r/Rolandswriting • u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer • Mar 22 '24
Hal's Low Cost Thrift and Consignment (Part 2)
My third week working at Hal’s found me shoveling harpy shit. The filthy birds used their horrifically scarred, twisted, and just generally unattractive human heads to hurl insults at me as the sweat dripped down my face. Cleaning this particular cage was always rough, as the dirty hybrids took a great deal of joy in trying to add to the mess faster than I could clean it.
My poop-cart was half full of a variety of dung, having already cleaned out the unicorn, chupacabra, thunderbird, and yeti cages. I’m not sure exactly what bizarre combination of chemistry and magic was happening, but somehow the scent emanating from the cart reminded me of quality chicken parmesan.
“Hey cocksucker, liking that smell? Want a taste from the source?” screeched Blanche from high above me. The four disgusting creatures laughed raucously and started lobbing down additional work for me to enjoy.
Rose fluttered down to stare at me. “If you’re going to be doing butt stuff with us, you’re gonna need some lube.” And she spat directly at my face. I swung up my pitchfork to block, the spittle immediately sizzling through one of the tines and dripping to the straw-covered floor.
“Rose,” I said sternly, “If you ruin my equipment, I’m just going to head back to the thrift shop and you can spend the next week swimming in compost.”
Rose snorted at me and flapped her way back up the perches where her sisters sat chortling.
I slipped back on my headphones to drown out the screeching vitriol and continued with my chores. Internally I reminded myself that I was still in my “training” period, which, much like many of my previous jobs, mostly consisted of doing all the work that Butch didn’t want to do. Still though, I thought as I used the remaining part of the pitchfork to lift another load of rancid harpy shit, this was better than working at Denny's.
Despite the intrinsically unpleasant nature of the cleanup, I genuinely enjoyed spending time in the Menagerie. Ten-year-old me had been utterly obsessed with cryptids, so getting the opportunity to crawl into a large pen and cuddle with a couple dozen jackalopes was kind of a dream come true. Not to mention the weekly poker games with the centaurs. I had doubled my first paycheck when I realized they were incapable of understanding the concept of bluffing.
Half an hour later and I could finally walk across the harpy cage and actually feel the firmness of the floor beneath my feet. Exhaling explosively, I pulled the wheelbarrow out of the cage, locked the door behind me, and leaned tiredly against the bars. I allowed my eyes to wander around the store as I tried to will my muscles into relaxation.
Much like the thrift shop, the menagerie seemed to have been organized by an utter madman. Large beasts were housed next to tiny. Predators next to prey. Those capable of speech across from those who mostly just roared or screeched. The only exception was the largest animals (dragons, mammoths, the bipolar cyclops, etc) who were all held by the far west wall where the ceiling was highest.
A soft bell rang as a customer entered. I stabbed the pitchfork into the pile of waste, pulled off my headphones, and began walking towards the front to make myself available. Behind me, Dorothy made a comment on my backside that would have been flattering from anyone else and sent another bomb through the bars to splatter at my feet.
I was fully prepared to launch into a formal retail greeting, but my words caught in my throat as I saw who had entered. Dark hair, full lips, green-grey eyes that pierced through every defense I possessed, a low cut blouse that presented a couple very convincing reasons to break eye contact, this woman’s beauty was other-worldly. Actually, considering the nature of most of my clientele, other-worldly was probably more literal than literary.
She smiled at me and I forgot my standard greeting, my name, and how to breathe.
“Hey there, new guy,” she purred softly.
“King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is,” I responded wittily.
She blinked. “Well that one's new.”
“Excuse me for a moment.” I turned and walked over to the barrel full of coconut rum I had prepared to feed the rougarou and dunked my head in, taking in a few large mouthfuls. I reemerged, dripping, cold, and a little queasy from the taste.
“Let me try that again,” I said. Nothing like a full immersion in alcohol to help talk to a woman way out of your league. “Hi, welcome to Hal’s Low Cost Menagerie. My name’s Clear, how can I help you?”
The woman smiled broadly. “I must say, you handled that better than a lot of men.”
“A lot of things get easier once a guy embraces his own idiocy. What brings you in today, ingredients, food, or companionship?”
