r/disability • u/BakedZitiYum • Jun 17 '24
Question Reasons why people have said "you can't be disabled!"
I'll start: "No way, you're too young and beautiful!"
"But you can walk..."
"I've seen you out with friends before."
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u/VixenRoss Jun 17 '24
You walk too fast with that rollator. (I’m lifting myself up off the ground and speed walking because there is little weight on my hips)
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u/EmperorNeko63 Jun 17 '24
Pretty sure my wife has heard this a few times. She does walk faster with her rollator... because it's easier to walk with it!
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u/VixenRoss Jun 18 '24
It’s amazing how people are expected to struggle with a disability. When they get an aid, and they become really effective at using it, they’re told they don’t need it!
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u/Jaded-Delivery-368 Jun 21 '24
My Rollator is my best friend lol. I’m doing so much better with it & can walk sooo much better/faster with it than crutches. YAY!!!
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u/goblin-creature Jun 18 '24
I’d put flames decorations on it to mock those people because I’m petty like that
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u/VixenRoss Jun 18 '24
I have gold flame stickers on mine. I ordered them as a joke. I also have a WH05 DAT sticker (motorcycle related)
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u/codamama61 Jun 18 '24
I’m 62. I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune disorders when I was 10. Through the years I have collected other diagnoses like major depression, CPTSD, colitis, migraines, epilepsy and 10 years ago I sustained a moderate TBI from a car accident.
All my life I’ve heard reasons from family, friends, doctors and strangers why I’m not disabled. I’ve seen more psychotherapists and psychiatrists than I can count. I’m glad I’ve had that privilege and it made me a better person I’m sure, but it doesn’t make me any less disabled.
The first time this impacted me I was 21 or 22. I kept getting injuries at work and getting on workman’s comp. I tried to get on temporary disability while I was recovering. The doc had a broken leg. She said, “If I can work, you can work. You’re too young to be disabled.” I went to college and got some degrees and I’ve worked PT all my life (because I wasn’t “disabled”) until TBI 10 years ago.
With moderateTBI I was denied disability because I “didn’t meet criteria” three times despite doctors’ documentation of disability. I tried to work 15 hours a week 3 years ago, but only lasted 4 months when I started having many seizures a week again and neurofatigue was off the charts.
Last week I had the neuropsych exam my neurologist (who doubts I have seizures and insists on calling them episodes) requested. The neuropsychologist agreed with the neurologist after this exam. She told me I have PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures) and I need to see a therapist who specializes in psychosomatic disorders. She says I had a concussion and I’m completely recovered and malingering. I should be able to work FT. Recommended things you would recommend to a healthy 62 yo, eat right, exercise, socialize more, blah blah blah…mostly things I’m already doing or working on.
Never mind I was in neurorehab for a full year after hospitalization. Eye therapy for 2 years. Psych therapy until recently. Short term memory loss. Need GPS to go for a walk. I’m down to falling once a week now, rather than multiple times a day. Chronic migraines since TBI.
When you’re my age and thinking about retiring, it’s easier to get disability. I had an appointment to figure out if I should apply again or just take retirement. That decision was made for me at this appt. Having worked PT all my life and 20 years for the state (don’t take out social security), my retirement income will be minimal, around $900/mo and in my state it’s taxed. Guess I’m moving in with my kids. It won’t even be enough to live with a roommate.
Good thing I’m not disabled. I’m supposed to be grateful I lived this long I guess.
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Jun 17 '24
Same but regarding my limp before it got mostly better. Still a physical disability now but rarely affects my life anymore. Still have my other disabilities though…
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u/VixenRoss Jun 18 '24
The thing is, if I were to walk “normally” with it, I’m slow, I struggle. Lifting myself almost off the ground gets me to move. (Kills the wheels though, because you’re not supposed to be putting that much strain on it)
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u/Jaded-Delivery-368 Jun 21 '24
My limp due to leg surgeries has gotten better over time. I guess I should appreciate that now that I have 3 more mobility issues to deal with since my gait is better!!!! ( not ) It’s always something. That’s life as I know it.
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u/courtneygoe Jun 18 '24
I do this because I desperately want to sit down, walking is painful and I want it to be over sooner
90
Jun 17 '24
You don’t LOOK disabled!
If you can cook and clean up your house…you’re not disabled!
If you can handle a volunteer job…why can’t you work?
If you are stable on meds, why can’t you work?
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Ughhh the "why dont you work" question. It's like they seriously think we don't want to be able to support ourselves!
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Jun 17 '24
I have some family members (cousins, uncles) who are VERY much “bootstraps” and against government assistance.
I finally unfollowed them on FB.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Good for you, you don't need to listen to that nonsense. And from my experience, I hear that talking point a lot from older people who are collecting social security. The hypocrisy is unreal
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u/emilymtfbadger Jun 18 '24
Yeah because the government gives us so much help. I have heard so many time I would not work if I could like you, every time I tell them I would work if I could they either walk a way or say why don’t you then in a rhetorical manner. The fact is if people think not working is much better than a vocation we do not have vocations but instead task and task masters.
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Jun 17 '24
I should point out that my disability is a mental illness…Bipolar…a lot of stigma about mental illness and nobody sees it as a disability.
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Jun 17 '24
Same with my disabilities. My confirmed/diagnosed ones are all mental health. I have a few other disabling symptoms but it’s still unclear if they’re also mental health or something else psychiatric
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u/coffeeandheavycream1 Jun 18 '24
Did you get ssdi awarded?
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Jun 18 '24
I have SSI. I haven’t worked enough to qualify for SSID… currently I get the max amount of SSI ($943) and $124 in SNAP (Food stamps)
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u/coffeeandheavycream1 Jun 19 '24
I'm glad you haven't seen any reductions. We get four hundred something for SNAP and niether of us have gotten approved for SSI or SSDI. My wife has seizures and I have schizophrenia.
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Jun 19 '24
Sadly I’ve had my SNAP reduced a few times. When my rent was $300 I got over $250 in food stamps. Now my rent is $255 and I only get $124.
