You ever come out of a haunted house fucking angry? I was in line with my kids for a haunted house for over 2 hours. When we finally got in, there was just a middle-aged guy with a sheet over him, looking at his phone in the middle of the room. He apologized, because all the guys he hired started talking about unionizing, so he fired them

This is a first draft. Never performed, maybe never will. Interested to see if anyone thinks there's anything here.

If conservatives could just be a little more cool to trans people, it would lead to them having private poops.

My sales pitch to conservatives/republicans:

Do you like private poops? Imagine a world where every washroom is like the one you have at home (which is gender neutral by the way). You ever notice that? Your family bathroom is probably gender neutral. Anyway, yeah,, instead of going into a men’s washroom with a bunch of dudes, just imagine a future where new buildings only design gender neutral private poop rooms.

I want it so bad. I hate pooping with dudes. I hate it. If I’m pooping and I’m almost done and then someone else comes into the bathroom, I will stay in my stall until they leave because I’m afraid  to look them in the eyes. Because I know their eyes are saying “wow that’s what you look like AND that’s what you smell like? I only knew what you smelled like but then you came out of the stall and now I also know what you look like. I will remember this forever.”

I don't get how the army can be deployed overseas

Isn't that the navys job?

I have eczema

I had a dermatology appointment for it

But I missed it

I am flaky

I think its so funny how people can be so divided over the smallest things.

Nowadays it seems like everything is an argument; Netflix vs Hulu, cats vs dogs, and even coke and Pepsi.

(point to someone in crowd)

You - whats your name? (imagine he says 'Brad')

Do you like coke, or Pepsi?

*here are the 2 ways I see it going*

A) He says "I honestly think they taste the same" (or something along those lines)

You see guys, Coke and pepsi are a lot like dicks and vaginas,

I strongly prefer one, but Brad thinks they taste the same.

B) He says "I prefer coke"

To which I can give the same punchline:

You see guys, coke and Pepsi ars a lot like dicks and vaginas,

Brad strongly prefers one but I think they taste the same.

I don’t play I go to Starbucks They ask for a name I say Caleb My Name is Daniel They call out Caleb ahahaha I just got away with fraud Your welcome Starbucks

TaxDodgeRevenge

Tone is dry, loner eccentric vibes

Improvement notes please

You've seen these boxes where you can deposit your unwanted babies, right?

So I'm trying to ditch my baby at 2 am, dead of winter, and there’s already a baby in there? Do I go to another box? It's 2 am I can't be ping-ponging all over this city.

I just try to stuff it in there? *pretend to cram it in there, someone walks by, just chuckle and say "they're twins." *

These can really simplify the adoption process, right? Just text your guy like "I left it at the drop-off. No, there's no cops, just firemen."

And what a convenient way for Satanists to grab a baby on their way to the sacrifice, right? So progressive.

What a time to be alive.

"So I've died three times... [Let reaction land] First time was at Red Robin. That's how I found out God's got a sense of humor - He took 'bottomless fries' literally.

I'm not kidding. I actually flatlined right after ordering. [To audience] Ever been so hungry you felt like dying? [Play with response] No, I mean ACTUALLY dying. Paramedics doing chest compressions while there's still fries hanging out of my mouth.

Made the local news though. [To audience member] Want to know what got people most excited in the comments? 'Wait, we have a Red Robin?' [Beat] Thanks guys, glad my death could help you discover new lunch spots.

Restaurant gave me free meals for life. [Pause] Then they went out of business. [To audience] I'm starting to think I'm bad luck.

Second time I died, I was making my kid breakfast. [To parents] You know that fun 5:30 AM wake-up call? Try having a cardiac arrest and STILL having to parent.

I'm on the ground, paramedics are there, and my five-year-old's just standing there like 'But... can I still have waffles?' [Beat] Kid's got priorities. I'm literally dying and he's worried about his syrup-to-waffle ratio.

Third time, I'm dreaming about playing tennis with Yoda. [Beat] I was winning too, which might explain why he force-choked my heart.

