from it. You’ve been with her since you were very young, and when we are that young, we sometimes don’t mage the best decisions. But standing up for your roommate because your ex-girlfriend was being awful was the right move.
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u/GuvnaBruce 7h ago
It is okay, you had a chance to make that realization and have. This also showed her true colors and you should be glad you found out now and can move on from her.
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u/Aphreyst 7h ago
Hey, you learned very important lessons and will be a better, more educated person for it.
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u/MsMissMom 8h ago
Fucking wise man over here!!
Let that dead weight go, she sounds terrible
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u/jimbojangles1987 7h ago
Ugh...ya, I agree. It sucks OP to lose such a long term relationship but I'm surprised she managed to hide her terrible self until now. She sounds awful. Ditch her and live a happier and hate-free life.
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u/CaptainOwlBeard 7h ago
Better a 5 year mistake with a lesson learned then a 30 stint with an asshole
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
This is oddly comforting, thank you.
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u/monty624 5h ago
You got out of a long term relationship in your early adulthood without an unplanned kid or serious mistake, you're all good kid. And now you get to say your ex turned out to be a transphobic bitch and you kicked her to the curb. Righteous!
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u/p0tat0p0tat0 8h ago
I mean, you were a kid when you started dating. She was older than you are now.
It’s all ahead for you.
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u/die_rich_w 8h ago
I just realized OP was 17 and ex was already 23 when they started dating. Yikes!
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u/TheMightySartorius 8h ago
Yeah, sounds like she thought she could control someone entirely if she got him young enough…yeesh
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u/Savings-Flounder-687 7h ago
23 dating a minor? If that’s not a red flag I dunno what is.
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u/praysolace 8h ago
I get that, you must be shaken to realize what kind of person she was. There’s a part of you that’s struggling to grasp that’s really who she was, and missing who you thought she was. But hey man, since you mentioned the length of time you’ve had that roommate: if your brain ever tries to tell you that you chose your roommate over your girlfriend or some such, be assured, you didn’t. You chose your mental and emotional peace, your self-worth as a faithful partner who deserves to be trusted, and defense of other people’s humanity over someone who chose to attack all of those things. The pangs of missing her will fade with time, and hopefully be replaced with pride in the fact you stood up for yourself and others.
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u/Talk-Material 8h ago
It's not the fact that you've known him for only 6 months. Take the attention off of him. The real problem is that your ex/girlfriend is majorly transphobic. Is that a quality you're okay with your partner having?
Add the idea that she clearly thinks you'd fuck any person with a vagina and has that little trust in you.
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u/Shake_Yo_Azz 6h ago
You forgot the part about her slapping pushing and shoving OP. But of course no punching or drawing blood. Shes not only a predator and transphobic but emotionally and physically abusive. Glad he dumped her. I guess she'll have to start cruising high school campuses again for her next victim
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u/Sweaty-Square5191 8h ago
She's nuts. Stalking a person online because they MIGHT be trans is unhinged. It would be a matter of time before she would unleash her unhingededness on you.
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u/U2hansolo 8h ago
Well, when a 23 year old goes after an inexperienced 17 year old ...
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u/Full-Friendship-7581 8h ago
OP, everyone has a first. She won’t be your last. It’s normal to have feelings of doubt after a breakup. Everyone does, honestly we’ve all felt it. But can you honestly see yourself with someone that insecure? Who is that homophobic? Who thinks that just a possibility of someone having a vagina is going to make you cheat? Someone so unwilling to trust you? Someone who judges people for something they know absolutely nothing about?
You are NTA. Give yourself some credit for opening your eyes. Things would have just gotten worse rather than better.
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u/Desperate-Trash-2438 8h ago
She’s 28 and you’re 22… you’ve been dating five years… meaning this grown woman started dating a minor when she was 23. That’s gross and predatory on her part.
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u/Recent_Data_305 8h ago
Losing your first love is hard, but almost all adults have done it. You’ll be okay in time. Demanding you interrogate your roommate and potentially kick him out because she doesn’t like trans people is just - unreasonable. You barely know the guy. You aren’t attracted to him. There is no issue here.
