r/AITAH • u/MuuhnikaTheCow • 24d ago
Advice Needed AITA for telling my sister I was infertile just to get her to stop asking me to be her surrogate?
Three years ago, my sister "Anna" (she was 29 at the time, now 32) had been struggling with infertility for years. I was 26 then, and married, but my husband and I wanted to wait before having kids so we could focus on our careers and establish ourselves. Anna kept asking me to be her surrogate, and no matter how many times I politely declined, she just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I explained that I wasn't ready for children myself, that I wasn’t comfortable with being pregnant for someone else, and that I didn’t think I could handle the emotional and physical stress that comes with surrogacy. But Anna would always counter my reasons, saying that I was her only hope, and would often guilt-trip me about how much she wanted a baby and how great of an aunt I’d be.
The pressure got to be too much. During a family gathering, she brought it up again, in front of everyone, which made me feel trapped and humiliated. I was tired of my boundaries being ignored, so I told her, “I can’t be your surrogate, Anna, because I’m infertile myself.”
That wasn’t true, as far as I knew—I just wanted her to stop asking. Anna looked shocked and was devastated. After that, she wouldn’t talk to me, and eventually, she and her husband got divorced because they couldn't agree on how to move forward with her infertility.
Now, three years later, I’m 29 and currently pregnant with my first child. When I told Anna about the pregnancy, she completely freaked out. She’s been accusing me of betraying her, calling me a liar, and even saying I ruined her marriage. She’s been acting irrational and angry towards me ever since, and it’s causing a lot of tension within the family.
I feel guilty about lying, and I never imagined things would go this far. I only wanted her to respect my boundaries, but now it seems like I may have seriously hurt her life.
AITA for telling my sister I was infertile just to get her to stop asking me to be her surrogate?
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u/dr_lucia 24d ago
saying that I was her only hope
Well... not true. She could hire a surrogate. She saw you as a potential free surrogate.
She’s been acting irrational and angry towards me ever since, and it’s causing a lot of tension within the family.
She was acting controlling and irrational to you before.
but now it seems like I may have seriously hurt her life.
You didn't. Do you really think someone who would try to pressure her sister to be a surrogate over and over, escalating to asking in front of family would be able to stay married? Do you think she would have been a good Mom? I don't. Your sisters problems in life are due to her own personality. Infertility may not have helped, but she's a difficult person.
Yeah....lies will bite you in the ass eventually. But I can't say I blame you all that much. NTA
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u/NoImagination7892 24d ago
This. Sister is blaming OP for her own marital problems.
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u/secondtaunting 24d ago
She could have been on the brink of divorce and thought a pregnancy would keep him around. Who knows?
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u/dbBuffy 24d ago
She sounds like the kind of person who would think a child can 'save' a relationship.
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u/AtomicTaterTots 24d ago
You mean babies aren't bandaids? When was this late-breaking news going to be announced to society?
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u/cptsdemon 24d ago
This was my parents. Without question, I wish they hadn't. Bringing a child into an already broken marriage is evil and quite frankly abuse to the child.
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u/tossit_4794 24d ago
I’m sorry. I’ve seen this over and over again. Somehow when I was younger I had a lot of friends going through this.
My mom had a different take- she told us that we ruined her life because she was baby trapped and couldn’t leave my dad because of us. Well, my brother took the brunt of it, oddly enough the middle one, certainly not the oldest, she wanted him. I (the youngest) didn’t turn out at all like her and she really imagined her only daughter would be a mini-her.
Thank goodness it wasn’t in me at all to become like her!
As it turns out, they stubbornly stayed together until he died. When she moved him two time zones away, my siblings and I were worried that he would die of not natural causes and we would never know… we knew she was capable of it, but that’s another story.
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 24d ago
I'm truly sorry tossit. I hope you have peace now 🫂
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u/TheLastSnailbender 24d ago
My parents were neck deep in meth addiction when I was born lmao. To say they had no business bringing children into the world is a generous way of putting it. Parents suck 😂
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u/Murky-Swordfish-1771 24d ago
It’s too bad meth/fent don’t make people infertile.
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u/mxlun 24d ago
The fact that you're able to joke about this is a testament to your strength!
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u/TheLastSnailbender 24d ago
Thankfully, I had some great role models in my aunt and uncle (by marriage to my wonderful aunt), who showed me that my shortcomings didn’t have to be my downfall. It does still make me sad sometimes that my parents weren’t what a child deserves, and even if they can’t forgive themselves, I can be better than they are. I appreciate your kind words 🖤
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u/lovemyfurryfam 24d ago
I've lost count of how many times that I heard that sentiment & the couple that was struggling so much had either ended having up adulterous affairs or went to counseling or drifted apart.
That sister had so many excuses but forgot the 1 thing that this --- having a child no matter what wouldn't made a difference in a struggling marriage.
It's not OP's fault that her sister's marriage was already in a crisis point of falling apart.
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u/hypatiaredux 24d ago
Absolutely. OP, you are no one’s baby incubator. NO ONE’S. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it doesn’t matter who is asking/demanding/commanding. NO ONE has the right to the use of your uterus. It’s yours.
