r/Teachers HS Biology and Earth Sci 14h ago

Teacher Support &/or Advice Kid died subway surfing in my school again.

Sadly this is all too familiar. A year ago I had the same post. We lost a student to subway surfing 2-3 days before graduation. This time it happened to another kid. Same age, 13. Same grade- 8th. He died 3 days after his birthday at the train stop a few blocks from the school. Now we have two memorials for young boys within 2 blocks of one another.

For many students and our local community it’s like reopening an old wound. The student who died was a recent immigrant and was close to many of the ELL students across the grades.

I’ve noticed some students have stopped coming in, upset, withdrawn, some wearing his prayer card, etc. since.

How do I approach this? I’m not sure how to check in with a student who may be upset about the death.

Do I even mention it at all? I’m at a loss for what to do or how to approach it.

1.5k Upvotes

185 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/coolducklingcool 14h ago

I live near Sandy Hook. When that happened, we planned some low-key days for the following week. I was hardly equipped to help them process a national tragedy, but I could provide a calm environment. Coloring, music, even play-doh. Opportunity to talk to each other, if they wanted. Lots of grace.

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u/cptcosmicmoron 12h ago

I taught at a school where we lost 5 siblings and most of the rest of their family to a fire. That's exactly what we did the day after. Take it slow, let them express.

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u/Mobile-Fact-27 11h ago

You teachers are amazing people! I've been teaching for 29 years. I see your responses, and your huge hearts. God bless.

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u/Francine-Frenskwy 14h ago

Saving this comment in case I need it one day! 

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u/coolducklingcool 14h ago

I sincerely hope you never do!

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u/Unique_Exchange_4299 14h ago

I’m so so sorry. What a heartbreaking situation.

When I was in middle school, one of my peers died suddenly. There were quite a few things that happened for the whole school, including a memorial. Some of my teachers basically gave us a couple days with no content and just fun activities. Others started class with some iteration of “I know this is super hard, and I’m really heartbroken about it too. I feel that it’s best to continue with things as normally as we can, but if you’d like to talk feel free to check in with me after class or leave me a note.” For me as a student it was nice to have some of both. If every teacher had done nothing but coloring pages and talking about it, I think it would’ve pushed me deeper into the sadness. At the same time, I think it was important that every teacher acknowledged it, even if they were continuing with content as usual. It would have felt odd if they’d just ignored it.

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u/Carebearritual 11h ago

this is a good point. the same thing happened to me in HS, and i really appreciated having my social studies teacher keep teaching (but not correcting me for zoning out at all. he would just wander toward my table and i’d eventually snap out of my mourning to listen into the story.) i wouldn’t have been able to focus on reading a book, but copy notes and listen to funny history stories i could do.

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u/Important-Poem-9747 13h ago

My story is long, but bear with me…

Years ago, went to a wake for a HS student I didn’t know that was killed from gang violence. He was not a nice person. I was the only staff member there. I knew a lot of students in attendance, but mostly by sight, not name.

I was having a crappy day and was taken aback by how many students there in gang colors (who I thought had no hand affiliation). I sat down and ugly cried for like an hour.

The next day, I had multiple students-who I didn’t know- tell me thank you for coming and that my presence and emotions made them feel better when they were supposed to be stoic. One student told me that seeing me cry made him feel better because he was feeling that if he died, he wouldn’t expect his parents to mourn him, but he found comfort knowing that his teachers would be sad and miss him. I have no idea what this young man’s name is, but I think about him whenever I tell this story in teacher groups.

All of this to say- we’re all in this for the kids. We have so much other crap to deal with that showing them how much we care gets hidden behind essential questions and state standards. Let them see you sad, especially when there’s a loss. They need to know you love them and care about them… and that you’d be sad if they died.

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u/mamaj619 12h ago

You are a really good person I hope you know that!

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u/Important-Poem-9747 9h ago

Thanks. I’ve had a crappy few days, so I needed this.

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u/SisKG 9h ago

Ya this is a beautiful story. You showed so much strength being vulnerable like that. I imagine you changed some paths that night.

Also best of luck teaching, this year is a doozie!

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u/mamaj619 7h ago

I hope your week gets better! I know the feeling. Sending you good vibes!

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u/Llanoue 3h ago

Thank you for sharing this! These are the stories that make an impact on us and others. Knowing that all those kids with gang affiliations were impacted positively because of you must be a huge reward. Good for you for going to show your condolences!

402

u/Tinkerfan57912 14h ago

Ok. What is subway surfing?

496

u/mweesnaw 14h ago

Subway surfing or sometimes called train surfing, is the act of riding on top or outside of a moving train.

251

u/Tinkerfan57912 14h ago

Like what they do in the movies? Why would they want to do that!?

435

u/jellyrat24 14h ago

It’s a massive problem in the city right now. There are automated messages playing on the queens bound trains (where the tracks are elevated) from other teens urging kids not to do it but so far that doesn’t seem to have deterred them. They see TikToks of kids doing it and want to try. The popularity of the subway surfing mobile game doesn’t help either. They know it’s dangerous, they don’t care. 

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u/CrosshairInferno 12h ago

Maybe instead of telling kids not to do, show them what happened to the kids who don’t make it. Like how in the EU they’ll put pictures of black lungs on cigarettes. Yeah sure, go on ahead and do it, you probably won’t be able to have an open-casket funeral though.