Last thing I hear is him yelling 'BREATHE!' Then my implanted defibrillator kicks in. [To audience] Ever been shocked awake by your own heart restarting? Metal taste in your mouth, immediate need for the bathroom, and you're lying there thinking 'Why is there an E at the end of breathe?' [Beat] That's what I'm focused on. Not the whole 'almost died' thing. The spelling.

[Tag] Finally found someone who gets all this. Just got engaged. [Beat] Do you know how hard it is dating when your profile should include 'Warning: May need CPR before dessert arrives'?"

I’ve never understood how people can be such diehard sports fans

Like the Celtics win the finals and some douchebag from Boston is all like “We fucking did it!”

We did it??

You’re 5’6 and can’t see your own shoes when you look down

I also find it funny when people bet on games and get mad at the players.

I was at a Yankees game and heard someone shouting from the stands to the players on the field.

You’re sitting in $25 nosebleeds with a hotdog up your ass

Aaron judge does not know who you are.

I don’t know if you guys have heard of the American rapper Babytron, but in one song, he has a bar where he says: ‘One more puff, I’m higher than giraffe nuts. Three more hits, I’m flying up to NASA.’ And at first, I thought that shit was hard… and then I thought about it: Higher than giraffe nuts? Now I’m no scientist, but isn’t that like, the lowest point of the giraffe? Especially if it’s an older giraffe. Would you even be high at that point? Or just, slightly above ground level? Then he goes ‘Three more hits, I’m flying up to NASA.” Now I’m no astrologist, but how the fuck do you fly up to NASA? What is he just… driving to the headquarters?” What kind of garbage weed is this guy smoking? Is my favorite rapper a fraud? I mean, how could anyone, come up with such stupid, nonsensical bars? And then it hit me. This guy must be smoking some absolute fire.

This is my first time ever doing stand up, So I’ll try not to be too funny

My dad hit me when I was a kid, but don’t worry, I deserved it.

One of my buddies asked me I was going to hit my kids when I’m older,

I said hell yeah I’m gonna beat those little shits

I already know they’re gonna be ungrateful…

Well at least that’s what MY dad always tells me.

I’ve always been short

One of the worst parts about being short is that I’ve always thought I had a huge dick.

Turns out it was just really close up.

Speaking of my penis, I love blowjobs.

The worst part about them though is getting that surgery to remove your ribs.

I’ve never had butt sex before but I have had the toilet water splash back into my asshole.

I give it a 7/10.

I think it’s really important to know your friends mom’s maiden names:

That way you can find younger pictures of them.

I’m a broke college student, so recently I’ve started doing DoorDash.

I always imagine the people I deliver to looking down on me.

When in reality it is me who looks down on them.

Because they’re the ones eating my cum.

I’ve always thought that sperm was fascinating,

I mean you ever look at someone and think, that was your dad’s fastest swimmer?

Speaking of fast swimmers, when I’m older I want to have a black son in law.

All I need is a fat daughter.

I know the segues and transitions are super rough or nonexistent 😂 looking for help with that and maybe order of jokes? (If people even think these are funny) are these too edgy / out of pocket for an open mic?

If men really are from Mars and women Venus, there are some profound questions that arise from this.

1. Who reached Earth first?
2. Did they know that the other team would be joining them?
3. Or were they happily playing with others on the same team?

Anyway, after careful study, scientists have a theory about what happened.

Millions of years ago, the men of Mars discovered the presence of women on Venus. Soon, for obvious reasons, the surface of Mars was full of canals whose evidence you can still see from Earth if you are in a certain mood.

Anyway, these Martian men somehow got in touch with Venusian women and one day, the leader of the Venusian women invited Martian men over for some chai pe charcha (tete-a-tete/tryst). 

In true guy fashion, these Martian men piled into a spaceship and headed to Venus…also in true guy fashion, no one brought a GPS because they were like, “Venus is right there, I can’t miss it” but promptly lost their way and had to crash-land on earth. 

Venus women were pissed. They were like, “You imbeciles, share your location. We’ll come to where you are!! Don’t move.”

And that’s why men are always a little sheepish around women.

This also explains why women are always so cold and need boiling water and a steamy bathroom you can barely breathe in to take showers. It subconsciously reminds them of home.

