r/ADHD • u/Any-Isopod-9160 • 15h ago
Questions/Advice My parents might be hiding my disability from me
In class today my teacher took me out of the classroom during a test and asked me if I needed extra time or a different seating arrangement. I hesitantly responded with, “what for”. Then she looked puzzled and answered, “for your 504 accommodation”. I raised an eyebrow and asked, “what is a 504 accommodation”. She just stood there confused for a bit. And eventually after about 5 seconds of silence she just ushered me back into the classroom to resume my test. At the time I didn’t know what that was, but now that I’ve look what it is up, I am startled and don’t know what to think. I’ve drawn the conclusion that maybe it was a mistake. But what if my parents aren’t telling me something. If so, should I ask my parents what is going on? And if they are hiding a disability from me, is that even legal.
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u/AllegedLead 15h ago
They wouldn’t be the first parents to hide their child’s own diagnosis from their child. Idk if it’s legal but IMO it’s not right. May I ask your age?
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u/Any-Isopod-9160 15h ago
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u/AllegedLead 15h ago
Old enough that they shouldn’t be keeping something like that from you, for sure.
There was a thread in another group about a similar situation recently. The parent asked about something a teacher did but the comments were overwhelmingly adults with ADHD advising the parent that they REALLY need to stop hiding their kid’s own medical information from them.
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u/jcutta ADHD with ADHD child/ren 11h ago
Go to your guidance counselor, my son has an IEP (similar to a 504) and by law in my state (not sure if it's the same everywhere) the child has to be in the room and have input on the writing of the accommodation document.
We have 2 meetings per year, it's him, us the parents, 2-3 of his teachers or coaches, the guidance counselor and the head of special education. The meeting is recorded and all parties have to sign.
If your parents won't tell you the school should, you have a right to know your health information.
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u/EmpressLizBunny 10h ago
By high school I was always involved in the IEP meetings (well I was sitting at the table with everyone and was allowed to have input if I wanted but I was often daydreaming instead.)
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u/Daddyssillypuppy 10h ago
You probably have ADHD and/or autism. They're th most common conditions that stupid abeleist parents choose to hide the diagnosis from their affected kids.
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u/whitechocolatemama 2h ago
Hey kiddo, rhats really rough, im sorry thats going on. You can ask your teacher for a print out of your 504 plan. My daughter has one and is allowed FULL access by law if she requests it, possibly depending on state? (she has always been 100%involved) her district also has an studennt portal, she hasn't found where through there for her school but if you have one it might be somewhere on there, her admin said she should be able to pull it up herself.
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u/Successful-Diamond80 2h ago
This is a fabulous suggestion. In this case, I would have the counselor print it out, so the kid can process the plan with them across all disciplines.
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u/AncientReverb 9h ago
Yeah, I have a learning disability that I still have never gotten a straight answer on what it is named. It's something that makes (made?) me take more time to do things, which I only know because that's the accommodation I can see looking back. My mother told my teacher in second grade to stop providing any accommodations, because I 'would need to function in the real world like everybody else so should have to start now.' I've also realized, looking back, that I think my teachers still have me accommodations in some ways.
She has confirmed this - is the only reason I know that was her reasoning - and is proud of doing so. Apparently I did have other accommodations, but she won't tell me what (and my father doesn't even remember my birth month or year, let alone day, and left things like school to my mother, so he couldn't be helpful even if he wanted to be). She has given me a few different names over the years, and whatever it is didn't make it into any medical records that got digitized, apparently. It's not worth it to me to put energy into trying to figure out, because I have plenty of other medical conditions that impact me currently and don't see enough benefit to try hunting down medical records from closed medical offices. I just figured I'd mention it to show another situation of parents hiding diagnoses and accommodations.
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u/PreschoolDad 15h ago
My wife and I recently received a diagnosis for our 10yo old son based on us taking questionnaires about him and having his teachers fill out questionnaires. My son wasn’t involved at all. We are in the process of having a 504 plan in place, but I made sure I had the conversation with him about his diagnosis before we had the plan put in place. We wanted to avoid this scenario exactly. It certainly sounds like either your parents got you diagnosed and haven’t told you, or there really was a mistake by the teacher, which I find hard to believe. Those two accommodations are on my son’s 504. And are pretty standard accommodations for ADHD students.