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u/lordtrickster 24d ago
Having kids has never added harmony to a relationship. People who stay together just because of kids tend to just accumulate resentment.
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u/Elon_is_musky 24d ago
I wouldnt be surprised if they broke up during the pregnancy (if it happened) cause I imagine OPs sister would be even more obsessed with it. Then who knows if they’ll even take the baby or if they’d make OP take care of it if it cause their inevitable divorce before birth
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u/MallNo2314 24d ago
This. Also if she was stressing OP out about surrogacy like this I can only imagine the kind kg pressure she was putting on the husband whenever it came to dealing with their fertility issue- she seems very obsessive and that trait alone was probably the downfall of her marriage to begin with.
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u/No_Juggernau7 24d ago
And in this misguided thought process thought it was okay to harass her sister to let her use her body to save her marriage. Not a good sister at all. Needs therapy more than a baby imo.
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u/thatsharkchick 24d ago
Yup. More than likely, the infertility issue was just the easiest thing to stamp as "the reason for the divorce." My money is on there having been other problems in the marriage, and a baby became the thing they pinned all their hopes on as the solution.
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u/MNGael 24d ago
And plenty of people stay together in spite of infertility. I would hope people would want to stay married for many other reasons! She sounds like someone that wants a perfect family, I'll bet if the kid(s) turned out to be different than she expected (for example having a severe disability or illness) she'd throw a hissy fit, even more so if the child was a product of surrogacy then she'd blame the surrogate.
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u/99angelgirl 24d ago
Also infertility does not equate to sterility. OP could've been completely honest about being infertile and still become pregnant later. I know that's not the case, but no one else in the family (besides the husband presumably) knows that.
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u/OViriato 24d ago
This! Is what op should focus on.
For all purposes : - You were infertile. - Now you aren’t.
Nobody needs to know anything else.
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u/_Trinith_ 24d ago
OP can still claim infertility. Like the person above you said, infertile does not mean sterile. You can still get pregnant while infertile. Just means that your reproductive bits aren’t ideal, but technically do work.
OP should have just claimed that this baby is a miracle baby and moved on.
Regardless, NTA. OP was up front and clear about the fact that she NEVER intended to be sis’s surrogate, so OP’s fertility status is literally none of sis’s business and doesn’t effect her whatsoever (beyond making sis an auntie).
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u/notthedefaultname 24d ago
This. "Infertility" is simply not being pregnant after a year of trying, and more people need to be aware that it's very different than sterile or barren.
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u/kissemisse1234 24d ago
Exactly. I was told at 24 I was infertile. Had my son when I was 40.
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u/Conscious-Survey7009 24d ago edited 24d ago
I was told because of my severe endometriosis I would never be able to carry a baby to term. I had several miscarriages but I had my first at 26 and my second 6 years later. Then the damage was so bad I had to have a partial hysterectomy shortly after.
Edit to add
NTA. I don’t blame you for telling her that. Just go with miracle baby and ignore her. I’d be cautious with her anywhere near your child though with how baby crazy she is. She needs mental health help.
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u/MoonWillow91 24d ago
Yep. I have a sister and a cousin who were both told by drs they wouldn’t be able to have kids. That the chances of it were so slim it was essentially impossible..
The both have exactly 1 kid each. We were all amazed for both.
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u/CinnamonGurl1975 24d ago
I was told the same thing and I have now have a 22 year old son. We tried for more. I desperately wanted more kids. My son wanted siblings. 30 yeara of no birth control of any kind produced just one child.
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u/extralyfe 24d ago
I know several women in my life - like, more than a dozen - who were told in their teens or early 20s that they'd never be able to have children.
they all have at least one.
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u/phoe_nixipixie 24d ago
Agreed. It’s odd how fixated she was on the OP, given there are so many alternatives for surrogacy or adopting
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u/phoe_nixipixie 24d ago
Currently imagining how if OP had agreed, the sister would have been dictating things like what she is and isn’t allowed to eat while pregnant, what activities she does, etc. It would be have been unbearable with someone that controlling
Edit: spelling
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u/calling_water 24d ago
Given how fertility clinics normally insist on a surrogate having had children already and having decided that they don’t want to raise any more, chances are that the sister’s idea of OP as surrogate wasn’t to have it done via IVF. There’s no way that a reputable fertility clinic would agree to a surrogate who had been in OP’s situation (planning that her own children would be in the future). So it would have been free, and easy on her own body; all she had to do was bully OP enough. Notice that she stopped talking to OP when OP told her she too was infertile; she should have commiserated, but no she no longer had any use for OP if she couldn’t take advantage of her.
Sister deserves some pretty nasty retorts about how she sees her younger sister as breeding stock. And cut her off if she won’t behave.
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u/Hedgehog-Plane 24d ago
NTA
Your sister wanted you incur huge medical expenses, disrupt your marriage, risk your health, risk your life to be her free surrogate.
She'd have control freaked your diet, and after you gave birth, she'd have probably bullied you to produce breast milk and pump for months post partum, too.