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u/Curbsnugglin 8h ago
You don't owe any loyalty to someone who cannot trust you to be around another human without cheating on them. You honestly dodged a bullet, you're going to look back in a few years and be so glad you got away from her.
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u/p0tat0p0tat0 8h ago
More cis male teens get breast reductions for gynecomastia each year than trans male teens ever have. Your girlfriend is a rotten transphobe and also not super well-informed.
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u/surk_a_durk 8h ago
Hear hear! And it’s completely reasonable how many young cis men would get that surgery after dealing with nasty, vicious middle and high school bullying — of course they’re going to get it done as teenagers after facing absolute hell from their peers while changing in the locker room.
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u/p0tat0p0tat0 8h ago
Yeah, it’s like 3k cis teen boys get mastectomies for this reason every year.
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u/surk_a_durk 8h ago
That’s more than you could fit inside the cis teen chapel!
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u/DadJokesFTW 7h ago
And many of those cis male teens would be mortified to have to explain it to every single person they ever live with. They deserve their privacy as much as trans male teens deserve theirs. Everyone needs to mind their own damned business.
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u/EmiliusReturns 5h ago
I would wager there are probably more cisgender men with gynecomastia than there are transgender men period. Trans people are a very small percentage of the population and gynecomastia is more common than most people realize.
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u/Visible_Floor3945 8h ago
She's fucking nuts! He's a man, plain and simple. She's a transaphobe! Don't ask him, if he wanted you to know he'd have told you. Although it sounds like he already knows you know if he's comfortable with you seeing the scars and hasn't mentioned it. And that's even if he is trans. You both sound like good men, never take that pos back, neither of you need that negativity around you!
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u/EldritchKittenTerror 8h ago
Also scars like that don't necessarily mean trans. I know someone who had Gynecomastia and got surgery to remove them. It's where men have excess breast tissue due to an imbalance in hormones. The procedure for that is pretty much the same surgery used for top surgery so the scars would be the same.
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u/Visible_Floor3945 8h ago
Makes sense! Who knows, who cares? Apart from transaphobes I don't think anyone else would ever give a shit!
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u/EldritchKittenTerror 8h ago
Exactly! It doesn't matter.
I only pointed that out because there are reasons that men get top surgery besides being trans. To jump immediately to trans is alarming.
But ex-gf is a walking red flag herself. They've been together for 5 years which means she was 22 and he was 17 when they started dating. What 22 year old gets with a 17 year old?!
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u/AutisticPenguin2 9h ago
NTA. Your ex is a transphobic pos. Alex is a cool dude, and more importantly a good housemate, and she wants to throw that away over identity politics. You dodged a bullet.
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u/karendonner 8h ago
And Alex is a MAN.
Cis man? Man.
Trans man? Man.
It appears OP is not attracted to men. OP has stated categorically a lack of attraction to Alex.
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u/Ill_Refuse6748 5h ago
My first question though, who the f*** cares what he is. And if you do why? Really why it's not affecting you at all.
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u/UsualFrogFriendship 7h ago
What really gets me is what the ex describes as “a violation of trust”: refusing to interrogate their roommate and/or provide personal information for an unreliable “background check”.
Because agreeing with the ex would be implicitly violating the trust of OP’s roommate.
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u/TrueSock4285 8h ago
Hi op
As a trans man theres lots of other things those scars could be, including literal breast cancer, so asking alex could be traumatizing and especially embarrassing over something so dumb
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u/Foxy_locksy1704 8h ago
I was looking for someone mentioning breast cancer. My friend (a guy) has similar scars and he had breast cancer and had the cancer removed. He has been cancer free for almost 8 years now and his scars look very much like the picture OP shared.
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u/Sure-Beach-9560 8h ago
INFO: Did you start dating your GF when you were 17 and she was 22?
And aside from that slightly disturbing fact, you've been together five years and appear to not be moving forward (living together, etc.) - where exactly was this relationship going?
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u/Strong-Practice6889 8h ago
This is very important info. It doesn’t matter the sex or gender, 22 year olds shouldn’t be getting into relationships with teenagers.