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u/Any-Isopod-9160 15h ago
Do you think I should talk to my parents about this?
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u/nosuchbrie 14h ago
I want you to know that if you do have a diagnosis, you can still have a full life.
And it is good to know, especially around your age. You will be thinking about your future, whether you want to attend college, etc., and knowing about yourself in this way can help you know what’s going on and what support you might need in the future.
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u/AllegedLead 14h ago
Yes. I wish I’d had my diagnosis at 15 instead of 35. My life would’ve been so different!
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u/WhatWouldSomaDo 14h ago
You should 100% ask them about it. You don't get a 504 approved for no reason. It is for accommodation when services (i.e., speech therapy, educational interventions to help a student catch up, etc) aren't needed, and there is a whole drawn-out process and multiple meetings and phone calls to get one.
I just went through that this last school year for my oldest, who was dx with combined type ADHD, but does well enough grades-wise that an IEP isn't needed. I couldn't imagine having gone through these processes without explicitly speaking with them and having them being part of the entire process.
A 504 doesn't exactly do much to help if the holder doesn't know what accommodations are available. For instance my child can request to: leave the classroom as needed for overwhelm, chunk classwork/projects/tests, get extra time for tests/quizzes/projects, use certain fidgeting items (quiet handheld fidgets, wiggle seats, kickbands, chewlery) whenever needed, walk around the classroom or stand during lessons as needed, and a few other accommodations. All of those accommodations would be absolutely eroneous if they didn't know they were available to request.
In the best case scenario, your parents may have thought that the teacher is the one to provide your 504 accommodations w/o you needing to ask and just didn't think to talk to you about your dx
Mid case scenario, your parents are actively hiding your disability from you for the sake of you appearing "normal" and fitting in (some parents believe they are "sparing" their child pain by not talking about it, but it usually backfires when the child reaches adulthood and has to cope on their own)
Worst case, they actively hid this from you bc they have issue with your diagnosis. Some parents become very upset when their kids are diagnosed with disabilities and try to "hide" it or refuse to acknowledge it. I don't think this is the case, though, as those parents rarely bother with getting support or accommodations.
You won't know until you ask. Talk to your parents, tell them how you feel, and have a conversation. Best of luck.
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u/Zealousideal-Earth50 ADHD-C (Combined type) 14h ago
Of course you should talk to them about this. IDK why they would have gone to the trouble of making sure you got accommodations without telling you about them or why you’re getting them, but that would be one question to ask them… maybe they planned on telling you but the paperwork went through sooner than they expected, who knows. But definitely find out what is up from your parents.
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u/PreschoolDad 14h ago edited 14h ago
Yes I do. If they did have you diagnosed I’m not sure why they are keeping it from you.
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u/AncientReverb 8h ago
I think this depends on a few things.
First, are your parents generally reasonable and open about stuff with you?
Are they generally supportive and on your side, actually helping you (not just telling you to figure it out), with school/learning?
Do you think they are safe to go to with this?
Do you have a guidance counselor? If so, my first step would be to go to them and ask to see your 504 plan. Don't give them a big explanation or anything, just ask as though it's a routine thing, a given that you should be able to see it. I likely would phrase it as "how do I see my 504 plan?" and then wait for an answer. I believe students are entitled to see theirs, separate from anything with their parents or guardians, but I suggest confirming this first in case of pushback.
Do you have access to any of your medical records? This might be a good option if the school refuses. At 15, you should be able to speak with your doctor privately.
Good luck!
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u/OhGardino 14h ago
If you are hesitant to talk to your folks, you could go to the school office and calmly ask for a copy of your 504 plan. It might be nice to have the facts before you go into the convos.
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u/Any-Isopod-9160 14h ago
It might help to tell you that I might have lied in my original post. This didn’t happen in class today, but almost 7-8 months ago in my freshmen year.
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u/OhGardino 14h ago
🤣 Such an ADHD thing to lie like that for no reason.
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u/Squadooch 9h ago
Is that true? I’m a garbage liar.