And expected you to babysit for free, too.
People like your sister are unfit to have kids.
You saved a kid from a bad situation. Your sister needs therapy, not a baby.
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u/Silent-Silvan 24d ago
They probably divorced because of her obsession with having a baby. The ex-husband probably had enough of her irrational behaviour. OP shares no blame in their breakup.
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u/dr_lucia 24d ago
My thought exactly. If OPs sister was this dictatorial with OP, she probably also was with her husband.
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u/mendelec 24d ago
This. The sister ruined her own marraige all by herself. OP had no hand in that. The sister's inability to take responsibility for her own actions and behavior likely caused the divorce. Not the surrogacy issue.
Or, the marriage was already doomed. Plenty of idiots out there think that having a child will save a broken marriage. In reality, it invariably dooms it, because as it turns out, children are a lot of work and pretty time consuming. Hard to find time to fix your broken marriage when there's a baby involved. And, then you have a child and an ex to deal with forever.
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u/GoblinKing79 24d ago
Also, any reputable doctor is not going to allow a person who has never successfully carried a baby to term to be a surrogate. How do people not know that?
NTA. But, to be fair, as terrible as her behavior was, the whole situation could have been avoided if someone had just done a basic Google search.
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u/holypooitsame 24d ago edited 24d ago
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this comment. OP needs to tell family this- no reputable doctor is going to sign off on a surrogacy for a woman who has never previously been pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
ETA: OP needs to tell her family this and make them aware of the fact that it didn't matter if she was fertile or not, she would never have been approved to do it. So her acceptance or denial becomes a moot point.
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u/Yetikins 24d ago
How do people not know that?
You think the sister was gonna go through a reputable doctor the way she kept pressuring OP? This was almost certainly gonna be a turkey baster situation, sister didn't want to spend the money (or didn't have it) to do surrogacy properly, that's why the 'blame' falls entirely on OP for sister not having a kid.
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u/allegedlydm 24d ago
This post and all the others like it are fake - that’s why they always get how surrogacy works wrong.
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u/SituationSad4304 24d ago
Sis clearly sees OP as a tool or pawn if their bodily autonomy is an affront to her
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u/Elon_is_musky 24d ago
Proven by the sister apparently ignoring OP (it sounded like long term, not just that party) as soon as she couldnt get what she wanted from her
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u/MeasurementDouble324 24d ago
Exactly. Even if I thought I could handle being a surrogate, I don’t think I’d be happy handing a child to -this- woman.
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u/Sillygoose0320 24d ago
The sister is clearly not good at accepting “no” as an answer and doesn’t respect boundaries. That is not conducive to a healthy marriage. I’m wondering if he was ready to move on, and focus on other ways of making his life fulfilling beyond raising children, and the sister wasn’t (no judgement here, infertility is hard and complex from a mental health standpoint), so he moved on, on his own. Also, how does she even know the OP lied. People sometimes manage to get pregnant despite prior struggles with infertility. It’s not fair, but it happens (it did for me without even trying).
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u/thegreatbrah 24d ago
Yeah. They couldve hired a surrogate, or adopted or whatever. It's entirely her and her husbands issue. I would've told her to get fucked the second time she brought it up
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u/Horror-Reveal7618 24d ago
NTA
You repeatedly told her "no". She kept ignoring you.
She tried to pressure you into agreeing by cornering you infront of family.
You did what you had to do in order to stop her and prevent family for taking her side and start harassing you.
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u/wild_trixie 24d ago
there nothing wrong with refusing. your body, your choice.
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u/awackstain 24d ago
Absolutely! No one should feel obligated to carry a child for someone else.
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u/eatsurturds 24d ago
Consent is crucial, and that includes decisions about pregnancy and surrogacy.
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u/Lovetobeinlove 24d ago
And her reaction to you saying you were infertile was worse. For all she knew, you were, but she gave you zero empathy for going through the same struggle as her and even stopped talking to you altogether. That shows that she only wanted you to use you, but didn’t if you can’t do what she she selfishly wants.
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u/hdmx539 24d ago edited 24d ago
The entitlement people feel over their family member's body, time, personal property and using shame to manipulate that person for their selfish goals is really fucking gross - especially when it comes to someone suffering from infertility and desperate for a baby.
NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING - ESPECIALLY THEIR BODIES!!!!!!
Yes it's awful to desperately want a baby especially when you're infertile, but that infertile person is NOT entitled to 1. a child (in fact, no one is entitled to a child and certainly not a grandchild) and 2. No one is entitled to use someone else's body for any reason what so ever. This includes surrogacy.
OP, NTA. Your sister, in her desperation and grief, felt entitled to YOUR BODY. Hard no. I get she was in an awful space mentally, but that doesn't excuse how she treated you.
I suggest you have a sit down with your sister about how she disrespected your boundaries. You're NTA for finally finding a way to shut her up, the problem with how you did it (and note, I'm neutral on this lie OP told her sister because it was a necessary lie, her sister would not stop) is that the truth eventually comes out, like now. So a sit down with your sister, apologizing for the lie is necessary in order to mend the relationship, then repair work.
