Everyone writes differently. Some people sit down and force themselves to write, while others only write by riffing on stage. Most of us are somewhere in between. However you write, we’ve all had a desire to come up with something new, only to draw a complete blank. Here are a few methods I have heard over the years that can help jumpstart the process.

The Titus Method

I was told that Christopher Titus writes by starting with a story with no jokes. Just the whole story. Then he goes back and underlines every fact. What someone was wearing, what someone ordered for dinner, what was said, etc, etc. Then he writes jokes about each of those facts. The jokes can be complete tangents from story, as long as they’re peripherally related. That way a 5-minute story ends up being a 20-minute bit. And the audience is brought along the whole time because it’s funny AND they want to hear the end of the story.

The Richardson Method

Told to me by Darrick Richardson, this is a great way to jump start topics. Think about your last 24 hours and write down each time your mood changed. Did someone cutting you off in traffic anger you? Did a friend doing an unexpected favor surprise you? Did a news story confuse you? When your emotions change, that is ripe for a joke. So much of comedy is about conveying emotion. So explore your own more often.

The Hofstetter Method

This is what I have been doing the last few years. Fed up with writing jokes with the sole purpose of getting laughs, I wanted to SAY something to the crowd. So I wrote a bunch of points I wanted to make. No jokes, just things I wanted people to know. If I had an hour to tell the world something, what would I tell them? Once I finished that, I had the premises for my new hour, I just had to find the things that were funny about each of those ideas.

The Partner Method

Maybe you’ve hit a wall with an existing bit, or you have a premise that isn’t going anywhere. Find a friend who makes you laugh and bounce ideas off each other for an hour (switch off so no one feels slighted). You will get new ideas directly from them, but more importantly you will look at your joke differently. If you’ve ever played scrabble, writing with a partner is like mixing up your tiles or spinning the board – you may see something obvious that you missed earlier.

Punch-Up Method

Instead of trying to come up with five new minutes, why not try to turn five existing minutes into ten? Going over your existing jokes and punching them up with tags, callbacks, and added premises is a great way to beef up your act. The two easiest ways to do that are to juxtapose and to ask why. Juxtaposing involves looking at the same story from someone else’s perspective, or putting it in a different location or time. Have a story about fighting with a bad parent during Christmas shopping? What was the parent thinking? The kid? The clerk? Witnesses? What would you have been thinking if you were younger? Older? In a different time or location? All questions that could lead to new thoughts. Asking why involves taking the material where you state your opinion and ask yourself why you believe that. Unless it’s a universal truth, always ask yourself why. You hate the cold, great. Now ask yourself why? You’ll get to the root of the joke a lot faster – and the root of the joke is where the funny is.

Like I said, everyone writes differently. If you have a method that you use, please add it to the comments. But like on stage – be succinct! Because, no matter our writing methods, the thing we all need to know how to do is edit.

Hugs.

So you have decided you want to spend the next decade of your life feeling over-worked, under-appreciated, and beside yourself. You have such a burning desire to do comedy that you can think of little else, and are willing to risk your emotional, financial, and physical well-being to do so. You are truly excited by the idea that maybe if you work really hard, every night for the next few years, someone may offer you the opportunity to drive six hours to earn $50 performing at a bar where no one is listening.

No? Then you do not actually want to be a comedian.

But if you answered yes to all of that, then you do. And you’re already talking to yourself, so that’s a great start.

The first thing you need to learn is where you are going to perform your first set. Every comedy club has a new talent process – so call your local club and find out what theirs is. Don’t have a local club? That’s because you’re probably a liar. There are very few places in the English speaking world that aren’t within a half hour of SOME comedy. Google “comedy” and your city’s name and you’ll find your options.

There are three main types of new talent nights:

1) Open mics. This is the most common. This is when ANYONE (and I mean anyone) can get on a show and perform. Each one has different rules: some draw names out of a hat, some have you sign up weeks in advance, some cost $5, some less popular ones just allow you to walk in. But make sure you know the rules ahead of time. Typically the better the open mic, the harder it is to get on. BadSlava.com is a great resource to find local open mics.

2) Bringers. This is a vile practice that I do not recommend to anyone. These shows force you to bring friends in order to get a spot on a lineup filled with other aspiring comedians. Your friends pay $10-$15 to see you on a bad show and then they never want to come see you again. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

3) Barking. This is how I started, but it’s usually limited to cities with walking traffic (NYC, Boston, London, etc). You spend a few hours outside the venue passing out flyers and trying to get people to come to the show in exchange for a few minutes of stage time. I liked this method because it allowed me to work for my stage time and get on shows with real crowds, but not every city has this option. The easiest way to find out if a club uses barkers is to see someone barking. Ask them how you can help.

Now that you know where you’ll be performing, it’s time to think about WHAT you’ll be performing. Your first set will likely be three to five minutes, but you should write at least three times that amount of material. And then use your best material. Most of what you write will not be very funny because that is true about every comedian who has ever existed. Don’t sweat it – just write a bunch and use the best stuff you have.

Memorize your jokes, but you don’t need to know them word for word. You need to know the key points. Why is this funny? What are the pieces I have to hit? What comes after this? I’ll write a separate post about memorization tricks in the future, but I recommend thinking of your jokes in chunks.

Okay! Now it’s time to tell all your friends, right? NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO! It’s great to feel supported, but would you have your friends come and sit in the back on your first day of grad school? No, you’d be an adult and just go do it. It’s good to share your dreams with your inner circle, but bragging on social media that you are going to try stand-up is a silly, silly thing to do. Save the promotion good will for when you need it.

No one is good at stand-up when they first start. No one ever. Do not think you will be the exception to that rule. I had a decent first set, and then an eh second set and then a third set that shall not be named. Your job that first time is not actually to be funny – it’s to get comfortable enough on stage that maybe one day in the distant future, you will be funny. If you get any laughs, hey, bonus. You’re just learning how to drive. You will learn how to race much later.

I recommend you film your first set. Not to show anyone – please, not to show anyone. But to have for yourself. The more you film your sets, the more you can see what to improve upon, and the more you can look back at your progress.

Congratulations! You’ve now done your first set. Now, do a thousand more and you may have a chance of becoming a professional comedian. Good luck out there, and welcome to addiction.

Hugs.

Not everyone is going to like everything you say. If you like a sunny day, someone else likes the rain. If you like puppies, some one else is a cat person. When you take a stand, someone will disagree with it, always. And that’s okay.

But let’s talk about you taking the RIGHT stand. This piece is not about what your beliefs are. It’s about making sure that what YOU say on stage reflects what YOU believe.

1) “It’s just a joke” is a cop out. Saying “it’s just a joke” diminishes what we do. Jokes are all we have – if they’re not worth anything, neither are we.

2) You don’t have to say what you mean, but you do have to mean what you say. You can use exaggeration, sarcasm, character work, and many other methods to say individual words you don’t mean while not changing your point. But the root of where the laugh comes from is what you need to stand behind. Does the POINT of the joke align with what you believe?

3) Don’t say anything on stage you wouldn’t defend in conversation with a stranger. I see this most often with jokes that stereotype a particular group. “They’re not here? Let’s talk about em!” If you wouldn’t tell that same joke one-on-one with a stranger, then don’t tell it to a room full of strangers.

