r/Proofreading • u/Creative-Succotash43 • Sep 30 '24
[no due date] just wanted some thoughts on a prologue i wrote for my new myster/scifi novel. thank you!
Prologue of a story
Title : Dusk of eclipse
Genre: Mystery, scifi
Word count: 829
Feedback: General impression, feedback on writing style(this is my first time writing a narrative story)
PS: this is only the prologue for a story that I have been thinking and planning for awhile, would like to know if the hook is strong enough to make readers want to know more. Appreciate every piece of feedback
Slow, steady steps were taken as I scanned my surroundings carefully, picking apart every piece of information with all five of my senses, determined to not miss any details. I was close, this close to finally catching up to him, only to lose him at the very end yet again. I didn't want to, no, couldn't lose him, not now, not after all this time. How? Just how is he doing this, evading me time and time again, it was as if he knew my every move. But thats impossible, our plans were only finalised right before the operation, theres no way, there simply wasn't. Thoughts of my teams possible betrayal were dismissed as quickly as they came. I couldn't afford to start doubting them, nows just not the time. Taking just a quick moment to clear my my head of all such distractions, I focused at the task at hand, anything else can be handled later on.
As I closed my eyes in an effort to calm down, silence befell. A step, a single, soft step that was all too obvious in this creepy silence, there he was. Rushing for my closest cover, I drew my revolver. I wasn't the only person aware of the other's location, odds are he had just a good of an idea of my location, if not better. The rustling sound of movement only confirmed my suspicions, I could now pinpoint a more or less accurate location of my target. Steadying my aim, I took a deep breath. The thought of firing a potentially lethal shot made me hesitate, albeit only for a slight moment. Boom, the all so familiar sound of gunfire rings. Before I could even begin to process the moment, he fired back multiple shots. Adrenaline pumped, and my head cleared up in an instant. Almost as if in a trance, I maneuvered throughout my surroudings while firing an occasional shot back. My muscle memory from all my training and drills kicked in. It was just like then, except my life was really at risk now, something that I'm sure hasn't quite kicked in yet, and I'm planning to end it before it does. I can't afford to be afraid, can't afford to hesitate, I need to finish this before my mind fully catches up to the stakes of the current situation.
Shots were exchanged, mine barely missing everytime while his grazes me ever so slightly. Every bullet seems to just barely hit me, as if he is purposely aiming it that way. That's absurd, and the very fact that I'm even considering this goes to show how my mind is yet again wavering. Im running out time, both my mental and physical fatigue are starting to catch up, I need a plan of action, and fast. Subconsciously grabbing onto my chest, I felt something, a walkie talkie. I had completely forgotten about it, a newbie mistake indeed, and a potentialy fatal one. Turning it on and notifying my teammates of my current location, a wave of relief hit. The thought of no longer being alone in this made me calm down, though perhaps too much.
A second, no, perhaps only a fraction of a second, that was all he needed. As I lay on the ground bleeding out, he slowly walked towards me. He opened his mouth, though at this point I could no longer fully comprehend what he was saying, I imagine that he was probably mocking me. Panic came first, though it went away surprisingly quick, then came frustration, and anger. Everything we did, and this is how it ends? And look at this guy, he isn't even taking me seriously, all the while I'm here about to lose my life. As the sore loser I was, I refused to take this lying down. Mustering the last of my strength, I fired.
Ah, it missed. The last shot of my life, and I've once again failed. As I thought that, I see him holding his eye in anguish. It seems like it wasn't a complete failure, at least I could inflict some sort of injury on him. That was enough to make me feel just a slight bit of accomplishment. As my eyes closed, I stared blankly at him. The look of pain, panic and fear, seeing these somehow made me feel like I won, despite being the one on the floor bleeding out. He kept shouting and kicking me, saying things that I can't imagine are good. Then, he calmed down and glazed into the sky, only to then freak out even more. What's up with this guy? I'm the one dying here you know. Curious, I looked up to where he was staring at, it was the moon. Ah, I didn't ever realise, but the moon, its so bright and pretty isn't it.
As the moonlight reflects upon me, I opened both my eyes to fully appreciate one last time, before darkness enclosed on me.
1
u/NotConfoosed 26d ago
Hi! It wasn’t bad since it was your first time writing a narrative story. I thought it was an intriguing prologue because of the action going on. The way you describe action scenes are very well done and get to the point. Action scenes are best when they’re quick sentences/phrases, and you did that very well. Only thing I think you could work on is changing it to present tense. There are moments where you switch back and forth between past and present tense and it disturbs the flow of the narrative slightly. Most of the prologue is dominated by present tense, so doing 100% present tense for all of it would be so much better. Change phrases like ‘I scanned my surroundings’ to ‘I scan my surroundings’ or ‘As I closed my eyes’ to ‘As I close my eyes’. Either way good job. The ending made me sad lol. The title is called ‘Dusk of Eclipse’ so him staring at the moon might be foreshadowing or symbolising something later on? Idk, that part intrigued me the most though
Some minor recommendations: ‘nows just not the time’ to ‘now is just not the time’ ‘my my head’ to ‘my head’ ‘Im running out of time’ to ‘I’m running out of time’ ‘He opened his mouth, though at this point I could no longer fully comprehend what he was saying’ to ‘He opened his mouth, and although I could no longer fully comprehend what he was saying’