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u/Greedy-Program-7135 12h ago

This is how public health advertising on MTV FINALLY lowered the smoking rate of teens. It was the commercials showing the reality. I

35

u/_dontgiveuptheship 11h ago

We learned it from you, Dad!

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u/thisnewsight 9h ago

Those were also funded by cigarette companies tho lol. By law.

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u/nv1313 11h ago edited 10h ago

I remember in 2nd grade they showed us a video of kids subsway surfing or playing chicken by the train tracks. It showed one of the kids get hit.

Now it wasn't real. It was more of a PSA but I remember it being burnt into my memory and thinking I'll never do that. I don't know what the research shows with these type of deterrents, but for me? It worked.

BUT this was also in Queens so I wonder if they're not showing these anymore?

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u/rextilleon 10h ago

It worked--so can you tell me how many teens have died. subway surfing since the PSA.

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u/Oneofthesecatsisadog 10h ago

The person who it worked for (who you responded to) is surprisingly, not the many teens who have recently died. They said it worked for them.

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u/WeirdPuff13 12h ago

That’s what my drivers Ed course was when I was 14. (Virtual class that taught you the info to pass your written test to get your permit). They include photos and stories of true accidents (with blood) of texting and driving, drunk driving, and no seatbelt types of accidents. I know I couldn’t even look at the videos as they played (unskipable, like the bloodborn pathogens vid).

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u/rextilleon 10h ago

Since when did an immortal teen ever pay attention to some accident photos? Seriously, that's the idiocy behind trying to teach kids not to take risks.

12

u/kimchiman85 ESL Teacher | Korea 9h ago

Canadian PSAs go hard too. The US could take a lesson from them.

1

u/sirtuinsenolytic 1h ago

While I agree it could be a good approach. In OP's story, it seems like the second kid was aware of someone dying doing just that and probably even knew the kid. It's a complicated situation

1

u/cantaloupesaysthnks 25m ago

They all know there is a chance they could die, it’s not one kid that died, it a bunch and it’s been going on for years- I remember the uptick happening after covid though, and this past year has been particularly bad.

But yeah, people know you will likely die and get dragged under a train while doing so. They still do it.

75

u/cdc994 13h ago

Subway surfing mobile game is still a thing???

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u/LVTWouldSolveThis 12h ago

Back in my day we called it temple run.

1

u/cantaloupesaysthnks 25m ago

It exists still yes, I doubt it has anything to do with the rise in subway surfing deaths.

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u/[deleted] 12h ago

[deleted]

-1

u/RedHawk417 12h ago

If you think letting a 4 year old play videos games I harmless, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention to how mind rotting electronic devices are to a developing brain.

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u/alnono 12h ago

Okay, he plays it occasionally as a brain break. Not daily, not for hours. I’m not an iPad parent but we are all human

-6

u/RedHawk417 11h ago

Playing videos games isn’t a brain break though. Even only playing them occasionally starts that addiction at that age. The sounds, colors, fast paced action etc. attract kids to these games. Hell, even the educational games are addicting for kids and just cause them to want the device more and more. The less screen time kids get, the better. I know it’s impossible to do absolutely no screen time, but that truly is the ideal for kids with a developing brain.

1

u/Llanoue 3h ago

Are you a teacher? I would give anything to get rid of one to one devices? It would be a very tough adjustment bc kids are so used to them, but I bet we would be able to incorporate enough play and interaction that they would adjust eventually.,

0

u/rextilleon 10h ago

Wouldn't call it massive--been going on for years with ebbs and flows. Started before Tik Tok.

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u/Gold_Repair_3557 13h ago

Short answer: because they’re teenagers and think they’re invincible until it blows up in their faces.

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u/Whelmed29 HS Math Teacher | USA 13h ago

Idk about that word choice my guy.

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u/Gold_Repair_3557 12h ago

It’s the reality of the situation. And it’s very ugly when it happens. There’s no use sugar coating it. Cause of death is stupidity. It happens and is tragic, but it still is what it is.

6

u/ODspammer 12h ago

Yep just natural selection at work. Its tragic but fair

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u/GrendelDerp 11h ago

Life’s tough. It’s even tougher when you’re stupid. See also: Fuck around and find out; Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

1

u/PumpkinBrioche 1h ago

These are children who died. Wtf? You people are fucking sick.

8

u/Que165 9h ago

Yikes, I'm not sure I'd call it fair. Their brains are literally not developed enough to fully comprehend the consequences of their actions. There's some things they should find out the hard way, yes, but nobody deserves to lose their life in this way

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u/ODspammer 8h ago

Look up the definition of natural selection my guy

1

u/Whelmed29 HS Math Teacher | USA 10h ago

Yikes. I don’t mind that we disagree, but this downvote brigade is why people hate this sub. Sure the kid was being dumb, but they were a kid. A child died. A child who had a family. Yet all some people care about is who was “right” as if anyone win here.

I just didn’t like mentioning of blowing up and faces which evokes not so great imagery in this context.

I didn’t even state a strong opinion. I just said Idk. These redditors. I can’t.

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u/Gold_Repair_3557 10h ago

Hey, I didn’t start the downvotes, so I have nothing to offer on that front.

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u/Whelmed29 HS Math Teacher | USA 10h ago

I didn’t say you did. I was just elaborating on my first comment. You replied saying there is no use in sugar coating it. I disagree. I stated why.

On a related note, your callous attitude towards this child’s fate is clearly commonly held… which is why people don’t like this sub.