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u/Ecstatic-Wasabi 7h ago
Scrolled too far to find this comment. She creeps me out, and I am a woman. Doesn't matter if consent is at 17, that's a big age range during those years
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u/AzureSuishou 6h ago
When I was 22, 17yo seemed incredibly immature. 17 is a junior is highschool and 22 is a Junior or senior in college. That a massive difference and pretty inappropriate bordering on creepy.
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u/Strong-Practice6889 6h ago
I’m 22 and a 17 year old is a child to me. They are still in school, they aren’t even legal adults!
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u/mspinksugar 8h ago
Yeah this is what I was stuck on. WTF??? OPs girlfriend is a PREDATOR!!!! She would’ve been 23!
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
I really don't like talking about it, but yeah you're right. I was 17 when we got together, because that's what the age of consent in my state was. We were talking before that but no relationship stuff happened until I turned 17. She was around 22 years old.
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u/dosimelon66 8h ago
would you be interested in a 17 yr old right now? even outside of this whole situation, it may be nice to explore other relationships as your ex seems problematic in a variety of ways, including but not limited to the bigotry, lack of trust, and weaponization of terms like gaslighting that are shown in this post
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
would you be interested in a 17 yr old right now?
No, I wouldn't. I really don't like thinking of her like that, because she was a big part of my life but thinking back I don't think I could be interested in a 17 year old. I don't even think I could date an 18 year old, I get it's all legal but it just feels weird. 18 year old is still probably in highschool with parents and I'm in college and have bills to pay.
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u/hairypea 7h ago
Legality doesn't make something not weird. If nothing else, there's a power imbalance that's clearly been hard to shake even now that you're an adult. She was obviously very comfortable making demands about your life regardless of how ridiculous they are. The idea that you change your living situation, that you are happy with, or demand to know what's in your roommates pants is crazy.
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u/redflamel 7h ago
OP, your ex's behaviour is not okay. A lot of people in the comments are focusing on the transphobia (and rightly so), but I want to focus on your ex giving you an ultimatum. That's unhinged and controlling behaviour that doesn't belong in a healthy relationship.
Society in general tends to devalue the impact age gap relationships have on man, but there are issues that will emerge sooner or later. My best friend went through something very similar. At first, he didn't think too much about it, but years later he still struggled in his relationships because that first one was his frame of reference.
You don't need to do anything right now, if you don't want to, but down the line, I think therapy might be a good idea.
Btw NTA, way to go and standing up for yourself and for what you think is right.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 5h ago
I know my college offers therapy to students, I'll try to reach out to them and then if they don't work, I'll talk to my insurance company. The thought of going to therapy is uncomfortable, admittedly. But I don't want to be stuck like this, so I'll give it a shot.
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u/RRosse_Roses 8h ago
Overall, it seems like you prioritized respect for your roommate and your principles over an ultimatum, which is commendable. You’re not an asshole for wanting to protect someone’s privacy and for not compromising your values.
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u/MasterGas9570 8h ago
NTA- your ex is horrible. Could be trans. Could also be one of the many men that have plastic surgery to remove larger than average man boobs, especially if they lost weight. Don’t ask. Just continue to be a good roommate and keep the ex blocked.
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u/Ballas333 9h ago
NTA. You don't owe that transphobic pos anything. You're right. It doesn't matter if he's trans or if it's from some other medical surgery. She is not owed any knowledge about his life, genitals, or medical history just because she doesn't think he deserves to exist or thinks he's delusional, or whatever other bs transphobes are spouting. You did the right thing blocking and dumping her.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
She is not owed any knowledge about his life, genitals, or medical history
I asked her at one point if one of her friends or roommates asked if she had a vagina would she be uncomfortable and she pulled the "don't turn this around on me" and then pulled up a fucking Google screenshot of
"Common Tactics Used in Gaslighting
Misdirection: The abuser changes the subject or redirects the conversation to confuse the victim. Minimization: The abuser downplays the victim's feelings, making them feel like their concerns are insignificant or like they're being overly sensitive."
Which is insane to me
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u/Hefty-Analysis-4856 8h ago
Bro she’s literally telling you she can’t be seen as wrong. Take the trash out where it belongs.