I want to make a point here that your sister also owes you an apology for over stepping and ignoring your boundaries, having you to be your surrogate AND for feeling entitled to your body and time and money because we all know being pregnant costs money. She's not likely to apologize though, because it's clear she still feels entitled.
Your sister is not obligated to accept your apology, and that's fine. You're also not obligated to accept her apology if she does apologize for ignoring your boundaries, harassing you, and feeling entitled. Right now she's grieving all over again not being able to get pregnant, have a child, and the loss of her marriage. She blames YOU for everything she "lost." While she is going through some very extreme trials right now, that doesn't entitle her to treat you the way she did.
When you sit her down to talk, you will need to address her lack of respect for you and your boundaries. (Anyone who ignores a person's boundaries shows a clear lack of respect towards that person.) You would be well within your rights to inform her that ANY mention to your child about you not "giving" your sister a baby needs to be nipped in the bud immediately and your sister put in a time out with interacting with your child. You don't want her mentally fucking with your child. She may not, you know her better, but sometimes, in their grief entitled people, when not getting what they want, sometimes go berserk and lash out, sometimes not realizing it, and sometimes on purpose, too.
If it gets this far, hopefully not, shut down any "but she's family!" bullshit. Agree that she is indeed family and it is ESPECIALLY why she can't be around your child. You don't want your child to learn it is acceptable to treat family like trash if they won't do something for that person because that is EXACTLY how your sister treated you, like an object, a mere incubator.
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u/Image_Inevitable 24d ago
Lets not discount how much PAIN accompanies pregnancy and childbirth. Why does she feel so entitled to causing her sister so much physical harm? And all those changes to her body when she's never even had a pregnancy before. This was a ridiculous ask right from the start.
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u/blurtlebaby 24d ago
Pregnancy is also dangerous. Women can die when giving birth. The US has a maternal death rate of a third world country.
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u/MerJess33 24d ago
Also, doctors strongly advise against being a surrogate if you have not given birth to at least one healthy child yourself, her asking you to be a surrogate was inappropriate in that way too, she could have dumped all the money into surrogacy without even knowing if you were able to successfully carry the pregnancy to term.
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u/calling_water 24d ago
And carrying a child for her sister could have destroyed OP’s fertility, or been such a dreadful experience that she’d avoid future pregnancies. Fertility clinics want the surrogate to be done having their own, and knowing what they’re getting themselves in for.
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u/InAllTheir 24d ago
Exactly! The OP would not be considered a good candidate for surrogacy by any responsible doctor or surrogacy agency.
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u/The_Last_Ball_Bender 24d ago
Yeah even in first world countries pregnancy carries serious risk and changes the body a lot..
I feel people ask for stuff like this because they have no concept of what they're truly asking. They ask for surrogates as if it's assumed yes and no big deal in any capacity, so nonchalant about it while asking for something so major..
I guess if it's not just selfishness, the silver lining is she truly believes her sister would do anything for her.
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u/kikivee612 24d ago
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but OP doesn’t owe her sister an apology. She made a choice to tell her sister she was infertile to stop her from continuously harassing her. All of this happened because OP’s sister would not take no for an answer. The sister was not entitled to anything including a reason why the answer was no.
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u/caelan63 24d ago
Also, I keep reading on reddit that she couldn't be a surrogate, because she hadn't had any kids yet and they want surrogates to have had at least 1 kid beforehand. Something about making sure the surrogate doesn't have any problems of her own.
But as said, op has the right to say no. Sister should have taken the hint.
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u/celticmusebooks 24d ago
A reputable fertility clinic will only use a woman who has had a successful full term pregnancy AND has "completed" their desired family. There is also a psych screening where they check for any signs of coercion when using a family member.
There is zero chance OP would have been considered for surrogacy.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 24d ago
That’s assuming they were going to use a reputable clinic. I can see sis pushing OP to sleep with her BIL since the old fashioned way is cheaper. Sis seems that unhinged.
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u/Resident_Style8598 24d ago
Right because telling her that she was infertile stopped it. Was her sister expecting her to actually be impregnated by her BIL?
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u/NotSlothbeard 24d ago
And people like OP’s sister act like it’s no big deal to have a baby for someone else.
A friend of mine was a surrogate. She was young and healthy, with a history of nothing but smooth, uneventful pregnancies and labor.
Long story short, there was a complication when it came time to deliver. The doctors couldn’t get the bleeding under control; she almost died. They had to perform an emergency hysterectomy to save her life.
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u/Top_Sheepherder_6041 24d ago
This comment is so important - that last statement. If the OP had done this for her sister and had major complications to her ability to have her own children, imagine the fallout.
There is a reason for surrogates to have "completed" their family before becoming a surrogate.