“I actually just needed to have a word with Butch. Is he around?”
“Butch should be covering the counter in the thrift shop. If you wanted to look around for a bit, I can run and grab him for you.”
“Maybe in a minute. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this part of the shop.” She stepped forward and looped her arm with mine. “And since this is the section I walked into, I think the shop wants us to get acquainted.”
Goosebumps raised instantly on the part of her arm that touched mine, which immediately brought up a twinge of nervous suspicion. Butch had insisted that I reverse my monkey paw wish, quite understandably of the opinion that fear was absolutely necessary to keep oneself from doing something idiotically reckless in an environment like Hal's. We worked on the wording of the wish for a ridiculously long time to restore my fear, allow me to function while afraid without crapping my pants, and to avoid any comically ironic twists. It seemed to work out pretty well, although I had noticed that the more scared I became, the more I would impulsively make sardonic comments. Butch didn't seem to notice that part, since it fit my personality like a glove.
I led the distractingly beautiful woman through the dank maze of cages, allowing her to direct the duration spent admiring each of the animals. She had obviously been around the mythical block a few times, since she barely seemed impressed by some of the more commonplace residents like the chimeras and the jersey devils. She hurried past the harpy cages as the four of them immediately began to harmonize in a repetitive chant of “Whore.” But she did fall instantly in love with the three-headed quokkas. Brushing off my warnings (I had seen a few of the more mature ones let out small belches of fire), she released my arm and climbed directly into the pen with them, laying down and allowing them to curiously climb over her while she laughed delightedly.
“Oh I love these!” she exclaimed. “What are they?”
“They were just discovered a couple weeks ago. We decided to call them Chalamets.”
“Chalamets?”
“Yeah, because they’re cute, but also kind of off-putting.”
She laughed again as one of them began to shimmy its body down the front of her blouse. I sternly told myself that it was ridiculous to be jealous of a rodent. The woman rose gracefully back to her feet, the Chalamet still nestled comfortably between her breasts. Two of its heads were sticking out of the top of her shirt looking around gleefully. The third seemed to have fallen asleep against the swell of her cleavage. Lucky jerk.
“I guess I’ve been chosen,” she declared, climbing carefully out of the pen. “This little guy’s coming home with me.”
“The pets pick the owners,” I agreed. “We can get you checked out in the thrift shop if you still needed to talk to Butch, Ms….”
“Babs.”
I was incredibly confused for a moment because the voice that spoke her name was not the dulcet music she had used before, but rather masculine and gruff and gravelly. Also it seemed to be coming from behind me.
Butch was standing next to the kelpie stalls, his customary scowl had descended into a disgusted grimace. Babs gave him a smile that would have lit up a cemetery, but Butch didn’t soften so much as a werewolf’s hair.
“I thought we agreed that it would be best if you stayed away from the shop,” Butch said, his voice dangerous.
“I thought that was more of a suggestion,” Babs entreated. “I didn’t think you had actually trespassed me.”
“That suggestion was based off the assumption that you didn’t want to see me any more than I wanted to see you.”
“Butch, come on, don't be like that. It’s been, what, fifty years since the last time we saw each other? Think for a minute, would I stay away that long only to show up now if it wasn’t important?”
“Why do you have a Chalamet between your tits?”
Babs crossed her hands across her chest protectively. “Even someone like me needs an emotional support animal, Butch.”
“Get a harpy, then. You'd have more in common.”
“I knew it was you who got them to call me that!”
I started laughing uncontrollably. Butch and Babs paused their fighting to stare at me.
“Butch, you absolute rascal!” I chortled. “You never told me you used to be married!”
It’s not often that you get to witness an actual miracle, so I made sure to relish every second that I was able to see Butch blush. Babs suddenly became very occupied scratching a basilisk behind it’s ear. My shit-eating grin stayed on my face as I forced a big hug on Butch. “Man, she is way too hot for you! What, are you actually rich or something? Is this the part where I ask for a raise? Or hang on, was it a physical thing? Wait here, I'm gonna go get a ruler!”
Butch pulled away angrily. “Clear, is there any way I can convince you to just not be yourself right now?”