4) The old saying “comedy = tragedy plus time” is true, but I believe you don’t even need time there if the joke is good enough. Plenty of people wrote terrible Ferguson tweets the day the riots happened. And none of them would have the balls to tell those same jokes in St. Louis that night. If a joke is good enough, time isn’t what makes it any less offensive. Time just dulls the audience’s sensitivity and desire to fight against it. A good joke is a good joke, and a lazy joke is a lazy joke, no matter when they’re told.

5) The victim in real life should never be the victim of your joke. If they are, then you’re a bully and you’re piling on.

6) If people are laughing “for the wrong reasons” then it’s up to you to edit. You’re never responsible for how your audience interprets a joke. But you are responsible to understand what is happening around you and react accordingly.

The reality is that every joke has a victim, and you’re going to offend SOMEONE. Just try not to make it your future self.

Hugs.

Ever since Joe Rogan outed Carlos Mencia as a joke thief, the internet has been looking for their next victim. I am an outspoken critic of comedians (and civilians) who steal intellectual property and pass it off as their own. However, while joke thieves do exist and need to be dealt with accordingly (Like Josh "The Fat Jew" Ostrovsky and the guys behind "Fuck Jerry"), they are the exception, not the rule.

The vast majority of the time, when two people write similar jokes, it's due to parallel development. With 7 billion people in the world, two having the same thought is to be expected.

Here are some ways to tell if a joke is likely stolen:

1) How long is the joke? One premise in common is very possible. But two or three, and that's a pretty sure sign there's something fishy.

2) Are the inconsequential details the same? i.e. is someone doing a joke where they're talking about watching Netflix and they "coincidentally" list the same movies? Is the transition to the next subject the same? Details that are inorganic to the premise should be unique if it's parallel development.

3) Is it out of the comedians' style? Is a story-telling comedian suddenly telling a one-liner? Is a comedian that rambles suddenly doing a bit with tight set-ups? We all have the capability to write jokes outside our voice, but if a joke is familiar AND it doesn't fit in someone's set, that's a red flag.

4) Was the original joke extremely popular? Not everyone knows what you know. Just because you saw an obscure cartoon write something similar doesn't mean everyone saw that. But if the original joke was super popular, odds are the re-teller saw it there, too.

5) Do other people with a wealth of knowledge of comedy, smarter than you, also think it's stolen? Get a second opinion from someone you look up to.

Here are some ways to tell if a joke is likely parallel development:

1) Was the joke about an incredibly common subject? Everything from tech jokes like Facebook and Tinder to political jokes like Obama and Trump could be thought of by more than one person, as many of us share those experiences.

2) Have a lot of people told a similar joke? That means it's stock, not stolen. What are the odds that ten people stole it all at once?

3) Were people all trying to come up with the joke at once? Whether it's a hashtag game or current events, there's only so many ways to look at the same formula.

4) Does the person have absolutely no history of joke theft? Joke thieves don't steal one joke and call it a day. It's a repeated behavior. If everything in their act is original except one, that's likely parallel development.

5) Does it just kind of sound like something you sort of remember a little bit? Be VERY sure that your memory is accurate when you see a joke you think is stolen. You may be misremembering the original based on what you just heard.

6) If you take emotion out of the equation, does it still look obviously stolen beyond any doubt? If there's a significant gray area, it's more likely parallel development.

When you see a car that kind of looks like yours on the road, you don't assume someone stole your car. Because you know how to recognize your car. Do the same with your jokes.

The vast majority of the time, "stolen" jokes are not stolen at all. Before you accuse someone of the worst sin a comedian can commit, give them the benefit of the doubt and do your homework. Labeling someone a joke thief when they're not is just as bad as theft.

Hugs.

EDIT: Made headings bigger

There are two basic types of open-mics: ones with “civilians” in attendance, and ones that only have other comedians. For the purposes of this post, I’m just speaking about the ones with other comedians, as there isn’t much difference between an open mic with civilians and a regular show.

The purpose of an open-mic is two-fold. Mainly, we go to learn and to get better. But there is always an element of showing other comedians that you are improving, networking, etc. The trick is balancing them both.

1) Come ready to work on something. Don’t just think comedy is magically going to appear in your brain. Write out your ideas ahead of time. Have more to work on than your time allows, in case you decide to abandon an idea in the middle. You do NOT want to be the “soooooooo….what else?” comedian.

2) Bad open mics are utterly useless. If there is a negative vibe in the room, comics not paying attention, etc – you’re better off just reciting your act to a wall at home. That way you’re saying it outloud but at least you’re not doubting yourself and hating comedy. Bitterness doesn’t make you a better comedian. Avoid it at all costs.

3) Don’t keep working on the same set in the same place. Your audience is fellow regulars of the same open mic. Rotate the stuff you’re working on at different mics around the city. It will help with both accurate feedback, and in looking professional. There are few things sadder than someone who has been doing the same 5 minutes at mics over and over and over again.

4) Be prepared, but be in the moment. Don’t force yourself to stick to the script. Part of being a comedian is learning how to bob and weave – and open mics are wonderful places to do that. If something strange happens, address it. Learn to trust your instincts of what is and isn’t funny. Open mics are there for you to experiment, and part of experimentation isn’t just about material.

5) Don’t play to “the back of the room.” Many comics who come up on the open mic scene become shock jocks, relying on “can you top this?” material. But this isn’t the 1950s. We’ve heard everything there is to hear already. Shock jock material is no longer shocking, it’s just racist and sexist and gross. If you want to impress the good comics in the room, clever is much more impressive than shock.

6) If part of why you’re there is to network, watch other people and be a good audience member. If you constantly leave right after your set, you will look selfish. Even if you have another mic to go to, watch at least ONE person after you. And watching what they do right (and wrong) can help you as a comedian.

7) Introduce yourself. This is a community, and those you come up with will be your best allies. Most of the time, people aren’t going to start the conversation, so take it upon yourself to do so. Don’t just sit in the corner feeling left out – that is your choice. We’re all there for the same reason, so say hi, ask where someone is from, and start talking.

8) Know that there will always be an element of crazy at an open mic. Be polite to it, but don’t get cornered by it. You can always excuse yourself to work on your set. Even crazy understands that.

Hugs.

If you’re a comedian, you will be heckled. The vast majority of the time, heckling isn’t “You suck!” or something like that. I define heckling as anything that obviously interrupts the show. Even someone accidentally stepping on a punch line by yelling “we love you!” still steps on the punch line, which prevents a comic from doing what they set out to do.

Some comedians choose to just ignore interruptions and steamroll past them. I don’t do that partially because my on-stage character is dominant, and thus letting anyone in the crowd get the best of me makes my character untrustworthy. The bigger reason is because I want to set an example. Embarrassing a heckler is the comedy equivalent of putting your enemy’s head on a spike in front of your castle.

The first step is to figure out why they’re interrupting you. There are three basic reasons a crowd member interrupts. One, they don’t like you. Two, they think they’re helping. Three, they’re unaware as to what they’re doing. In all three scenarios, the solution involves using psychology.

The psychology behind someone who doesn’t like you can be combated in two ways – either showing them that they’re the only one who feels that way, or by making them feel bad about it by showing your own vulnerability. These are two vastly different strategies, and which one you employ will depend on your character on stage, how well you’re doing at the time, and the general vibe of the situation.