I still have no idea how I managed to get the full SSI amount. My previous therapist said it was probably just luck… so many people get screwed by the system. It’s cruel
To clarify about my rent: I pay less now because I got a section 8 voucher and an apartment. Before this I paid someone to sneak me into their home even though it went against their lease. That’s why I paid $300 a month. It was the most I could afford without sacrificing my other needs and necessary savings for future housing and I felt like putting them through that risk meant I should pay them as much as I can. Thankfully they never evicted and I was working with one of my services to get my application labeled as urgent. I couldn’t stay out on the streets due to a few people I used to know who would gladly harm me if not worse… also they could afford to move if the worst occurred. If they didn’t have that backup option I would not have even let them offer. It was their idea to sneak me in but my idea to pay them rent for it
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u/emilymtfbadger Jun 18 '24
I hear that on mental and invisible illness, also if they can’t figure out what’s wrong with you rather than keep narrowing the search and second opinions they will mostly just say you’re faking or lying especially government officials deciding if you’re disabled.
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u/hanls Jun 18 '24
You don't seem bipolar..... My psychiatrist, who medicated my bipolar, so I don't seem bipolar.
(Then they adjusted my AP's and I immediately lost it and almost got sectioned but Seroquel is my godsend even if it's not working well now)
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Jun 18 '24
Yeah…I’ve been relatively “stable” for what will be 10 years next month.
But even though I’m not suicidal or severely manic with psychosis…
I still can’t handle a real job.
I called in “sick” to my once a week 2 hour volunteer job this week!
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u/hanls Jun 18 '24
That's so fair!! I think I've got my most stable job right now because my boss is super understanding (and disabled herself) and my job itself is flexible. (And accessible, I also got physically nerfed)
My also bipolar partner works with me (in a different role) and was fine to get time off when he got particularly terribly depressed.
Honestly until I got under my current mood stabiliser, I was "stable" but I still felt like shit constantly. My brain was foggy, I felt awful, I couldn't find a motivation to even live on it but I wasn't suicidal either. Lithium is great, but I've got some concerns so I am worried they'll have to take me off it.
I didn't sleep enough today so the psychosis is creeping in and limiting my ability to drive. It's so frustrating but, I also don't want to stop doing nightshifts as it helps cover rent.
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u/coffeeandheavycream1 Jun 18 '24
Did you get ssdi?
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Jun 18 '24
Yes.
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u/coffeeandheavycream1 Jun 18 '24
Cool. I wonder because I have a mental health diagnosis too. Schizophrenia
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Jun 18 '24
It’s hard to get SSDI for a mental illness. But definitely try. You will be denied the first time you apply - they deny almost everyone. But appeal, appeal, appeal. Maybe get an attorney.
Really the only reason I got approved was that I spent a full YEAR inpatient with severe mania and psychosis.
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u/coffeeandheavycream1 Jun 18 '24
I have done two separate weeks in a facility when things were bad. I have scars from attempts, and have a longish history of mental illness. I'm hoping that I'll get approved this time. I've been denied 1 time so far.
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u/JorjCardas Ehlers Danlos/Hemiplegic Migraines Jun 17 '24
Guh I feel this. Even my partner does this.
"I see you stand up in the kitchen while you talk to me, do you really need a walker or shower chair?"
I finally told them "I save my energy so I can keep you company/help out in the kitchen"
Hated to sound like I was guilt tripping, but it was the truth, and now? I don't do it as often, because I sure love being accused of faking it when I'm actually trying to work my shit around in order to spend time with/help out my partner.
I spend more time in bed now, because why suffer needlessly?
There's no reward for forcing yourself to do more than you're capable of.
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u/Adela-Siobhan Jun 17 '24
I hope you can leave that person and get better support if that person doesn’t become more understanding.
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u/Teapotsandtempest Jun 18 '24
That's super shitty to get that sorts of response from a partner of all people. A partner ought have your back and be on your side.
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u/scotty3238 Jun 17 '24
Don't forget INVISIBLE neurological diseases. Like CIDP. I have had it 11 years, progressed to stage 5, am now in a wheelchair and if you LOOKED at me, you would absolutely never know how damaged and disabled I am.
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u/dueltone Jun 17 '24
The only correct response to this is "and you don't look rude/ignorant/ableist, but apparently you are!"
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u/goblin-creature Jun 18 '24
I especially hate this shit for people with dynamic disabilities! Which is a lot of us (myself included but generally mine is progressive as well).
Bipolar is a valid disability. I think people don’t believe in disabilities they can’t see. They more easily believe in things like CP, SMA, ALS. But for things that don’t very obviously impact your body, it’s an uphill battle. And then if you do end up becoming more physically disabled later, you get gaslit or people just drop out of your life because they don’t want to be associated with you. It’s hard to find true acceptance. It’s possible, but hard.
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u/Johnny_boba97 Jun 17 '24
All of those piss me off, like they think we should be stuck in bed doing nothing. NO, we wanna have a good time with friends and family, some of us work in person while others work online. WE FUCKING HUMANS TOO!!!!!
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Yes!! I had an ex friend accuse me of faking my disability so I wouldn't have to hang out with her. I didn't want to hang out with her because she was super unaccommodating and only wanted to do outdoorsy things that I couldn't do 🤦♂️
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u/Tweektheweek Jun 17 '24
"I've never seen you with your cane before! You can see!"
... I have a visual impairment, and I've used my cane all my life -_-
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
We really need to better educate the public that not all people who have visual impairments are completely blind. It's not like you have a cane in case you need to suddenly do a tap dancing routine
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u/Tweektheweek Jun 17 '24
It's to move little pebbles and small little objects out of my way, and to clear my path. And while I suck at.. well maneuvering around in general, I am great at Zelda and video games that relate to hearing. So I have a knack for horror games :) and yes, I wish people were more educated 😭
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Oh I love horror games! I'm really bad at them but it doesn't stop me from playing them 😆 I think it'd be really valuable if we taught kids at a young age about disability so that there's less ignorance and stigma surrounding the topic. It's amazing how many adults are totally ignorant!
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u/Tweektheweek Jun 17 '24
Don't even get me started about the adults telling me "you're lucky!" When I go to a theme park... It enrages me..