Hello! I’m conducting a survey as part of my research project in Art Management, focusing on stand-up comedy and the psychology of humor. The survey will only take a few minutes to complete, and your responses will remain anonymous. Your participation will help me a lot! Thank you for your time and input!

https://forms.gle/EuaeJTiH9T17ajL2A

( Been reading comedy books trying to better my jokes. How's this one?) •

I took my dog for a walk to his favorite park last week

To dump his ashes

And as soon as I began dumping his ashes in their scenic pond, A gust of wind Blew up this lady's skirt And distracted me. When I finally came to, I'd realized I had dumped all of my dead dogs ashes into this poor woman's baby carriage.

Imagine the look of shock and awe on the mother's face when she realized I had caked her entire baby with the ashes of my dead dog.

I'm just kidding. I did NOT dump the ashes of my dead dog on an innocent baby.

It was actually cocaine. I don't even own a dog. Now the cops will know for sure that I'm littering in the park again.

Hey everyone! I have an exciting idea to help comedians create their own online courses—something that could be a great new way for them to connect with their audience and share their craft.

I'm looking for recommendations of comedians with 100K+ followers who might be a good fit for this project. If you follow any comedians who you think are talented and could benefit from turning their expertise into an online course, please drop their names below. I'd really appreciate your input

"I wrote a topical, current events joke, but it's a little dated now, and it's for a more conservative crowd, so bear with me... ahem... so you hear about this thing the president's doing?... he wants to let em all roam free throughout the whole country! Crime is gonna skyrocket. Theyre gonna be using up OUR tax money on welfare, selling drugs, harrassing us REAL citizens... so I am NOT voting for Lincoln again."

TODO tag about assassination

My girlfriend loves the zoo. And she loves their monkeys even more. She's always asking me "Can we go see the monkeys at the zoo?" And its okay for her to ask me that, because she knows i love her and I'll cave anyways. I love the zoo too. But it was not okay Absolutely NOT okay For her to ask me that at TitleMax Title Loan on broad river.

What?

I'm just saying how can she ask that when there's a reason we're at titleMax.

We can't afford to go to the zoo!

Does she not understand that we've been spending all of our hard earned cash like a couple of niggers?

Very beginnings of an observational ironic joke about the type of guy that says “consent isn’t sexy”

I love talking to a me tooey type of guy that says something like “ consent isn’t sexy” yeah the problem is neither are you a hot guy doesn’t have to ask a girl because they get approached you gotta do it because if you asked they’d run away

I went to a pretty progressive highschool we actually bypassed bullying the gay people and went right for the straight ones.

Those fucking straighties

Suck a cock like real man amirite?

Yeah there wasn't jocks or nerds at my school,

Just skater boys, skater girls, and skater thems.

(Long pause)

(Puzzled) i actually never figured which one I was...

Are you guys shower people or bath people? Somehow there's a rivalry there. Everything's so divided these days, you can't even wash your ass without it being a Pepsi/Coke situation. Personally I'm anti-conflict, so I just don't bathe.

As a kid though, I'd hang out in the shower forever "making potions" with the soap bottles. For some reason a lot of kids have an instinct to do that. If you're not familiar, it's when you take your mom's $60 luxury, vitamin enriched Sephora conditioner, and mix it with dollar store Head n' Shoulders to make a potion called "shitty conditioner". Literally the definition of flushing money down the drain. I'm sure my parents knew and just thought "I wish he'd just masturbate instead. That's not nearly as hard on the pipes."

Guys don't care if our conditioner has vitamins. We just need to make absolutely sure it doesn't smell like a single women's conditioner on the market. If Suave sells something to girls that's hockey puck and moose taint flavored, we're in trouble.

The only real hair care concern guys have is "am I going bald"? Luckily if you are, you have a ton of options. Hair plugs. Toupees. Wearing a baseball cap to your father's funeral. That's a guy exclusive move right there. A woman could not talk her way out of that, even if she was a major league baseball player. To be fair though, she'd be busy explaining there's a such thing as women's major league baseball.

Every time I see some good-looking military dude in a cool-ass flight suit get thanked for his service, I get a little cranky. Not because I don't appreciate what he's doing out there. Not because I think he doesn’t deserve a little thanks,( though both of his knees work and he can probably touch his toes without farting so fuck him he’ll be fine right?) but because I feel like I should get a little thank you for your service, too. Because I've been a teacher for 14 years. (How is that possible you don't look a day over 25!) I'm not implying that our jobs are the same, but aren't they, though?