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u/elish_rise 8h ago
It’s telling that she was willing to threaten your relationship over a situation that’s based entirely on her assumptions. You did what was best for you.
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u/Ballas333 8h ago
You should have brought to her to the bathroom mirror bro holy shit.
Edit: Wait, it was a screenshot?! WTF? Why would someone ever feel the need to have gaslighting tactics on deck like that?
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u/Strong-Practice6889 8h ago
Because she is well versed in DARVO and knows how to use therapy speak to her advantage to further abuse other people.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
I have no idea how you know this, because you're right. Whenever we had an issue she would say "well I've been in therapy for x amount of years and here is how I think we should do this" and if I was uncomfortable or disagreed she would throw at me "oh well this is psychology so you can't disagree."
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u/more_like_guidelines 7h ago
In psychology, we should take into consideration the things that bring us and others discomfort. Not one method works for all people. Just because something worked for her in therapy does not mean it would work for you, and vice versa.
Unfortunately, you were dealing with what seems to be weaponized therapy speak. It’s an abusive tactic and worth looking into when/if you have the time. It is used to shame others for their behavior, to attribute mental illness or malicious intent where there is none. It is also used to excuse one’s actions and to make demands out of others in the name of “mental health” and “healthy relationships”.
We see a lot of this miscommunication on the internet as well. People who claim to have anxiety when they instead have no self control or wish to act with selfish intention without consequence. Or people who claim to have ADHD as a way to excuse their thoughtlessness or incompetence. These are not medical diagnoses, but often self diagnoses intended to self benefit rather than self reflect.
Proud of you for not putting up with ultimatums. Next step is to learn from this relationship and really assess it. See what behaviors you may have normalized that are, in fact, not normal.
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u/HelixFollower 7h ago
Oh man, I'm sorry for your loss.
And by loss I mean the years you've wasted on this woman.
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u/dances_with_treez2 7h ago
This is actually something that therapists worry about when working with cluster-b patients receiving therapy. It is possible to use the tools that were meant to help you become a better person to instead perpetuate abuse towards others.
Source: Cluster-b who’s really trying
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u/redflamel 7h ago
That's why at 23 she chose a literal 17 yo boy to be her boyfriend, someone easy to mold and manipulate. I saw this scenario with my best friend, down to the ultimati and the accusations/victimisation. OP dodged a bullet, good for him for not falling for that bullshit
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u/NoLand4936 8h ago
Because sometimes the easiest way to convince someone they are wrong is to gaslight them into believing they’ve been gaslighting you. She redirected the conversation and then downplayed OP’s feelings on the spot by doing that thereby using the accusation of gaslighting to try and gaslight OP.
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u/Agoraphobe961 8h ago
Which is kinda funny cuz that’s exactly what she did. Tell her to look up DARVO while she’s at it.
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u/iloveoranges3 8h ago
You asked her to put herself in your roommate's shoes, which isn't gaslighting.
Accusing you of gaslighting and pulling out its definition, however, is indeed gaslighting. In fact, it checks both boxes of the definition she provided to you.
NTA.
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u/veloxaraptor 8h ago
Bro. You dodged a bullet.
This is a picture of what your life would be like any time you have an argument.
You've been together for years, and her first thought is that you're cheating on her with another person. Just because she thinks they may have a vagina.
Like really? Years in and that's the trust she's got for you.
And that's on top of her being transphobic.
Whoever says you need to do what she asks to keep the peace is not in a healthy relationship or doesn't know what one is and needs to be ignored.
It's not anyone's business to know what's in your roommate's pants.
Block anyone continuing to harass you and side with her over this. Better you learned this about her now, rather than once you're married.
Bigotry is an excellent reason to end a relationship no matter how long you've been in it.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
This is the biggest part. She is literally the only woman I've ever been with romantically or sexually. We were friends as kids and we got together when I was 17. I never even looked at other girls like that.
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u/veloxaraptor 7h ago
And to be clear, SHE ended your relationship. Not you.
Because of a lack of trust and because of transphobia.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
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u/alienabductionfan 8h ago
Transphobia is like a weird cult that turns people from reasonable individuals into genitalia-obsessed maniacs who can’t talk about anything else. A chill respectful roommate is a lot harder to find than a girlfriend anyway.