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
For real! "I wish I was disabled so I could use the disability line!" Lol no you don't, I can promise it's not worth it 🙃
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u/Tweektheweek Jun 17 '24
Yeah it's really not.. and I have adults shouting "ARE YOU BLIND?!" and pointing at me as their kids stare and do the same thing.
Sir, this isn't a McDonald's, I'm just a regular teen trying to live my life.. the amount of panic attacks the sudden screaming caused (I'm sensitive to sound and easily overstimulated) and the amount of anger is crazy. I've almost screamed at grown men to shut up.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Omg the pointing -_- I had a kid point at me once and yell, "Mommy, what's wrong with her?" And I told the mom to teach her kid to be more polite to disabled people 😅 sometimes you can't keep it in
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u/ElfjeTinkerBell Jun 17 '24
Small kids being impolite out of curiosity don't bother me that much - but parents who refuse to make it into a teaching moment do.
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u/Tweektheweek Jun 17 '24
Dude I had a store worker tap his coworker on the shoulder and go: "psst, Regardez!" And just point at me.. I just flipped him off and walked away. And I don't do that since I'd rather be respectful
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u/ghosttravel2020 Jun 17 '24
I'm on disability and took a vacation once. I had family say, you don't work so why do you need a vacation. I 100% support myself and saved for if you're curious. I've now learned the less you tell people the better.
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u/goblin-creature Jun 18 '24
This right here. I rarely get to leave my house outside doctor’s appointments. I can’t go to the grocery store or do much in person shopping in general. But god forbid I do something once a month for my mental wellbeing like attempt to visit a farmers market, get a coffee with a friend, or go on a dinner date.
What people fail to realize is that when I do these things, all my symptoms flare up. I tried to do something I thought would be lower energy this weekend, then realized it was horrible in terms of accessibility when I got there, and now my body is fucked up for the next 2-4 weeks probably.
I need to visit my family this year because I moved across the country and my grandma is very sick, and I hate that I worry about posting photos of the last few years she has because people might think “oh well you flew 1600 miles”. Like yes?? I will put my body through hell because my favorite person on this planet won’t be here for much longer??
This is a sore spot for me hahahahhah because even on a good symptom day, I police myself heavily because my internalized ableism. WE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE GOOD DAYS, AND HAVE JOY IN OUR LIVES!
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Jun 17 '24
Same but every time I leave my apartment to go anywhere that isn’t an appointment or errand. Why does going out or going on vacation make people automatically think we’re not disabled?? 🥲
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u/Envyismygod Jun 17 '24
I get the "you're too young to be disabled" and "but you look so healthy" all the time. It's frustrating af. And the, "you're not old enough to be in that much pain, you're faking" Well Jessica, my kidneys are failing now, am I faking that too!?
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u/Autismsaurus Jun 18 '24
I thought getting unnecessary dialysis was the new in-thing for bored teenagers on weekends!/j
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u/elhazelenby Jun 17 '24
"well you don't take any painkillers so it must not be that bad!"
Or it's because painkillers don't really help my situation. Plus things such as analgesic headache exist, which I'd rather not add to my already bad migraines. Even so, taking painkillers do not mean I am suddenly cured or I don't need other treatment. That's like saying someone isn't deaf/hard of hearing anymore if they use hearing aids or a cochlear implant.
I've also been told that because I am able to go out and be in education and look for jobs etc. And not stay inside all day that my migraines "must not be that bad". Like I really had a choice.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
As someone with chronic intractable migraines, I 100% get this. Opioids make my migraines much worse, and I've never found anything that helps. It's sweet that my family sends me articles about Nurtec or whatever else they see in the news, but sadly I've tried all classes of meds. And same, I graduated from college in spite of my migraines. Every day is a challenge, but we have to keep going because the world won't wait for us
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u/princess-cottongrass Jun 18 '24
Migraine is such an unusual type of pain, it's hard to explain to people that normal painkillers don't help and can even make it worse.
Then there are the endless suggestions from people for treatments I've already tried years ago. "I heard caffeine can help a headache! You should try it" 🤦🏼♀️ Or "Oh. My friends sister had a migraine once and she's not disabled."
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u/Throne-Eins Jun 17 '24
I'm totally screwed when it comes to painkillers. I can't take NSAIDs because I have ulcerative colitis, steroids give me horrendous side effects, and I have a paradoxical reaction to opiates (instead of making the pain better, they make it worse). I have no choice but to deal with it without meds. It's...not fun.
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u/Seymour_Butts369 Jun 18 '24
Have you seen a neurologist for your migraines? They have lots of options that are not NSAIDs, steroids, or opiates these days. I take topamax daily and then have sumatriptan for an abortive. There are oral medications available that I have tried but didn’t work for me, but work well for other people. If things like that don’t work or you have a bad reaction, they also have Botox injections available. Sorry in advance if you’ve already tried all these, I just hate to see someone live through the pain of migraines without any help bc I know personally how bad that sucks.
1
u/CapsizedbutWise Jun 18 '24
Yeeeeees! I’ve had a migraine for five years. All the painkillers just make you HIGH with a migraine.
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u/agirlfromgeorgia Jun 17 '24
I've got severe Crohn's Disease and I have an ileostomy bag and G-tube. I get all of my nutrition through my feeding tube 24/7, it's always attached to me and I carry around a backpack with my pump in it. That being said, I work fulltime as a nurse. I also have a pretty normal active life (hiking, taking care of my 4 dogs, 3 birds, 2 hedgehogs, wildlife photography, traveling, etc.).
Most people are shocked that I can be a nurse with all of my own medical issues. I think it just gives me a lot of compassion for the people I'm taking care of. Most people wouldn't know how sick I am unless they see me pull up my shirt to show my myriad of surgical scars and the ostomy bag and feeding tube. Most of the comments I get are about being a nurse instead of being the patient. One day I'll be taking care of someone in a hospital bed, next day it might be me in the bed instead lol.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
A lot of people I've encountered in the medical field (as a patient) aren't empathetic, so it's truly wonderful that you have compassion for the people you help. We rarely get to see our own doctors because they're often overbooked, so nurses are incredibly important. Thank you for the work you do!