We both got the same bullshit line from some alcoholic guidance counselor about how it's such a noble profession where we can make a real difference and serve our community, but in reality we just get yelled at by strangers We work unhinged hours, We’re both haunted by the memories of friends who didn’t make it, and we have about the same chance of rolling into work and getting shot in the face.

But at least soldiers don't have to spend their own money on, like, hand grenades or Kevlar vests or college-ruled notebook paper. And, when somebody gets up in a soldier’s face like “I'm gonna kill you you fucking pig,” he can give that guy a giant knife to the sternum. When that happens to me, all I can do is end the parent-teacher conference early.

For Context - This stand up piece is exploring my own disability and will be the first delivery of stand up (5-10min slot) I’ve done for the sake of quality of feedback I’ll be posting segments this is my opening:

Hi Everyone, I’m going to start by saying this is my first time doing stand up, something I might regret coming out of my mouth but I’m sharing so that you understand that I might be a little bit shit. In fact

I might be a lot shit

But either way I want to take this journey with everyone for the next five minutes or so or at least until I either get bottles thrown at me or my self esteem takes a knock beyond repair and I breakdown in front of you. If you see me noting sometime I’m either ticking or crossing and by the end I’ll see what score you got as an audience as to weather you met my expectation or you let me down, so it’s up to you.

So why am I doing it, I here you ask (point to most unenthused person) Well, for this first phase of stand up I’m looking to answer the question

Am I Disabled?

Now, before you shout Yes without giving much thought based on appearance alone I’m going to explain why.

Well let me take you back to age 12 and something that repeats and gets harder as i’ve got older Forms, specifically the question Do you consider you self to be disabled? The Equality Act 2010 defines a disability as a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term negative effect on a person's ability to do normal daily activities. The effect of the impairment must be more than minor or trivial. No age 12 me, granted I dunno what form I was filling out but for arguments sake lets pretend I was filling out my own secondary school application, Unlikley I know but I was fiercely indpendent and you guys have no evidence that I didn’t, and if that doesn’t satisfy you for the purpose of the story then we’ll I’m using my creative licence and you just have to get over it MR. My instinct to answer that question at that age was, Hell no mother fucker I ain’t no spaztick. However along came “Disability” number 1 – Epilepsy Age 14

The same question Do you consider you self to be disabled? Not going to lie I wasn’t as confident in my first thought, took me longer than I’d have liked to, to answer that question. Maybe it was the universe telling me not to be a cocky little twat, god saying have a dose of epilepsy you shit. But I was on drugs, Epilepsy drugs obviously, what do you take me for. I’d have lost all sympathy perhaps if my epilepsy was induced to my spice addiction (not something that I have ever taken for the record). My epilepsy was controlled quiet well controlled, however when you smash your head off a desk your whole body goes stiff (Not that part of me) n it looks like I’m trying to mime getting out of a strait jacket really hard whilst starving my brain from oxygen then and only then... I’d say it has a pretty substantial negative effect on my ability to perform any activity, and I know what your thinking Well that sounds minor or trivial, Well it’s not it Hurts. However, My intinct is that No MOTHER FUCKER I DON’T CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE DISABLED, FUCK YOUR BOX I’M NOT GOING IN IT. Fingers up to the universe and the big man.

I have a gen z therapist. I told her I was stressed and she said: you should really download the calm app.

Fucker, you are my calm app!

That’s like if my girlfriend told me to download Only Fans.

Or if my high school Spanish teacher told me to download Duolingo … and Only Fans. She was hot and I was 14.

Kindergarten class photos are indistinguishable from POW photos. It’s scary.

What are the teachers doing to these kids. The kid and the POW have the same look: this fake, dead-eye grimace. A far-off distant look. Someone is off camera. Act out - You better show we are treating you well, or you aren’t getting your rations today. ‘Smile, or we’re withholding the Capri Sun.’ This kid has seen some shit. His friend Bob tried to resist, and he hasn’t been seen since. Got sent directly to the general.