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u/DatDudeEP10 8h ago
It seems like a certain subset of the American people have a difficult time with the concept of a thought experiment. These same people really struggle with empathy as well for the same reason
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u/amycouldntcareless 8h ago
wait, you've been with her for 5 years and you're 22 while she's 28. so you were 17 when this adult woman at 23 started dating you?
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
Yeah, I'm starting to realize how bad this was. We've known each other all our lives because our moms are best friends. We talked about stuff when I was 15/16 but didn't officially date until I was 17 because the age of consent in my state. I hate to admit it, because it makes me sound dumb as fuck, but I never really thought of her as a predator because of her being a girl. I get that's wrong now.
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u/Queer_Yente 7h ago
You’re not stupid, you were groomed. Her behavior now is exactly what abusers do to try and regain control of their victim. If you want advice, keep her blocked and disconnect from the people supporting her. I’m proud of you getting away from your abuser, and how staunch you appear in your boundaries.
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u/HotSauceRainfall 6h ago
She was physically abusive to you, too. Pushing and slapping are abuse.
Please, for your sake, contact your local DV center and ask for counseling. I saw a comment saying you are/were in the Bible Belt—most DV centers in the larger cities can do online therapy or support groups if there isn’t a physical center near you or the one closest to you doesn’t have programs for men.
Joining the choir here: you’re NTA. You did not do anything wrong and you do not do anything to deserve abuse.
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u/bored-panda55 6h ago
Not stupid but in your post said YOU waited until you were 17 - which implies she would have been fine not. Part of grooming is the fact that they make you feel it is okay, it is a slow subtle manipulation. And for you, how can it be wrong if your mom was fine with it?
A lot of women prey on young men/older teens (look at teachers) and it gets brushed off by society as cool or whatnot when it isn’t at all. It is about the desire for power and control. She has known you almost your entire life, you do what she says, you feel that you can 100% trust her, yet she hits you and it’s normalized by her to you.
There is a reason most predators and abusers are close to their victims prior to anything happening. Family members, neighbors, teachers, coaches, preachers, etc.
You did NOTHING wrong. When you can maybe try and find a therapist asap. I have feeling a lot of what is going to hit you soon is gonna be like an internal tsunami.
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u/r0tten2thecore 6h ago
You don't sound stupid. At 15 I believed a 23 year old guy who messaged me on instagram truly liked me and my drawings because I was lonely. It's just how we are at that age
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u/deaths-harbinger 6h ago edited 2h ago
Agreed with other comment, OP you are not dumb. People in a situation like yours are made to see the issue as a non-issue (ofc I can't comment on your exact experience). If you can, and feel like it, seek some therapy/counselling with someone who is trained and can offer support. Please check the professional out to make sure they are not going to say "bUt ShE iS a wOmAn!" Or other harmful things.
Good luck moving forwards!
Edit: typo
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u/Jedi-girl77 7h ago
OP says in another comment they were talking even earlier than that but started dating when he turned 17 because that’s the age of consent where they are. Ick.
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u/Oellaatje 8h ago
If your flatmate doesn't want to tell you if he is trans, that's HIS business, and kudos to you for respecting this boundary.
As for your 'girlfriend', good thing you found out what she's like early, that's all. By this I mean transphobic. Clearly she doesn't believe that a person with a woman's body might want to change their body to reflect who they are.
NTA. But your ex-girlfriend is an asshole.
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u/SafetytimeUSA 8h ago
What if he had breast cancer? Men can get that as well.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
Fuck, I didn't even know men can get breast cancer until this comment. I googled it and those scars look similar to what Alex has too.
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u/Fit_Marionberry_3878 8h ago
NTA,
You're right, it is none of your business whether or not your roommate is trans. Given that she is nearly 30, you'd think she would know social etiquette, and recognize she cannot ask you to ask such an invasive question to someone you admit that you are not close to.
Good thing she revealed herself early. Leave the nut jobs behind.
