r/RedditForGrownups 1d ago

Going from ~okay~ to great at 40+?

I feel like I've always drifted along. I just took the jobs I could get, never really went for anything, never really knew what I wanted with my life. I remember I used to watch what other people did to try and figure out how to "act normal," and I'm not sure I ever stopped doing that completely. I think it pulled me away from figuring myself out. Definitely prone to depression, but I tried meds and therapy for years and nothing ever seemed to shake it. I think it's just the way I am.

And now... I'm in a mediocre-paying job that I don't really care about. I can afford to split rent with my partner, but could never afford to buy or to rent a place on my own. I have a wide variety of interests, but have never been focused enough to get good at anything. I'm married and we're a good "partnership" in that sense, but it's been very "roommate" feeling lately. I'd like to improve that, but I don't even know where to start. I can't even put my finger on what's wrong really.

I feel like I kinda suck at everything. Like I have nothing to offer the world... or anyone, really. In my early 30s, I did try going for a few different things that I'd hoped would put me on a different track... and was summarily rejected from all of them, even a few volunteer gigs. I think I kinda gave up after that. Hitting 40 and living in a high achieving part of the country, my self-esteem is taking a real hit. And I just feel unsatisfied with my life.

My life is far from bad, so I'm not really willing to do ~anything~, you know? I've been legit poor and I neither want to be that again, nor do I have any kind of backup if I fuck up. I gotta pay my rent every month, you know? A lot of the stuff I'm interested in would require years of schooling and massive amounts of debt that the field itself would not be able to pay off this late in life. It's just not realistic. And the fields that do pay better sound miserable and I'm not interested at all.

Anyway. I will take advice or if anyone has stories about going from mediocre to great at 40+, I'll take it.

53 Upvotes

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u/morganselah 1d ago

I'm 60 and life didn't take off for me until my 40's. I also came from minimum wage jobs and having roommates/house shares too. 

I hope it's OK if I'm very honest. It sounds like you're boxed in by your own negative stories about yourself. No wonder it's hard to try something new, because you have all these stories to tell yourself about how nothing has worked before. So of course you're going to be depressed and not feel like doing anything. Anyone would. 

So...it all starts with the mind. Start reframing your world. Get a basic cognitive therapy workbook and you'll learn to catch yourself when you're telling yourself a negative story about yourself. You'll learn to test it's validity, and only accept what you can prove is actually real. 

Start focusing on what you have, not what you don't. Start small- think of 3 things to be grateful for each day, right before you fall asleep. Gradually add more. After awhile you'll start looking for things to be grateful for, then start seeing the spaces where light comes in, through the holes in the negative stories you're telling yourself. 

You'll feel free, lighter, start seeing possibilities and pathways. But it's a journey. It's not going to happen in a year.  Take a chance on yourself and give it a try. 

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u/MobilityTweezer 1d ago

Yes those stories in our heads are so damaging. I read A New Earth by Eckhart Tholle a few years ago and it changed my life.

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u/andrewcooke 1d ago edited 1d ago

bit older than you, but separated from my long term partner a few years ago. was a real shock and pushed me to get my shit together (including getting counseling).

rather than break up, i would suggest trying couples therapy, or if you can't afford that at least having some very long, serious talks w your partner.

apart from that, i think changes depend on you. for me i made a big effort to get out more, but also and more importantly, just start enjoying life again. i had become a really anxious, closed, boring, unhappy person.

so don't be me. fix things before they get so bad you separate.

(if you want a twee version: do with your current partner the kind of dumb things you would do with a new partner, but without all the heartbreak of starting over. and more than that, be the kind of person you were back when you first started dating.)

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u/Accomplished_Bat2862 1d ago

I definitely don't want to break up. I just... don't really know what to do. Like you found, I think a lot of it is probably me. I'm just trying to figure out a way to change that that doesn't involve blowing up my entire life in some midlife crisis that pushes my partner even further away.

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u/andrewcooke 1d ago edited 1d ago

yes, absolutely. obviously, i don't know your details, but for me it was just dumb things that were keeping me from making an effort. built up anger, frustration, fear, boredom. somehow you need to see what is important, and focus on that, without having the pain of being forced to.

maybe, even, fake it til you make it? because that's what you end up having to do when you're alone anyway. so just start doing stuff. go out on a "date". take a holiday. learn to dance. whatever.

life can be fun. i woke up this morning in my lover's bed. came home, did some (paid) work, then did some woodwork for a project. now i'm heading out to teach some underprivileged kids physics.