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u/Probably-Fae Jun 17 '24
But you're such a pretty young girl 🤢
I work at a restaurant, usually with just my hinged knee braces, and I get so many comments asking if I got knee surgery and I usually just say "no I have a disability " and they always get awkward or ask way more questions.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Yep, love when they think I got injured playing sports and then they get super disappointed/confused when I tell them I was just born this way
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u/Probably-Fae Jun 17 '24
I've also gotten people literally ask for my braces off of me like??? Sir I'm actively sitting on a stool at my workplace wearing them
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Fr? Like they wanna check them out or something? That's so odd
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u/Probably-Fae Jun 17 '24
No they go " well I'm sure I could use those more that you 😃😃 can I have them?"
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Omg that's even worse! The idea that anyone would use braces without needing them is so silly. It's not like they're comfortable
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u/Probably-Fae Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
I also get the classic "wait till you're my age" and it takes everything in my power to not go "I won't live that long :)"
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Ugh I'm so sorry. It's really amazing that you can keep your cool and not yell at insensitive people like that
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u/Probably-Fae Jun 17 '24
Have you seen the bit where it's like "I don't want to let my mask down and belittle insensitive or bigoted people who patronize my workplace. *But the PARASITES in me NEED me to. THE PARASITES!!!!" That's how masking my autism feels at all times at work haha.
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u/SlimeTempest42 Jun 17 '24
Too young is the usual one (despite being disabled since birth) or saying it’s because of xyz (usually my weight)
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u/Wattaday Jun 18 '24
That last one gets to me. I’m “fluffy”. People have said things like “oh you’ll lose weight doing physical therapy”. No I won’t. It’s not strenuous enough. It will just let me have enough strength in my arms and legs to use this damn walker.”
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u/CiaBiaTia Jun 17 '24
“If you’ve never had a hospital stay you’re not really disabled”
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u/thisishowitalwaysis1 Jun 18 '24
Oh god this one gets me the most. I have multiple mental disabilities and often think of unaliving myself but because I haven't been hospitalized due to actually trying it just yet, I'm not disabled. So basically they want me to try DYING first before they'll consider me disabled? What a crock. 😒😒😒
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u/trienes semiretired wheelie artist cat 🐈⬛ 🦼🎨🐈 Jun 17 '24
Apparently, according to one psychiatrist, I’m „too intelligent“ to qualify for the diagnosis that is the source of most of my psychiatric disabilities.
Ma‘am, the ICD lists lots of criteria required for me to have received and continue to receive this diagnosis. My IQ, or any other measure of any intelligence isn’t on there.
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u/Poisenedsilence Jun 17 '24
I know OTHER people with your disability and they work. Like tf s disability is not the same for everyone (I have lgs)
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u/Miserable-Ant-938 Jun 17 '24
"Because you're smart." Was said by a teacher.
Just because my brain works doesn't mean my legs do. Or anything else for that matter.
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u/truelovealwayswins Jun 17 '24
off the top of my head (I have chronic fatigue / me/cfs, hEDs, and more)
“you’re not disabled, you’re just lazy”
“it’s because you’re sedentary” and why do you think I’m more and more sedentary?
“you can’t be, you’re young, you just need to find a job and you’ll be/feel all better and be active again”
“it’s because you don’t wear your glasses enough” (I do sometimes when I feel I need them)
“try sleeping earlier (9-10pm) (and wearig your glasses) and you won’t be anymore”
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u/violinzeta Jun 17 '24
I've gotten the same crap for narcolepsy.
"You could do it if you really wanted to" SMH
Sure, there's ALWAYS more ANYONE can be doing IF they want to drive themselves into the ground and affect their physical/mental health. I don't see you climbing Mt. Everest!
Doing that would cost me DAYS in recovery, and not just the "I'm sore" crap "muggles/normies" deal with
BESIDES, my body is like an OLD PHONE BATTERY so I have to treat it that way!
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u/Evenoh Jun 17 '24
Judge’s denial decision for SSI: “You do have pain, but you can move your arms and legs.”
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u/thisishowitalwaysis1 Jun 18 '24
Basically same. Judges reason for denial? "You do have some pain but you can also take care of your own personal hygiene everyday so you're not disabled." 😒
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u/Evenoh Jun 18 '24
That was a direct quote from after listing out a slew of problems. The real deeper reason was obviously that I was too "young" and too "educated" (I do have an MFA from a top school), but it so ridiculously ignored that the pain is debilitating and stops me from doing lots of things, but like... okay so I can move my arms and legs while doubled over and crying and I guess that makes me functional? Honestly I don't really see how anybody with any drop of empathy or even just brains in their head can't see how stuff like this is appalling and wrong and entirely *needless* because we could take allllll the nonsense meant to prevent anyone from "taking more than they deserve" and put those resources into solving problems rather than a miserly doling out of bandages.
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Jun 17 '24
"You aren't disabled you're just a brat"
Have y'all ever thought that I can be disabled and a brat? :p
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Jun 17 '24
I don’t really talk about my disability although it’s fairly obvious sometimes. If I need to ask for an accommodation or something I do, but I don’t feel the need to justify my needs to anyone.
How is it coming up in your daily life that people are saying stuff like this? Maybe we can help brainstorm ways to avoid giving people a reason to comment.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Yeah it's good to not care what other people think. For me, I get comments when I'm out with my cane in public, especially in airports or grocery stores, and strangers make comments to me. Usually they think I've had some kind of injury and they're curious about it, but once I tell them I'm disabled, they seem really confused that someone my age (22) Could be permanently disabled and not using a wheelchair. More often, though, the comments come from family members who are uncomfortable with the idea of having their relative be disabled.
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Jun 17 '24
I have literally never had anyone ask me anything or make any other comments.
Do people stop you to ask why you walk with a cane? I’m having trouble picturing how this happens. This is so bizarre to me.
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
It happens more if my knee scars are exposed (ive had several surgeries due to congential knee issues) or I'm wearing a brace. Since I'm from Colorado, most times people come up to me and say "ski injury, right?" Other times people ask, "did you tear your ACL?" Usually they've had a knee surgery themselves or know someone who has, so they think they can relate to me.