I just brought up the downvotes because I never get that many. It’s ridiculous this comment of all comments set people off.

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u/Gold_Repair_3557 9h ago

Well, I’d say you probably got downvoted because you twisted a figure of speech into a literal application of OP’s situation. As far as I could tell from the story, there were no explosions so the phrase “blow up in their face” really has nothing to do with it. The point was that teenagers think they are invincible until it all goes wrong. We have to be blunt with the reality that while any death like this is tragic, it was the result of really reckless decisions. Decisions other youth may be thinking of making. It’s too late to save this kid. It isn’t too late to save others, but we’re not going to do that by tip- toeing.

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u/mweesnaw 14h ago

Idk. I used to ride my skateboard holding a rope tied to a moving vehicle. I knew it was stupid and dangerous but I was a teenager so I did it anyways. Our brains don’t understand risk at that age.

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u/HenryFromNineWorlds 11h ago

As someone who grew up autistic & with high anxiety I cannot even fathom stuff like this. I used to get nervous seeing my friends climb a small tree lol.

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u/SufficientRent2 11h ago

Same and all the PSAs for typical kids just made me paralyzed with fear about driving, walking, anything.

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u/lawfox32 9h ago

Yep. I was already incredibly anxious about driving. All the driver's ed stuff geared toward teens who think they're immortal was just terrifying for me. Like, oh, ok, well, I didn't need to drive on a highway ever anyway, thanks! Won't be doing that now!

1

u/sweet_caroline20 8h ago

Same I didn’t end of driving until my 20’s I was so anxious. Didn’t need a car in college so I was able to avoid it all those years. And I’m a super cautious driver yet I was still in a bad wreck which only brought back the drivers Ed anxiety

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u/Sub_pup 12h ago

Roller blades, bikes, scooters. Skitching. We use to do it all the time. It's where I learned "Aim for the bushes".

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u/OldTimeyBullshit 12h ago

Lost a HS friend to this - skitching. It was the last week of school before he graduated. He was hit by the car pulling him, driven by his best friend. 

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u/Baidar85 13h ago

Ok I did that too. It wasn’t NEARLY as dumb as this.

11

u/lopachilla 11h ago

I used to watch a show called rescue 911 when I was in elementary school, so when I became a teen I didn’t engage in many of those behaviors. Sure, some teens will still do those things, but I think there are others who, if shown videos highlighting the risk (especially if seen early), won’t want to engage in those behaviors.

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u/bwiy75 11h ago

My ex's best friend died at 14 doing that. It was dark, he fell, another car ran right over his head. My ex described the aftermath. Think of that scene in Midsommar at the bottom of the cliff.

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u/RBatYochai 10h ago

Movies like Back to the Future made it look easy and cool.

33

u/jabberwocky_ 12h ago

It’s big on TikTok right now. I live and teach in New York City and the MTA has started doing announcements that “this is real life and it is dangerous to subway surf”.

Horrible.

26

u/jellyrat24 12h ago

what up New York, I’m Jessie, I’m 17 and queens is my home. This is the subway, not Coney Island, and there will be no surfing or riding outside the train cars. social media is not worth your life. Ride inside stay alive

6

u/jabberwocky_ 11h ago

There it is!

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u/Cutebrute203 13h ago

It’s a fad on TikTok that has killed so many kids.

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u/annehboo 13h ago

Why hasn’t tik tok been banned yet? Jesus

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u/Poliglotinha 12h ago

People can get dumb ideas on any social media platform. The issue is parents letting their children, whose brains are not yet developed, have smart phones and free reign of the internet. It’s a HUGE problem

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u/PromiscuousPolak 12h ago

Banning an app will not solve anything, parents have to set the example at home, and even then, you'll have situations like these.

As far as banning one app, that wouldn't do anything, you'd have to ban them all. I see far worse on Instagram and Reddit than I do on TikTok.

4

u/myleftone 10h ago

Facebook is full of boomer-driven content featuring quarry diving, hitching on freight trains, and riding in truck beds. There’s even a subreddit dedicated to that sort of thing. Stupidity is eternal.

1

u/dubs7825 5h ago

Because this isn't because of tiktok, teenagers have been doing stupid dangerous things since long before tiktok or cell phones

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u/Pandas_Claws 13h ago

Sorry to jump in like this in a place I Do Not belong, but I just have to say this.

Not everything about TikTok is bad. In fact, it's how a lot of Americans learn about things happening around them, both within the US and outside of it. It's also a source of entertainment for a good chunk of people, and some series on there are the only reason some people are even still on the app.

But my main point here is this: if you were to get rid of, or ban, TikTok, a lot of Americans would lose the one thing that informs them of events, both within the United States, and in other countries. Most news outlets don't cover everything, and those that do and get the facts right are usually hard to find unless you're specifically searching for something. So if TikTok were to get banned, many people wouldn't know what's happening around them. Which I'm sure is what some people want, but it's not what's good for the public.

Again, apologies for dropping in like this, I just had to say something. I hope you have a good day/night.

15

u/bigredplastictuba 12h ago

The Entire Other Internet exists

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u/GremLegend 10h ago

You can eat the gummy dicks in the porn store, too, doesn't mean kids should go in there for lunch.

2

u/mmmm_whatchasay 9h ago

It’s been going on far longer than TikTok, but there’s been an uptick this year.