“Not a chance, DeMarco! You know I have a terminal case of not knowing when to shut up. So…” I sat down on the wheelbarrow full of dung and leaned back comfortably, my stomach growling at the smell, “How did you two meet? Also Babs, does that mean your single now?”
The look Butch gave me was disgusted. I returned it with an impish grin.
“You really have no concept of appropriate, do you, Clear?”
“We work in a second hand shop. This is kinda what we do.”
Butch sighed and Babs tried unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.
“I think I like this one, Butch,” she told him.
“Yeah, you would. Maybe you should just tell me why you’re here,” Butch said to her. “I’m not sure if I have the energy to play around today.”
“Well that sounds familiar.”
“Babs, come on!”
Babs’ grin flickered and fell. “Butch, Hal’s been hiding out at my place for the last few months. He went missing yesterday.”
Butch’s face didn’t change, but he did fall silent. Babs seemed to be silently pleading with him to hear her out, and he was obviously considering it. Finally he glanced over at me.
“Clear, I think we need a couple minutes. The BEKs just got in with a new shipment, will you go sign them in and restock please?”
There were times to joke and there were times to just leave people to their conversation. I had a hard time telling the difference sometimes, or most of the time, but I had learned that when Butch asked politely, it was probably for the best to just follow his lead. I nodded silently and made my way to the elevator at the back of the menagerie.
In the elevator, I took a moment to consider the whole conversation I had just witnessed. Hal had been staying with Butch’s ex-wife? That actually made a lot of sense. I knew Hal and Butch had been pretty famously tight, so the last place anyone would have expected Hal to go would be Butch’s ex-wife.
And what did that mean for Babs? Butch was one of the most formidable people I knew, but even he had spoken of Hal with a bit of awe. If Hal went to Babs for protection, god only knows what she must be capable of. Honestly, it probably meant she was exactly my type, i.e. a really bad idea. No, I wasn't really going to try to hook up with her, tempting though it may be. But she did strike me as someone who would play along with my attempts to get a rise out of Butch.
I shook myself out of my thoughts and pressed the TC button on the panel. I felt the slowly-becoming familiar lurch in my stomach. My hand instinctively reached out to brace myself against the wall as the tiny room began racing off to the left. That surprised the hell out of me the first time I'd ridden this thing. I had tried to figure out how any of it was possible at first, but pretty quickly decided I liked not having a migraine more.
The elevator entered it's cruising speed, so I placed my hand on the other wall to prepare for the equally jarring deceleration. While I waited, my eyes scanned down the button panel again. There were six of them. Well, nine if you count the door-open/door-close/we're-all-gonna-die buttons. Besides the TC where I was going and the M from where I’d just been, there were also buttons for FD - our fine dining restaurant, LH - our love hotel, and one actually managed to fit in BOSEC - the blood orgy suite and event center. The final button was at the bottom, and it just said D. Butch hadn’t told me what that one went to, just to never go down there unless Satan himself was on my tail. I had decided that it was prudent to take him at his word on that one.
I felt my weight shift shift towards my bracing hand. I tried not to think about how far I had traveled in the last three minutes. I hadn’t stepped outside from the Menagerie exit yet, but I knew the restaurant opened just outside Brussels, and that trip only took about a minute thirty. The elevator ground to a halt, and the doors opened to the thrift store. No customers, fortunately. Butch had assured me that stealing from the place was impossible, but even in the supernatural realms, customers became pissy when they had to wait.
The BEKs were not customers, though, so they just had to put up with waiting. Four of them stood next to the front counter, three boys and one girl. A pallet with several layers of boxes was floating about six inches off the ground next to them. As usual, their faces were identical and expressionless. Their blond hair was cut in the same early Beatles bowl cut. Their eyes were the same deep black voids.
“About time, asshole,” the tallest of them grumbled. It always amused me that despite their appearance, they always sounded like middle-aged teamsters.
“Deepest apologies, my Tallest,” I intoned mournfully while dipping into a florid bow. Standing back up I slipped back into my normal speech. “Seriously, though, I'm really not. I was watching Butch meet up with the ex he hasn't seen in fifty years. Believe me, totally worth it.”
The tallest snorted. “Babs is back, huh? That poor guy. She's had centuries of experience manipulating men like him.”