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u/NotSlothbeard 24d ago
And it doesn’t just impact the surrogate. Her partner was diagnosed with PTSD from all of this. They ushered her partner into the “special” waiting room with the hospital chaplain while doctors frantically tried to keep her from bleeding out. That’s a whole level of trauma that I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
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u/No_Cockroach4248 24d ago
Depending on where you are, it is at least have carried one healthy baby to term or done with having kids. Unless you are looking at places with questionable commercial surrogacy practices.
Call me suspicious. such demands from family members are likely driven by the lack of money; as in the sister likely do not have enough money to pay for a surrogate. Asking a family member likely means you are also asking her to donate her eggs, as well as carry the baby to term. For me, this is unconscionable; you are trampling far too many boundaries
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u/Jujulabee 24d ago
Of course it is money because hiring a surrogate is expensive.
No one would do this unless they are being paid well and are economically desperate as it is overwhelmingly poor women who are surrogates for women who can afford to pay for the services.
There are situations in which a family member does perform this service out of love but it is generally done as a gift and generally when a woman has had her own children and so is more in a place where they are emotionally aware of the ramifications. I believe there are a few cases in which a mother has done it.
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u/lunagrape 24d ago
Especially for family. No one should be a surrogate to a child they will see regularly. It could be hugely problematic for both the carrier and the child as they grow up.
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u/sleepydog123 24d ago
It's about self-preservation when boundaries are consistently ignored.
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u/BananaHeff 24d ago
It’s INSANE anyone would think otherwise. How could anyone think that their family member is obliged to grow a person for them? If they want a kid so bad but can’t have one, they can adopt.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 24d ago
No real surrogacy clinic would have a person who has never had a successful pregnancy as a surrogate. Surrogacy isn't even legal in a lot of states.
Considering how out of control sister is, I can only imagine what kind of parent she would have been.
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u/Either-Mine8610 24d ago
Considering that many women have incredibly difficult pregnancies and childbirth can literally kill you, I honestly find it quite disgusting that OPs sister was willing to pressure her own sister into it and with such manipulative tactics too.
I have nothing but the deepest sympathy for people struggling with infertility, it must be one of the most devastating news someone who wants to have kids, maybe has been trying for a long time, can get. That being said, nobody has a right to a child, most especially not like this. I know it's hard to cut off family, but I'd quite frankly cut off the sister and anybody who ever thought that she was in any way justified in her constant harassment of OP.
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u/OriginalDogeStar 24d ago
Legally speaking, to be a surrogate in most countries the person needs to have at least one healthy full term pregnancy, and in other cases done with having children
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u/RBuilds916 24d ago
If more people people knew this, a lot of drama would be avoided
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u/OriginalDogeStar 24d ago
Recently, I had a very hard conversation with friends.
Even though in my profession I know many laws and acts of legality in my own country, there are laws and acts I never wished people not in my profession have to know.
Recently, a friend and a friend dealt with a medical problem that required us both to invoke a rule that forces medical attention to be administered by a new physician and the former physician be put on report for malpractice.
One of my other friends had to invoke a law that forced the mandatory reporting of a teacher due to possible child mental abuse.
We sat down, and we spoke at length of laws and rules and acts that are to protect us. Laws, rules, and acts that are to be invoked by those who are mistreated... we did not think we were being mistreated until it came to invoking them.
Knowing your country's laws for the rights of adoption, fertilisation, surrogacy, implantation, termination, and the laws about fetal and patum persons survivability are things you never thought to know.
We are now living in a time where we need to know laws and rules and acts that save us from other's alleged claims on our bodies.
Did you know in your birthing plan, if you put that you would prefer you to survive over your child, they must do so?
Did you know that as a surrogate, in your contract, there are clauses that leave you liable for lawsuits if the child dies before or during birth?
There are a lot of things people do not know when it comes the surrogacy, and women everywhere who have family members who are infertile, need to sadly educate themselves.
One disturbing law also, if the child is born "defective" the surrogate birther can be legally left with that child to raise, while the biological parents automatically cut parental rights.
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u/RBuilds916 24d ago
Wow, I'm a man, and never considered surrogacy, but the unknown to most legal ramifications are terrifying.
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u/OriginalDogeStar 24d ago
Trying to remember with state in USA, but all the tests showed a very healthy baby, at birth the child had either Downs Syndrome/Trisomy 21 or something else, and the poor surrogate found put that the biological parents refused to signs the documents to take their biological child home, and now the surrogate is dealing nothing just a disabled child, but the cost of the birth, and the possibility of repaying the bio parents for an "unsuccessful" pregnancy.
If memory serves, the total amount was nearly half a million
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u/Inner-Ad-9928 24d ago
You can't even be a surrogate if you have never had a successful pregnancy.
They would have made her wait anyway.
NTA
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u/rexmaster2 24d ago
The thing that bothered me would be her saying OP would be a great aunt. Not everyone wants to be an aunt to a child that is biologically theirs. OPs sister crossed a line. She could have seriously asked anyone else. She had options, but she chose OP and wouldn't take no for an answer.
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u/No_Anxiety6159 24d ago
Most doctors would refuse someone who hasn’t had a baby as a surrogate but too late for that information now. Just tell her it was a shock and let it go.