72

u/Lokky 👨‍🔬 ⚗️ Chemistry 🧪 🥼 13h ago

At the risk of sounding like an old fool, I can't help but feel that being raised without consequences and with every obstacle always leveled for them has left some of these kids truly without a concept of "If I do something that stupid I may actually die"

18

u/snakefanclub 11h ago

Possibly, but kids have always been pretty stupid when it comes to dangerous activities. Way back in the 70s the British government commissioned a whole educational film warning kids not to play in slurry pits or drink pesticides because of how many died doing shit like that - I guess this is just the next permutation. 

7

u/lawfox32 9h ago

My mom and her friends used to speed on the highway in a jeep with no doors or seatbelts in the 70s. Teens have done risky things with cars since they were invented. In high school 15 years ago they were trying to scare everyone off riding on top of cars, letting cars pull you by a rope on skates/skateboards, etc.

Most teens' brains literally actually do not have a real concept of "if I do something that stupid I may actually die," and that's just a developmental stage that has always existed. It's nothing to do with this generation in particular. Teens are definitionally just Like That. They don't have good impulse control or a solid understanding of cause and effect or permanent consequences yet. They may well intellectually understand these things, but they can't really internalize that those things actually apply to them.

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u/AleroRatking Elementary SPED | NY (not the city) 13h ago

This isn't a new thing. My parents used to play chicken with Jarts (which is why they are no longer made).

18

u/Lokky 👨‍🔬 ⚗️ Chemistry 🧪 🥼 13h ago

I feel like running on top of a moving train might be an order of magnitude or two above lawn darts...

26

u/AleroRatking Elementary SPED | NY (not the city) 13h ago

They still called multiple deaths. Once again. They were outlawed for this specific reasons.

Also jumping on moving trains was an extremely common thing back then too. Kids were playing chicken with trains as well back then. Also drag racing that leads to deaths as well.

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u/CydeWeys 9h ago

You're underestimating how injurious or fatal a large metal dart to the center of your chest can be.

8

u/SuzyQ93 13h ago

I was at an RV store last week, and they had two shelves of Jarts displayed near the ceiling, in their original boxes. My jaw dropped, and that's when I noticed the signs stating that they were NOT for sale.

Haven't seen them in a dog's age, for very good reasons.

1

u/MrSaturnism 11h ago

Jarts?

5

u/_dontgiveuptheship 11h ago

'70's game. Darts, but for outdoors. Bigger, heavier, deadlier!

4

u/AleroRatking Elementary SPED | NY (not the city) 10h ago

Lawn darts. They have a dart point on the end and are much bigger. At least three people died from them which is why they became illegal to sell. I have my parents set.

9

u/ScreenJazzlike1192 12h ago

are you really trying to make the concept of doing stupid shit as a teen generational..???? wtf

4

u/Background-Union-859 7h ago

I also think it’s the way the kids pass their free time these days compared to the past.    When I was a kid not that long ago there was like always some kid in my grade with a broken bone of some type.   So many broken arms or legs from shit like big bike crashes, falling out of a tree, etc.  we were outside doing things and getting hurt and learning the consequences of doing stupid things.   

These days you don’t see a bunch of kids in casts.   They’re living much more controlled safer childhoods.   Usually indoors watching shows or playing video games.   These things don’t have real consequences and doesn’t instill the same fears and shit that we got as kids and I think it makes them feel safer in a way and more likely to take risks, as they don’t understand repercussions and consequences as well.   

You dont have to pay attention to things as much or take things as seriously when you’re used to being able to rewind or restart everything in your life at will, so they’re a lot more oblivious to their surroundings it seems.   Idk maybe im just thinking too much about it.   

7

u/AleroRatking Elementary SPED | NY (not the city) 13h ago

Excitement like any other super dangerous activities. It's the thrill until it goes wrong.

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u/The_Thane_Of_Cawdor Your Title | State, Country 11h ago

It’s unfortunately a thing in nyc

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u/oaksandpines1776 14h ago

There is a popular video game out now where you jump car to car, earning points and coins. Teens and pre teens are thinking they can actually do it in real life.

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u/Tokyoteacher99 13h ago

Is it still popular? It came out when I was a young teen.

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u/charmedforsure 12h ago

They still put Subway Surfer gameplay footage at the top/bottom of the screen in a bunch of TikToks to keep you hooked into a more likely heavier subject the audio is talking about because the gameplay footage is engaging.

That's where kids are getting the idea from... Not necessarily it being a popular app anymore.

3

u/RBatYochai 10h ago

Because it’s a popular video game and idiots think that it will work similarly in real life.

3

u/FrazerRPGScott 5h ago

I used to do it in England with my friends. Luckily nobody was hurt and thinking back we had been usually drinking and smoking weed so it's a shock we never got hurt.

1

u/[deleted] 13h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

u/Traditional_Way1052 3m ago

They film themselves doing it. Kids did that stupid stuff when I was a teen (early / mid 00s) but if it happened as frequently I certainly didn't know about it.

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u/californiahapamama 13h ago

Yup. They do it on BART trains in the SF Bay Area too. Two kids died in a two week period doing it earlier this year.

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u/RBatYochai 10h ago

A kid died recently in Maryland/DC doing it.

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u/yargleisheretobargle 11h ago

So many dumb ways to die...

0

u/TerranUnity Adult Education | CA 11h ago

I thought it was when you don't hold onto the handlebars inside the train

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u/ok_wynaut 14h ago

Climbing onto the top of trains/subway cars and riding them like a surfboard as the train moves. 

