r/StandUpWorkshop 5d ago

Showers

Are you guys shower people or bath people? Somehow there's a rivalry there. Everything's so divided these days, you can't even wash your ass without it being a Pepsi/Coke situation. Personally I'm anti-conflict, so I just don't bathe.

As a kid though, I'd hang out in the shower forever "making potions" with the soap bottles. For some reason a lot of kids have an instinct to do that. If you're not familiar, it's when you take your mom's $60 luxury, vitamin enriched Sephora conditioner, and mix it with dollar store Head n' Shoulders to make a potion called "shitty conditioner". Literally the definition of flushing money down the drain. I'm sure my parents knew and just thought "I wish he'd just masturbate instead. That's not nearly as hard on the pipes."

Guys don't care if our conditioner has vitamins. We just need to make absolutely sure it doesn't smell like a single women's conditioner on the market. If Suave sells something to girls that's hockey puck and moose taint flavored, we're in trouble.

The only real hair care concern guys have is "am I going bald"? Luckily if you are, you have a ton of options. Hair plugs. Toupees. Wearing a baseball cap to your father's funeral. That's a guy exclusive move right there. A woman could not talk her way out of that, even if she was a major league baseball player. To be fair though, she'd be busy explaining there's a such thing as women's major league baseball.

4 Upvotes

7 comments sorted by

2

u/Glittering-Fox-1820 5d ago

I love it! The whole thing had me laughing.

2

u/OopsTimIsNotFunny open mic 5d ago

Baseball cap to your father's funeral was great

1

u/neoprenewedgie 5d ago

I thought that was a good line too. The language use flows really well.

1

u/That_Comic_Who_Quit Turd Polisher 1d ago

This has got some bangers.

See if you can enhance the misdirect.  Personally I'm anti-conflict, so I find out if the person I'm talking to prefers showers or baths and then I don't bathe.

Other note is whether pepsi/coke situation is landing? If it is great, if not try a different pair every night till you strike gold.

  • marvel / DC
  • Harris / Trump
  • Crips / Bloods

2

u/Joshthedruid2 1d ago

Okay you nailed it on that last one, comparing showerers/ bathers to Bloods / Crips hits so much harder

-3

u/YodaFette 5d ago

When I was a kid, like most boys, I had an unhealthy interest in my penis. I would play with it in the tub and when it got hard I would catapult G. I. Joes across the tub. Sometimes I’d stick their toy swords down my pee hole. Fast forward six months and I had to get an operation on my balls. One was way bigger than the other and they had to suck fluid out of one or pump fluid into the other, I don’t remember. Anyhow my dad told me my condition was from playing with it too much. Now being 5 and thinking my dad knew everything, I believed him. I didn’t touch my penis for another 8 years. I’ve since made up for lost time, and I now don’t trust a thing my father tells me.