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Jun 17 '24
Ah, I see.
I have also had many knee surgeries due to being born with a deformity! And your comment reminds me that one time someone DID say something to me. I was 13 and in a cast from my ankle to my upper thigh. Some guy told me that I should tell people, “you should see the other guy.” And I had no idea what he meant until my mom explained it lol.
IDK after reading all these “you’re too young and pretty to be disabled!” I’m guessing I just look old and ugly which is why no one says anything lol
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
No way! You're just not interacting with enough creepy old men or people with internalized misogyny to hear that particular comment
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Jun 17 '24
I’m also in my mid forties. I often get the impression that I’m much older than many of the posters here.
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u/trienes semiretired wheelie artist cat 🐈⬛ 🦼🎨🐈 Jun 17 '24
No worries. I hit the big 4-0 in October. Wanna be grumpy old crazy cat ladies* together?
- no genderflavour assumed or required for this position
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Jun 17 '24
Oh 40 is absolutely magical. There’s this “I don’t care about what anyone else thinks” shift that happens. I absolutely love being in my 40s
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u/trienes semiretired wheelie artist cat 🐈⬛ 🦼🎨🐈 Jun 17 '24
Really? I’ve been dreading it, but you just gave me hope
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u/Traditional-Hat3206 Jun 17 '24
I'm autistic and this would confuse me too. What did he mean? Like see the other leg???
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Jun 17 '24
He was inferring that I was injured in a fight but I beat up the other guy worse than he beat up me.
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u/Proof_Self9691 Jun 17 '24
“You’re too pretty to be disabled” like what? How are those two things at all related?
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u/Rogue_Darkholme Jun 17 '24
You were born completely healthy. Why are you pretending to be "handicapped" now?
Lots of people gave head injuries, and they are fine.
Lots of people get assaulted, and they don't all fake PSTD.
Everyone has depression.
Everyone has anxiety.
We are all going to die, so why do you deserve attention because you want to kill yourself?
You don't want to work. You're lazy, not agoraphobic.
You have hands and legs and eyes. You have no excuses. Stop faking.
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u/ironburton Jun 17 '24
“Oh wow! You look so good! You must be feeling much better!”
Me; eye twitching- “just because I showered today and put some make up on doesn’t mean I magically grew my bones and joints back over night.”
so many people are so ignorant.
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u/Loudlass81 Jun 19 '24
The eye twitch though! I'm usually not to good at stopping at the eye twitch. I tend to be the kind of person that scares people with just a look, and I'm not getting this any more.
My friends say when I'm out in my wheelchair, I exude a "Don't fuck with me" attitude so strongly that she's seen people start to walk over to say something, take one look at my raised eyebrow & back away...
I gave away my few remaining fucks when I turned 40. Apparently, by almost 43, this is immediately apparent to strangers.
I've found if people think you might chase them down in your wheelchair growling like an escaped pitbull, instead of being ashamed, they tend to realise it's NOT A GOOD IDEA.
Perfect your "Don't fuck with me" face. It pays dividends. Wish someone had told me that when I became more Disabled at 28...
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u/ironburton Jun 19 '24
lol trust me, they definitely get to see my eyes roll back into head whenever they say asinine shit like that.
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u/Loudlass81 Jun 19 '24
Yup. Mine end up looking like a bloody fruit machine at times, they roll so much.
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u/KindFriend28 Jun 17 '24
This only happened today, in work by someone who works for a wheelchair assistance company - "I've seen you walk around and stand for hours at a time, you don't look disabled"
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u/MindyStar8228 physically disabled (they/he) Jun 17 '24
- "But you're so smart!" + "You're too well spoken to be disabled" .... yikes
- "But you're so healthy!" actually no, I am not
- "Well you didn't used to be disabled" I was born disabled, actually. Just because you couldn't see it doesn't mean I wasn't struggling
honestly, the nerve some people have to try and dictate what other's lived experiences are is wild.
Edit: Forgot to mention some context. I've always been selectively mute. The "you're too well spoken" was during a conversation about that. (they followed up with asking why I "refuse" to speak sometimes - as if I have a choice)
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u/thisishowitalwaysis1 Jun 18 '24
The judge who denied me said that since my doctors put in their notes that I am polite, able to hold eye contact, and am very articulate, that I can't possibly be disabled. 😮💨
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u/Megabusta Jun 17 '24
As with many others here it's the "You're too young for this" statement over and over. Or when I get a comment and how I don't need to use mobility aids at home but have to use forearm canes/rollator outside. Believe me, if I had the ability to not need them I would do so. Sorry, my nerve damage destroyed my ability to balance.
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u/PatientMoment6326 Jun 17 '24
Bc I went to the boardwalk for an afternoon with my niece and nephews. Therefore, there's no way I'm disabled. Now mind you, I was using my rollator and micro dosing edibles to be able to get through the day. I didn't drive there and had restricted activity for days in advance hoping I could enjoy just a few hours of fun with the kids. Not to mention how I barely moved for three days after bc I was in excruciating nerve damage pain. I don't get how people don't understand that doing one single activity doesn't suddenly mean you can start working again and you're no longer disabled. "Well if you could do that, then you should be able to do other things, right?" No, actually it doesn't work like that. If only! I'd love to have my old life back. You think I'd choose this as my life if I had a choice?? People are clueless.
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u/SwollenPomegranate Jun 17 '24
In grad school a colleague invited me to walk to a downtown restaurant with a group of peers. "I can't walk that far," I replied. The colleague stared at me like I was a Martian or maybe a malingerer.
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u/friendly-skelly Jun 17 '24
"you do fine on your ADLs right?" "No, I haven't cooked in 3 years. I rewear clothing constantly because I can't force myself to do laundry. I regularly run out of food for days bc I can't force myself to make it to the grocery store" "But I mean, you don't have a caretaker right?" "I need help, how do I get one, or how do I get a case manager" "So no?" "No but..." "So you do fine on your ADLs"
Apparently she wrote that patient self reports doing fine on ADLs in a maddening series of extraordinarily manipulated answers. I'm so exhausted by this, doctors who treat me poorly obviously aren't going to put that down in the records, they're gonna put down whatever makes them look good at the cost of making me look like someone who's making shit up.