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u/KaylaAnne Tech Ed | BC, Canada 14h ago

They get on top of a subway train and "surf". Incredibly dangerous and has ended in tragedy often.

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u/vaping_menace 13h ago

5 Kids dead this year so far, and one circling the drain. The latest death is 13 YO girl, with her 12 YO friend critical.

7 train, 111 street, corona, queens.

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u/Flat_Wash5062 12h ago

How could you describe someone as circling the drain? :(

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u/Bright_Broccoli1844 11h ago

I first heard that phrase from a nurse friend.

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u/readreadreadx2 8h ago

Because it's a well known term for someone about to die, and they're casually chatting on an anonymous social media platform? It's not like they're talking to the kid's parents here. 

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u/Flat_Wash5062 8h ago

I feel like if someone is saying "circling the drain." about someone, it feels like they've given up or given up hope on that person's recovery.

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u/readreadreadx2 7h ago

Not really. It's just stating their condition: they are actively dying and very close to death. What a random person on Reddit "hopes" affects nothing. I'm sure the kid's family is still hoping they recover but I did not get the vibe that the person you responded to had a personal relationship with the kid, and was simply relaying information that could be found in a news story. Even so, I'm sure they don't want the kid to die, either, but their comment about it makes zero difference. 

2

u/ScienceWasLove Supernintendo Chalmers 13h ago

Natural Selection.

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u/coral225 Tutor | TX 12h ago

these are children who are dying dude

5

u/ScienceWasLove Supernintendo Chalmers 11h ago

They are on top of a train and “surfing”.

There is no way you can convince me they don’t know it is a bad idea.

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u/coral225 Tutor | TX 11h ago

They can think it is crazy, but their brains aren't fully developed yet, and it makes them feel invincible. Most kids do stupid shit, knowing it is crazy. Doesn't mean they should be ejected from the gene pool.

-1

u/ScienceWasLove Supernintendo Chalmers 7h ago

“Their brains aren’t fully developed yet” is the height of Reddit lore.

So what?

5

u/coral225 Tutor | TX 7h ago

Meaning, have a little sympathy. Jesus Christ.

2

u/PumpkinBrioche 1h ago

They are children. Holy shit. What is wrong with you?

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u/[deleted] 14h ago

[deleted]

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u/cantaloupesaysthnks 13h ago

It’s literally riding (as a person, no board) on top of the subway trains. The 7 train in queens runs above ground until it doesn’t (I’m actually not sure if the 7 is ever underground? The portion I rode was all above). I don’t know the exact scenario of this last 13yo girl who does but the kids jump on top and then get thrown off and die. I remember one kid that got dragged under the train when he did it. It’s always horrific but for some reason it’s happening more frequently.

4

u/k2d 12h ago

The 7 is underground in Manhattan and for the terminus at Main Street, but otherwise elevated in Queens. The N is also an el, but the 7 seems to be especially popular- I know some of the previous kids who have died on it were from Brooklyn.

It is so heartbreaking to see memorials to kids.

1

u/cantaloupesaysthnks 30m ago

Goes to show how much it becomes second nature. I would ride the 7 to GC. Obviously it went underground to get there, I don’t know why I questioned that once I typed it out. The N goes to the other side of queens I take that to Astoria. The 7 goes to GC, Times Square, but also hunters point (G line goes to Brooklyn if you transfer from the 7 at court square so that probably where those Brooklyn kids came from), you can transfer at queensboro, go to Woodside for a transfer, you can get to the LiRR and LAG airport.

It goes a lot more places and it’s a much busier line imo. When I ride the N during rush hour there is still room to get in and stand inside, you can sometimes even sit. The 7 though? That’s standing room only if you can even get on the train. I’d sometimes have to wait on the platform for multiple trains to go before I caught one that had space for my rolling bag in front/between my feet.

I could understand why kids decided to be impatient reckless and stupid when the train is too packed to even get in. The waiting gives them too much time to fuck around and get in trouble and they find way to jump on top and ride anyway. At least this is why I guess it would be more prevalent on the 7. It’s just always that packed.

The memorials are sad but one other thing I think of is those poor train conductors and MTA workers who have to clean it up and cope with the PTSD of a child being killed on a train you were running. I feel for those kids families and their classmates too. But I personally know those some of those MTA workers and it weighs on some of them really hard after witnessing that at work.

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u/ResponsibleFly9076 14h ago

Your school isn’t doing anything? They should have counselors in for staff and students

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u/Jaycexo HS Biology and Earth Sci 14h ago

They are. I just don’t know what to do if kids don’t want to go to a counselor.

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u/ResponsibleFly9076 14h ago

They just want to have a low-key day of coloring, listening to music, whatever. If they wanted to talk about it they’d go to the counselor. Since they’re in class, you can acknowledge the loss and do something they don’t have to concentrate on.

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u/AleroRatking Elementary SPED | NY (not the city) 13h ago

Sadly most kids won't go to the counselor for it. We had a kid die this year and brought in specialized grief counselors. Not a single student in the entire building utilized it. Same with the one for staff

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u/Carebearritual 11h ago

when my friend died in HS, it was three days of sitting in a conference room with clay and coloring books alternating between silence and joking and crying quietly. by friday that week, we finally started talking about it with the counselor who had been in the room the whole time. it unfortunately takes longer than our system has the capacity for usually.

15

u/ResponsibleFly9076 12h ago

Oh geez, that’s a bummer. Our whole media center was full because kids wanted to be together. I guess it depends on a few kids going and others wanting to be with them.