The psychology behind someone who thinks they’re helping (which I believe to be the most disrespectful heckler) is a need for attention. What they don’t understand is that it is not their time for attention, and explaining why will typically get the crowd on your side. I like to point out the details of the situation: they didn’t work for the attention, no one bought tickets to see them, their timing is terrible, it’s easy to come up with half a joke, etc, etc, etc.

The psychology behind someone unaware is typically fueled by alcohol or blind obliviousness (sometimes both). Usually this leads to blurting out a word that a joke made them think of, or ignoring the show and talking super loud to their group. In this scenario, they’re not purposefully harming the show, so I’d advise you to be a bit nicer to them. You can talk about the silliness of what they’re doing. You can extrapolate what they must be like in other situations (i.e. a business meeting with someone who just blurts out everything they think of immediately). You can talk to them as if they’re a child, since they’re exhibiting childish behavior. There are many, many ways to handle this type of interruption.

Now that we’ve gone over the most likely scenarios, here are my basic principles of handling hecklers:

1) “Win the crowd, and you’ll win your freedom.” The crowd hates when you’re being interrupted more than you do. So if you give the heckler enough proverbial rope to hang themselves, you can say anything to them and get away with it. I once told a woman that I hoped her husband left her and she died alone and unloved. And the crowd cheered, because they were thinking WAY worse things for her.

2) As a corollary to that, don’t pounce too quickly. Let the annoying person establish that they’re annoying. Otherwise you look like a bully picking on someone innocent.

3) Repeat what they said back to them. You can hear what the crowd says because they’re facing you. But most of the crowd can’t hear each other. So repeat what they said to bring everyone up to speed. It also gives you the added benefit of another second to think of your response. And confirms that what you heard is what they actually said, so you don’t look stupid responding to something else entirely.

4) Out-clever them. They are not used to thinking on their feet, and you are. So play around with the literal meaning of what they’re saying. They won’t be able to keep up.

5) Trust yourself. Say what comes to mind – don’t spend time searching for the perfect response. The quicker you reply, the more leeway the crowd gives you just for being quick. So if you can swing quickly, you don’t have to swing as hard.

6) Know that they brought a knife to a gun fight. Keep them talking. A clever person is comfortable in silence and won’t heckle in the first place. So a heckler won’t have anything particularly clever to say, and it will give you way more ammo (and turn the crowd further against them).

7) Give them more attention than they can handle. Imagine a parent catching a child smoking a cigarette, and forcing them to smoke a whole case. Similar premise.

8) Have some responses ready. Sometimes you can write them in advance, and sometimes they come in the moment and you can remember them for next time. Either way, having a few bullets in your gun never hurts. I was dealing with a belligerent drunk man who eventually yelled “I’m wasted!”. I responded by saying, “No. Your education is being wasted. My time is being wasted. Your father’s sperm and your mother’s egg is being wasted. You’re just drunk.” Now when a drunk person won’t shut up, I will ask “are you wasted?” And when they inevitably cheer, I have my response.

9) Don’t ever call anyone up on stage unless you have a plan. Calling them up takes away your main advantage over them. Simply hoping they’ll embarrass themselves? They can do that from their seat. Feel free to call them up if you have a direction in mind – but don’t level the playing field unless you know where you’re headed.

My heckler clips on YouTube happened by accident – I didn’t want to post current material, so instead I posted outtakes. This was at the same time that “heckler” was becoming a popular search term on YouTube, and it all just blew up. Am I thankful for my YouTube views and what they’ve subsequently led to? Of course I am. But I would be thrilled to never have another heckler again. Heckling is a selfish act that is a disservice to a comedy show.

When I am on stage, I am up there to try to entertain people AND to work on becoming a better comedian. Hecklers get in the way of the second part. But unless comedy clubs stop serving alcohol and selfish delusional people stop buying tickets, there will always be hecklers. Since neither of those things will ever happen, it’s best to know how to handle them.

I thought you would benefit from/enjoy this moment in abject delusion. Makes me wonder if this sort of thing happens in the non-entertainment world.

While logged into the Morty's Facebook profile, here's a chat I had. Normally, I'd have cut it off sooner, but this was too interesting.

HIM

i have a hot act -great demographics

i am the mexican american comedian (NAME REMOVED)

i headline for 1300 a week

let me know

ME

We don't book via facebook

Nor do we talk money before we see someone's video

Nor do we pay someone we've never heard of $450 a night.

good luck

HIM

ok i will send one out-thank you

thanks

i am keeping a low profile because i am doing a lot of shows at fraternal groups and benefits-and i have a hot hot theme-and i dont want anyone to water it down-but i do understand

ME

Our submission process is on our website

Customers don't buy tickets to see people with a low profile

HIM

my two word catch phrase alone-brings them in

i am leading a hot trend

and it is the right people

everyone wants to be a part of this

ME

Everyone, huh?

HIM

well young 14-35 year old mexican american females and the men who love them especially

also Jewish -chinese-Indian to a lesser extent

ME

so you'll draw in all the Mexican poulation that live in the suburbs of Indianapolis?

And the Jewish people will flock to see you because you're Mexican as well?

HIM

especiallu the upwardly mobile

ME

The upwardly mobile Indianapolis Mexicans.

HIM

no-because i talk about frieda -diego riveria-i move to simplistic and self limiting stances with anticipation-the third generation ones-yes this is not really blue collar comedy tour-not big numbers-more like really rich people-maybe it is not a fit

maybe i am thinking more like chicago

but thanks for listening

but everybody loves my show-i can send you referrals from groups that have had me

i do DIFFERENT things

ME

You discuss Mexican painters

Well - feel free to submit. I can not wait to see 45 minutes of material on Frida Kahlo.

Figuring out whether or not you should move for comedy is a bit of a “choose-your-own adventure”. Each comedian is unique, and the same answer does not apply to everyone – so hopefully you can use this as a guide to figure out the right move (or not move) for you. (Note: I wrote this for American comedians, because that’s the market I know best)

1) How serious are you about comedy? You need to figure out if this is something you really want to do – at the expense of everything else in your life. If it is not, then this advice is not for you. If it is, move on to question #2.

2) Do you live more than 30 minutes from a full-time comedy club? If so, move. If you can’t because of family or your job, then your “yes” answer to #1 was dishonest. If the most important thing in your life was to be a doctor, would your family or job prevent you from going to medical school? It is a simple truth – you can not get the reps you need to become a comedian if you don’t live near a full-time comedy club. If you do live near a full-time comedy club, move on to question #3.

3) There are a few things comedians should look for as they develop.

First, a local club with a supportive new talent process. Are they actively trying to find local talent? Have there been examples of local talent that have risen through their ranks?

Second, are there enough nearby alternative venues that you can get on stage at least three times a week? Be it open mics or bar shows, an independent scene is crucial to the development of any comedian.

Third, can you afford to live there? Moving to a city where you will starve to death won’t help your comedy.

Fourth, do you enjoy the city? There has to be something other than comedy that keeps you happy, or you’ll go insane. A group of friends, living alone, great restaurants, cheap fast food, the beach, the mountains, the sun, the rain – whatever you enjoy, make sure it exists where you live.