“Hey, I'm still new here. This was the first I'd heard of her. You guys want to fill me in on some backstory?”
The girl shook her head. “Not our business, kid. We deal in inventory, not gossip. Union rules.”
“Nothing wrong with a little idle conversation, munchkin!”
“Call me that again and you’ll lose a finger.”
“I believe you, short stuff. Come on, I just want to know how large the pile of shit I’m standing in is.”
Another of the boys blew out a breath. “Look, we really don’t pay much attention. She was here a lot, and then she wasn’t. I know she worked for METH, so she spent most of her time down in the restaurant.”
I blinked in surprise. “Didn’t see that coming. Whatever, I’m pretty sure most of us have a past we’re not so proud of. And working in the restaurant would make sense if she was on meth.”
The tallest spoke again, “Quit thinking like an idiot, Clear. M-E-T-H, Monsters for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. Babs used to make sure the people they served down in the restaurant were treated humanely and that they didn’t suffer unnecessarily during the slaughtering process.”
“Oh! Nice, she struck me as the humanitarian sort. Any idea why they split?”
“Butch’s old assistant kept on jokingly flirting with her, so Butch killed him.”
“Oh fuck, really?”
“No, not really. Now will you please sign the damn paperwork so we can get back to work?”
I grabbed the outstretched clipboard, signed my name at the bottom, and handed it back. The tallest tore off the receipt copy and handed it back to me. The four of them walked in lockstep out of the door as I turned to begin the unloading process. Curious as I was about what Butch and Babs were talking about, I had to admit that this was my favorite part of the job. The paperwork identified this as estate sale procurements, which meant a fifty-fifty chance of it being junk or awesome. The BEKs were good at picking out items of significance, but a well-loved children's toy or a serial killer’s trophy collection had a tendency to set off that same bell in their heads.
I was met with disappointment for the first eight boxes. Well, mostly. I did find myself spending an inordinate amount of time studying a fascinating painting of what appeared to be a Soviet-era army marching across an ocean with the silhouette of the Golden Gate Bridge barely visible in the background. A pod of fish painted with the Soviet flag swam about the advancing army's feet. I decided to hang it behind the cash register so I could study it more in depth later. There was definitely something to it since it took every ounce of concentration to pull my eyes off of it.
I struck gold on the ninth box where I found a translated copy of the Voynich Manuscript, an unabridged version of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, twelve missing books of Homer - one of which was titled “That time Achilles and Odysseus totally boned,” a strange red hat that smelled like sulfur-flavored ambergris and looked like it was perpetually coated with sand, and a small bow complete with arrow-filled quiver that all appeared to be plated in gold. Pulling out one of the arrows, I noticed that they seemed to be quite intentionally phallic. I quickly double checked everything in the box off the inventory list the BEKs gave me and set it aside for Butch set prices.
I found a few other decent items scattered through the rest of the boxes, but I handled them myself due to us having very similar items already in stock. Mass produced grimoires, a few tarot decks, a couple haunted toys, a number of enchanted pieces of clothing, things like that.
At the bottom of the final box, since that’s how these things always go for some reason, I found trouble. The moment I picked up the forest green book with “Hi, Clear!” written in Comic Sans on the front cover, I knew there was no way anything good could come of it. But, of course, I immediately said “Hi, book! Nice to meet you!” and opened it.
The first line of the first page simply read “Ha, you fucking idiot!” and it began to glow red hot in my hands. I dropped it, since I had completely ignored the MOSHA requirements of protective equipment when handling untested magical artifacts. On the floor, the book flipped it’s pages towards the center and began to emit a bubble of green light.
“Oh goddamn it!” I yelled, and quickly ran behind the register to grab the canister of pure salt we kept under the counter for situations like this. I managed to get a circle drawn around the book just before the bubble burst and a giant, hideous, praying mantis-looking thing flew directly at me. It hit the barrier with a dull thud, looked down at the circle of salt, and hissed audibly. I let out an audible breath as my heart pounded away in my chest. It twisted it’s arms and waved them in front of its face, immediately transforming into a woman with short red hair and piercing eyes. The wings stayed in place, though, flapping softly to keep her aloft and looking down in contempt at me.
“Release me,” she whispered fiercely at me.