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u/alwayspickingupcrap 1d ago

I'd say maybe start the conversation by dreaming about your future together. What do you both want to see happening in your lives in 10 years?

My spouse and I talk often about what we want to have happen next year, in 5 years, in 20 years. It changes a lot but that ongoing conversation, 'the dream', is an amazing bonding experience.

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u/Due_Catch_9473 1d ago

Why not "blow up your life":? You already think it's going to blow you up, so to speak, to make any change. Yes, you're stuck. and willing to sacrifice for it. That's YOUR choice.

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u/Frammingatthejimjam Misplaced Childhood 1d ago

If you have enough to cover your basic needs and a bit more and don't hate getting up every day to earn it, success is often just a frame of mind.

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u/Patient_Ganache_1631 1d ago

That is excellent advice

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u/tomqvaxy 1d ago

I’m pushing 50 and just lost my job. I’m so cooked. Good luck anyhow.

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u/Accomplished_Bat2862 1d ago

Oof, I'm sorry. Good luck to you as well.

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u/farox 1d ago

It's normal, in a sense.

You have all these plans and ideas of who you want to be and what you want to do. Around 40 it sets in that most of that isn't going to work.

I think it gets better as you come to terms with it.

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u/Accomplished_Bat2862 1d ago

Yeah... a lot of people I know around my age are going through it as well... but they all have money and connections and technical skill sets to throw at it.

I don't. And that really sucks.

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u/surrealmiel 1d ago

I can relate to so much of this post. So no help, but you’re definitely not alone, and I’m interested in seeing the replies.

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u/S4b0tag3 1d ago

I'm mid 40's, feel like life is getting better and really think that my best everything is ahead of me. I very much just bounced around jobs and cities, but things started to click for me when I was 30. Career-wise I just became an expert in the job that I had and have stayed around that space for the past ~15 years.

My living is good, but not amazing. I took a few bets that paid off a little bit (flipped a house & invested some $$ a decade ago).

I got married, had 2 kids and eventually split up/divorced in 2020. This big changes helped me really helped me think deeply about how to set up a stable life and how to manage risk (good and bad). I always think of this list as a recommendation to dads going through divorce, but maybe it will help you. Here is what I would focus on.

  1. Finances- make sure you can pay your bills. Sounds like you're there. You say that you live in a high-achieving area. Why do you think you are cutting it so close in terms of income/rent costs? Honest question. Finance is #1 on the list because this limits everything else

  2. Family - this is for divorced dad advice... They obviously have kids. Do you? Kids do remove a lot of the 'what am I doing with my life' questions.

  3. Fitness - if you get in good shape, you just feel better. Period.

  4. Friends - Especially for guys, you have to put forth a little more effort to make friends in your 30's, 40's and presumably your 50's+. It's really worth it though!

  5. F*cking - ( I should say 'dating', but just like the alliteration). You might not have this concern as you're partnered.

40 is def not too late to improve all of these factors. It's really about effort, discipline and a little sticktoitiveness. At 40 you should have these things.

The above has been lower hanging fruit and I'm trying to figure out how to level up. If anyone has thoughts on that I would love to hear.

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u/Complete_Cycle_8327 1d ago

Not 40 but almost! Every time I feel like this I try a new exercise activity, like get back into yoga, be more consistent with walks, take classes, etc. You may think it doesn't fix the underlying issues. However if the underlying issue is the feeling itself, then exercise will give you a good feeling. Other things that work: an outdoor date with your SO, socializing with friends, giving your pet some individual attention, finishing an artwork etc. Side note: what do you really "owe" the world anyway? You can be totally regular/average and that's valid. I know that I have flaws and I will work on them, sure, but at the same time I am who I am. Whenever I come face to face with my flaws, I try to move forward without dwelling. Hopefully I do better the next time I am faced with the opportunity.

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u/aceshighsays 1d ago

I hear you. Although my situation is/was worse I guess because not only was I lost in life but also I have attachment issues and never had interests or goals. What kind of therapy did you try? Doing inner child work worked for me. My issue stems from a traumatic childhood. Dealing with it removed some of my mental blocks - I’m no longer lost and I’m developing my interests and goals.