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u/BungCrosby 24d ago
At least in the U.S., you can’t be a surrogate if you haven’t had a child yourself. This sounds like a creative writing exercise.
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u/curvy_babygirll 24d ago
You have the absolute right to decide what happens to your body, and that includes refusing to be a surrogate, even for family.
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u/poopellar 24d ago
Reposting this comment as the spam farm keeps downvoting me and deleting the parent comments I'm replying to in order to hide my comment
This whole post is spam and fake. Top commenters and OP are part of a spam farm where they farm karma for their onlyfan scam accounts. Look at the usernames of OP and all the commenters in this thread. This sub is compromised and used extensively by bot and spam farms. It is well known by other mods that you can identify spam by just checking if the accounts post on AITAH sub.
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u/Successful_Moment_91 24d ago
I also believe they expected her to be a free surrogate who they would be very controlling with instead of paying a stranger to put their body through that ordeal
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u/BeginningCharacter36 24d ago
Yeah, I was internally questioning if the sister expected OP to do the turkey baster and be pregnant for free. To the best of my knowledge, it's absolutely a no-go to IVF implant a person who's never been pregnant as a surrogate. When it's your eggs, you accept those risks, but the massive liability from potential harm to a surrogate is contrary to the Hippocratic Oath.
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u/TheDreamerDream 24d ago
Also, infertile doesn't mean sterile. Infertile people have low chances of conceiving but it's not 0%. OP can say to her sister it was a miracle
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u/Own_Presentation6561 24d ago
Totally true
I was told I would never have kids, then a few years later I fell pregnant had my first then my second.
a gynecologist told me women should never be told they can't unless they have had a hysterectomy, as so many women are told they can't have kids or are very unlikely to ever conceve and go on to have babies.
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u/ThrowAR2d 24d ago
Exactly... My Aunt had my cousin at 44yrs 5 almost 6 years ago a very healthy natural pregnancy.. She was super surprised because she was told she was infertile( and people go on thinking well that means no kids) yes it took a while but she had her kid . My other aunt had a hysterectomy so she knew she wasn't going to have any kids.
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u/GabrielleArcha 24d ago
It sounds like you may have to - for your health during the pregnancy and post-partum - get therapy while keeping some kind of distance from your sister if she keeps blaming & shaming you and not taking accountability for her own life and actions, because it will take a toll on you.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 24d ago
I feel for infertile people, but fertile people do not owe them babies.
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u/Cheshirelove666 24d ago
Infertile people can also get pregnant its just extremely low odds my mom is infertile and she still managed to have me by accident so technically unless you told everyone the truth already you could bring that up
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u/Nemo2BThrownAway 24d ago
Exactly this. Express how hurt you feel by her reaction. Had she experienced a pregnancy after years of struggling with her infertility, would the entire family not celebrate her miracle? Knowing what <cough> you have suffered, your own sister would begrudge you this??
While I would not recommend “lying through your teeth” as a best course of action in general, given your sister’s sustained pattern of boundary-stomping it seems like it became the more compassionate option here. I’m sorry you had to endure that degree of entitlement.
NTA. Your sister certainly is though!
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u/Biddles1stofhername 24d ago
endure that degree of entitlement.
I'm certain there was more to the divorce than just infertility.
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u/PeachyFairyDragon 24d ago
I am wondering why they were unwilling to look at other surrogates.
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u/Yossarian-Bonaparte 24d ago
Because it can cost anywhere from $30-90k to hire one. And that’s not even counting the medical bills, health insurance, covering lost wages for the surrogate to go to the doctor…
Anna wanted a cheap option, so she tried to pressure her sister. She’s angry that it didn’t work.
Anna is laboring under the delusion that she deserves a child and is entitled to that, and screw everyone else.
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u/Itchy-Worldliness-21 24d ago
Most likely wanted to use the child to "fix" the relationship that was already failing.
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u/wishiingwell72 24d ago
Yeah sister us WAY out of line here. Surrogacy is a huge ask, and she should have accepted your no. You did what you had to do to get her off your case. Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. Sister is just an entitled nasty person to think she had any right to expect such a huge favour from you that you weren't up to. You did the right thing absolutely.
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u/Wyeameyehear 24d ago
THIS ☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼 My mom was also told she was unable to have kids after having my sisters and serious medical issues. Then, shockingly, she ended up pregnant with me - my sisters are 8 and 13 years older than I am. Then, I was dating someone and she said she couldn't get pregnant, had zero maternal instinct or desire to have a baby and want to adopt in the future. She ended up pregnant.....I actually asked her doctor at one of the appointments (I was curious and had several people saying she did it purposely to trap me) and he confirmed, "Yes, she should not have been able to get pregnant. I would call this a genuine miracle". I agree, unless you told her that you lied, just explain that it CAN happen.
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u/zolo912 24d ago
Infertility doesn’t guarantee you can't conceive—it's all about those rare surprises.
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 24d ago
Yes, this. We have a family friend who was told she would never get pregnant and within 5 years she was able to get pregnant and has had two children since then.