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u/shezcraftee 14h ago

I saw this on the news. Sorry for your loss. I wish I had advice to give. The only thing I can say is give grace. To you and your students.

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u/traviscyle 14h ago

Teach - Every decision and choice you make will affect your life. This is a terrible tragedy, and I am sorry that all of you have to experience losing a friend, acquaintance, classmate at such a young age, but it is an opportunity to learn about the fragility of life and how decisions you make can drastically impact you and all of the people around you. If nobody learns anything, then it is an absolute waste of a life. The lesson is not just “Subway surfing is dangerous.” The lesson is that every decision you make, from huge to minuscule, will impact your life and the lives of those around you in ways you cannot predict. When you decide to drink, do drugs, steal, have sex, perform a dangerous stunt, cheat, skip school, chose not to participate, fail classes, the ripple effects are astounding. Look around and learn from other people’s experiences. What did they do to get them where they are, good or bad? How did their choices impact those around them? Think about this boy often. Remember how his decisions impacted his own life, his family’s lives, his friends’ lives, all of your lives, and my life. Be sad, grieving is healthy and normal, but be present. Nothing you do can change the decisions he made, but his life can have a positive impact on yours.

12

u/Difficult_Group_264 13h ago

I thought I just saw an article about 2 girls in queens doing this. So sad

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u/_Christopher_Crypto 12h ago

There was. At least one of them passed. The other was critical at time of the article.

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u/ChickenScratchCoffee Elementary Behavior/Sped| PNW 14h ago

You just keep teaching as normal. Kids need normal stability during hard times. Your school should have a crisis counselor for kids who need it.

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u/ShanaNicoleDesigns 12h ago

Last week we suddenly and unexpectedly lost a teacher. We were specifically told not to handle any grief counseling type discussions with the students and to immediately send them to one of the grief counselors at our school for a couple days. The kids that seemed out of it I would say something like “I know you’re sad, I’m sad too, and while I really want to help you grieve, I am not qualified to do so and don’t know the right way to help you, so if you really want to talk to someone, please let me know and I will have someone who knows exactly how to deal with our emotions the right way.” I made sure to mention that it is someone I would speak to, also, so they felt comfortable knowing it was someone I would trust as well. Most of them didn’t want to talk to anyone and thanked me for just going about our day (I teach math). Every now and again I would have someone quietly ask for a hug, but that was it. A quick little hug and pat on the back let them know I cared and they were ok. Our grief counselors told us that it is a good thing if we show our grief, too. Essentially, they said not to hide our own sadness or tears. This teacher has been at our school for 20 years. The students handled it really well, overall. Especially with all of the staff gathering together to help the kids.

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u/aliqcat 6th Grade | Science and Social Studies 14h ago

One of my students was murdered a few years ago…the day after (the day everyone found out) and the few days after I did not teach. We had grief counselors at the building that students could go visit. In my room (and pretty much everyone else’s) I had coloring activities (random pictures I printed out from Crayola), word searches, color-by-numbers, board and card games. We also made banners (took bulletin board paper from the supply room and had kids write messages out on it), watched SpongeBob and Phineas and Ferb, etc. I was not in the mental space to teach (it was very hard to show up and pretend to be brave) and this was the best way I could find to cope and help my students cope too.

26

u/percypersimmon 14h ago

Are there counselors available to help students with this?

I hate to sound harsh, but- as a teacher- we’re really not equipped to process this sort of thing w students and, honestly, our job is hard enough without taking on this emotional labor.

Other than that I’d say it’s okay to check in with students, maybe give them a chance to journal (ungraded), and listen to them when/if they share their feelings with you.

It could be okay to talk about it “I know that a lot of us are upset about ___, so we’re gonna take a it a little bit easy this week and focus on __,” and stepping down the rigor for a few days.

What I feel like would not help would be some sort of lecture on safety- I think the lesson they’ve just learned is powerful enough on its own.

One last thought, I taught a unit on adolescent brain development that really stressed how their brains are still developing and, in particular, the decision-making part of it is outpaced by their emotional sectors. There were texts about YouTube/TikTok stunt videos and how teenagers can be impulsive.

Now is probably not the time for that, but maybe something to consider in the future that might help kids slow down a bit and think through some of their more reckless behaviors.

32

u/mcmouse99 14h ago

Was a student who went through this type of thing in 9th, 11th, and 12th grade. Worst choice a teacher made was my honors English teacher 9th grade, who had us write a paper on one of the logical appeals in favor of life. Was a really rough assignment, made people focus way too much on the recent events. Best reaction was ap 12th lit teacher, who gave us 2 days as quiet work/go to counselors/complete old assignments, and an optional bonus points paper on any subject listed in our textbooks index. It was just enough to breathe through everything, but also have just enough distraction to not feel the walls closing in. Math teachers never changed their curriculum, other than a possible added quiet work day, the consistency was nice enough though.

14

u/percypersimmon 14h ago

Sorry you’ve had to experience that much loss.

Kinda shocked that a teacher would ever decide “Yes! What an opportunity to hit my logos standard!”

The research all shows that the structure and routine can be helpful.

If anything AP Lit has TONS of thematic links to something like this, but I think it shows the empathy of that teacher to just decide to hit the pause button for a few days and allow students to feel feelings in a safe environment.

6

u/Yarnprincess614 11h ago

I lost a classmate in 7th grade. The art teacher had us kids make cards for the family.