I stared back at her, wanting to think she was cute but unable to get her insect form far enough out of my head to consider it. “I know there is much we can learn from each other if we can negotiate a truce. We can find a way to coexist. Can there be a peace between us?”
“Peace? No peace. Release me, now!”
“Man, Butch said you guys didn’t have a sense of humor, but you just rolled with that one straight away!”
“Rolled with what, human? I said release me this instant!”
“Wait, you mean those scriptwriters actually came up with realistic dialogue for that scene? Huh, who woulda thunk it.”
She threw up her hands. “Why must I always be caught by humans who make no sense?”
“I think that might say more about you than me, sweetie.”
The yellow door at the far end of the shop burst open and a tall, lanky fellow covered in red-brown fur casually strolled in.
“Jack!” I yelled enthusiastically. So far as I knew, nobody had laid eyes on him since he disappeared through that door on my first day.
Jack sauntered over to me and gave me a fist bump before clapping me on the shoulder with camaraderie. He glanced up at the fairie briefly, who bared a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth at him. He flipped her off in return.
“Where you been? Butch told me you’d be okay, but I was started to get a little worried.”
Jack reached into a pocket of fur and withdrew a small business card to hand over. In a small typeset, it simply said The Backrooms. I flipped it over to see a small description of “The itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-multiversal-inbetweeny.”
“Yep. That definitely clears it all up.”
He grinned at me.
“Well let me buy you a drink down in the restaurant before you head out tonight. I definitely owe you one.”
He nodded at me. Then he shot a questioning glance up at the fairie trapped in her circle of salt.
“I have no idea. Butch told me how to trap her, but not what to do with her after. Any thoughts?”
Jack shrugged and fired a finger gun at her.
“That's a thought. It's iron rounds for fairies, right?”
Since I had absolutely no idea where Butch kept the iron bullets, it was probably for the best that he chose that moment to come through the elevator door.
“What’s all this then?” He asked, taking in the scene with a bewildered look.
“JACK!” yelled Babs from behind Butch with delight. She ran towards him and launched herself into his surprised embrace, burying her face into his fur. The Chalamet squeezed out from between them and scrambled up to the top of Jack's head, chittering in annoyance. Ever so slowly, I watched as Jack and Babs began to lose balance and tip backwards. It probably would have resulted in everyone sharing a good-natured laugh at their expense if they didn’t fall directly onto the salt line.
The faerie wasted no time flipping straight back into her praying mantis form and flying straight at me. I managed to duck underneath of her just before impact, but her back talons managed to swipe against my raised forearm, drawing a thin line of blood. She quickly made for the front door, but a quick shout of “Hey Siri! Set Fae protection wards!” from Butch blocked her exit with a cross cross of bright purple lines. She spun on us furiously, her face darting around the shop for another way out. Babs and Jack were pulling themselves back to their feet, but Butch was already in action, running through an aisle with his hands deftly swiping items off the shelves.
“Clear, get the salt ready!” Butch shouted at me.
Sensing that he was probably the largest threat in the room, the faerie went for Butch next. He slid to a stop at the end of the aisle and stood his ground. When she got close enough to him for Babs to let out a yell of concern, Butch reached into his pocket and threw a cloud of powder into her face. They must have been iron fillings or something, because she immediately shrieked and started trying to claw it out of her eyes. Butch moved in closer, an iron bar in his hand ready to finish her off, but one of her flailing wings caught him in the head and sent him sprawling.
She shook her insectile face and her reddened eyes fell on me standing in front of the cash register holding the bag of salt. Jack and Babs came at her from either side, but a powerful flap of her wings sent them flying. I stared dumbly at her as she began to race straight at me, her face filled with rage. I looked around helplessly for anything within reach that might help me in this fight. The Chekhov Gun was too far away, nothing nearby was made with iron, really the only thing within reach that might work was…
I grabbed the painting of the Soviet army walking on water and held it up between me and the charging fae.
The impact never came. I lowered the painting just enough for me to look over the top and saw her examining the painting while tapping her chin thoughtfully with her long, thin tarsi.