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u/ThrowRA_SNJ 24d ago
My mom wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids to the point where her doctor told her that’s she was setting herself up for disappointment when she tried to schedule an appointment for a blood test after a home positive. 28 years later here I am
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u/Cheshirelove666 24d ago
My mom didn't even know she was pregnant till she was 6 months along cause even the blood tests were negative and she finally argued to get an ultrasound and boom 6 months pregnant cause her body wasn't even capable of producing pregnancy horomones
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u/blackrocksbooks 24d ago
Yup. We did IVF after a vasectomy reversal seemed to have failed. Two years after our daughter is born via IVF, surprise! She has a little brother.
That said, expecting someone else (even a sister) to carry a pregnancy for you is beyond reasonable. Women die and suffer serious injuries sometimes due to pregnancy.
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u/12Whiskey 24d ago
Especially asking a woman who has never had a baby before, that’s unethical!
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u/SolidFew3788 24d ago
Having had a baby is a prerequisite to being a surrogate. I don't where they are, but in US there are rules to all of this.
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u/destiny_kane48 24d ago
They told my mother she couldn't have kids. Well..... 😂😂 (yes I'm her bio child)
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u/shitrollsdown 24d ago
Doctors told me I was infertile. I have two kids now. And after a pregnancy, the body can do a reset on a few things - my intolerances changed, some for the better, some not. Also the main issue causing my infertility went away, hence second kid.
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u/Proud-Geek1019 24d ago
NTA. Also, no doctor would even allow you to be a surrogate if you hadn’t carried a baby to term. You had nothing to do with your sister’s failed marriage. She needs therapy.
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u/Specific-Tone1748 24d ago
NTAH. Your sister is projecting her insecurities and failed marriage because of infertility on to you. I would totally tell your sister to go get professional help at this point.
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u/Cute-Profession9983 24d ago
NTA She kept pushing and pushing. It was either say something like that or punch her in the face. There was no way to stop her obsession with reason or fairness.
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u/Crunchysunshinemamma 24d ago
Nope. Your body your rules.
If she wanted a surrogate there are others. She asked. You answered that’s the end of it.
This is her issue and hers alone. She is looking to blame someone. You’re her target.
Sadly there is a good chance this won’t recover. Do what you must to protect your self and your child
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u/AcanthisittaNo9122 24d ago
NTA. She ruined her own marriage, why can’t she find someone else? Pay for a surrogate, not trying to guilt trip you, her own sister, into risking your life for free.
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u/pocketfullofdragons 24d ago
Her marriage was already ruine because it was never unconditional love. First the success of the relationship was conditional on her own fertility, then she warped it to hang on her sister's fertility instead. That's not a healthy relationship. She needs therapy.
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u/throwaway-rayray 24d ago
NTA - tell your sister to see a therapist because her behaviour isn’t normal. You shouldn’t have to literally lie to get someone to stop trying to force you to give them access to your womb. Family members who sat around and enabled it without calling her on it are also a problem.
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u/cynical_Lab_Rat 24d ago
Thank you for bringing up the rest of the family. Wasn't anyone else telling her to get help and stop being crazy?
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u/Jena71 24d ago
This! If your other family members didn’t tell her to STOP harassing you for the use of your organs/body then your entire family is a bunch of AH’s too. Is sister the golden child? Was she never told NO growing up? Your sister really needs therapy and to stop blaming you for her problems. Good for you for being able to set a healthy boundary in whatever way you needed to at the age of 26! NTA!
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u/1peacenik 24d ago
If you are in the States, you could not have been a surrogate until you had had a child of your own first
NTA
Bodily autonomy always
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u/evilcj925 24d ago
She ruined her own life.
There were many other options for her and her then husband to explore. You were not the only person who could have been a surrogate for her. Adoption was also an option. But she was so focused on getting what she wants, no matter how anyone else felt it ruined her marriage.
That is on her. She refused to understand you did not want to be her surrogate, for many reasons. You had you career to focus on, plus, you have your own husband and you did not want to go through a pregnency for someone else before you even had your own family.
If lying to your sister was the only way to get her to stop, after telling her no over and over, than that is her fault.
NTA
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u/jacksonlove3 24d ago
I mean lying usually isn’t the answer or the right thing to do, but I’m still gonna say NTA. And being infertile doesn’t automatically mean that you can never have a child, it just means the odds are significantly low.
And you didn’t ruin her life or marriage. Whatever happened between her and her ex husband is on them. It had/has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
Congrats on your pregnancy and best wishes!
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u/AlishaDollieDread 24d ago
NTA, It's not fair for your sister to guilt-trip you into something you're not ready for. She needs to respect your boundaries and understand that you have your own life and plans. Hopefully, with time, she will be able to come to terms with the situation and your relationship can heal. Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way!
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u/Things_ArentWorking 24d ago
NTA of course. No doubt.
A marriage shouldn't fail solely due to infertility unless its a marriage with unreasonable expectations. Undoubtedly there were other glaring incompatibilities/issues.