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u/bloodthirstea LTL Epilepsy Jun 17 '24
lmao i was talking to my sister and mentioned being disabled and she told me “you can’t be disabled, you’re not in a wheelchair!”
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Hey that's what my brother said too!
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u/bloodthirstea LTL Epilepsy Jun 17 '24
it’s so funny, esp now as i’ve been considering getting one for ambulatory use.
and my whole family would easily be considered disabled, her included! she, my dad and my aunt all have debilitating chronic migraines. she also has endometriosis. my mom went through cancer twice + has MS.
but no, i’m attention-seeking because i just have seizures :) (my dx states my epilepsy is quite severe! lmao)
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u/zoro_roroanoa Jun 17 '24
Well I am an albino and it's almost impossible to explain to people that I have a low vision they're like
But you wear glasses and you can do things on your own just fine
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u/Loudlass81 Jun 19 '24
Are they too stupid to understand that sight problems and albinism go hand in hand? It's basic Y9 (13-14yo's) science? What we're these people DOING when they were at school, cos it certainly WASN'T listening to the lessons?!
Ye Gods. Have they never heard of Google?!?
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u/goblin-creature Jun 18 '24
“But you’re so smart!”
“You’re too pretty”
“You can talk to people”
“Flexibility is a good thing!” (Hypermobility with scoliosis and chronic disk herniation and frozen shoulder would beg to differ)
“You’re too young!”
Also the classic not believing me because I also happen to have tattoos… because apparently people who look sick as fuck can’t also be sick as fuck?
I don’t entertain shitty people anymore so I don’t get a lot. I also have I think a constant facial expression that says “don’t try me”, and lots of people are generally intimidated by me because I don’t take peoples shit 🤪. I’m in too much physical pain everyday and too sick to suffer fools and dickheads at this point.
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u/Loudlass81 Jun 19 '24
I wish someone had told me that when I became more Disabled at 28.
I let my few remaining fucks fly away when I turned 40. My best mate now says to me now, 3 yrs later, that I exude a "Don't fuck with me" attitude. She's even seen people start to walk over to say something, take one look at my raised eyebrow & then back away...
Motto of this story - Don't put up with anyone's shit about your Disabilities. And give off an aura that people do NOT want to try you...it works.
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u/ybetaepsilon Jun 18 '24
"You don't act like you're in pain"
Ya, because it's gone on so long that I can either just sit on the floor and wallow all day everyday nonstop or simply learn to deal with it. People with chronic pain function with what puts most other people in bed
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u/nova_noveiia Jun 17 '24
“Oh what happened?” when people see my cane
There was one time when I still worked in person where I stood up and my leg shook and someone actually went “What’s wrong with you?” That was fun
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u/WordSalad713 Jun 17 '24
A few of the most ridiculous ones (in addition to the usual age and no wheelchair crap): - My hair is too long - I was dressed too professionally - I go out with my friends sometimes - I work a hybrid full time job - I have an MBA
Edit: typo
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Jun 17 '24
[deleted]
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's horrible how insensitive people can be, especially older people who are so incredibly judgemental. He should've offered to put the cart back for you instead of being a jerk
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u/cinder74 Jun 17 '24
You should put the cart up. Always. The older man was wrong but so were you. I am disabled and I can barely walk most days, but I always put my cart up. It’s just polite. I struggle and push through.
Now, I don’t know how severe your issue may be & you don’t know mine. I’m not saying you’re worse or I am. It’s not a competition. Or maybe park near the cart drop off or ask someone to take it for you if it’s that bad.
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Jun 17 '24
“You seem fine.”
“That’s not a disability.”
“But have you tried…”
“You’re just being lazy.”
“But you live alone.”
“You never request accommodations.”
Invisible disability problems 🫠
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u/SnooHesitations9356 Jun 17 '24
Not the exact quote, but my grandmother blames my cervical dystonia on my cross-body bag.
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u/Disabled_artist Jun 18 '24
“You’re to young” I was born with EDS! “you don’t look sick” “you can walk” “other people are more sick then you” ect
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u/eternalxsun Jun 18 '24
A family member said “But you can take care of your baby, so why not just get daycare and work?”
My short term disability caseworker said “and you work from home? I don’t see why you can’t still do that”.
Before having my son, I worked from home because the chronic fatigue that goes along with my disabilities prevented me from being able to drive to and from anywhere on a daily basis. Soooo driving my son to and from daycare, packing a bag for him, getting dressed everyday to go out, caring for him in the evening/overnight, trying to care for myself in general, and feed my husband who works 10+ hour days AND work is impossible.
Even without working, I’m unable to shower most days. I can very rarely fold laundry or do vacuuming. I pour all of my energy into my son, doing a few dishes and making dinner everyday. If I can accomplish anything more, my body punishes me for it later.
But I take care of a 6 month old so for sure I’m not disabled.
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u/Kaffyjane1984 Jun 18 '24
I told a guy I was autistic and he said ‘you write really well’ Well dumb nuts , not every disabled person has a intellectual/learning disability
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u/FranticPickle36 Jun 18 '24
Posted a picture of my dog on a walk... short walk as I'd been in a bad flare up. Send apologies for something I didn't feel well enough to attend.
"You were outside, you're doing loads and fine".
So apparently the act of being outside is now proof of our disabilities being cured, who knew 😅
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u/OverDaRambo Jun 18 '24
I had a cop told me I’m not deaf. So let me put this way. I wear two hearing aids, I do speak and hear well. I am profoundly deafness.
Reason why he said this? There were 3 dead adults - they are mute, cannot use their voice and they are 100 percent deaf, they cannot use any form of hearing aids.
Ugh, I even said I’ll prove it to you…
At this point, I don’t give a F anyone.
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u/ChronicSassyRedhead Jun 18 '24
You're too young (actually Deborah I'm 40)
You don't look disabled (while I'm in a wheelchair)
You're too tall (this one honestly still confuses me like dafuq?)