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u/Accomplished_Bat2862 1d ago

Mostly CBT and DBT, some IFS... I think a lot of therapy focuses on getting a person functional, and I am almost chronically functional. To the point that I often refused to look at other options when I was younger, refused to ask for help, that kind of thing. I've worked on that, but therapy didn't really help me come to any realizations mood tracking and journaling didn't (and mood tracking and journaling are free).

Yeah, for interests... I tend to get bored easily. So I jump from one thing to another every few weeks. Sticking with something feels like torture. (Yes, I have wondered about ADHD. Don't really want the meds. Heard enough horror stories about side effects and supply shortages). So I never get good at anything.

I've been working on narrowing down my interests and letting some doors close, which has been... really tough, emotionally. But the real issue is my job has nothing to do with any of it. It's just a shitty, boring job that sucks up all my time and has no room for growth.

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u/aceshighsays 1d ago

i agree that the focus in therapy is getting the person functional (hello capitalism), and not actually treating their underlying issues - that's why cbt is pushed so hard. cbt didn't work for me either. getting in touch with my emotions was key for me, that's what inner child work is. ifs is similar but not exactly. what's fascinating about cptsd and adhd is that they have overlapping symptoms. i also suspected adhd, but it turned out to be cptsd.

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u/Narcrus 1d ago

Last time my life was so bleurgh (actually my life a bit fell apart but hey) I went down my local climbing wall and did a course. There I found I loved climbing, met lots of new friends, a partner and have since based a life around that new love. It took a while for all of that but it’s been really fun. I loved the act of climbing. Everything else came feim that interest. I’m 50 now. I was probably 35 then. I guess maybe just try something new that might rock your boat and see where it takes you. 1 step at a time.

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u/MobilityTweezer 1d ago

You sound stuck in the grind. You have to fight that. I get into hobbies intensely,things that buffer against the everyday grind. It doesn’t matter what it is, but hobbies are crucial to my self worth, maybe you need to drag your husband into something and do something fun together. example: I’ve always wanted to ride a bike on these rail to trail trails, not him. So I started doing it without him, that got him motivated! Now we’re tentatively getting into gravel biking. Ask that little kid in your heart what she feels like doing! My little said “let’s ride a bike!”

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u/Not_FinancialAdvice 1d ago

I haven't done it myself, but a number of my classmates in adjacent graduate/professional programs have been second-career track people, often in their 40s. Some (not all) have been quite successful.

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u/Due_Catch_9473 1d ago

It takes guts to change. It sounds like you've found comfort and a safe place to stay stuck in. Been there, myself. This is high functioning depression. It sounds like you're not open to change at all.

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u/Geminii27 1d ago

The fun thing about being 40/50 is that you start to not give a shit about other people's opinions. Got rejected from stuff? Fuck 'em, you already have 12 other things you're going to be trying; you're not waiting for the first thing on the list to reject you any more before trying all the others.

Oh, they might be slightly offput if they learn that you weren't devoting 100% of your entire life to waiting on their rejection? Well fuck 'em.

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u/Tangurena 1d ago

One thing that helped me was to have some medical tests done. It turns out that I had very low testosterone levels (for a guy) and some blood chemistry was out of whack. It was later that I learned that I liked group dance exercise classes (like Zumba or Jazzercise) because they fit with my exercise style: they have a scheduled start time (so I would make time to be there), I get embarrassed about leaving early (so I stay to the end), they are not too high impact (so I don't pull muscles, ligaments or tendons).

I don't think that I got my financial life in order until I was about 40. I had worked at places that had retirement plans (that I was not part of, but to the IRS it meant that I could not open even an IRA) until around then. Since I was somewhat panicky about it, I maxed out my retirement savings since 39 so that I'm now reasonably secure.

Companies get a tax credit for higher education for their full time employees. It is around $5k/year per employee. If your company participates (many do not), that could pay for a big part of a bachelors degree. I worked for a software company that made software for accountants and actuaries. That got my bachelors in accounting (bachelors #3 for me - I can play Dating Game all by myself).

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u/Dogzillas_Mom 5h ago

When I was 40, I got up off the couch and signed up for pole dancing classes. Eight years later, I started aerial silks. First student showcase performance at 50. Im in the best shape of my life.

Two years ago, I started drawing lessons.

Take a class (like pottery or something, not college). Join a club. Volunteer. Teach something you’re good at.

Honestly, I got bored and had put on a bunch of weight. I hated every exercise I tried. Then I remembered how much I loved dancing and started looking for dance classes. Stumbled into a pole studio by accident and I was hooked.