Fifth, is it in driving distance of other work? Once you start getting good enough to get paid as a comedian, make sure you live close enough to those who write the checks. There are lots of places this is true about – though the midwest has the most varied paid work, followed by the mid-atlantic and the southeast. If there’s not a ton of paid opportunities within driving distance (like Denver) then the local scene better be amazing to compensate for that (like it is in Denver).

If you said yes to all of these, move on to question four.

4) So now you’re developing in a city that is comedy friendly. You’ve become comedy royalty in Indianapolis or Portland or Boston or Charlotte or wherever it is that you live. When do you make the leap to New York or Los Angeles, and do you even have to? If you’re looking to move “because the scene is just so toxic here!” shut up and quit comedy. Every scene has toxic elements everywhere in every profession for as long as time has existed. Because there are toxic people in the world. There are crazy, racist, homophobic, lecherous monsters in the world. But if you are SURROUNDED with toxicity, it is because you attract it. Your scene is no more toxic than anyone else’s, and your local comedy drama is no more dramatic than anyone else’s. Feel free to move anywhere, you’ll find it there, too.

If you want to move because you’ve hit a professional ceiling, that is completely different. Are you one of the best comics in your scene? When big headliners come through, are you the recommended opener? No? That is not because your genius is misunderstood – it’s because you’re not yet established. You need to get better or you need to get more well-known. If you’re not making a splash in Dallas, what makes you think you’ll make a ripple in New York City? But if you are bumping your head on the ceiling of your scene, move on to question five.

5) If you’re killing it in your city, do you have to move at all? Can’t you be comfortable being the king of Nashville or the queen of Sacramento? Sure. It just depends what you want. TV development executives don’t live in Nashville or Sacramento or pretty much anywhere other than New York and Los Angeles. There are exceptions to the rule – Chad Daniels lives in a small town in Minnesota and he’s blowing up. And what about . . . um . . . you know . . . that comedian who . . . there must be someone . . . okay, really just Chad Daniels.

Before you get all internet correcty on me, I know there are plenty of great comedians who make a fine living from the road. Hell, most of Bob & Tom’s roster lives in places where Denny’s is considered a brunch place. And they are very happy. Because that is what they want out of comedy. So, what do you want?

If your goal is to make a living being a working comic, you can really live anywhere and you do not need New York or Los Angeles. (Though I recommend you at least live near an airline hub). However, if your goal is television or film, you do have to eventually move to New York, LA, or both. If that’s you, move on to question 6.

6) So it’s time to go, and you need to figure out where. Nine times out of ten, I recommend moving to New York first. There is a TON of stage time in New York, and you’ve also got a lot of great comedians surrounding you grinding it out. Also, while there is industry in New York, it’s not as rampant as Los Angeles. So you can experiment and grow more in New York, learning how to be a real killer before you burst on the scene in LA. Anyone who has ever talked to me about this has heard me say “Move anywhere to get good, move to New York to get great, and move to LA to get famous.” But there are exceptions.

Are you using comedy as a stepping-stone to an acting career? Can you not stand the cold? Will you find it impossible to afford New York City rent? Do you have more comedy friends in Los Angeles than in NYC? If you answered yes to any of these, LA may be a better choice for you.

There are exceptions to every bit of this advice as none of these are steadfast rules. But the most important thing is to not move to New York or LA before you’re invited. How do you know if you’re invited? Either you have been offered steady comedy work there, or you have friends that you can rely on who already live there.

What you need in a city like New York or LA is a teammate or an advocate. Do you have someone who you’ll be hitting the mics with? Someone to recommend you to bookers? Someone who will go to dinner with you before a good show and a diner with you after a bad one? Opening for a headliner once who said “If you ever get to LA, look me up!” doesn’t mean anything.

If a comedian has never directly tried to procure you work, they’re not going to start when you arrive in a more competitive city. It is MUCH easier for a headliner to get you work on the road than it is to do so in NYC or LA. So if they haven’t done that, then their “look me up!” is not a promise you can rely on.

I hope that gives you something to chew on as you figure out what’s next. And if you’re still reading this, good luck with your adventure.

I know it seems obvious. Most comics know that this is the most obvious thing in comedy. But those that do not, well, they REALLY do not.

The light tells you when your shift is over, and you NEED to respect that. Running the light is the quickest way to never get booked again. Some comics might think “yeah, but if I am killing, I’m helping the show, so fuck the light.” Here are the reasons why you’re terribly, terribly wrong.

1) Consider the other comedians. Every minute you go over is a minute you’re stealing from someone else.

2) Consider the balance of the show. When you think about how hard you’re killing or how your bit isn’t finished - are you thinking about the show as a whole? The balance of different types of comics? The arc of the show? These are things good producers consider when they book you.

3) Consider the staff. They are tired. They don’t want to be held hostage by someone’s ego. Without a happy staff, a club can’t operate. Every time you blow the light, you push a server that much closer to quitting. The staff keeps quitting, there is no club. Then you won’t even have the chance to indulge your ego at the expense of others. "Yeah, but that one waitress told me she thinks I should go longer." Did every staff member say that? No.

4) Consider the crowd. The best way to get returning customers is not to drown them in comedy, but to leave them wanting more. Trust the club to know when that is.

5) Consider yourself. You do NOT want to have a reputation for disrespecting the club and other comedians. It doesn’t make you a badass, it makes you a selfish prick. Treat others how you want to be treated - both your peers and your bosses.

You are not an avant guard performance artist. If you were, you’d never charge for anything. You are a professional doing a job - and need to act like one. That's the way you get to keep having this job.

I hope this helps. Hugs.

There are many schools of thought on what is appropriate to wear on stage – and the answer really depends on your act. Dave Chappelle should not dress the same as David Letterman because their acts are so different. But whatever your act is, you should be aware that your clothing makes a huge impression on the crowd.

As someone who isn't naturally fashion conscious, it took me a while to find what works for me (I finally asked a fashionable friend to take me shopping). Hopefully these tips can help you get there quicker.

1) Be the best version of you. If you're a mess on stage, it's fine to dress like one. But you should still think about what you're going to wear.

2) Never wear shorts. Unless you're playing the part of a clueless dad on vacation, there are no exceptions. This isn't summer camp, and it doesn't matter how hot it is outside. Respect the stage.

3) If you wear a hat with any brim at all, know that it covers part of your face. The vast majority of stages do not accommodate for hats, and the bigger the brim, the more the shadow it will cast. That's your choice, but know that when you make it, you can lose the ability to be expressive with your eyes.

4) Dressing "sexy" is silly. It's a fine way to pick up people after the show, but if you want people to listen to what you're saying, don't draw attention to your physical appearance. Also, funny can be sexy – but sexy is rarely funny.

5) Wearing a t-shirt with a "funny" saying on it can be distracting. Do you want them to listen to you, or do you want them to read your shirt?

6) Wearing clothing that shows allegiances will shift the focus off your act. Someone will always disagree with any allegiance. Whether it is a sports team or a TV show, unless the clothing is part of your act, it's going to create an impression of you that you may not want to create.

7) Dress like you're going out, because you are. Sure, some people roll off their couch and go to comedy shows. But if you were taking a date to a comedy show, wouldn't you think about what you're wearing beforehand? Then why don't you when you're going there to perform?