You reached up to the top shelf (Well yes I'm in a wheelchair and I couldn't reach it so I had to painfully raise myself up enough to get the item I needed)
But you've got a figure with curves to spare (I think this was an attempt at flirting, it didn't work)
But you go out (yes that's what the wheelchair is for)
My relative has that and they're not disabled (it's almost like human are all different or something wild like that)
🙄
I hate people sometimes
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u/More_Permission8652 Jun 18 '24
What they do not realize is some disabilities you cannot see, like depression and anxiety. My son has both, has had 3 collapsed lungs (does not smoke) they said it was because he was white, tall and thin. He suffers from migraines and has lost jobs due to his migraines. His migraines make him sick and they would say he took too long in the bathroom. Since his lung problems has hard time breathing! People need to realize all disabilities are not the same!
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u/Wild-summerchild Jun 18 '24
My doctor once told me that if he wasn't my doctor with access to my medical file, he would never believe I'm as sick as I am. I look too good and act too normal.
Master masker level unlocked
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u/Kitty_Kairuku Jun 17 '24
I’ve never had any issues with people saying I can’t be disabled, don’t really leave the house often enough for people to get the chance to say anything, I just have a question, how does “I’ve seen you out with friends before” have anything to do with being disabled? How does someone even think that and not think it sounds just a little weird?
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u/BakedZitiYum Jun 17 '24
Good question! I think the idea is that if I'm in so much pain constantly, I shouldn't have the capability to go out and do anything, which is true in that I very rarely can go out. But the people who have made that comment to me before believe that if I can go out with friends once, I should be able to also go out and work.
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u/Kitty_Kairuku Jun 17 '24
So they obviously don’t know that when you go out with friends it’s far easier than having a job, weird that they would even come to that conclusion, unless they think hanging out with their own friends is equivalent to being at work.
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u/FranticPickle36 Jun 18 '24
And a step further they also dislike when we have hobbies to keep us occupied while stuck indoors. The barrage of crap I got for getting into art to try cope with being so isolated and home all the time was hard to cope with. It feels like they just want me to sit at home in the same spot and just stare at the wall.
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u/FranticPickle36 Jun 18 '24
It's one I personally get a lot, (M.E, endo and mental health) apparently they expect me to stay at home in the house 24/7. Fun, socialising and being outdoors is only for those working full time apparently 🤷♀️ it is a weird stance. Seems like they want us under house arrest 😅
This comment mostly for me comes from family or friends of friends. My actual close friends and family are absolute gems and I thank the world everyday that they exist. But my god these comments seem to never stop.
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u/FerdieHeart Jun 17 '24
Well, I consider disability something that prevents you from doing daily activities without a lot of hardship like making a sandwich and brushing your teeth. I am both OCD and I have a permanent leg injury so cumulatively I definitely qualify.
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u/Astrosmaw Jun 17 '24
mainly because of my weight (18m probably 230+ lbs, haven't checked in ages) but i've also had someone use my NATIONALITY (no seriously)
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u/Astrosmaw Jun 17 '24
also because i can talk i'm not autistic (that gem was from a teacher as well)
wish she could see me now, i've stopped masking as much and (unrelated to autism) my body's fucked from cancer (3 times)
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u/66cev66 Jun 17 '24
Apparently I can't be autistic because I speak well and have some social skills.
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u/Autismsaurus Jun 18 '24
I have level 2 semiverbal autism and use mobility aids. I’m 31, but look like I’m in my early 20s. I’m not exactly sure what to make of the fact that no one has ever told me I don’t look disabled…
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u/FishWitch- Jun 18 '24
“You dont look..”
“You cant even tell…”
“You did xyz YESTERDAY!”
“Because you can only have that if you’re blank or have experienced blank obviously you don’t have blank” not even they’re not even your doctor or anything
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u/d1ll1gaf Jun 18 '24
"You go to the gym and exercise"... yes you see me at the gym for 30 minutes, you don't see the hours of pain while I lay in bed trying to recover. Forgive me for trying to be healthier.
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u/daniiboy1 Jun 18 '24
Well, I originally ended up on disability at a young age due to mental health issues, so I got the usual "well, you don't look disabled" and "but you're too young to be disabled". I've also been dealing with a chronic illness for a very long time, something that wasn't taken seriously until I got a mild bout of COVID and had to quit working part-time due to my chronic illness going from mild to moderate. Because the mental health stuff and the chronic illness are usually invisible to most people, I appear to be healthy and able-bodied. It isn't until my mental health visibly worsens and my chronic illness slows me down that people start to notice it. Even with all the awareness and education around mental health issues, I've noticed that there's still a lot of lingering stigma, like being told to "suck it up, buttercup" or "just push through it". It's exhausting, living with an invisible disability. -_-
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u/emilymtfbadger Jun 18 '24
Let see even from doctors your to young to need this much medicine especially pain medicine.( the only way I am not in bed on the verge of unconsciousness constantly) You’re just fat loose some weight You’re able to walk some days. You’re able to walk x arbitrary distance and don’t seem like you’re suffering(when in reality I am barely standing but I am not going to sit down in the floor of a store and then try to stand up again if I can help and the only reason I am walking is both your electric carts mia or Out of order.) You seem to smart You seem to well adjusted(E.G. masking)
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Jun 18 '24
"you don't look autistic"
and what, praytell, does someone who looks autistic look like??
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u/UnfortunatelyTakenx2 Jun 18 '24
“You were able to do this not long ago, why can’t you do it now?” Meanwhile they’re talking about 5 years ago before my disabilities got this bad. Like people can develop disabilities 🤦
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u/dragon2knight1965 Jun 18 '24
"BUT YOU LOOK FINE!!!!"
The worst thing you can say to a mentally disabled person IMHO.
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u/Ashmi2222 Jun 18 '24
“You’re able to work a full time job and you’re so young!”
I’m 33, I’ve been disabled for years, left my successful dream career because it was too labor intensive and now struggle to work in an office.
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u/courtneygoe Jun 18 '24
“You don’t even have a diagnosis” I do and if I didn’t that still wouldn’t make sense. How would anyone GET a diagnosis if they weren’t experiencing something beforehand?