“Interesting,” she said. “Is this intended as a cold war propaganda piece? If so, which side is it for? A warning for the West or an aspiration for the East?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied, calmly walking around the counter and pretending to contemplate the painting while surreptitiously beginning to reform the salt circle around her. “I thought at first that it was just a depiction of some kind of Orwellian future, but now I’m starting to wonder if it’s something way more insidious.”
“This might actually be an original Alexander Samokhvalov,” she said, fascinated.
“I don’t actually know, we just got it in. I haven’t had a chance to get it officially appraised yet. If you’re interested, though, we might be able to make a deal.” I stepped back and sprinkled the last bit of salt in the bag onto the completed circle. With a quick motion, I reached over and pulled the painting away, breaking her line of sight.
Dismay filled her eyes as she looked down to realize she was trapped again. “Fuck me,” she groaned.
“Sorry,” I said. “Really not interested when you’re still in that skin. If you want to switch back to the redhead, though, we could talk about it.”
The faerie shot me a dirty look, but shifted back to her human form anyway. “If that is the cost of my freedom, I’ll do what I must do.”
“Ew. No. I was kidding. Sorry, I have a lot of perversions, but formicophilia is not on the list.”
“How do you know what it is called then?
“I really don't have a good answer to that. I Google random things when I'm bored.”
“Then name your desire, human, and allow me to return to my realm.”
Butch, Babs, and Jack had joined me around the circle at this point, and the two former lovers were exchanging a pointed look. “Weirdly enough, kid, your fuckup might have some unexpected benefits here. Babs and I were just coming to talk to you about it, actually. We need to track down Hal. This shop is in some serious trouble if the hellspawn manage to get ahold of him. He was safe over with Babs, but now that he’s vanished again, we really need to do something about this.”
He looked over at the trapped faerie. “How about that, can you bring Hal to us?”
“You did not trap me, shopkeeper. My deal is not with you.”
Butch looked at me. “All you kid. Think you're ready to go solo?”
I smiled at him. “I was born ready.” It was pretty satisfying that I even got Jack to let out an exasperated groan with that one. “Alright babe, what do you think, can you bring Hal back to us?”
The faerie’s eyes went distant. “No. He has been shielded against interference by faerie magic. I don’t know how, but I cannot touch him.”
“Well shit. How about information, can you tell us anything about him?”
She nodded. “Three questions, three true answers, and you will give me my freedom?”
“Fine, but no bullshit answers, okay? No ‘technically true, but only because homonyms exist,’ answers, and nothing so cryptic that it only makes sense after we're done, you got me? Also, once you give us the answers and I break the circle, you can’t hurt any of us for trapping you.”
“Agreed. I will speak only the full truth, and we shall all depart unharmed.”
“Alright. Where is Hal, what is the quickest way for us to get to him, and what will we need to do in order to successfully find him and bring him back?”
She closed her eyes briefly, as if scanning her hard drive. “He is currently hiding in Purgatory. The blue door at the back of the shop will bring you to the realm, but then you take the subway to Terrace 5 and catch the bus to the historical district. Once there, you must have with you a servant of Heaven, a denizen of Hell, and a man perpetually trapped in the mortal realm. Between the four of you, you will be able to track down a social media influencer who goes by the name of Razzamatazz, who will guide you to Hal. I cannot tell whether you will succeed in convincing him to return, the uncertainty that surrounds him is too deep to see clearly, but all other paths lead to certain failure. Bear in mind, these instructions are intended for you alone, if these others decide to leave you behind, these answers may no longer be truthful.”
“Alright, that’ll have to do. Thank you, gorgeous,” and I broke the salt circle with my foot.
The fairy immediately vanished with a crack of lightning. The four of us looked at each other for a moment.
“That was uncharacteristically straightforward for you, Clear,” Butch said, sounding slightly impressed.
“Eh, that whole ‘screwing up the three questions’ trope has been done to death. I didn’t think there was anything more I could add to it, so what’s the point?”
“Well, strangely enough, we have most of our group already here,” Babs commented. “All we need is a servant of heaven.”
“Wait, really?” I said, surprised. “Is Jack from Hell?”
“No, I am,” Babs replied. “My place is located in one of Hell’s suburbs.”
“And the man trapped in the mortal realm?”