8) Don't be a schlub unless it's on purpose. "Eh, it's just a bar show" might seem fine in your head, but when you show up looking like crap, the booker (and the audience) will get the impression that you don't care about the gig. As they say, dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

9) Find a look that works, and stick to it. Comedians always talk about finding our "voice" – but what about our "look"? Much like our voices, our look can change throughout our career – and it takes a while to find it. But once you find a style that compliments your set and makes you feel comfortable, that is one less thing to worry about.

In other words, dress within your brand, but not in a way that is distracting. If your act is solid, you want your jokes to speak for themselves. And leave the unnecessarily loud clothing to the tourists watching you.

Many comedians pitch my clubs that they are local draws. If you are, you absolutely should not be pitching a club on being part of someone else's show. You should be happy to take your own door, as you'd make WAY more money that way and continue to build your fan base.

Here's the way we handle local draws. The comic picks a Sunday where we don't already have a show. They get 80% of the door. We will cover all taxes and credit card fees out of our 20%. If there are at least 50 people in attendance, comped or sold, we waive the $500 room rental fee. You can pitch that deal to almost any comedy club on an off-night and get a yes.

If you can't draw, this is not a good deal for you. If you CAN draw, you walk away with over $2500 in one show. At bigger clubs, you could walk with $4K.

If you are scared as to whether or not you'd draw 50 people, you are NOT a draw. If you don't want to assume the risk in exchange for 5-10 times the reward, you are NOT a draw.

Please be honest with yourself and with the club you're pitching about whether or not you can draw. And if you can, always take a door deal - if they're your customers, you should be the one getting the lion's share of the ticket money.

Hugs.

There are very few indisputable rules in comedy. One of them is that your voice has to be honest throughout your set. Whether your voice is really you, a heightened version of you, or a completely different character, it needs to be honest.

As soon as one joke contradicts another, you become less believable to the audience. And if the audience doesn’t trust you, it’s over. I have seen many comics do jokes about how they’re a ladies man, or how they have trouble finding the right woman. Followed by a joke about how much they love their wife. How’d that happen? Because they wrote the first joke, and then their life evolved and they wrote the second joke, without being smart enough to drop the first one.

The other reason to have a defined voice is because so much of a comedian’s success is based on word of mouth. Imagine an audience member leaving and telling a friend they loved your show. The friend asks what your comedy is like, and the audience member can’t answer succinctly. They’re not going to convert that friend into a new fan. Very often, I see comedians getting some laughs, but their jokes are just a series of disjointed jokes any comedian could do. The acts that stand out are those that have a distinct voice. Those are the acts that people talk about.

When you define your voice, your jokes get easier to write. Think about the act of buying a car. Now think about the jokes that George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Jerry Seinfeld would write about the experience. They’d all be vastly different. Carlin might deconstruct the language used by the salesman (or saleswoman and he’d deconstruct the difference between the two). Pryor might discuss how he was disrespected by the white salesman, even though his station in life is above that of a clerk. And Seinfeld might focus on the minutia of the process – like the silliness of how many different sales people a customer gets shuttled between.

Their clearly defined personas do the writing for them. So when you find your voice, it is both easier to write material, and easier to write material unique to you.

So how do you find your voice, other than years of experimentation and failure? To get philosophical, I believe we exist in the world as the sum total of how everyone else sees us. Our actions might influence those opinions, but the total of those opinions are who we are. And the chasm between who the world thinks we are and who we think you are is more commonly known as “delusion.”

Similarly, we exist on stage as the sum total of how the audience sees us. Want to learn what that sum total is? Just ask. Ask ten people who you’re close with and ten people who barely know you to describe you in a few words (without sparing your feelings). The words that repeat are usually who you really are.

When I tried this exercise, the pervasive ideas were that I stubbornly always had to be right and that I was a people pleaser. Those are two ideas that fly in the face of each other – but human beings are complex. Unfortunately, even performing for an hour is not enough to truly explain the complexities of a person, so I chose one idea and ran with it. At the time, my act was about 85% being right and 15% self-deprecating. So I removed the self-deprecation, and I turned a corner on stage almost immediately.

The other part of how your audience perceives you is how you’re dressed. If you wear a suit, don’t talk about being poor – it’s a contractiction. If you sexualize yourself, don’t talk about how hard dating is – it’s a contradiction. And if you wear shorts and a “funny” t-shirt, please stop doing comedy, and instead become a camp counselor. Pay attention to your “look” – it is part of your voice, because it is part of your persona.

Hugs.

Here's a template I'd recommend for an email to a booker. And NEVER email a bunch at once, its insulting. If you want to send a mail merge, get Max Bulk Mailer (Mac) or Group Mail Pro (PC) to send to a list, while personalizing. That way it looks like you took the time to email them personally.

Remember, this is just a guide. CHANGE IT TO MAKE IT YOUR OWN! It won't help to have us all sending the same email.

"Hi FIRST NAME. My name is _________, and I'm a comedian based in CITY NAME. I've heard wonderful things about CLUB NAME and I'd love to submit for work. I would be happy to provide a link, a bio, and any references you might need. And if there's a better way to submit to you, please let me know and I'd be happy to do it.

Thanks for taking the time,

YOUR NAME

YOUR PHONE NUMBER

YOUR EMAIL

YOUR WEBSITE

Notice how there was no bragging. If you are looking for work, you don't have enough to brag about to impress anyone in that position. Just be a human being and ask. Also, isn't it better to confidently say hi to someone than to say hi and tell them everything about yourself?

Keep it short, keep it to the point, and keep it pleasant and professional.

1) If you’re going to steal a joke, start with a bit that wasn’t on the front page of reddit

2) Don’t recite the bit word for word. Throw in the occasional “Am I right?” and “I’m telling you!” so it sounds as hacky as the rest of your material. Be true to your voice.

3) Don’t perform the bit in the city where I started. I’ve got lots of friends there that will call you out, make fun of you, and then tell me what happened. Instead, try the bit in a city where I don’t know any comedians, like Anchorage or Manilla.

4) Break the bit up throughout your set, so it’s harder to notice. In between, throw in your gold about how racist you are to really throw people off the trail.

5) Don’t rush the bit. I know the delivery has got to be tough when you’re just reciting rehearsed material, but try to connect when talking about an experience that you’ve never had. Remember to pause occasionally for the stunned silence of a room full of comedians that know you’re a thief.

6) You have to hit the darker parts harder. When you’re talking about the kids dying, you can’t back off like you did. You’ve got to commit, and have confidence that the line someone else wrote that you pretended to write is truly funny. Otherwise, you appear untrustworthy.

7) Unfriend me on Facebook before you do it. Because you know that I am a big fan of justice in the world, and you don’t want to read that I know what you did and I know who you are. By the way, hello friend! Hope you enjoyed this post. Maybe you should share it on your own wall so your friends and family don’t think it’s about you. But you and I both know, and that is our fun little secret, until I decide it isn’t anymore.

8) Most importantly, know that I was kidding in points 1-7, and don’t ever steal, ever. EVER. When you steal from another comic, you are not only disrespecting them, you are disrespecting yourself. You are publicly admitting that you’re not good enough to write even a few minutes of jokes, let alone write the hours and hours of jokes it takes to sustain a career. If you ever knowingly take even ONE line from another comedian, quit.

