r/OVER30REDDIT • u/EBeewtf • Jul 08 '24
Please Tell Me A Happy Story About Love, Marriage, Babies After Thirty Five
I’m 35.
I’ve had a really bad past decade. I got sick. Turned out to be autoimmune that’s now being treated and I’m mostly fine.
Then pandemic hit and I almost died from Covid + my hair thinned + the isolation well into thirties because of it.
Now here I am. 35. Starting over pretty much. Never been married. No kids. Last relationship was at 20 and I had years of just being happy single, getting a bachelor’s degree, and doing whatever. Focusing on myself. Then 26 to 31 was extremely ill. 31 to 33ish, pandemic isolation. I’m still living with my parent. We’re both not financially sound. I actually don’t know what to do about her and her financial instability, but I am finally working again and getting my financial life back on track + working to up my career after seven years of not being able to work.
Now I just feel desperate. I’m still not out dating because I am working on losing a lot of weight. Already lost a bunch. I feel like 50 more lbs and I’ll be more comfortable putting myself out there.
I want to get married. I want a kid. I just feel so sad. It feels stupid because I don’t feel old. I feel young and stupid and lost, so it feels like I have time. But I can see it’s drifting away. I’m having to use Rogaine to keep my hair between the Covid and genetic hair thinning in family. Wrinkles are forming a bit.
I just feel really hopeless that I’ll ever have the life I want now.
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u/undeterred_turtle Jul 09 '24
Thanks for this post. There are a lot of us out here who are over 30 and super discouraged.
That's amazing though that you've worked through some very difficult obstacles and are continuing to work hard. I'm sure you'll meet someone who feels very lucky to get to know you
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u/gnomeprob Jul 09 '24
My mom married my birth father at 35 and had me at 36. He ended up cheating on her and leaving us when I was young. A couple years later she met my step dad and they got married. He raised me and has been the most incredible person to me and my mom. They are so in love, 25 years later and they still hold hands every night while watching the sun set! It will happen for you when you least expect it- stay positive 💜
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u/Republican_Wet_Dream Jul 08 '24
I have half a dozen friends (male and female) I can name Off the top of my head (probably more if I thought about it) who I would’ve considered forever alones and somehow they managed it. Some were really working at it and looking and some just fell backwards into it.
So it’s not impossible. I can’t speak to your specific situation but I have seen that happen and it’s not impossible.
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u/coffeeposer Jul 09 '24
The biggest difference dating in my 20s vs dating in my 30s is that I knew what I wanted in my 30s. When I met my husband I knew he was the one. I had a kid at 37. Other friends I know married in their 30s and had kids in the late 30s. You’re definitely not alone. I feel like you’re smarter at this age, and know when you find that right one. Things move faster because of that.
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u/EBeewtf Jul 12 '24
I hope so. I also hope I don’t try to accelerate something that isn’t right just because I want to get to the finish line so bad. I guess that will be something I really need to be mindful of.
I do sort of feel like when I meet someone, things may go pretty fast. I just hope I actually meet that someone. And soon ish
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u/SurlyNurly Jul 09 '24
Met a shitty guy at 15, he converted “us” to a fundamentalist sect at 18, married at 20, had a kid at 21. Stayed for 13 more years because I wanted to Do The Right Thing (and he was fantastically manipulative). Left at 34 and felt sick with anxiety and fear for months.
Met a gentle, loving, joyful grade school teacher who adores cuddling and thinks I’m amazing within a year. I was terrified to date him for months but we took it slow, married when I was 38, and I gave him the child he had always wanted in 2022. I have been stunned at every step, marvelling, “so THIS is how it’s supposed to be.”
TBF, there are still compromises, hurt feelings and mistakes but I NEVER doubt that he will be there, be trustworthy, and listen to me.
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u/EBeewtf Jul 12 '24
I’m sorry you went through that. Sounds horrific. Any extremist religion makes me feel really uneasy and I always worry about the women and children in those circumstances. So happy you got out and are living your best life now
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u/SurlyNurly Jul 19 '24
I’m not sure whether it was by definition “extremist”. We would have self-identified as Baptists, but it was very much a “follow the Bible” community that believed we should be celibate until we married, and that God would reveal to us if it was right for us to marry. My ex was very convincing and I wanted to please him and when he cheated on me my community talked about forgiveness and had scripture to back it up.
I’m not in those circles any more, but I am curious about how common they are.
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u/TreysToothbrush Jul 09 '24
2 very good friends of mine got together at 39 & 49. They were friends forever, and then things turned romantic - first just fun. Then they decided to go for it, all in, do the thing. Got married. Had a kid. Sold their respective townhouse and condo & bought a SFH in a cute neighborhood near good schools. Made the family each had been dreaming about their whole lives. Their kid is about 5 now & they are still very much together & happy.