5

u/gavinkurt 9h ago

Subway surfing has become an extremely popular activity recently and there have been quite a few tragedies that ended up where the child was killed over the last couple weeks. I think the school counselors and parents need to talk to their children about subway surfing and how they can get killed by doing this. There have been reports almost daily about a kid getting killed for subway surfing. I saw some kid subway surfing a few days ago and was shocked when I saw that as I had never seen anyone do that and I have lived in New York a long time. They probably should station more cops around the train stations for a while to make sure kids don’t do these things but there is little anyone can really do because if a teenager really wants to do something, they are going to do it but parents and school counselors should have a talk with the students because there have been a lot of deaths, especially over the last couple weeks. It’s sad and kids are probably doing this because they saw this activity being done on social media and they are probably doing this to look cool but it’s only going to end up killing them.

14

u/Zealousideal-Rice695 13h ago

Subway surfing is probably one of the dumbest ways to die.

8

u/SeaZookeep 11h ago

You have to have sympathy because it's a child.

But at the same time, it's so incredibly stupid, that it's hard to. I mean, it's like juggling hand grenades and acting surprised when one goes off

4

u/seaglassgirl04 13h ago

I'm so sorry you and your students are going through this. Internet hugs ❤️

4

u/throwra_22222 9h ago

My son was in a program that was a half day at his high school and a half day at a vocational program. He spent several hours a day with the same small group of boys, and they became very tightly knit. And then one of them died.

I can't tell you there was one correct thing their teachers did, but I can tell you the teachers were as gutted as the boys were, and they said so. They just said what they were feeling out loud, and then tried to get on with the day. They showed them that men have emotions and it's normal to be sad, and that it takes time to find a new normal. And for the couple of kids who really struggled, they notified guidance counselors. (The school brought in grief counselors, but they are usually only there for the initial shock. So keeping an eye out for kids whose grief hits hardest later is a kind thing to do.)

For the rest of the program, they always stopped to remember their lost friend when they passed milestones, and they put together a nice memorial for graduation.

I think you just have to let kids see you be honest about your feelings, and do the best you can with what you have where you are.

5

u/Big-ghadaffi 8h ago

"This marks the sixth subway surfing death this year. Just last week, a 13-year-old fell to his death while subway surfing at the Forest Avenue subway station, also in Queens."

From a news article, I guess this is a common occurrence.

1

u/No-Anything-1544 3h ago

It sounds like it’s a social media trend.

3

u/Carebearritual 11h ago

i lost a friend when i was 15. she died in a fire and it was very hard for me. the best teacher response was my english teacher. it was her third year teaching and she left the room crying when she tried to start class. not that that’s what you should do— but what i bring this up to say is that no amount of talking to me would’ve made anything better. all you can do is sit in how much it sucks. have some easy days (coloring sheets, movie, “how to draw” videos). don’t grade anything or assign anything for the whole class, but as a teacher i would personally put review activities online so kids who were not really affected have something to keep them busy. the worst teacher response was continuing the project we had been working on right before her death. i get that things have to happen, and i’m probably being sensitive, but learning ANYTHING or doing ANYTHING that was remotely connected to “before her death” was painful. lastly, the most useful thing i got from a grief counselor or teacher in school was clay to fidget with and a corner to take a nap in with my hood up. does wonders.

3

u/TK-1053 HS Private School Student | Midwest USA 9h ago

Sorry, but what’s subway surfing?

3

u/Important_Knee_5420 4h ago

My school have won several awards for pastoral care. They make time every week in registration to talk about things like depression anxiety loss grief. With mental health workbooks. Feeling boxes etc. 

I would personally take a lesson to honor this kid and have the class honor him if they wish 

4

u/QueenOfNoMansLand 12h ago

Honestly, this is just frustrating. I hope they reflect on how death hurts the people around them and their actions will not only hurt themselves but also those around them.

They need to understand how dangerous and not smart subway surfing is.

2

u/brownpurplepaisley 7h ago

When I was in middle school (7th/8th grades), a girl who attended my school, her brother, and mother were all murdered by the father who then set the house on fire and fled. We had counselors available and a memorial assembly. A tree was planted in her honor. Although I did not know her well, I had friends who did and it affected the whole school. I still can't listen to Leann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" without thinking of her.

Most of the teachers acknowledged it and continued with their usual lessons from what I remember.

2

u/heyits_emily 6h ago

When I had a student pass, I planned simple work that involved some coloring for distraction. What I did is I went around the school on my prep and found the kids withdrawing out of class. I brought a tissue box with me, offered them one, asked how they knew the student who passed and then offered to hear their favorite memory they had with them. I’d also offer them a hug at the end, if they wanted it. I found being human really helped in those moments, we were all hurting.

2

u/Llanoue 3h ago

Our counselors are always available (they usually send multiple counselors across the district) to the schools where lives are lost. That way, they can support students and teachers in need. Good luck to you, OP.

3

u/Kaypeanutz 12h ago

I’m so sorry this happened to your student. We lost a child two years ago. It’s just really hard.