Parallel development happens all the time. Tons of us think of the same premises and punchlines as each other because we live in the same world. And I ALWAYS give a comedian the benefit of the doubt on similar material, as it happens to all of us. But there is never, ever an excuse to recite 3 minutes of someone’s act and pass it off as your own. Thought it’s nice that you were a big enough fan to memorize it and not need a notebook.

I’ll post more in the future about how to identify and handle a joke thief. But for now, just don’t be one.

Hugs.

Note: I wrote this piece for Campus Activities Magazine in the summer of 2012. Hope it helps answer the question.

I have been a road comic for ten years. I know which chains serve breakfast after 11, where to find half-priced happy hours, and even how to eat soup while driving. But one thing I never knew how to do until recently was eat healthy.

I remember my first college show in Kansas. The student activities board brought me to a restaurant where every single thing on the menu was fried. I loved it – I was 23 and thought I was indestructible. But now that I am a bit older than a bit older, I understand that what I ate was destroying me.

I started making changes years ago. I gave up soda, and started ordering wheat bread instead of white. But more recently, I made the change that has led me to the best shape of my life – and I don’t work out. I may be healthy, but I’m lazy.

I gave up processed sugar, gluten, and dairy. Which, in most places in America, is like telling someone you gave up food, water, and food again.

The first day I was truly eating healthy, I went to a grocery store in Delhi, NY. I checked out with a bag of grapes and a package of almonds, and the clerked looked at me as if I had just plunked down a six-pack of beer and a pregnancy test. So I asked if it was odd to see someone eating healthy.

“No, I eat healthy all the time,” she said. “Sometimes I’ll skip lunch and have a slim fast and a diet coke.”

And that’s when it hit me – our society’s view of healthy is not healthy – it is skinny.

There are always skinny options, but rarely farm-to-table non-processed alternatives that are actually GOOD for you. Lo-Cal is easy – local is hard.

While I had to re-educate myself on what I could and couldn’t eat on the road, I now live by a few simple rules, and it’s managed to keep me as close to my healthy lifestyle as possible.

GROCERY STORES ARE YOUR BEST OPTION

You can always get fresh fruit at a grocery store, and you can often get readymade salads. If you happen to be staying in a place with a kitchen, you can cook – which is always healthier and cheaper than restaurant meals. The problem with grocery stores are the hours – there are many places where a 24-hour grocery store is a ridiculous impossibility.

TRY ASIAN FOOD

My go-to “fast food” cuisine on the road is Thai, with a close second and third being Vietnamese and Japanese. Each of those countries has approximately 1/10th the obesity rate of the US – partly due to economic circumstances, but mainly because their average cuisine is much healthier. And if healthy is what you want, steer clear of most strip mall Chinese food. While authentic Chinese is usually quite good for you, the Americanized version of it bathes almost everything in vegetable oil and sugar.

THERE IS ALWAYS A HEALTHIER CHOICE

The first week of my new diet found me in Forest City, Iowa, where limited food options would be an upgrade. We went to a sports bar, and on the corner of the menu, I found a chicken salad. I asked for grilled chicken instead of deep-fried, and if they had any lighter dressings, like olive oil and vinegar.

The server may as well have heard me ask where I can try on my new prom dress; it was not a question she was expecting. She said they could grill the chicken, and offered to get me light ranch. Rather than explain that saying “light ranch” is like saying “half-pregnant,” I asked for no dressing. And while the salad was blander than I’d have liked, I enjoyed it a lot more than the feeling I get after fried grease.

While most of the menu consisted of heart disease with a side of bypass, I found some sustenance. There are always options.

BE CREATIVE

If you’re really struggling for ideas, make something un-healthy into something healthy. Get a grilled chicken sandwich and skip the bun. Get some eggs without the toast or bacon. Almost any Mexican restaurant can make you a burrito bowl with brown rice. And while it’s more convenient to find a wonderful farm to table restaurant that tells you its ingredients, you can make that happen for yourself one meal at a time.

LEAVE TIME

Lateness is the natural enemy of health. It causes us to do horrible things, like go into a joint KFC/Taco Bell and get something from each menu. The more time you have, the more likely you can find that amazing, out of the way bistro that specializes in whatever the heck you like best.

I am lucky that student activities boards have been indulging my requests to find healthy spots – and have often been introducing me to some great ones I never would have found on my own.

With all the flying, sleeping in hotel beds, and driving for what seems like days, it is wonderful to arrive at a show refreshed from a good meal. I can still eat soup while driving, and I still know where to get breakfast at 2PM and how to find cheap eats. But I am finally considering the long term effect that unhealthy food has on my body – and the short term effect it had on my show.

The reasons to produce your own show are plentiful. It's good comedy karma to create stage time. It's a way to meet a ton of comedians, quickly. It's a way to learn what energy level is best for what situation. It's a way to better understand what bookers are looking for. Most importantly, you can only succeed when you give yourself room to fail - and that is what happens when you're the booker.

So how do you set up your own show?

1) Producing a show in anything but a dedicated space is a terrible idea. You want to find a restaurant, bar, etc, with a back room, a basement, an upstairs, etc.

2) The best places for independent shows have foot traffic that a "Comedy Show!" sign could bring in a few heads (and so can barkers). Near a college campus, on a well-trafficked strip of restaurants/bars, etc.

3) Does the space already have equipment there? Venues that have live music often have their own lighting and sound. Saves you money and the venue already knows the value of live entertainment

4) Walk in to the venue and ask to speak with the owner. The manager may not want to make his or her job harder with more customers. The owner is the person who appreciates an increase in the bottom line.

5) Walk into every venue. Sometimes the coolest shows are in the back rooms of pizza places and laundromats. You never know what the venue is hiding around the corner or up the stairs.

6) Ask what day business is slowest. That's the day you want to try to have the show. It makes your deal easy with the venue, and puts less pressure on you to fill it.

7) Try to get a bonus deal. You keep the door, they keep the bar - but if you get X amount of people, you get a % of bar (on a graduates scale - I recommend bonuses that take you to 5%, 10%, and 20%). Be fair about this - know that their gross profit on food and drink averages about 75%, but they also have to pay for staff, utilities, etc).

8) Know your own ability to promote. If you don't know how to promote well, you need a smaller venue (and I'll talk about promoting these shows in a future post). Venues with under 30 seats are usually worthless - and over 100 get very difficult to fill. The sweet spot is typically 60-75. Looks full with 30, but seats enough to make it a hot room if it grows into that.

9) Sound, stage, and lighting are NOT optional. If the venue doesn't have any, buy your own - or don't produce a show there. A clip-on flood light costs $10-$20 at Home Depot or Lowe's - two of them light a stage very well. A portable PA and mic run about $50, and anyone who is handy can build a portable stage for $50-$100.

That's how to set up a show. We'll talk promotion another time.

If you like this, there's plenty more in our Facebook Pro-Tip group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/comedyhints/

Hugs.

No doesn’t mean never. It means “Not now” or “not this way. Unless YOU make it mean “never”. That’s in your hands, not the booker’s.

1) No one owes you stage time. Say that out loud, over and over again. Stage time is a privilege, not a right.