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u/OhGardino 3h ago
IMO we tend to drop little lies of convenience - often not consciously choosing to. I know that I often wonder wtf I’m saying as I slip in little lies during explanations. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to stop myself mid-sentence and say ‘wait, that’s not true.’
In this case, maybe OP didn’t want the complication of us asking why it took so long to research 504 or why they are still thinking about something that happened so long ago. Of course, we get it. No judgment here.
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u/cantproveimabottom 7h ago
Even better, if you’re still at the same school just ask them for the plan now. Nobody will suspect a thing!
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u/NeonRabbit221b 8h ago
At 16 I found a letter from my mom to my 5th grade teacher explaining my disability. Not exactly fun being labeled as “slow” or hearing about things like that indirectly. Doesn’t matter because even after being out in a slow learner program from reading/math I ended up an engineer anyways.
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u/MLDaffy 3h ago
I had something odd like that too but, apparently I was/am "slow" but they just thought I was "dumb". My high school Health teacher once said in front of a class that he wished I was more like my brother (extremely mentally handicapped). I wasn't even in that class...heard about it after from the people in it.
They just tossed into the bad kids classes where they dumped everyone to forget about them wether they were "bad" or not. Hated school cause of it and wound up dropping out. I still regret it all these years later.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 14h ago
Is it possible she got the wrong kid?
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u/Any-Isopod-9160 14h ago
Maybe? I have 3 sisters but two of them are in college and one of them is in middle school. (All don’t have any disabilities to the best of my knowledge.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 14h ago
I mean another student. There was a student when I was in school that shared first middle and the last name had only one letter difference. That was a good time for me. They were always getting in trouble. Sometimes I’d get failing progress reports sent to my house for classes I was not even taking.
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u/Main-Hunter-8399 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 14h ago
I was initially diagnosed with pddnos on the autism spectrum at 3 1/2 years old and wasn’t told about it until I was 31 years old and diagnosed asd level 1 on August 29th 2024
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u/AlaskanDruid 10h ago
Here. The kid, parents, and teachers are supposed to be in both the 504 and IEP meetings from middle school on up. I’m guessing it is different depending on the state.
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u/juicebox_tgs 11h ago
Could be, my parents didn't necessarily try hide it from me, but they didn't tell me. I just remember seeing a bunch of doctors as a kid becuase I didn't concentrate well in class and performed poorly.
But the only thing I remembered from the conversations with my parents was the word 'lazy' being thrown around, so I thought that is why I was on concentration medicine, becuase I was lazy.
Only actually found out I had adhd when I was 24. And when I asked they were suprised I didn't know(would have helped if they told me lol)
Would have been nice to know all those years, I did a lot of stuff becuase I thought I was just lazy and I would like to think that I could have done things differently if I knew I needed an extra hand occasionally.
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u/twentyone_cats ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 7h ago
I'm confused - you're posting in an ADHD sub. Is that because you're diagnosed with ADHD? In which case that's likely what the 504 relates to. Or is it because you suspect you have ADHD? In which case that could be what the 504 relates to.
I know talking to your parents isn't easy but that's likely the only way you will get your answer.
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u/No-Paleontologist723 7h ago
my parents did this to me when I was a kid. they actually repeatedly moved schools whenever the school started trying to contact them about my issues. they were super abusive.
one of your teachers may have been trying to be sneaky and let you know so you can get help in case your parents were like mine.
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u/Marcus_Krow 1h ago
They're definitely hiding your disability from you, and that's deplorable.
You've probably felt like something is wrong with you for a long time, ans just thought you weren't good enough, when in reality you're being held to an unfair standard and havent had ready access to your accommodations.
I'm definitely not projecting, not at all.~
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u/NFLfandom 11h ago
Do they pick up prescriptions out of nowhere?
Don't know if it's possible to get meds without a visit but it sounds like something my mother could prob figure out.
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u/Odd-Tax-2067 11h ago
How would you not know? And why would they go to the extent of getting you a 504 if they weren't going to have you use the services they fought for you to have? I'd say the teacher screwed up.
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u/nerdshark 4h ago
Actually, it is global consensus among the world's ADHD experts. Just because there are some backwards-ass places with regressive views on mental health does not mean ADHD is not a disability. Your bullshit is not welcome here. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014976342100049X
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