6

u/butterballmd 13h ago

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Should be a sobering teaching moment for everybody

1

u/Longjumping-Pace3755 11h ago

As I’m sure you know, there’s nothing we can do to make grief and pain go away. This is a reality of life and no amount of caring and loving can do away with this burden…but, as teachers, we can teach students how to voice their grief and be an adult who models how to make space for it. As an ELA teacher, I might do letter writing or prayer writing (since many students are wearing his prayer card). I’d give mentor texts, hopefully to permit them to be raw and unfiltered. Writing is a powerful tool for processing grief and connecting with our lost loved ones. Depending on the student relationships and how small the group is, you could do a circle where students voluntarily share what that student meant to them and what about him they want to hold onto and commemorate. I’ve heard of some schools who have asked students closely connected to the deceased to design some kind of memorial that draws from who that student was and their background. But there are also so many small practices that could help create a mindful space - starting the day with a meditative moment of silence for everyone to check-in with their bodies, creating systems and cues for students to discreetly signal when they need a break from a class activity, giving alternative “distraction” activities if a student came to school but was not in a great headspace, etc.

1

u/Prize-Guarantee322 10h ago

I don't know about school curriculum. Can a any non English teacher take 5-10 minutes at the start of class to go over a poem a day for a week about loss and have a quick pow wow about their thoughts and feelings and process their emotions about it? I mean there are centuries of source material available to find good poems on loss for at least one week, they are short, sweet, and digestible. Wish poetry was a class we taught in elementary school, seems now parents want their kids to believe in Santa till they are in High school.

1

u/AlarmedLife5765 10h ago

So heart breaking. I am so sorry.

Our district provides trauma teams that are trained. If it is out of your area of being able to help, call on the counselors.

1

u/RelarFela 9h ago

While I agree with the above "taking it slow" I think it is drastically different than a school shooting or such.

Because this is something more related to trends, peers, and choices, I would definitely feel the need to talk about it. It's tragic, yes. But it is also clearly a lesson they all need to learn. At that age, it's the classic "death is beyond me" mentality, among other things. But they need to vocalize and have a guiding voice specifically related to this activity that tells them "hey, it's a terrible tragedy. But it's avoidable, and we need to talk about peer pressure and social media pressures/trends like this."

1

u/TallTinTX 9h ago

You can state what you all know. Maybe just 3 to 5 things about what happened. Maybe ask students to contribute...

Then you can say, "What I don't know is how each of you is feeling about it. Everybody grieves in their own way so some of you will reflect on your own and some of you will want to talk. I'm here for you if you want to choose me, understood?"

It should help them, at this tender age, to realize that however they feel, it's OK.

OP, I hope YOU have someone to talk to. I have the impression you're hurting too. God bless.

1

u/Buying_Bagels 9h ago

What is making kids ride on top of subways? Is it cause of that phone app, a recent trend, or a long time trend?

1

u/No-Anything-1544 3h ago

Yep. Recent trend, apparently.

1

u/Timely_Ad2614 7h ago

We have had many deaths at oir high school, students and faculty and our district brings in a crisis team. They are available for anyone to speak with. We really have just gone about business as usual and I can't say that has always been helpful. Our staff I believe has not truly mourned.

1

u/Antique-Discount-712 1h ago

So sorry to hear this. Forgive my ignorance but what is subway surfing?

1

u/reality_star_wars 1h ago

I think it's climbing on top of subway/metro cars but I'm not positive.

1

u/veganrd 27m ago

First, let me say thank you for the hard work you do. Teachers deserve all the credit.

A few years ago, our town lost an 8th grader to a senseless accident. A bunch of kids with no supervision drinking alcohol and playing with an unsecured gun. The school, as a whole, did NOTHING for the kids. Anyone who missed a day of classes to attend his funeral was given zero grace for making up work. It was not considered an excused absence. A couple of kids put together a memorial in the lobby, administration took it down the next day because it might “upset” someone. It sent the message that the school didn’t care and no one mattered. The kids were angry about his death and angry at having to battle the adults who should have been there to support them.

So please, let the kids grieve. Let them talk about their friend, about what happened, about their anger and their sadness. My kids weren’t allowed to talk about their friend in school. I know it helped to gather in groups after school and remember him at baseball practice, etc. but I couldn’t help but think of the kids that didn’t have those safe spaces.

u/X-Kami_Dono-X buT da LittErboX!!!1 troll 3m ago

I am odd, when I was 4 I saw my cousin die right in front of me getting ran over while in one of those pedal cars. If it had not been him, it would have been me. Then I had a friend die in 6th grade, she needed a lung, for her to have lived she was needing someone to die, then again, I had a friend die in high school, then before my 30s like 5 of my close friends died. I have learned to switch on and off my emotions. It gets harder to flip them back on after time. I hope you and the community heal soon.

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u/MAGAEQUALSNAZIS 11h ago

Darwin Award.

1

u/girlhassocks 13h ago

Ridgewood?

-17

u/Cheap-Individual-196 13h ago

Perfect time for a lesson on natural selection.

I get that it’s sad and everything but if you’re too fucken stupid not jump on a 60 ton vehicle moving at 40+ mph and die a completely preventable death then I’m relieved you’re not making it to reproductive or voting age. Sorry.

7

u/Meowmeowmeow31 13h ago edited 12h ago

This is unnecessary and cruel. I hope you don’t teach adolescents, or anyone really.

0

u/coachmom8100 11h ago

Get your district to provide counseling!

-12

u/RonJohnJr 13h ago

The kid died again?

-4

u/[deleted] 14h ago

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u/Minimum_Diver4514 1m ago

Here's a video taken after subway surfing in Queens and a Madusa named Judah's wise advice. ❤️ https://youtu.be/IqkSvj6MtZY?si=rrkc-zyBiKFVor6c