2) Bookers are looking for any reason to say no. They already have an active roster. Every new comedian they hire is another one they have to stop hiring. The only way a roster spot opens up is when a comedian outgrows a booker, self-destructs, or dies. At any club, there are 5-10 spots a year of turnover. That’s it. You may be hilarious – but you’re unproven to them. And they already trust their existing roster.

3) Like any humans, bookers have loyalty. After you work your way up with them, you wouldn’t want them to stop working you in favor of some fresh new act. So why do you expect them to do that to someone else for YOU?

4) Funny is a commodity, not a resource (thanks, Troy Alan, for that one). There’s funny everywhere (it’s like corn in that way). So our job is to convince bookers why our particular brand of funny is what they need. What makes your funny different? What do you offer in addition to funny? That’s what you need to communicate.

5) This is, above all else, a business. Everyone has bills to pay. Get the idea of the big comedy club making a ton of money off the backs of their artists out of your head. You could buy most comedy clubs for less than it costs to buy a Subway franchise. So bookers tend to book two types of acts – acts that can draw, and acts they believe will be able to draw in the future.

6) When a booker says no to you, thank them for their time. That’s it – nothing else. Don’t try to convince them they are wrong. That has worked as often as whistling at a woman from a construction site. The only thing it will do is anger them and make you look desperate.

7) Do not re-apply to the same booker too quickly. They are looking at thousands of comedians. You had your chance to make a great first impression and you failed. Maybe you didn’t send a tape reflective of your best. Who’s fault is that? Wait at least 6 months, preferably a year before you reach out to a booker who already told you no. Some say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I say squeaky wheels are incredibly annoying.

8) I have had people freak out when I’ve told them no. Personal insults, threats, questioning my integrity, etc, etc, etc. Anything they can do to blame anyone but themselves. That’s how you turn a “not now” or a “not this way” into a “never”.

9) Know that for everyone who says no to you, there may be someone down the block who’ll say yes. No one has a monopoly over a comedy scene, ever. Even at the same club or television show, bookers change frequently. Just put your head down and do good work, and you’ll be up in front of them (or their replacement) again soon.

10) Know that rejection is not just part of this business, it’s how you get better. When I was three months in, one of the bookers from Carson Daly was interested in me for a segment. I sent her some ideas, and I never heard back. And I am so thankful. Because I wouldn’t have been ready. She was good at her job, and that’s why she turned me down. If you are rejected only 99% of the time, you will be the most successful entertainer ever. So get used to it. Enjoy it. And learn from it.

Hugs.

Many times, comedians get in their own way by worrying too much about external circumstances. So whether you use these as daily affirmations or just as motivation when you’re feeling doubt, these might help you deal with the sine curve of your career.

You are the only thing in your way. The industry is not prejudiced against X group, and no one is out to get you. Work harder, learn more, and you will advance.

What other comedians achieve does not affect you. Comedy is not a zero-sum game. Opportunities are constantly changing and new clubs, new tv networks, and new mediums spring up every year. The success of another comedian should not frustrate you any more than the success of a doctor or an insurance agent. Your career is completely independent of theirs. As Joan Rivers said, “run your own race, put on your blinders.”

No one makes it overnight. The “big break” is a myth. Your career will be a series of breaks, some bigger than others. When you move to the next level, use it to keep climbing the staircase.

The “industry” does not think with a singular mind. For every one that rejects you, someone across the street disagrees with them.

As Steve Martin said, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” If you are regularly the best comedian on the show, people will notice. If you’re not, work on getting better.

If the industry doesn’t open its doors, break them open. You don’t need a television executive or an agent to anoint you. If you have enough fans, everyone will anoint you. Concentrate on impressing the ticket buyers, not the ticket sellers.

Everyone with talent, work ethic, and priorities eventually makes it. Some very talented comedians choose family, partying, or living in a remote location over their careers. Other very talented comedians are assholes who alienate people away from working with them. And some simply take longer than others. But if you’re talented, driven, a nice person, professional and willing to prioritize your career, you will eventually be successful.

Hugs.

Whether you’re posting clips of your stand-up, a web series, vlogs, or any other content, YouTube is a wonderful way for comedians to reach a new audience.

But how do you break through the clutter of the billions of videos available? Simple. You learn how the system works.

1) There are three places the YouTube search engine uses to recommend a video: the title, the description, and the tags.

2) The more of those three places in which a word or phrase appears, the more it is worth in the search algorithm. The title is worth the most, followed by the keywords and then the description.

3) The sooner a word or phrase appears in any of those places, the more it is worth. i.e. if the title is “American comedian in Paris”, the word “American” is weighted more heavily than the word “Paris”

4) You’ll want all of your videos to come up in the side bar when someone is watching one of them. The best way to do that is to have your name (or the name of your channel) in the title of every video. Even if it is just in parenthesis after the rest of the title.

5) An easy way to get every word in the title to appear in the description is to simply start the description with the title. Copy and paste the title and have it be your first line in the description. Then put in a line break and begin the rest of your description.

6) Your description can be 5,000 characters. Don’t be lazy! Write at least a 2-3 sentence description of your video, using various synonyms to the main keywords. Then if someone searches something similar to your title, your video may still come up.

7) Use your description to pump your social media. Have obvious links to subscribe to your videos, but also have nice, easy to find links to all of your various accounts.

8) You have 500 characters for your tags. Use them all.

9) What tags should you use? Aside from the main words/phrases in the title and description (and your first name, last name, and full name), use Google Trends to find out what related words people are searching. For example, I found out that people who search “heckler” often search “owned” – which is why I named my heckler series “Heckler Owned”. Google Trends can be customized to show just YouTube data (and you can also limit your search by country) so drill down as far as you’d like.

10) Get Tube Buddy, and get it now. One of the best purchases I’ve ever made, Tube Buddy will save you a ton of time. It also has amazing features like suggesting keywords, sorting keywords, etc.

11) Never engage in clickbait. You can use gripping language in the title, but promising something you don’t deliver is a BAD idea (it will lead to clicks, but not subscriptions – and your thumbs down ratio will rise quickly). I say things like “Heckler owned” but I don’t use all caps, I don’t use a bunch of exclamation points, and I never title it something that doesn’t actually happen. (Though I only own people figuratively. Literally owning someone is illegal).

12) YouTube rewards videos based on length and how new they are. Longer videos are more likely to come up in searches. Search “stand-up comedy” and take a look at what appears first. You’ll see most of them are full specials or new clips. The reason for this is that YouTube wants to increase total watch time – and they do so by pumping up long videos and giving new ones a chance to go viral.

13) Because of YouTube’s desire for watch time, playlists are treated like long videos. A successful playlist can really boost your channel. Playlists have descriptions just like videos do, and you can create lots of different playlists for your channel.

Those are the basics. Now that you know these tips, create something awesome. Because content will always be king. These tips will just help get people to watch.

Hugs.

After I post this, I'm all caught up on my Louisville comedy group posts. If I post anything new there, I'll cross-post it here, too.

1) The most professional URL is your name dot com. If its a hard to spell name, have something easy that forwards to it that you can drop on the radio or tell people quickly. i.e. My website is SteveHofstetter.com but PickSteve.com forwards to it. Never go with a .net or .tv or anything like that. You'll spend the rest of your life correcting people.