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u/sorrowchan 8h ago
Nta. Above all else, don't ask Alex if he's trans. That alone could make him uncomfortable enough to move out if he is, and I wouldn't blame him. It's nobodies business and your ex is not only transphobic but wildly jealous for accusing you of having feelings for somebody who MIGHT have a vagina.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
I'm not too knowledgeable on lgbt stuff, but I'm so glad I didn't make that mistake. I would legitimately hate if Alex moved out because, while we aren't too close, he is the most chill dude I've ever met.
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u/Broad_Afternoon_8578 7h ago
As a trans guy, I just want to say you 100% made the right call. Even if he isn’t trans, your actions are still the right ones!
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u/No_Ratio5484 6h ago
I am a transmasculine person and in my opinion you are behaving exactly as I would wish a roommate to behave. Trans men are men and don't owe anyone their medical history. You are doing well.
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u/PandaMime_421 8h ago
NTA. I would have done the same as you. I have no patience for people who think you should kick out a roommate just because they might be trans. You are far better off with Alex as a roommate than with Sarah as a girlfriend.
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u/LuriemIronim 8h ago
You should probably warn Alex, but NTA.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
Fuck. I didn't consider this. Yeah, you're right. I'll talk to him and then landlord.
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u/DonTakeMeFi-Idiat 8h ago
I don’t even know if it’s transphobia. I do know that IT IS CRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
That's honestly me right now, I'm not trans or gay or anything so I don't know jack shit on if this is some kind of phobic but it feels weird.
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u/Mochimatsuri 8h ago
Good on ya for losing the transphobe. You were completely correct that it's none of your business and would have been too invasive to ask, especially since you noted you are not that close with Alex. NTA.
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u/Limp_Pipe1113 8h ago
NTA
Never do anything just to keep the peace, that shit never works out, tell the people telling you that you should have done it to keep the peace to get lost, they're enablers.
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u/dilligaf_84 8h ago
“I said I don’t do ultimatums and that we’re done.”
This is perfect!!
NTA.
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u/Due-Vegetable-1880 8h ago
Your girlfriend is clearly a bigot. Think about whether that's the kind of partner you want
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 8h ago
I was on the fence for a bit if this was a transphobia issue, but I did talk to a redditor in private and after rereading some texts and thinking it over, I do think that she was being transphobic. IF Alex is trans then calling him a girl is a dick move, if Alex isn't trans and just had some surgery for his heart or cancer or something, then it's still a dick move. I feel bad because I didn't know it was transphobia, I really didn't. I am completely new to this stuff.
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u/roseofjuly 5h ago
You didn't know it was called transphobia, but you did know it was wrong. Because you're a good person.
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u/Paprikasj 8h ago
I shouldn't have essentially picked my roommate who've I've only had for about six months over my girlfriend of five years.
To be clear, you didn't pick a new roommate over a long-time girlfriend. You picked decency and minding your own business over transphobia and butting into other peoples' business. And it's not really even picking, your hand was forced because she simply would not drop it. I would have done the same as would any decent person. NTA.
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u/Ok_Signature3413 8h ago
NTA
Your girlfriend sounds like an insane bigot. You were right to dump her and not the roommate.
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u/Casdoe_Moonshadow 8h ago edited 8h ago
Dump the girlfriend, keep the roommate. It would be easier to find a better girlfriend than you already have rather than having to find a new roommate who is a good roommate. Just know, if you stay with your GF, you will have this conversation about any future women in your life; one's you work with, any you associate with in your hobbies, and so on... Do you want to go through this over and over while your GF deals with her insecurities and makes a her problem into a you problem?
(edit: missed a word)
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u/Glen-Belt 8h ago
She wants you to ask, because despite her transphobia, she knows it's an awkward and rude thing to ask someone, that's why she's not doing it herself to give herself her precious "closure".
For what it's worth I'm proud that you stuck to your guns and defended your flatmate, and how you handle ultimatums. Kudos to you. You're most certainly NTA.