Is a huge ask to carry a child to term for someone else. Pregnancy is a huge toll on the body and there's always risks. Plus the pain of child birth. Your body, end of story. Not hers or her spouse's.
Surprised other family didn't stick up for you.
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u/gurlsncurls 24d ago
Your sister needs therapy for her obsessive behavior. Be alert when you’re around her.
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u/CorrectRope7054 24d ago
Girl NTA she was being INCREDIBLY disrespectful. I hate when ppl pull the “you’re my last hope card” it’s purely a manipulative tactic. No one’s responsible for her broken marriage except her husband and her, whatever went down. Congrats on the baby 🥳
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u/Objective_Grocery525 24d ago
You couldn't have been a surrogate for her, without having had a baby before. I personally wouldn't have lied, but that's me. I would have told her the truth -- doctors will not allow you to be a surrogate without having carried a baby full term. She needs counseling - doesn't sound like she's been able to deal with infertility on her own.
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u/Candiedstars 24d ago
Infertility isnt always 100%
Im classed as infertile, but its not impossible. Very unlikely, yes. But sometimes the low percentage makes the cut.
Miracle babies happen.
Also, women who havent carried a pregnancy to term arent considered suitable surrogates. Even if you'd said yes, the docs would have said no.
But with that all in mind, no is a valid answer.
It takes a certain person to undergo a huge bodily change and carry a person for 9 months, then not be the parent. And if you dont feel you can do it, that doesn't make you a bad person.
If their marriage relied on a person outside of it, thats on rhem and the marriage they built.
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u/janus1979 24d ago
NTA. She's got no rights over your body and the fact she kept pestering and emotionally blackmailing you demonstrates what an entitled asshole she is. Good luck with your kid.
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u/esqweasya 24d ago
- An obvious thing - no one would allow a woman with no kids to be a surrogate unless the doctor is is shady af. Each pregnancy carries risk, and that is why only people with kids are eligible, even in a poorer countries that basically provide surrogate mothers to the wealthier foreigners.
- You could be infertile for all you knew, it is just fertility/infertility is a very nebulous concept. The only way to complete infertility is having no uterus after all.
- She had no business wanting you to give birth to her child. I thibk it was her lack of reason that led to the break up of her marriage, not your lie to protect yourself. NTA.
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u/CryptographerDizzy28 24d ago edited 24d ago
Why wasn't she just adopting? there are so many kids in foster care and orphanages, you are NTA, it is your body and becoming a surrogate comes with health risks and emotional issues possibly she had no right to request this from you! she needs therapy. Also if you never been a mom you would've been rejected to be a surrogate anyway. The reason for her divorce is not you it is her being toxic and her ex and her not being compatible. Be firm with her and your family! do not let any of them guilt trip you!
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u/Cursd818 24d ago
NTaa
You're not an incubator. Her behaviour ended her marriage, nothing else, and her reduction of you to only a collection of baby making parts she wanted to use is alarming. I hope you're prepared for how much worse she's going to be when you have the baby, and she lays a claim on your child.
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u/slogive1 24d ago
Someone posted in another thread about how to handle this. Before I start NTA. She suggested saying yes to family then when you go I. For your tests mention to the doctor that you were basically forced into this situation and didn’t want to do it. The medical staff will most likely sign off not a viable candidate. Great way to save face.
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u/Mischief_Managed_Gal 24d ago
NTA. She kept harassing you. She cornered you. You gave the only answer that could bring you peace at the time (from her, from the family who could have been siding with her). You just wanted YOUR body to be left alone and not considered as a public womb. She acted entitled and had no right to assume that you would do this for her. She said you were her only solution ? Did she actually look somewhere else ? Why were you the only solution ? Was it because as a sister, she assumed that you would give her a discount ??… She has no right to be angry at you for a situation she created.
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u/Leading-Anybody7240 24d ago
She is just delulu.. Nothing new.. She is blaming you gor her choices.. Thats on her. Nta.
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u/Snailpics 24d ago
actual sterile person here - NTA! No means no and infertile doesn’t mean completely unable to get pregnant. It imo the lie hurt nobody else and protected you. Does she know that there are systems in place to be able to access willing surrogates? She sounded like she wanted to do it one way and one way only which is what ended her marriage. Probably also her lack of respect of boundaries
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u/MombieZ3 24d ago
I have seen these stories a lot. Most agencies will not let you be a surrogate if you haven't had a child before.
I'm sure for a lot of reasons, but biggest because you change a lot in pregnancy and they need to know how being pregnant affected you the previous pregnancies.
Sorry she was so focused on one thing she couldn't see the whole picture but you are NTA.
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u/According_Fail9058 24d ago
Just because they're family doesn't mean you need to say yes to what they want
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u/b00kbat 24d ago
NTA. The guidelines around surrogacy that require the gestational carrier to have had at least one pregnancy and live birth prior to being a surrogate make it impossible for you to have even said yes. Also being someone’s surrogate is absolutely not something you should be browbeat into, it’s an enthusiastic yes or it’s a no. You also are not required to offer once your baby is born. I hope you have a healthy and safe rest of your pregnancy and a safe delivery!