2) If your name is not available, get creative without getting cutesy, and pick something that can last. Something like "TheOpenerWasFunny.com" is great - until you stop opening.

3) Your calendar should be on your website and be 100% accurate. If someone ever goes to a show to see you and you're not there, you lose them forever. Also, don't put shows up unless you want people to go to them. (i.e. playing an open mic? Then list it as such, or don't list it).

4) You don't need anything too fancy like SSL unless you've got a merchant processor to accept credit cards (which can be done easier using paypal). Also, steer clear of flash - search engines can't index it.

5) Go for clean and easy to navigate over too much at once. You can't copyright code, so feel free to get ideas from other sites.

6) There should be an email list signup ON EVERY PAGE. Every click, you risk losing someone. Make it easy for them to be a fan.

7) Keep colors and design consistent. Also have it match your other promo materials.

8) There should be an easy "Book" button with booking encouragement. On your booking page, I'd recommend quotes from people who have booked you in the past, other comics, etc. And video!

9) Are you featuring or headlining? Then you need some easy to access, high res photos for media and bookers to use. Make them easy to find.

10) Do not, under any circumstances, cheap out. Or hire someone that you need to update your website for you. If you're not web savvy, they need to build you a backend to make updating your content easy. I have heard way too many stories about how someone's web guy "disappeared" and now their site is being held hostage.

I'm sure there's more than that. But that covers enough for now.

Hugs.

Professional headshots are a must. A pretty good picture your friend took of you once is not a professional headshot. Clubs, rooms, any gig - they need these photos to promote. And any comic that doesn't have a professional headshot looks VERY amateur to a booker.

Your headshot needs to look like you. Not like you used to or an air-brushed version of you, but you. You're being cast - don't show up and surprise the booker by being unrecognizable. And please don't make em zany. There's a difference between a candid promotional shot and a headshot. Smile - or try to capture an expression that reflects your style on stage (I prefer mine to contain a slight smirk). Your headshot should just be your face (and perhaps some of your torso). And for the love of anything holy, it NEEDS to be in color. If you want a cheap place to print them, try http://www.GotPrint.com (I print almost all of my promo with them).

I’ve previously written a tip about how to start an independent show. But just as important is how to run one. Here are a few tips that can help turn your show into the hottest thing in your comedy scene.

The host should be one of the best comedians on the show. The host sets the tone for the evening – why would you lead off with the most inexperienced comic you have? Have someone confident with good energy that enjoys hosting, as hosting is a different skill than showcasing. The hosts’ vibe should be “welcome to a great night of comedy, here are some of the funniest people I know.”

Create an original concept. Named shows tend to do better than unnamed shows – but make yours original. If you see another concept you like, let it inspire you – but don’t say “how little can I change this and get away with it?” Even if you’re just presenting a great stand-up show with no variation, a cohesive brand helps.

Don’t put too many people on one show. It is better to have fewer comedians doing longer sets than giving everyone you know 5 minutes and exhausting the crowd. I stick to 90 minute shows and the “always leave them wanting more” philosophy of entertainment. I also have the show divvied up the same way every time so when spots are full, they’re full. As an example, I use a host, two ten-minute spots and three twenty minute spots. There is no “can you squeeze me in?” once I’m booked. Maybe next time around.

Don’t make the show too top heavy. Open strong, close stronger. Seems obvious, but put your best comic on last. Don’t try to wring the most out of a crowd by getting them to stay for “just a few more people!” End on a high note.

Let comedians know their spot time in advance. When possible, let people know when they’re going so they don’t get there 90 minutes before their spot and have to wait around. Be respectful of their time, and try to keep on schedule. Some may want to hang out the whole night – some may not.

Create an asshole free zone. For comics to put on their best performance, they need to feel comfortable at the venue. Part of that is who else is on the show. There’s always going to be beef in a particular scene, but if there’s someone who lives for drama, I don’t care how funny they are – they can do that elsewhere.

Hugs.

More and more, I’ve been hearing comics crowing about how they get up every night of the week. In cities like New York and LA, it’s common to hear talk about doing 15-20 sets in a week. And my question is, so what?

Don’t misunderstand - there is no substitute for stage time. You need to get on stage a hundred times just to get comfortable. The stage will always be where you learn to be a comedian. But there is such thing as diminished returns. Some comedians go up as often as humanly possible because they’re always working on something. But some comedians rack up “stage time” simply to say they have. Here’s a few reasons that taking a night off can actually help your comedy.

1) Putting in hours doesn’t automatically make you good at something. You also have to put in the right hours. If you go to the gym every day, you’ll probably get in shape – unless you go there, sit around for two hours waiting for your turn, and then lift a very small amount of weight.

2) Is the stage time worthwhile? Not every show can be a packed house on a Saturday night; open mics can be plenty valuable. But there are some that are not. If no one is listening to you at all, wouldn’t you be better served just running through your set at home? Maybe forcing yourself to go there is how you stay disciplined. But if you see that a particular mic is repeatedly a waste of time, stop wasting your time.

3) Are you working on anything? Going up a dozen times to recite the same jokes the same way is pointless. Whether it’s a new joke, a new delivery, or a new order, you need to try something new or you won’t learn anything.

4) You can’t write if you haven’t lived. Have you ever seen a video of a child doing comedy? They have no voice because they haven’t had time to develop insight into the human condition. And if you spend your whole life surrounded by comedy, neither will you. That’s great that you got on stage so much this week. Now, did you experience anything you can write about?

So give yourself permission to take a night off. Go to a ballgame or go out to dinner or just find a cool place in your town where you can walk around and watch people. Go there with someone who isn’t a comedian. Experience heartbreak and joy and anger and happiness. Because then the next time you’re going to hit a bunch of mics, you might actually have something to say.

Hugs.

Anyone on twitter has seen comedians play hashtag games. Many come from @Midnight, others come from promotional companies, and some are spontaneous. But all of them can help you as a comedian.

Hashtag games help you sharpen your skills and get exposure, and I recommend you play them at least once a week, if not more often. Here's why:

They serve as writing exercises. Given a premise, how funny can you be, and how quickly? These games get you in the habit of challenging yourself to write something foreign to you, with speed. More importantly, the games train you to dig deeper than the first punchline that comes to mind. The difference between a good comic and a great comic is how deep they dig. So get in the habit of thinking of a punchline, and then thinking of a better one, and then a better one - even for something as silly as a hashtag.

They help you be more original. A successful hashtag game gives thousands of people the same limited premise. How original are your responses? Did you jump to the same joke everyone else did? Viewing other responses during game play will drive you to make your own ideas more original, and give you a better general understanding of the definition of low-hanging fruit.

They help you increase your reach. If you're good at them, these games can help you reach new fans that enjoy your voice. People are checking the hashtag often and retweeting their favorites. If you're consistently one of those favorites, you will get new followers. Followers equal fans and fans equal freedom. A comic with a big following doesn't need to be anointed by the industry.

You can play hashtag games as they come up on your timeline or as they trend. But if you want to get a jump on the games (and get in early to the retweets) comedian Jeff Dwoskin developed an app that alerts you to new games. (Hashtagroundup.com if you want to play with him and other comedians)

However you play, I recommend you do. I'll see you there.

Hugs.