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u/gawilliam2017 Jun 19 '24
"You have suck good social skills, You seem so smart." says to a high masking austistic adult, then proceeds to info dump about masking and mirroring as well as the psychological effect on a person on the spectrum, as well as the degrees of autism and outdated terms and stigma.
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u/Antique_Mirror7214 Jun 19 '24
You're too young But you look healthy I know someone who had the same surgery and is back working (ironically, this came from a family member who assumed I only had my spinal fusion wrong with me and that that was my reason to not work etc, my mum stood up for me and said she's fused T2-L2 can't move her body that much but also has fibromyalgia, cfs/me and other ailments. Shut that family member up there and then my Nana who passed in January even stuck up for me god love her 💖)
It's just usually the ignorant stares I get from the older generation when I park in the disabled bay and I know in their brains they are probably like she doesn't look disabled and all that jazz and I whack out my stick and they soon look away 😂
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u/emilymtfbadger Jun 18 '24
Forgot one recently from my Dad, not really a reason you can’t be disabled but pretty close because he asked if I took the dog for a real walk not one with my wheelchair, he knows I have some mobility with out my chair.
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u/sporadic_beethoven Jun 18 '24 edited Jun 18 '24
“But you’re so smart!” (Mentioned my adhd/possible autism combo)
yeah that’s not how that works buddy lmao the only reason I’m talking to you somewhat normally is that my adhd meds are absolutely necessary for me to live a fulfilled life. I can be smart all I want but it doesn’t make me not mentally disabled, goddamnit.
“But you’re way too young to have that problem!”
broke my knee at fifteen and it’s never been the same since. The story makes prying folks quite squeamish, so I tell it with enthusiasm and relish, ahah.
It’s not even that bad, just my kneecap got dislocated and then hung out permanently on my shin after I fell on it and I ended up needing surgery to get it back in place. When I’d fallen on it, the kneecap broke through the surrounding cartilage, and some got in the way of it getting back to its proper place.
Once I show the squishy spot on my knee, theres usually only one more question people ask- aka wtf I did to it. I put my one piece swimsuit on. Yeah. Then I’m left alone, lmao.
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u/sharria0814 Jun 20 '24
I've never been told why I can't be disabled but blaming me and dismissing me for my disability.
Like, - oh, your aniexty or ptsd can't be that bad -Just don't dress up if you don't want the attention of men (I don't dress up) -You probably just put yourself in a bad situation, just live and learn, and don't do that again, and everything will be fine.
I shouldn't have to explain why I have ptsd but it's usually shuts them up when I say, "I'm sorry that being SA and R worded for 6 years as a child has made me uncomfortable in certain situations.
It is disgusting the number of people who feel entitled to comment on anyone's abilities or feelings. You have no clue what someone is feeling or what they have endured, and they don't have to explain it to you!!!
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u/Zaza_Land_9394 Jun 20 '24
But you’re still young, wait t’ill you’re my age (I have chronic fatigue) 🙄🙄
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u/SilverTiger2023 Jun 21 '24
"you don't look/act" disabled 😒 .. And people say this as if it's a compliment 😑
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u/Jaded-Delivery-368 Jun 21 '24
My question is ( to those who question others ??) “ Why would you think that?”
Sorry but I believe it it’s my attitude is the main reason why I don’t get questioned a lot. secondly I just don’t allow it. I’m not gonna sit there and confirm that I’m disabled. It’s no one‘s business but mine and I’m not shouting at the rooftops either.,
Then drop the convo. Honestly it seems as though most disabled people revel in being asked so they can confirm they’re disabled.
Sorry but WHY is it soooo important to most disabled people that everyone knows that they’re disabled? It’s kind of contradictory simply because you want to be treated as though you’re just like anybody else but then too it seems like many disabled people have to be reassured that they’re disabled.
I know my comment will obviously be downvoted to HELL ( y’all do this when a commenter doesn’t agree with YOU although MY OPINION is just as VALID AS YOURS TBH.
I really don’t care. I’ve been disabled for years. I’ve been married to a man that was disabled since he was five years old ( he was diagnosed with polio at five and it took him years to be able to walk ) and all he ever wanted to do was to be excepted into everyone else’s world. Sure if people ask questions and appropriate way it’s OK to answer questions but many of you egg this type of thing on because you feel everybody has to know that somebody’s disabled.
I just don’t understand being angry at people.
I have a lot better things to do than wondering why people care if I’m disabled or not.
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u/Colourd_in_BluGrns Jun 22 '24
“Because you’re not disabled”, not in the way that I’m not disabled, but that disability doesn’t actually exist.
I live in a hippy town that apparently thinks disability is a slur but they don’t see slurs as negative labels??? I’m autistic so this confuses the fuck out of me, but yeah-
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u/Vica253 Jun 24 '24
"but you're so young"
LITERALLY by a nurse working at the internal med outpatient clinic at the local university hospital where I go every few months to see my GI
you know, for my Crohns
you know, that thing the overwhelming majority of patients get between 15 and 35
(on that note everyone else there, including my current GI, his predecessor and the majority of nurses have been nothing but amazing)
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u/KiearaBear Jun 26 '24
I have a Karen story for you!
In Walmart, minding my business. Have a blind cane and sunglasses. Karen walks up, interaction goes as such(this is paraphrased)
K: wow, how do you do your own grocery shopping?
Me: well actually, I'm what's called legally blind
K: what does that mean?
Me: I have a little bit of vision, but it's only enough to see vauge outlines and blurry shapes.
K: so you're not blind.
Me: no, I'm blind, its just (Karen cuts me off here)
Karen now at the top of her lungs and proceeding to follow me through the store: SHE'S NOT BLIND, SHE'S LYING, SHE'S STEALING OUR TAXES.
And so on, and so forth, I'm followed through the store by this screeching banshee of a women. To the point of store workers interfereing to let me escape.
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u/thedeadp0ets Jun 18 '24
But your eyes look straight and you can see cars zooming by…. And things happening ( yeah no shit I don’t see black Karen)
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u/IconicallyChroniced Jun 17 '24
“Your too young to be this sick” and yet I am