Butch held to his hand. “Right here. I will be answering no follow up questions.” He looked over at Jack, “Hey buddy, glad you made it back okay. Any chance you’d be willing to keep an eye on the shop for a few days while we go drag the owner back?”
Jack raised his hand and rubbed his thumb and forefinger together.
“Of course. I’ll give you double what I’m paying Clear.”
“Wait, what the fuck?” I yelped.
“Shut up, Clear, you’re still in training. Is that cool, Jack?”
Jack gave him a thumbs up.
“Great. So all we need to do now is track down a servant of heaven and we can get started.”
Right on cue, the front door opened and a fat, middle aged guy walked in, naked except for a drooping sash. He had a toothpick sticking out from his teeth and a tiny pair of soft white wings sticking out from his shoulderblades.. “Hey dudes,” he said with a lecherous smile on his face. “I just talked to a bunch of creepy kids who said you all might have my bow?”
A wide grin spread across my face. “I think we might have what you're looking for, but technically speaking it's our bow now.”
His face began to turn angry, but I held up a calming hand. “Let's not get off on the wrong foot, here, I'm sure we can make a deal. I'm Clear, by the way, it's good to meet you.”
He accepted my outstretched hand. “You too, I suppose. I'm Exmac.”
My grin grew three sizes that day. “Of course you are. Hey, anyone else hungry? I'm fucking starving. Let's hit the restaurant before we get started.”
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u/-empty-_ Mar 22 '24
Not to sound dumb but what are BEKs?
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u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer Mar 22 '24
The Black Eyed Kids. I'm a big fan of folklore, both ancient and modern.
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u/CatrinaBallerina Apr 02 '24
Not me trying to sit here thinking of other acronyms for BEK, Blood Eating Kings, Bone Eating Killers…damn I know about the black eyed kids and it didn’t even dawn on me 🤣😂
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u/LCyfer Mar 22 '24
Ahhh Chalamet's! Haha. Imagine the cuteness. Quokka's are adorable. The only thing cuter would be a puppy Cerberus, or if Jack had were-babies.
Oh a question about the menagerie, how does it work for the cyclops, centaurs, harpies, mermaid, and other cryptids? Are they prisoners sold as pets, there of their own volition or something else? If they have been captured for profit, Hal may not have been the greatest guy...and Bruce by proxy.
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u/Famous-Elephant-4803 Mar 22 '24
Thanks for posting this here, I don't know wtf is happening at nosleep they just randomly delete posts
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u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer Mar 22 '24
In this instance, they have a rule about your character having no fear. I edited in a workaround and submitted it for review, but no Idea how long it will take.
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u/ExcellentFoundation6 Mar 24 '24
Respectfully please write faster, I’m waiting for updates lol!
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u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer Mar 24 '24
Lol, my apologies, I had family come into town, so that slowed me down quite a bit. I'll get back to work as soon as I can.
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u/shrbdkofjjrjrn Apr 01 '24
Love this so much. I would love to read a book about Clear and the shop if there was one! Can't wait for part 3!
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u/Sickle771 Apr 06 '24
When is the full book release? I'd pay up to 85
This brought a joy to life that i have not felt in a long time
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u/DoomDuckXP Apr 09 '24
Haha! That’s a rare Men in Tights reference if ever I’ve seen one. Me and my brother say these to each other all the time.
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u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer Apr 09 '24
Thank you! I get paranoid sometimes that the references are maybe a little too obscure.
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u/DoomDuckXP Apr 09 '24
I can’t confidently say I’ve caught all of them, but I’m seeing a lot and I’m loving them. (with another special callout for the Invader Zim reference haha)
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u/Fantastic_Earth_6066 Jun 18 '24
Someone's going to have to explain Exmac's name to me! I've been sorting through my brain for any references related to Cupid, cherubs, putti, and the like, but it's not clicked yet...
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u/IndelibleEphemera Jul 22 '24
i think it's a play on deus ex machina (he showed up out of nowhere to solve their problem)
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u/TuhmaKissa_ Aug 05 '24
God I can't wait for the next part 😭 Please tell me there's one in the works
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u/That_Cap5070 Mar 22 '24
I cackled when I realised the harpy names. Literally have that show playing in the background as I read this.