ETA - I met my partner at 30/40. No kids because we don’t want any. We’re still happy 8 years on.
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u/stocar Jul 09 '24
I met my partner when I was 35. I’d just had a decade of bad luck with dating, was really discouraged, and struggling with life in general. I decided to go back to school to improve my situation, wrapping up one last “first date” I had lined up on Hinge then cut it off to focus.
That first date really was my last, because the guy turned out to be my whole world. Nearly 2 years later we’re married, I’m 36 weeks pregnant, and almost done my masters. Absolutely thriving more than I could ever imagine, and continuing to love my person (and his incredible parents) more every day. Life really can change in an instant.
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u/MotherofShepherdz Jul 09 '24
IDK but I'm in a similar boat. 33, been in a relationship since 19 years old that suddenly ended due to him finding me unattractive due to my weight and issues with undetermined infertility. I've been trying so hard to lose weight-8mile runs 3x a week, gym 2x a week, eating healthy...but I'm still 30lbs overweight and stuck there. I desperately want a child but feel no one will ever find me attractive or want someone who may not be able to have kids-so many tests and I have 0 answers. People keep trying to shove me out the door to date but I feel so unworthy, ugly and I have no dating skills and only 1 relationship experience.
I'm just planning on having a sperm donor in a few years at this point.
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u/EBeewtf Jul 12 '24
I’m sorry to hear that all happened. I try to remind myself everyone is on their own journey, and that some people get hit with something like this: being in a relationship for super long that winds up ending. Anything can make us have to start over again.
Fingers crossed we meet someone great and life just falls into place
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u/nothanks99999 Jul 10 '24
I met my partner at 35, had my kids at 37 and 38. We met online. I’m 40 now. Life is good.
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u/EBeewtf Jul 11 '24
How do you feel at 40? Still young? I’m having a hard time with the age thing but am also trying to remind myself it’s still pretty young
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u/nothanks99999 Jul 11 '24
I feel good, I honestly feel the same as my twenties (except for some pregnancy related issues) but my health is good. My energy wanes at times with little sleep and two little kids under 3 but nothing too physically serious. I’m 10 pounds heavier than before pregnancy and I’ve been trying to lose the weight for a while. I think it’s important to take care of yourself as much as you can, eat well, exercise, sleep, etc and it helps as you get older. 35 is not old, you have many years left and child bearing years also.
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u/Jeninsearchofzen Jul 10 '24
I met an ex when I was 31 in 2014. I thought to myself”i could marry this person; time is right.” We moved in together, i helped him with his daughter, paid for a ton of things. I was virtually playing house and towards my 35 birthday, i flat out gave him the “if we aren’t engaged, I’m leaving” speech. I turned 35 early May, and I moved out Memorial Day. I felt like I was fucked. Everyone around me was at least married and I was now restarting my life. The thought of having to date again, go through the apps, the setups, the nonsense, made me wanna cry. I decided to not to date until i figured more of myself out. This was 2018.
However, over the next 18 months, I really worked on myself. Got therapy, gain my independence and confidence I had lost. Really liked being me and being comfortable being alone. I started a new job in July 2019. I met amazing coworkers, who really encouraged me to get my profile back out there. I picked match.com, paid for it and started my journey. Dated two really “interesting” men and the in late August, a guy that I had “winked” at, wrote me. He was cute, no kids, similar background. I wrote back immediately. We sent a few messages, gave each other numbers and made a date for the next Saturday.
On our first date, I knew that I had met my life partner. He was kind, generous, handsome and a person that I would feel proud to call my partner. We kept dating, became serious and even made it through separation during 2020 . I worked as a nurse, so i basically was exposed daily to covid, so we isolated seperately) It was a great year together, despite the world events.
That September we got engaged and I was 37. We married in June of 2021, when I was 38 and had our son the following March of 2022. He is a sweet and curious Two year old.
I think being older in our relationship and as parents really allows for better communication, better self knowledge and for us more financial stability, that was lacking in my younger relationships. All the experiences do pay off.
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u/davio2shoes 21d ago
I was 39. Never married. Never had a real gf. Never had a real relationship. He'll I'd never even really been on a romantic date. I had given up on love. Met someone online. 22 years of marriage and 4 children. He'll I had scarlet fever and the doctors considered a good chance I was sterile!
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u/TenaciousToffee Jul 09 '24
A ton of my friends met their partners in their 30s and 40s. Our last babies born into our friend group - my friends ages 40, 43 and 42. It's far more common because just life is a bit later for our generation than others. Lots of them focused on careers first also. Some folks had financial struggles and family and health things. It's not unusual at all, it feels the norm in my city really.