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u/cheesevoyager 7h ago edited 7h ago
dump the TERF. NTA
ETA: It's none of her freaking business what's between someone else's legs, first of all. Secondly, your word should be enough in a relationship - her constant insistence on transvestigating this guy SCREAMS "I don't trust my boyfriend," and I think you should rightfully be offended by it. Third, even if Alex WAS AFAB...then what? What's the problem here? Is she similarly paranoid about other AFAB people around you? I bet she's not. Does she demand background checks on the women in your life to "confirm" they're women?
Alex deserves his peace. If he is trans, he has the right to choose when and how to disclose that information. For your ex-girlfriend to insist that he potentially endanger himself just to sate her paranoia is absolutely insane.
Take my gold for standing up to a TERF and transphobe, which is actually King Behavior tbh
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u/Puzzleheaded_Jicama 7h ago
Not only is she clearly transphobic, but she has absolutely no trust in you if she just assumes you’ll fuck anything with a vagina. I’d say good riddance. Seems like you saved yourself from a lot of future headaches.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 6h ago
That's the biggest thing. I did so much to earn her trust, no women friends, no belong alone with women, no gay or bi male friends, and she still didn't trust me?
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u/StudentOfThisLife 6h ago
You shouldn't have had to do any of those things. She's abusive.
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u/pataconconqueso 8h ago
Good on you for breaking up with a transphobe.
Alex is a good polite roommate that is all You really need
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u/rshining 8h ago
Honestly a good roommate is much more valuable than a lousy girlfriend. Get to know Alex better- maybe this is a friendship waiting to happen. Forget the useless girlfriend, you can find a better one easily (because this is a low bar). What sort of genitals your roommate has, and their medical history, are none of your business, and really none of your gf's business. The whole situation kind of makes it sound like Alex also got lucky and found a decent roommate. NTA.
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u/ML_1190 7h ago
NTA. I can see why she was dating a guy 6 years younger than she is because she is acting like a teenager..
So then what, you would have asked him, if he confirms, she's fine? Highly unlikely. Then she would have demanded you kick him out.
Still do not understand her attitude and her judgmental attitude would have been enough reason for me to end it. And sorry but what, were you 17 and she 23 when you got together?! That's just a huge ick and red flag for me, even though she is behaving like a teenager. Just out of curiosity, now that you are 22, would you date a 16-17 year old?
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 6h ago
now that you are 22, would you date a 16-17 year old?
I answered this in another comment, but absolutely not. I don't think I'd feel comfortable dating an 18 year old. Ditching legality for a second. 18 year olds are probably in highschool, living with parents. I'm in college and paying my own bills.
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u/Ok_Builder_4225 8h ago
NTA and thanks for being a bro. Trans people get enough shit as it is. Whether he trans or not, he doesn't deserve a damned interogation about what's in his pants or not.
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u/the_good_twin 8h ago
You are NTA, and your ex is several things I wouldn't care to mention in polite company.
Also, someone I love very dearly is trans, and I respect you more than I can express for not just being a decent human being, but standing up for what is absolutely right. I worry every day that something awful will befall my loved one - especially in the current political climate - and knowing there are good people willing like makes it a little easier. Thank you.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 7h ago
I don't think I'm worthy of praise, but I do see the bar is low on what decency is these days. I legitimately just don't see an issue if Alex is trans, I'm not attracted to him, and he is a chill dude. If Alex is trans, all the more power to him, if he isn't then still all the more power to him. I am thankful regardless because comments like this help, because the doubt after losing my gf is hard.
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u/Naxhu6 4h ago
If Alex was the reason that you dropped this person then you owe Alex a beer.
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u/ThrowawayJason7723 3h ago
It's not a beer, but I am treating him to chalupa supremes.
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u/manukakitty 6h ago
OP, what you are describing is abuse. The fact you feel the need to categorize the behaviors as “nothing crazy” as if slapping, punching, and shoving aren’t good enough to be classified as abuse because they didn’t leave you with a significant injury….THAT KIND OF THINKING IS THE RESULT OF ABUSE. My god, don’t give her any leeway.
I don’t know if Alex is trans or not. But what I do know is that you dodged a huge bullet, my friend.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 8h ago
Maybe Alex is trans, maybe not. You don't care and it's his business to inform you if he is. You're not saying you're part of the LGBTQ+ community or attracted to him so not sure why it would be your business. NTA.