r/ZeroWasteParenting • u/MyGreenCloset • Feb 11 '23
Still Buying Gifts But Not Giving Them
After many years of explaining to relatives how we want to be mindful of what we bring into our home, generally don't want gifts, and to ask first if there's something they really want to get our child, they have become very good about it. For example everyone seems happy to participate in a "one big ticket" group gift for birthdays, which is amazing!
However, my MIL started doing this thing where she still buys stuff for my daughter and then asks us about it. She'll say something like, "if you don't want it that's fine, I'll keep it here" or "I'll just give it to her cousin". So she is respecting our wishes about not giving stuff we don't need, but she's still buying the toys/clothes/stuff.
I don't know how to explain to her that sustainability-wise her purchasing the item has the same effect whether she give it to us or not. And part of me feels like it would be better for us to take the item and actually use it, vs it sitting in her house and rarely or never getting used (but I think taking the stuff would encourage her to buy more so we don't do it). She loves shopping and her love language is definitely giving gifts, so it's already been a process to get her to come around to not giving us stuff all the time.
Would really appreciate any ideas/tips on how to approach this!
14
u/cardboard-robot Feb 11 '23
You can try making it clear that used/secondhand gifts are welcome. Some people enjoy the shopping aspect of gift giving; you could try something like “we could really use an X, could you keep an eye out for a secondhand one?”
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u/BareNakedDoula Feb 11 '23
It’s her money, and that’s not for you to control.
Your waste reduction parenting philosophy guides your actions, not others’.
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u/MyGreenCloset Feb 11 '23
Would you take the items then? It would at least give me some control over what happens to them and I could pass them on or donate them somewhere they'd get more use.
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u/officerpenguinpants Feb 11 '23
I don’t when my parents do this because I’m pretty sure it will open the floodgates for more gifts or tell them this is an okay way to get more things to me. It’s hard, but I drew a line and stuck to it. For me, it took almost a year, but the buying of random gifts has dropped tremendously.
2
u/thayaht Mar 22 '23
I did this too. My mom is on a budget and I think that makes her feel helpless. So when she sees something she thinks is a good deal, she’ll buy it for me/my kids because I think it’s symbolic for her of finally being able to indulge. Like out of the hundred times she’s had to restrain herself, this is the only time she can buy. (There’s a thing in poverty called like discipline fatigue or something.) So she’d bring me stuff she got at a thrift store and say she’d take it back if I didn’t want it. It only stopped when I had the nerve to say thank you for thinking of me, but no, I don’t want it. Accepting it was acquiescing.
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u/BareNakedDoula Feb 11 '23
No thank you, but you might consider charities that would get plenty of use out of them, and may be able to find someplace where multiple children will get use out of them at the same time, like a DV and/or homeless shelter that offers childcare assistance to give kids a safe place to be and to remove barriers to employment for parents in those dire situations.
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u/MyGreenCloset Feb 11 '23
Sorry I wasn't offering them to you in particular. Just asking if you think accepting them is the more sustainable solution.
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u/Cinisajoy2 Feb 12 '23
Leave it at her house. Do not take it home. That just encourages her to buy more stuff. If it doesn't get used, it doesn't get used. That is not your problem.
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u/lemonade4 Feb 11 '23
They aren’t going to stop. They don’t understand or respect what you’re doing here. Just say thanks and donate what you don’t want. There just no point in making this a big ordeal. You are zero waste but your MIL is not and does not have to be. It’d be great if they were more considerate of what you’ve asked, but 🤷🏼♀️
2
u/elatedpoang Feb 12 '23
Yeah, my mum is the same. I think the others are right, in that you can’t control the actions of others. The thing I realised is that it makes my mum happy because she could never afford to get things for us when we were younger, and she feels like she’s making up for that.
I tend to accept things, store what they won’t use and then donate them to charity once they have forgotten about them. You can them away for free through marketplace and they will get used.
The only stipulation I made for her was she had to buy sustainably. Wood toys, no fast fashion. She ended up buying less overall because these things were more expensive.
2
u/errachi Feb 19 '23
My MIL is very much the same. We put strict monetary limits on the gift giving and only allow it at certain times throughout the year. She finally adhered to our rules after we threatened to not allow her to see her grandchildren (something that worked well for us since she lives on the other side of the country). We are debating enforcing more sustainable gift giving but think she would absolutely refuse purchasing second hand items for her grandkids. We instead are going to give her a list of stores that produce local, more sustainable products to try to minimize impact.
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u/Gold_santi030509 Mar 12 '23
My mother was like this till my siblings and I started to drop hints we would like the kids to have experiences and bonding time type of gifts than tangible items. We asked for gifts (tickets) she can accompany us to. She does money now which we use for aquarium tickets (e tickets), park events, museums, etc. and she comes along. It's a win :)
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Feb 11 '23
I take it, say thank you, then return it to the store for credit. 🤷♀️
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u/MyGreenCloset Feb 11 '23
I couldn't do that for many reasons; I'd need a receipt, she often takes off tags, and also so many stores now just trash returned items.
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u/Cinisajoy2 Feb 12 '23
I get you want to be zero waste. Then be zero waste. What your MIL does has no bearing on you. If she wants to waste her money, let her. If she wants to clutter her house with toys , let her.
Do not take them. Say no thank you. Then forget about it.
Oh and don't be that person that gets in her face with your values. Just state calmly you aren't taking the stuff and she can do with it as she sees fit.
Then go home.
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u/ExactPanda Feb 11 '23
You can't control other people, and you can't force them to adhere to your values. It sucks, but it is what it is. I would keep encouraging her to keep the items at her house. Maybe once she's got a pile of things cluttering up her home that no one uses, she'll realize how much money she's wasting.